I need to know that I accomplished something because a lot of my to-dos as a stay at home mom are...I don't want to say not important (because they are very important, as are the "home" to-dos of any parent), but not appreciated might be a better description. This year is going to be rougher than most (at least the first 6 months).
And I am scared, anxious, terrified, worried, stressed, etc.
Not a good way to start the new year, but I am getting ahead of myself a bit here.
Let me start at the beginning. Last year, Levi got some great news from work...a new position. He has the same title, but it is a move up in the company. I am so proud of him. It would mean moving. As much as I hate the stress of moving...we wanted to move soon anyway. The school my oldest will be moving into soon is not that great and we are outgrowing our "starter house". The company would most likely be helping us move. We knew there would be a bit of a trial period, but figured that would give us a few months to get the house ready to sell.
Let me clarify that this move is not extremely stressful...it would only move us 45 minutes away from where we are now. And then Levi would still have a 45 minute commute to work (actually shorter than his commute now), but going the opposite direction as traffic. I live in a very large city or a very large group of cities. One of those places where you change cities several times when you drive across the area, but there is no "country" in between.
We received news right before Christmas that put me in this anxious state. A dear friend suggested that I shelf it until after the busy, crazy time that is Christmas with three kids. So I did, but now it is time to take it off of the shelf and I have a pit in my stomach about it.
The trial period for this new position is going to be SIX MONTHS! Now, I know that some of you will say that it will go by fast, it isn't so long, it will be okay, at least you have a job. I intelligently know all of these things...I do. But I am afraid that all of this work that we have done, all these changes I have been trying to make, that all the positive things will be lost. I am afraid that we will go back to our poor habits. And I am feeling a bit like hiding in a corner...
I'm getting ahead of myself again. I know you are thinking...Bea, what are you so scared about?
Levi will have to commute...for six months. It takes an hour and a half to get where he is going without traffic. But for half of his drive, he will be in traffic...we are guesstimating that his commute will be around two hours. His hours (he is salaried) will be longer for a while because he will be starting something new. He is going to try to leave very early so that he can leave work earlier, but I know that what will happen, at least at first, is that he will have to work longer until he is used to the new project. Levi is very good at what he does...hence the move up.
What does this mean for me and the kids? We are on our own for a little while. He will be gone when they wake up and might have 30 minutes with them in the evening. He probably won't be home for dinner, extra curricular activities (both boys have two activities each), and he does not like traffic. Who does really? He may not be in a great mood after spending two hours in the car....I may not be in the best mood after spending the entire day on my own. Are you seeing the disaster coming? Cause I am.
We are talking about it...we are attempting to make plans...which is a marked improvement over past behavior where we would ignore the problem and then resent each other and well, you know the rest. I am pretty sure we aren't the only ones that have lived this cycle at some point in their marriage. Here is my fear...
Remember this? You can read about it here.
And don't forget this:
I can feel myself preparing the mortar.
Which I am very afraid is going to lead me to take these back:
How is he going to keep these pants if my steamroller and brick walls show up? How am I going to support my husband and be a good wife when I am so scared? I should be happy for him and cheering him on and instead I feel like hiding under a rock. I am supposed to be letting my light shine. How am I going to be a great mother if I am stressed out? How are the kids going to do with so little time with their father?
How am I going to survive the witching hour ALONE? Parents...you know what I mean...those hours between 5-7 or if you work...the hours from when you get home until you get dinner on the table. Keep in mind...I don't ask for help very well. I should...I am always offering help to my friends.
Asking for help makes me feel weak...but I am very much afraid that I will have to get over that. I am Supermom after all...Supermoms don't need help....go ahead, laugh, I am being facetious.
We also have to prep the house for sale and have quite a few projects. Spring is a busy time for our children's activities. ETC. ETC.
I could add to this...but I think you get the point and I can feel myself getting whiny. I should be thinking of all the positive things in my life and keep the positive train trucking along. Any suggestions to power my train would be greatly appreciated.
You are going to get through this for many, many reasons. Sure your fears are very valid, but the fact that you have them lets me know that you are facing what you anticipate as obstacles head on, not burying them.
ReplyDeleteAs for the witching hour? When Barney worked long hours and the boys were little, after dinner, every night we had a dance party. I am not kidding...The Wiggles here we go. Mommy singing, boys dancing, laughing...dishes can wait- it rejuvenated me, and tired them out! You'd be surprised how Levi's attitude will change walking into a happy house, even if it is a bit messy. Jot down little things that happened during the day- so you remember them for him at night. Let him be part of the kids days that way :) It sounds silly but the more we don't talk about the mundane, the more we don't talk.
As for the rest. We're all here for you. If you need adult talk you know where you can find me! ( I didn't say mature adult talk *wink*). You can't fail, because we won't let you. That doesn't mean you won't stumble but we'll be here to help you up.
Much Love
Willie
Thanks Willie...the dance party sounds like a great idea and we just got Zumba...that is fun. And probably a much better alternative to drinking:) This is definitely the part of the day that will be the hardest. I am usually ready for a break about this time.
DeleteThanks for the support...I find myself very near tears today and I think I am just feeling the stress of finally facing it. It will not be fun, but I hope it brings us to an awesome place.
Love,
Bea
The first thing you need to do is rewire your thinking; instead of preparing for disaster you need to look at it from a different perspective, instead of disaster perhaps think oppportunity, or adventure...no that's a bit over the top. Maybe success, achievement, accomplishment. This is a time to shine. Yes you will all be tired, yes there will be stress, but if you keep your eyes on that light, the one that's at the end of the tunnel, the small dot that will get bigger with each day letting you know that you are getting closer. It is amazing how much strength we find we have in the midst that we didn't even realize. It is times like what you have ahead for the next six months that pulls families together making the bond tighter and the love bigger.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you are talking it out and that you notice this as improvement is proof that you are already way ahead. You will no doubt look back on the months and think pfft, what was I so worried about. (hope this pep talk helps you a little) ((((hugs))))
Thank you Jacquie! I need all the peppiness I can get. I know logically that I should be thrilled and excited, but am having a little trouble getting there...it will help when we have a plan, I am sure. I do hope that it brings us together...that will depend a lot on whether we go back to old habits...hopefully the planning will help with that.
DeleteThanks!
Bea
I'm not where you are now - but I remember pretty well. It's a wonderful time of life, but it sure has it's stresses. I have a couple of little suggestions. I'm sure you know his taste in books/stories - go to the library and pick him up some books on CD. Music on a car ride is great, but my Nick love to have these books for his long commute. Anyway he'll know you're thinking of him.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sure you know communication is the key to this life style (I don't always practice what I preach here, but it's still true). Time for long daily talks will be short for a while, but quick text or short emails can work. Nothing can bring a smile to my face quicker than Nick texting "Are you behaving yourself?" It takes him seconds, but makes my day. Let Levi know that something like this would really help you - sure he's going to get tied up some days and forget, but if he could do it most days, it would be a good way for short DD messages to get through. Just a thought.
Hugs,
PK
Thanks so much PK! I know this stuff comes with the season that I am in, and I know I shouldn't wish this time away because some day I will miss it...but sometimes I wish it was some day:)
DeleteThe book idea is great!! He likes to listen to talk radio but I think that sometimes it puts him in a bad mood...depending on what is going on in the country.
We are at the infant stage of good communication so I guess my big worry is that we fall back into old patterns as we often do under stress. We don't practice DD (I guess I could say that I am going for the dynamic without the discipline...DWD:)), but I think the texting during the day would be an awesome idea...I will share it with him. He has a hard time with that during the day as he is very focused at work.
Thanks for the ideas!
Bea
Okay - so you already know that this will be a challenge. Ask for Levi's help in planning strategies that will help both of you survive. Accept now that it won't be perfect and be careful to pick your battles and be prepared to let some things slide. When things get rough try to count blessings - this is really challenging but helps me find perspective when the world feels like it is crashing down around me.
ReplyDeleteAnd I do have so many blessings! Change and things out of my control are very stressful for me. I did suggest to Levi that we get a yard guy during this time (he usually takes care of the yard), so that he wouldn't have to spend the weekend doing that...I am hoping we can come up with other things that will help. Letting things slide is hard for me too...only cause I get that Mommy guilt..you know? I will try:) Thanks for the ideas!
DeleteBea
This will be a short, trying time in your life that hopefully works out. The stress from selling a house and not having him there is going to be hard, but in the grand scheme of things (assuming all goes as planned) 6 months is a drop in the bucket.
ReplyDeleteNow here's some advice for Levi, as one who has commuted countless hours - do something productive with your drive time. I'm not sure your library situation, but ours has many audio books. I've listened to the entire Harry Potter series (read by the same man - awesome), other books on tape (recommend Peace Like a River and the Art of Racing in the Rain for your man), and even language CDs. How cool would it be if he came back after 6 months of commuting being able to speak another language, or having improved himself by listening to 50 different books on tape? Take the positive out of the situation if you can.
Thank you so much for the awesome idea! He often listens to talk radio, but I think sometimes that puts him in a worse mood depending on the topic. I will give him these recommendations and check out the library!
DeleteI keep telling myself that 6 months is nothing and that it will go by quickly, but I am nervous about the stress getting to us and slipping back into poor habits...I just hope that I can be the supportive, cheerleading wife that Levi needs for this even while enduring my own stresses.
Thanks for the support!
Bea
Oh Bea, I know it's scary. Brice started working out of town Monday through Thursday, sometimes Friday. It is hard, but take one day at a time and 6 months will fly by. I definitely have the bewitching hours 5-7, I laughed out loud when you said that, because the way I make it though is with 'Mommys sippy cup' of RED WINE. ;) I'm not recommending it, but you know they say it's good for your heart....and not having it from 5-7 would be really bad for my heart. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou really have much better advice above. ;)
Hittin' the sippy:) Thanks Betsy for your words of encouragement...I know that some days that might be what gets me through. Good luck getting through this time. Is it a permanent situation?
DeleteBea
Yes it may be, at least another year or two. I do have the problem others talk about, when he returns on Thursday he starts with 20 questions and......why did you do this that or the other?.....or not do that? I resent it, so we have issues. You could say we are a work in progress.
DeleteSorry....your blog;)
You are so funny...I asked you:) I don't mind at all! I hope that you are able to figure out a way to tell him that so that you can start your weekend together on a good note.
DeleteBea
Bea dear, you have started on the journey to working through the issues by admitting your fears. You have received a lot of good advice above. My only suggestion would be that after Levi comes home and visits with the children, give him some 'unwind' time. Also, remember if he comes home in a bad mood, it is due to the traffice and/or job so please try not to take it personally if he snaps at you. We are all here if you need to vent your frustrations.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings,
Cat
Thanks Cat! Unwind time is a good idea for both of us...I may have to take mine during nap time before the older two get home with homework, etc. It is really hard to keep Ms. Defensive in check, but I will try:)
DeleteHugs,
Bea
Oh my gosh Bea!
ReplyDeleteI feel anxious reading this!
I know exactly what you mean about the witching hour! The boys have several of those, plus we have after school junk 3 nights a week.
I'd be a mess without "H" helping here and there - it's very stressful when he works late, or travels.
I always get into that supermom mode when "H" is gone (ok some other times too). When he travels a bit and it's hard to give those pants back on the weekends, or when he gets back.
Looks like everyone else had great advices -I'm just here offering moral support as in - I know how you feel! Hang in there! Listen to the blog buddies who have offered up great advice!
Thanks Emi...I am overwhelmed by the love and support...I think that is what I am worried about most (handing back the pants) and being short, defensive, and difficult towards him because of the stress.
DeleteThank you for the moral support:)
Bea
You already have some great advice and suggestions. I know it seems overwhelming at first but in six months when you look back you will wonder where the time went. Levi needs your support - a two hour commute is no easy task. I used to commute between LA and Orange County years ago and that one hour and some sometimes made me crazy
ReplyDeleteYou can do it, you are already facing the problem which is always a step in the right direction.
I think driving in California might make anyone crazy:) He hates to be in the car...I am hoping that the books on CD etc. help because when he is in a mood, I have a hard time not taking it personally.
DeleteThanks for the support Sunnygirl!
Bea
Sometimes the First Officer gets shouldered with more responsibility because the Captain has to go on an away mission. Just consider it one of those times and bear the burden faithfully and cheerfully. :)
ReplyDelete(Easier said than done, right? Just keep repeating it to yourself, and it'll be over before you know it)
Thanks RPW! I just hope I don't forget that I am the First Officer and not try to put the Captain pants back on:) First Officer reporting for duty...we will have to see about cheerfully:)
DeleteBea
I agree with all the comments and suggestions above, and I want to do a "what she said" ditto to Sunny's comment that you are facing what you see as a problem coming at you with your eyes open. I loved the practical suggestions and just want to add for Levi's sake - audible.com and an iPod. It is easier than CDs and less expensive and bulky.
ReplyDeleteI spent a lot of time alone with my own older children, as Ian would be up and gone before they got up and often they would be long in bed when he got home from work. I talked about their Dad to them all the time, when we would be doing things I would include in him in the conversation in lots of different ways....it made it feel like he was there with us more....I know that seems kind of a silly little thing, but it seemed to help both the kids and me.
Don't forget to lean on us here in blogland for emotional support, or just someone to unload to - most of us have been or are there ....
Good luck, Sweetie,
hugs
lillie
Thanks Lillie...he does have an Iphone so I will suggest that to him. I will keep mentioning him in mind. The three of them are used to having him around and taking them to certain activities...I am sure it will be quite an adjustment for all of us. They have a hard time when they don't get that Daddy attention...especially my boys.
DeleteI am overwhelmed and overjoyed by the outpouring of support.
Love,
Bea
At least the toddler is potty trained finally. That will help:)
DeleteHi Bea....
ReplyDeleteI think I am late to the party...as usual....but I wanted to offer my support. I can so relate to what you are saying. Ryan has been known to work some pretty ugly hours....and it is so hard to be at home with the little ones all of those hours. On the one hand, you feel guilty for thinking that...but man it is so mentally tough some days to get through it. Let things go...that can be let go. No one is going to die if the laundry gets backed up or there are a few dust bunnies under the bed ;) I promise :) Ask for help from family and friends if you can. Try to remember that you still need time for you to get away if you can. Just one day a week for a few hours will do so much to help your sanity. And, I still swear by my schedule for the week. It breaks things down that NEED to get done into do-able chunks.
I am here if you need to vent....I have been there...heck I still am! This mommy stuff is not for wimps! You CAN do this :D
Lots of hugs....
Lucy
Thank you Lucy! I may need you to email this schedule to me:) I am willing to try anything. I am feeling so blessed to have all of y'alls support and ideas! It is so hard to let things go sometimes cause then I feel like I am doing a bad job. I will work on that:) I will reread this often to help me cope.
DeleteThanks sweetie!
Bea
Aah Bea, I quickly scanned the responses (very quickly) so I hope I'm not repeating what every else has said.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I totally see why you would be thinking disaster. It is true that you can do anything for six months and also true that it will be hard but you guys will get through this okay.
My MM drives 2 hours each way to work and home and has been at it for 2 years. It's not an option for us to move closer so he has had to come up with some coping mechanisms. He has a routine for the way there in what he listens to and a routine for the way home, most of which happens in quiet so that he can decompress. Levi will come up with ways to cope that will help him, especially with the traffic part. MM gets home late and sometimes he is cranky. Sometimes I am too and we have to recognize that and hug but give each other some space. You have to add kids who are going to crave quick attention from Dad. Here's the thing though--you two are already talking about this and figuring out how to make it work and that is so huge.
As for steamroller Bea--it is going to be tough, but try to picture yourself as a tiny, little steamroller. If this is the right job for Levi, even in his tiredness, he will have a new confidence and excitement that will encourage both of you. It'll build him up and you can use that to continue building your relationship. As he becomes a better leader at work, he'll be encouraged to keep those pants on at home. No kidding, that's the way it worked here with MM's new job 2 years ago.
Gosh...this is turning into a novel Bea...sorry. Last note, promise. Because of our very short evenings (and yours will be even shorter b/c of the kids) we have had to learn how to communicate daily and to not wait for the weekends so that they can be saved for fun stuff. As hopeless as I am in the mornings, even 15 minutes together before he leaves help to center me. Pack him a lunch or make his travel coffee or whatever...just be there together no matter what time it is. A few gentle words and touches before you separate make really make a difference for us here.
Sneaking away now before I erase the multitude of words in this comment...
Susie,
DeleteThank you so much for your ideas and thoughts. Don't ever worry about writing too much. I need all the help I can get. I hope you are right about Levi coping. He really hates traffic. I'm so sorry that MM has such a long commute.
He is very much the alpha male at work. You can see the respect he has earned from those above him and those under him. He even has a different voice he uses for work. Neither of us copes with stress very well. I hope we can learn to.
I am not a morning person either, but I hope to be able to help him out the door. That is a good idea. We are so horrible at communicating but we both recognize it now. So hopefully we will keep trying even under pressure.
Hugs,
Bea
I think that when we are facing such a tremendous change we forget how adaptable we humans are. You and Levi will adapt to the new schedule and the changes in your life and while it might not happen right away, I am sure it will happen. We humans are built for changes and we adjust. Together you'll figure out what you both need to make it work for the next six months and since you are both already thinking about it, I suspect you'll figure out good ways to stay connected.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why you have the cactus at the top of your blog, but I think it is especially appropriate in this circumstance. You have to reach past the thorns to get at the sweet fruit. Right now, your eyes are focused on the thorns, as they should be, but once you adjust, your eyes will shift to the fruit and it will be really worth it. Sometimes I think the fruit of life is more precious and special because of the thorns, sometimes if things come too easily I can forget their value, the thorns remind me.
Thank you cynet...I know these things in my head...but sometimes it is difficult to explain it to your pounding heart and your flip flopping stomach:)
DeleteI am the cactus:) The flower is my heart...I am trying not to poke Levi with my spines anymore and show the world my heart. The picture reminds me of who I was and whom I am trying to be. You are so right about not forgetting what good things and fruit that will come out of this. Just remind me in a couple of weeks when I am whining:)
Bea