Blah: Summer Blues

When some of y'all stay inside:

When I stay inside:

I don't suffer from winter blues, but summer blues.  Round about the end of July or beginning of August when the children are driving me absolutely insane (I'm bored! Stop touching me...mom, he's touching me! she won't play with me, he's not sharing etc.) and the summer heat (or giant mosquitos capable of flying off with small children or humidity that makes you feel like you just went swimming when all you did was step outside) forces us all to stay indoors.

The AC is currently running 24/7.  Ceiling fans are all going full blast...(you know those home improvement shows where they always take down the ceiling fan and put some decorative light up...yea, they don't live here)...ceiling fans are an absolute must have.  I now understand why people who settled my state were considered a stubborn and strong lot...they would have had to have been in order to live here without air conditioning.  

So, I lay around blah and moody because it is so sweltering hot outside that I have to change my sweaty clothes after I go check the mail.  Is it time for school to start?  Is it time for fall yet?  I wish these dang cicadas would SHUT UP!! (and I usually find them to be soothing and nostalgic)  

Did you know that eyelids sweat?  Well. They. Do.  Blah. 

Wish I looked like this when I sweat:

Ooooh...better yet...this (hey, a girl can dream can't she):

Those women who run around saying "I don't sweat, I glisten"...you DO NOT live where I do then!  Let me go stick my head in the freezer so I can quit my whining.   I hate moods like this...it's probably just PMS...I'll feel better next week.  Anybody have some chocolate?...yep, definitely PMS.

Facing 40

As I begin to plan Levi's 40th birthday and realize that mine is only a couple of years away, I am surprised that I am not upset, not worried, not freaked out.  In fact, other than a couple of little things I would rather not deal with like new wrinkles, slower metabolism, and those grays that I keep "blending" with highlights, I am actually happy about it.  (I know I have two years left, so ask me in a couple of years if I am still happy about it.)

Happy about turning 40!  I know you all probably think that I need my head examined, but there are certain things in life that just get easier as you age.  Losing weight not being one of them...gravity kinda sucks too.  I think as I get older I get more and more comfortable with who I am and don't worry so much about what other people think.  I wish that I could have learned the lessons that I learned in my 30s in my 20s, but I suppose that growth is meant to happen slowly and after much life experience.

There are things I wish I could tell my 20 year old self:

Stuff does not make you happy and in fact this stuff and clutter can stress you out.  Experiences are what you will remember.

You cannot make everyone happy.  It is not your job and will only be disappointing when you try.  You can be there for them, but you can't make their decisions for them...they will learn their own lessons.

Constant criticism of your husband's choices is not "helping".  For someone who is quite intelligent and boasts common sense...you have not thought this one through and if you aren't careful your marriage could fall apart.

You are a good mom, but you will make mistakes.  Give yourself a break.  I don't know if you are going to screw up your kids or not, but you are doing the best you can and they know you love them.

Be happy with what you have.  Envy does not become you and eats away at your joy.

Your true friends love you for who you are and not what you can do for them.  Choose carefully and stay true to yourself.  Trust your instincts...they are fairly accurate.

Your husband is a strong, smart, loving man...I know you wonder sometimes if you made the right decision...you did.

Trust God and stop fighting it...he knows what he is doing.

Do what you love.  Don't forget that you aren't "just a mom", you are also a wife and a woman with interests and needs.

Be happier in your skin...sure it isn't perfect, but if you are whining about it now, just wait until three kids, two c-sections, and 18 years later...and sweetheart, step away from the French bread and the chocolate...oh hell, who am I kidding...keep the chocolate!

Girlfriend...say the serenity prayer about a billion times more because it doesn't matter how much you try...you cannot control everything.  Sometimes things are just not going to go your way and you know what?...it won't kill you.  Let go of your need to control everything...you will be happier.

Oh and although you may not believe it, there is more than one way to accomplish something...I know, I know...your way is the best way, but not the only way...so give others a chance...namely your husband.

Don't waste so much time trying to please people who don't appreciate you.  Don't waste so much time worrying about things you can't control.  Don't waste so much time stressing over stuff that hasn't happened yet.  Don't waste so much time!!  Time is precious.

Make family and friends more of a priority...you don't know when they will be gone.

If you are going to hear God speak to you, then you have to shut your mouth!

Trust your gut...it's been pretty smart.  If something is giving you the heebie jeebies then avoid it.  You don't owe anyone an explanation.

When I told Levi what my post was about he added: "Tell her to put her shoes away, they drive me crazy."  ~evil smirk...evil laugh~  ~the look~ Just kidding...okay, okay I will put them away...alright those too, and those, oops, how did those get there?!

Enjoy the things that come easy to you...not everything will...don't be afraid to work hard for those that don't.

Other people's choices hurt...sometimes so much that you don't know if you can take it.  You are stronger than you think you are.  They make their choices and you aren't responsible for them, but it doesn't mean you are perfect either, so don't forget to learn from your own mistakes.

If I could save my 20 year old self the pain of life experience, then I would...my heart goes out to her, but honestly, I wouldn't be the person I am today without it.  So what have you learned that you wish you could tell your younger self and would you if you could?

Men...Listen Up!!

I am directing this post to the men who may read my blog or for you ladies to show your husbands.  It's nagging and nosy and bossy, but I am taking one for the team here.  Your wife is tired of trying to tell you.

Please do two things for me:

Get a Physical once a year

and

Make a Will

If you don't want to do it for yourselves then at least do it for your wives!!  If you aren't married...do it for your mother!  Do it for your kids! Just do it for goodness sake.

I know, I know...you hate doctors right?  Well, we wives would like you to be around well into our old age.  We don't want to do all this work together and then have no one to share our dreams with.  A husband and father a couple of doors down from me wasn't feeling well and put off going to a doctor about it.  Unfortunately, he ended up in the hospital with a heart condition and passed away leaving a wife and two young boys...without a will.

So it may have just been his time...I get that.  His wife however was feeling guilty because she didn't make him go to the doctor...she was left wondering if she should have been a nag and made him go sooner.  I know this is part of her grieving process and I assured her that she did all she could, but gentleman, COME ON...we are not your mothers.  If you haven't been to a doctor in years...make a dang appointment. This includes dentists...many diseases start with poor dental hygiene, including heart disease.  Men...listen up...whining is not attractive...it's what kids do and I know you do not want to be treated like one.  Don't believe me? Go home and tell your spouse that you have made appointments for the two of you to get physicals and afterwards you will take her to lunch sans kids.  If, after she gets over her shock of course, she isn't excited...well, I would be shocked!

Now we come to the second part of my directive: make a will.  It is cheap. It is easy.  It is peace of mind and makes things easier on those you are leaving behind.  Even if you live in a community property state where everything is left to your spouse in the case of your death, when you neglect to leave a will...your spouse will still have to go through a pain in the rear legal process that takes forever.  For example, because my neighbor did not have a will, his wife could not sell his car until probate was complete and still had to make the payments.  If he had had a will, it would have gone much faster.

Levi and I have a very simple will.  It says that the spouse left behind will receive everything and if God forbid something happened to both of us then we have stated who would care for our children.  Do you really want the state to decide who will care for your children?!!  Do you want your remaining family fighting over them?  We didn't.  We also chose someone responsible to be our executor...someone we knew would work hard selling all our junk so our kids would be taken care of.  We added an addendum notarized and signed by Levi and I to list things we would like our children or other family members to have which is all that is required in our state.  If you are not done with your family, you can add under the names of your children a phrase that says "and any subsequent children from this union" or some such.  Every state is different and I am not a lawyer so you will have to check the laws in your state, but wills make everything easier and don't you want it to be easier on your spouse if he/she is grieving your loss!

So pull on your big boy pants and go to the doctor and then the lawyer's office.  You can even have a will made online!!  Ladies, for the very few of you who have not been to the doctor either...GO!  So many possibly dangerous things are found from simple check ups.

I will step down from my soap box now...thank you.

Hotel Sex

Sometimes you just have to get away.  For Mother's Day, Levi got an overnight stay and breakfast at a local fancy hotel...you know the kind that actually has turn down service with a chocolate on your pillow.  Sneaky man...this present was as much for him as for me.  ~smirk~  I let him get by with it though, because he knows that sometimes I just need to get away.  We don't get to do this often...like once a year without kids, but it makes a huge difference for me...and hotel sex is just fun.  We sent the kids off to their grandparents' this weekend and checked in.

Being a stay at home mom has certain challenges...the biggest one for me is always feeling like I am "at work".  I have tried certain things to help this...completing housework between 9-5, taking a lunch break where I would watch tv or read a book to escape for a little while, doing something fun for me at least once a week like meeting a friend for coffee...but lets be realistic, shall we...sometimes these things don't work when you have young kids.  As the kids have gotten older, it gets better.  I have even left my 11 year old in charge of the 8 year old to run to the store and such.  I can't quite leave him with the 4 year old yet, but we are working up to that.  I hope when that happens that maybe a walk around the block BY MYSELF will work wonders on a woman's mood.  It was much worse when the kids were little...sometimes I would feel like the walls were closing in.  I was active and found moms groups and such, but there was always work to be done and it was always the same work you did yesterday.

I am not saying I regret it by any means, nor am I arguing for or against working or staying home...I truly believe that is a choice that each family has to weigh and decide what is best for them.  But just like working moms have certain challenges like having to run errands during busy times instead of at 10 on a weekday with the blue hairs like I do, stay at home moms have them too.  Levi thankfully realizes that.  I am sure hotel sex is a big motivator of course.

Hotel sex rocks.  I think because I can truly relax and focus during sex.  I am not distracted by the cobweb in the corner...when did that get there? Didn't I dust corners last...crap, a month ago?  I am not concerned about the kids hearing me and can truly live in the moment.  I am not thinking about the things I didn't get done today and the things that I have to do tomorrow.  I am not thinking that that noise is the kids coming down the stairs or did I remember to put the wet clothes in the dryer?

Hotel sex rocks.  I am also not as concerned with the time.  I am not thinking that we have to hurry through this because we both have an early morning or crap, I am going to be tired tomorrow if I don't get to bed.  He could even wake me up at 3 am and I wouldn't get grumpy because I knew that I could sleep in and there wouldn't be any little people needing my attention at 6 am.

Hotel sex rocks.  Hotels are awesome because I don't have to clean them.  I don't have to cook.  I don't have to make the bed, wash the dishes, clean the windows, scrub the shower, sweep the dog hair.  I didn't even have to pull back my own sheets!  The room is already spotless.  The linens are crisp and clean and they always have a ton of fluffy pillows.  I love fluffy pillows.

Hotel sex rocks.  We got to spend the entire day and night focused on each other.  We swam together without little ones vying for our attention or having to take turns watching the youngest.  We could talk and laugh and just sit in calm SILENCE.  We swam, drank, ate, and even hiked as the hotel had a jogging path that was beautifully landscaped.  We slept in and had an amazing breakfast.  It was like a mini vacation and we were both a bit sad to see it end, but I am still seeing the effects of this little getaway.

Hotel sex rocks.  We were going to try out one of Levi's "spices" he wanted to try, but he ended up surprising me with something totally different.  And it was INCREDIBLE...WOW...BY ALL THAT IS HOLY.  Yes it was that good.  Several times that good.  Levi even mentioned another thing he would like to try!  I have apparently awakened a sex god.

Hotel sex rocks.  Levi enjoyed his time too.  He says he can tell that I am focused just on him and US and what we are currently doing.  He says I am not "mommy" even if just for a day, but am his "wife".  Obviously, I need to work on this at home...being able to turn everything else off and be present with him.  We even talked a little about making our bedroom a welcome, relaxing, sexy place to be.  That is for another post.

So if you haven't figured it out, I am encouraging you to have some hotel sex.  One of the best dates that Levi planned for us was a surprise hotel stay a couple of years ago.  He had taken care of everything (except remembering my medicine...fyi...in case you are planning this...bring your spouse's meds and a few toiletries) and it was a complete and total surprise.  He had checked in on his way home from work so we ate in the hotel restaurant and then he took my hand and led me to our room.  SHOCK AND AWE!

I still have that little secret smile whenever I think of our time this weekend...then the kids will ask...Mom, what are you smiling about...UM!  NOTHING!

Back to the real world...

Moderation

I grew up Presbyterian...we have kind of a joke amongst Presbyterians in regards to vices.  Everything in moderation.  Hey, I am not saying that it is right.  I live in the South so this is very different than our Baptist and Catholic friends.  Shoot, Baptists around here couldn't even dance until recently.  Levi grew up Catholic and was lost in the tradition of it all.  We seem to gravitate to bible churches now.  I am not religion bashing and I am not going to get into a moral argument...just explaining where I am coming from.

I had "the" confrontation last night (after a couple of glasses of wine...moderation, remember).  I needed to talk to Levi about something I knew he was doing, that he didn't know I knew he was doing.  It really wasn't about what he was doing...but how much he was doing it and how it was making me feel.

I hate confrontation!  I think you could gather that by my last post.  I took a few deep breaths and just blurted it out and then tried to be very quiet...and sip more wine.

Let me give you an example.  We can probably all agree that fast food is not good for you, but every once in a while it probably wouldn't kill you...maybe.  But let's say that we noticed that a loved one was enjoying fast food every day.  The cumulative unhealthiness of fast food every day for a few weeks could really do a number on you and affect those around you.  You would probably want to confront your loved one about the amount of fast food they are sneaking and begin to wonder about YOUR cooking.

Are they not happy with my cooking?  Does my food not look appetizing?  Am I not offering enough home cooked meals?  These fast food places pay big money for awesome advertising...those burgers look incredible and everyone looks so happy eating them...but that really isn't what you get when you go through the drive thru.  It is a dressed up burger...not real.  Instead, you get food that you can become addicted to quite easily and can detrimentally affect your health, your ability to get up the stairs, etc. You may become used to getting your food so fast that eating healthy isn't worth the trouble.   I am using this purely as an example by the way...in case you haven't figured that out.

He told me of course he is happy with my cooking.  I quietly asked if there was something that he wanted me to cook that I hadn't been and if that is why he was enjoying fast food so much.  He admitted that he was probably enjoying fast food a little too often, apologized for the way it was making me feel, and then surprised me by saying that my cooking has been incredible, but he wishes we had more time to be together...just us...isn't that my line?  We are always so busy and surrounded by little people that we rarely have time to just enjoy each other.  It may have made meal time less satisfying.

We had an amazing conversation and I even brought up some recipes that I would enjoy.  He in turn shared some recipes and talked and laughed and shared more than I think we have...EVER.  I am surprised at how wonderful our conversation was...I was expecting defensiveness, anger, excuses...I don't know...anything but the conversation that had us feeling closer than before.  We have a long way to go in our communication, but we talked about some ways that we can bond without kids so that cooking feels more natural, more exciting, and we can add more variety.

I hope that he enjoys fast food a little less often and doesn't continue to try to hide it from me.  I was very careful with my words and spoke more of how it made me feel like he didn't appreciate my cooking or that he was unhappy with it, rather than condemning him for eating so much fast food.  He will have to come to terms with his drive thru habits himself.  I can only do so much.

I think he may feel more comfortable...he was actually nervous bringing up some recipes he felt were adventurous and in my head I was thinking...ha, you call that adventurous, you haven't seen some of the recipes I want to try!  I didn't say that of course but did give him a couple of the things that sound fun and yummy to me.

I am very pleased with how the conversation went and can't wait for more like that.  I know they may not always be pleasant, but I have a bit more confidence now and I hope he does too!

Confrontation

I have made an observation, often when I am preparing for confrontation.  I seem to fill with frustration and aggravation due to some unmet expectations and inability with articulation.  The infuriation builds until my husband is likely to feel some deprivation of ejaculation.

I find myself lying down at night with exhaustion and prostration.  I have an inclination to fill with indignation about my perception of the disputations occurring in my imagination.  Levi comes to me with affection, hoping for an assignation and a celebration of our love.  Instead of capitulation, I have a continuation of irritation.  I slow my respiration and attempt some meditation.  I wonder if my frustration is hormone fluctuation or maybe indigestion.  I just can't seem to find my motivation.

I know that I should have a conversation about my continuation of the frustration I am feeling and the explanation I deserve for his secret fascination, but Levi has now showed indication that he has fallen into hibernation.  Then my body is in oscillation trying to get comfortable and deal with the fallen expectation of said confrontation.

The words are stuck in formulation and I can't seem to bring them to proper enunciation.  I know the confrontation is necessary, but my heart is having palpitations just in its contemplation.  The implication of this altercation has me ill in anticipation.  The temptation to ignore the speculations is great, but I know the confrontation must occur.

I am unsure how he will take the revelation of my declaration of his secret.  I waited until I had affirmation for the accusation and that it hasn't reached ANYTHING close to devastation...YET, but must be brought up for mutual examination and consideration.  I am trying to keep my mind from its own fabrication of explanations.

I accept with resignation the need for confrontation, at least for alleviation of the cumulation of stress and shorten the duration of anticipation as that is often worse than the confrontation itself.

I hope and pray that the diction and inflection of my words produces proper reception and prevents a horrible altercation.

Too Spicy?

Levi is a salt and pepper man.  Salt and pepper are important in all dishes of course but there are other spices that I would love to add to the dish.  We could try some oregano, cumin, or maybe even some cayenne every now and again...even cinnamon mmmm.  Nothing too spicy!  I don't want to dump the whole jar in, but just a shake here and there.

 Levis says, "But salt and pepper is so good, do we really need anything else?"

"Well, no, but it might be nice to try something new every once in a while?"

My attempts at adding some spice every so often has been met with a certain lack of enthusiasm.  It makes one quite nervous to introduce any new spices to the dish.  There have even been times that I have spent extra time and effort preparing the dish and I think Levi just wishes that we could stick to the salt and pepper.

So what is a wife to do?  The salt and pepper is great, of course, but cannot be the only spice Levi ever wants to use, can it?  I am a bit timid in talking about spices.  I am blushing as we speak, in fact. He seems equally uninterested in speaking about possible spices we might both be interested in.

I am scared to mention that certain spices might interest me.  What if Levi thinks I am aiming to be a master chef or something?  What if he thinks I don't enjoy the salt and pepper anymore?  What if he thinks I am a freak?...it's just oregano for goodness sake!  But I am not sure that I could ever bring up spices again if he thought that or reacted badly.

I love salt and pepper, but when you have salt and pepper all the time things begin to taste the same.  If you had to have the same dish every time then you wouldn't get too excited about it.  I don't want Levi to think that I am tired of salt and pepper by any means, after all, I only want to enjoy these spices with Levi.  How can I get him to understand that spices are a good thing?  Any thoughts?  I am slightly embarrassed that Levi and I can't seem to talk about spices very well after 14 years of marriage...is something wrong with us?