Mommy Confessions

I steal my kids' Halloween candy, but only the chocolate...

Happy Halloween!

That is all...

Conversations in my Head

So, I know that communication is crucial in a successful marriage, but I haven't figured out how to say what I am trying to do.  Here are some of the conversations going on in my head.  These convos aren't real...no, I was not stupid enough to say some of these things, although I have been close on numerous occasions. 

Conversation #1

So, honey, I have decided to submit to you.

What does that mean?

It means you are in charge.

In charge of what?

Well, in charge of stuff, everything. (this is where I start to get flustered and therefore get louder which indicates to my hubby that I am upset...when really I am upset with myself for not being able to explain)

(This is where my husband stares at me with deer in headlights eyes thinking through the last week to see where he messed up and what bomb I am about to drop in his lap)

Conversation #2

Hey babe, I think we should talk more.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, I feel like I do everything and I am tired.

(This is where my husband lets out a big sigh and feels again like he has somehow let me down)

Conversation #3

Honey, I am sorry that I try to control everything.

Babe, you are doing a great job.

Thanks, but I am tired of doing everything.

What do you need help with?

Well, I need you to tell me no sometimes, and "I got this" sometimes, and "we are going to do this" sometimes and I need you to know when I need that.

(deer in headlights...again)

Conversation #4,5,6, etc.

Sweetheart, I need you to grow a set, lead the family, blah, blah, blah
......................................................................................................................

Ok, so obviously none of those conversations are going to go over well.  So far I am sticking to the following three things:

If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin at all (Thumper rule)
When I break the "rule", I apologize. (I had no idea how often I was breaking this rule until I started paying attention to it)
I will not tell my husband how to drive (Thanks Irishey for the advice to break these into small doable parts...)

I will say for those of you who read "I wish my mouth was where my heart is", I have an update.  When my hubby got home, I apologized for the way I spoke to him and did not say another word about the weekend.  I took kid #1 on his special weekend and did not ask my husband what he was doing with kid 2 and 3, did not suggest, did not roll eyes, did not sigh, did not complain, nag or otherwise draw attention at all.  My husband, changed his plans and took the #2 and 3 kid on a special day and then went to his friends for dinner as a family. When I got back, I did not gloat, I did not say "good".  I asked if they had fun and if the kids liked it, listened to him tell me about it, looked at pics and told him about our weekend.  And all of that should not have been that hard for me, but was extremely difficult.

I read the book "The Surrendered Wife" (great reading), as suggested by Mick at Mick and Lynda's place.  I thought: this is easy, I can do this, how hard could it be?  God has a sense of humor.

Dora Dance

I did it, I did it, I did it, Yeah! My blog list, I did it:) I figured out you have to do it backwards. I did it, I did it, I did it, Yeah. Someone at blogger should be punished, Yeah. I did it.

Sorry, throwing myself a party because I finally was able to figure out how to add a blogroll, etc to my blog and in the order I wanted the thingies to show on the right side of my blog.

If you don't know who Dora is: she is a lovely cartoon character who is outgrowing her clothes that don't match and helps young children learn Spanish, read maps, and go on adventures. (Just in case you were wondering)

Sometimes it's the small stuff...I will hopefully have less trouble adding blogs when I get to that part:)  So if you don't see your blog there, don't be offended...blame my computer skills. 
Bea

Vulnerability

If you have 20 minutes...

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html


If you would like the cliffnotes version, although the video is much better...I am highly recommending the video, watch the video:

In order to form true connections with others, you must be vulnerable.
Things that we do so that we do not have to be vulnerable and therefore inhibit or block intimacy:

we numb...when we numb we numb the good and the bad
we make the uncertain, certain (I'm right, you are wrong)
we perfect
we pretend (what we do doesn't impact others)
blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort
control

What we should do to enhance intimacy:

let ourselves be seen
love with our whole heart even when there is no guarantee
practice gratitude
know that you are worthy
know that you are enough

What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful!

The above is all her words and not mine.  Below are my thoughts:

I have felt very raw for the last few days, like I get when I have a sunburn...everything that touches you or rubs up against you hurts.  I have wondered if it is because I have begun this journey to submit and let go of the unhealthy control. 

So I decided to list what I am so afraid will happen if I let go, as a way to realize that control is an illusion anyway:
If I let go, I fear no one will catch me.
If I let go, I fear the family will fall apart
If I let go, I fear that my husband won't love me
If I let go, I fear my children won't be perfect
If I let go, I fear I will not be me
If I let go, I fear that no one will like me
If I let go, I fear that I will be a disappointment
If I let go, I fear that we will go bankrupt, the house will be a wreck, etc.
If I let go, I fear that I will FAIL

I am letting my self be seen and vulnerable and I feel very raw, but I know that this is exactly where I am supposed to be...and to borrow another quote from the video "Not good or bad, it just is what it is."

Wish my Mouth was Where my Heart is

Ok, so the following post is probably not going to make much sense because there are only so many details I can give without giving away things I don't want to give away about me.  This anonymous stuff is harder than it looks.  Sorry if it is rambling on, but I am a little upset and have to vent somewhere...trying not to vent at my husband.

So, I am supposed to take my oldest on a special weekend this weekend, while my husband was supposed to take the younger two to go do something that he has wanted to do with them for years.

I was not having a very good afternoon, but had planned a lovely dinner and was looking forward to my husband coming home from work.  I was also looking forward to an evening where we did not have anything to do.  I get a phone call that someone is quitting something due to time constraints (involves a group we are in with our kids).  I get another call that someone who said they were going to do something, didn't and now I have to do something extra tomorrow that I hadn't intended on. Just trying to tell you where my mind is at.

So my husband calls...he got free tickets to something tonight and wants to take child 2 since child 1 is going to do something special this weekend.  Now my dinner is not something that I really want to go to the trouble of fixing for me and two kids...it is something big...so now I have to come up with something else for dinner so I can save that for the next night.  Have I mentioned I really do not handle change well. 

So he wonders why I am not more excited about the last minute change and free tickets (we generally like free in this family because since I stay home and we have three kids, the "extras" don't happen often).  Plus, I was going to have to be the one to tell kid 1 and 3 that kid 2 was going to do something special tonight because when he gets here he will be on the run.  Keep in mind we do have special "dates" with the kids, but we usually have a little more time to adjust to the fact that someone is going to get to do something someone else isn't and it's ok because they will get to do something later.

I said something about the special stuff this weekend and my husband said that he was no longer doing that but dropping the kids off with a friends' wife and they would be going to play golf.  This is a friend who I feel sometimes...ugh...I don't even know how to explain it.  He just somehow talks my husband out of stuff that he really wants to do. I also don't like the behavior of this guys kids and try to limit or at least be around when they are around our kids.  Nothing dangerous, just parented differently. 

So I can feel my blood pressure rise and am trying my hardest to keep my mouth closed...taking deep breaths, figuring out how I can express my feelings in a positive way and what blurts out of my mouth:

"Why do you let him bully you out of doing what you want to do?  And you know I don't like the kids over there that much."

"Why are you mad?"

Ok, so here is the part where I have reached my limit and just can't hold it in anymore.  So in a rude tone and loud volume:

"So, now instead of spending time with your kids, you get to go play and I am going with kid 1 on the special weekend that you said you couldn't take him on because you were taking kid 2 and 3 to this other thing.  I just don't understand why you let this friend make you feel bad if you don't tell him yes."

"Fine, I will just tell him I can't go and I will take kids 2 and 3 to what I said I would."

"Ugh...I don't want you to do what I want you to do, but what you want to do, not anyone else!  I have to go and figure out what I am going to fix the kids. I will have kid 2 ready for you."

And then I hung up.  And then I cried.  Before I realized what I was doing I would have justified how I spoke to him, now I know.  I can't unlearn the fact that I not only made him feel like he was a bad father, that he didn't have the balls to stand up to his friend, but also that he was a disappointment.  I have probably ruined his evening with kid 2 who will love where he is going. 

And although, I had legitimate reason to talk to him...my delivery sucked.

I sure do wish my mouth was where my heart is.

Renovation Reality

Have you seen the show on DIY called Renovation Realities?  It is one of my favorite shows...and not because of the renovations themselves although that is fun to watch as well.  You have to love the before and afters.  Working hard to achieve a common goal and all that.

The real reason I like the show so much is to watch the way the couple interacts with each other.  You get a front row seat and insight into their marriage.  You see firsthand how they deal with stress.  My husband and I have decided that we could never go on this show or survive a home renovation where we do the work.  We do paint well together, but redoing an entire kitchen might just see us end up separated.  We have vowed to hire others more qualified and live in peace.

I have noticed that there are a few couples, that although they make silly mistakes in the renovation, their marriage seems to have a solid structure. They all seem to have a few of the same qualities:

1. The husband exudes a certain confidence (even though they have no idea what they may be doing)
2. The wife (although possibly quite nervous) trusts her husband to make the right decision.
3. The husband apologizes when he makes a mistake.
4. The wife does not harp on it or insult her husband's intelligence or abilities.
5. The husband listens to his wife when she shares a suggestion and lets her try things (even when she is doing a questionable job).
6. When they are tired, exhausted, frustrated they are fairly successful at not taking it out on each other.

Conversely, a lot of couples' relationships seem to be built on sinking sand.  Although I laugh (cause come on, sometimes it is lol funny), I feel sorry for them.  I wonder if when they watch the show they cringe at the way speak to each other or if they feel justified for acting the way they did.  In these relationships they sometimes have the following qualities (I am generalizing a bit):

1.  The husband exudes either arrogance (I don't mean the good kind) or mouse like qualities.
2.  The wife typically points out every little thing that their spouse does wrong or cries every time her husband makes a rude remark.
3.  The husband either over apologizes for every criticism his wife shares, trying to keep the peace or never apologizes because he does no wrong (at least in his eyes).
4.  The husband or wife brings up every time in the history of the relationship that the other made a mistake.
5. The husband or wife does not let the other try anything because they feel that they will do everything better.
6. When they get tired, exhausted, frustrated they cry, throw things, curse, yell at each other, etc. etc.

Well, my marriage is under renovation.  There are too many times that I cringe at the words I use and the mistakes I have made. I want the qualities of the solid structure marriage.  I have no idea how to get there, but will be sharing with you and taking the steps to try.  I will say that at this point my husband has no idea that we are under renovation. I know that some of you may disagree and I fully intend to share this with him at some point, but for now he does not know about this blog, does not know that I am working to surrender, and does not have a clue that we are under renovation and sadly because it has gone on for so long does not realize that we need it. 

I am sure that he will suspect something soon, but I am making changes slowly (hopefully to ensure that I stick with it and also not to run some kind of shock and awe campaign:))

At times I feel bad for hiding this from him, but we are at the point where no matter how I phrase it, he will blame himself, he will feel like he has failed again, and I do not want him to feel that way anymore.  I feel like I will know when it is safe to share my intentions.  I need to change first so that he can lead and I will be more willing to follow.

Off to renovate...hopefully you can laugh with me along the way and not cringe at my mistakes too often:)
Bea

The Pants

I wear the pants...I not only wear the pants, I took the pants, I STOLE  the pants.  For a long time my husband would steal them back and there we were in a proverbial tug of war for said pants. 

I thought that the pants were mine to wear.  I was sure of it.  I knew that I could wear them better, they would fit me better, I would rock those pants.

I think that my husband got tired of taking the pants back and reluctantly, exasperatedly let me keep the pants. He was trying to make peace, trying to make sure that I was happy.  I don't think that he is very happy, walking around pantless.

I have tried handing him back the pants and to my utter surprise, he doesn't want them back. 

See, I realized they weren't my pants...I have no idea why I tried to steal them in the first place because they aren't mine...they don't even fit.  I have my own pants and I look a little ridiculous wearing two pair.  Plus I am physically tired from trying to wear two pairs of pants.

I didn't know what to do.  I was bewildered. Why oh why did I even want these pants.  They are really heavy...the burden of these pants. 

I am laying down the pants.

I am going to worry about rocking my own pair of pants.

I know my husband will eventually pick up the pants, but I fully expect him to pass by the pants for a little while...I think he will be waiting for me to pick them back up.

When I think of the time that I wasted, the energy I used without even knowing it, and the pain it may have caused myself, my husband, and my marriage it is easy for me to feel guilty.  I will choose now to allow our love to heal our marriage, allow God to define and show me what my pants and my husbands pants should look like, and I will not dwell on the years spent fighting over those damn pants.

I wanted to share this song with you...it inspires me.  Some light lead me to realize that there was a problem in my marriage.  I feel my bones ignited and I feel inspired to fix the problems I have caused.  I hope the pants references were not to annoying...I am a visual person and it helped me visualize our little over a decade long marriage. (If they were, you could make a drinking game out of how many times I said pants, jk)

Coldplay
"Fix You"
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Light will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Thumper

"If you can't say somethin' nice, ...don't say nothin' at all."
Thumper

And cue the crickets.

So, I decided rule #2 (maybe I shouldn't call them rules...that is the teacher in me...goals, goals would be better) would be the "Thumper Rule".

Why not, that seemed easy enough...I am sure you are thinking the same thing.  It is amazing to me how wrong I can be sometimes.

So, this morning I decided I would start on this goal...and remained very quiet already.  I truly had no idea that some of the things I say out of habit could be "not nice", but as I am thinking very hard about what I say, I realize that although I don't curse, name call, etc.   I do criticize or question.

Oh Geez, I'm a cactus!

Ooooooo come closer to my pretty flower so I can PRICK YOU WITH MY SPINES!

Proverbs 10:19  When words are many, transgression is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

James 1:19 Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

If my friends were reading this, they would not believe that I was able to remain relatively quiet this morning.  Although not a morning person, I am also known to talk...a lot.  Enough that my husband this morning was concerned for my health...geez.

"Wouldn't it be better if...", "Shouldn't you...", "Sigh, I'll do it..."

And these were just a few of the phrases that I kept myself from uttering this morning...sure to follow with some way I could do it better.  And then I complain that my husband doesn't help around the house. No WONDER!  If someone followed me around saying these phrases to me all day, I'd be like, "Go ahead and do it all then!"

So as my husband says on his way out the door, "Are you feeling alright honey, you've been awfully quiet this morning?", I vow to continue trying to live by Thumper's rule. 

Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

The Beginning

"Let's start at the very beginning,
It's a very good place to start..."
Sorry distracted by the Sound of Music.

My marriage at times has been just like most normal marriages, ups and downs, good and bad, happy and well, not so happy.  So you are thinking, "Why rock the boat", "If it ain't broke...".  Well here's the thing...we have survived several crises in our marriage...if we had another one, I don't know if we are strong enough to weather it.

That scares me. I don't mean just a little shiver...I mean bone-deep terrifying.

So I have begun to help out the self-help industry and study...what makes a great marriage?

Is it love, trust, respect, communication, sex, humor? I was overwhelmed by the lists of ingredients for a happy marriage.

My husband and I love each other (although sometimes I am not sure if we like each other).  We have common goals (or at least I think we do). 

The thing is we don't communicate well (sometimes we feel more like roommates with kids), I am not sure that I am showing him respect, and the list goes on and on.  Kinda makes a girl feel like she may not be doing much right.

So, I came up with my own ingredient list and the number one thing on the list of having a great marriage is:

1. Care about whether or not your marriage is great.

Phew...I am so there.  (Sometimes you have to start where you are:))

I do care about whether my marriage is great or mediocre. I care if my husband and I are having the best marriage we can have. I care about my children continuing to have parents who can weather any storm and provide an example of what married life should be.

So, check, I have completed the first item on the agenda...NOW WHAT?

Google, of course. I began to google being a good wife...don't laugh at me.  Some things just don't always come naturally and when you are on a limited budget, google is a girl's best friend.  The problem is I had to weed through the bad with the good.  I began to read blogs.  Uh...had no idea how addicting that can be...and so, a blog is born.  What a great way to be real and get your thoughts in order. This is to be a way for me to watch my progress towards a phenomenal life. Maybe I can help someone else along the way. Maybe not.

But the mountain sure does look big and beautiful from the beginning of the trail.

So, How's That Working For Ya

Ahhhh, married life. The blissful, peaceful, happily ever after existence that occurs after the wedding.

So, how's that working for ya? 

Enter a decade and a half later: three kids, mortgage, car payments, dog, cat, fish, stretch marks, and you can pretty much guess where the marital relationship falls in the ranking. 

Disclaimer: I am happy, my husband is a good guy, my kids are cute, and I am not about to jump off a bridge.  I am writing this blog as I strive to become a better wife, better mother, a new Bea.  Sometimes I will complain, whine, say something you don't understand and cannot fathom.  Guess what, it is my blog.  You are welcome, but not at my expense. So please keep negative comments to yourself.

Ok, now that I have that out of my system...My marriage is a Ford.  Reliable, inexpensive, and not many bells and whistles. 

I would like it to be a Lexus with heated and air conditioned seats, sunroof, back up camera, bluetooth...ok, I think you get the picture.  I have no idea how to get from the Ford to the Lexus, but I hope to chronicle my journey to a better marriage on this blog (or would that be in this blog, hmmm.)  Proper use of prepositions is not all that important I guess.

I have come to realize that the only person you have any control over is....drum roll please....I know that you will be shocked to read this...YOURSELF. 

Funny how you can tell yourself that over and over and over again and yet you still try to change other people.  So, how's that working for ya?  I subconsciously try to control my environment because it makes me feel safe, but the thing is, that means I am controlling others too and then I become someone who isn't all that fun to live with.

Enter the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

God, if you could throw in a manual letting me know HOW to do that, that would be great.