I am THAT one in the group. I am the one that people call and ask for advice. I have NO idea why other than the fact that I never laugh at them? Maybe? I don't consider my advice wise...half the time I just prescribe wine. TMI is not really in my vocabulary, though, so I often get and give sex advice.
So I had a friend who called me to tell me how grumpy and stressed her husband had been lately and wanted to know if I had any advice on how to cheer him up.
Seriously, this is easy.
So I asked her...how long has it been since you had sex?
Um...Uhh....
Sweetie, if it is taking that long to remember, then it has been too long...Jump him. I am quite certain his mood will improve.
And you know what? She called me the next day. Voila, husband is a happy camper.
Hmmm....I have been a bit grumpy lately and feeling like roommates so maybe I should take my own advice...this has been a low couple of weeks for some reason. Thinking I should jump Levi...yep, sounds like a plan.
Have a lot going on and may not be around this week, so I hope you all have a lovely holiday.
My advice to you this week? Lighten up and have sex...and wine...improve the mood in your house:)
I am coming to realize something, something I knew was coming, but was not prepared to happen so quickly.
My days of swing pushing, lego building, and hand holding are coming to a close. My little boy is growing up. Of course my job is not over and never will be, and although he still needs me as a mother and there are still things for me to teach him, he needs Levi more now.
I can't teach my son how to be a man.
What can I do? This is a difficult age for me as he transitions from a boy to a young man and I am having a bit of trouble with it. Certainly I can tell him how I think a man should behave, but I am not a man. I don't think or act like one, so he will be learning how to be a man and leader from his father.
Levi and I have talked a little about this and this is what we have come up with...do you have anything to add?
-I can show respect to Levi:
I should be doing this anyway...that is kinda the whole point of my blog (wink), but I am still learning exactly what it means. I realize now how important it is for me to model this for our sons and daughter. Speaking just about the oldest at the moment, it will be important for him to see how he should be treated so that he chooses someone that treats him with respect. I try not speak down to or criticize Levi. If I disagree with him and feel like something needs to be said then I do that away from the children. I try make my suggestions or ideas in front of the children in a respectful manner and not in a sarcastic or "duh" kind of way. I say "try" because this is nowhere near perfect yet, but I am improving.
-Treat our oldest with respect:
I am learning just how important it is that men (even little ones) need respect. This is a tough one though because as his parent and as an adult, I deserve respect as well. Looking for ways that I can show him respect. I am reading a book right now that is transforming my views of men. It is called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs...I plan on reviewing it at some point but for now I want to explain something that is revolutionary in my mind. I have always thought that respect was something you earned and I would argue that outside marriage and family, that is still the case. Dr. Eggerichs suggests that men need unconditional respect like women need unconditional love.
Unconditional.
I am practicing respectful disagreement, and treating our oldest with respect and still providing discipline...that is tough for me, but it is amazing how much easier he takes the discipline when it is dolled out in a respectful manner. Sure he still needs my love, but needs to feel respected also.
-Teach our oldest how to respectfully disagree and hear him out:
As our son gets older and he becomes a young man, I know that we will disagree about certain things. I am getting ridiculous attitude some days, but what I realized is that he disagrees with me. That in and of itself is fine, but he is not being respectful which sets me off and then I don't listen to what he is saying. He needs to know that he can disagree with me. It doesn't mean he will get his way. He needs to learn how to do that respectfully. I am coming into a time when he is more independent and will begin to choose things out of my control...boy! does that put my control monster into a tail spin!! He does have good ideas sometimes and I need to listen to his thoughts and give him ways that he could say it better. I believe this skill will help at school, work, and when leading his family. Because most interaction during the day is with me, I believe my roll in teaching this skill is important. I am trying not to shoot down every idea he gets because it doesn't fit into our schedule or my idea of how the day should go.
For example, he thought that they should go outside and play before he did his homework because it gets dark so quickly. I have a big rule that homework comes first. He was stomping around and being a twerp as kids do. I knew that if they did their homework first that they probably would not have time to go outside as it does get dark early, so I called him over to me and asked him what he was doing that was disrespectful to me. He mumbled..."dfksjghuirlgh." I am sorry I cannot understand what you said. "Stomping." Yes, how could you share your idea with me in a better way. He tried again and I corrected his tone. I said I understand what you are saying about it getting dark, but I am worried about you not finishing your homework. What could we do about that? (At this point I am thinking...this has to be the most difficult way to go about this...it better work!...I was a bit frustrated) I suggested a time limit and that if they could go out and come back in the first time called and do their homework without whining that we could try it out. This took a lot more dialogue than what I have written here. Homework had never been easier...he was like a little policeman with his little brother..."she is not going to let us do this again if you don't come in when she says", etc.
-Let him fail and face the consequences:
Oh boy this one is really hard for me. I know that I have talked before about my huge fear of failure...HUGE PEOPLE! I certainly don't want my children to fail either, but sometimes he needs to fail a bit in order to learn something. Teachable moments in a safe way and at a time that it will not effect the rest of his life. Sometimes this is as simple as when you don't bring your dirty clothes downstairs when I have asked you, then you go to school in pants you already wore this week. Then because I am already done with said laundry you will be doing your own. Sometimes it is a little more serious like when you don't organize your schoolwork, locker, bedroom, backpack and you can't find a paper that is due tomorrow then you miss out on something fun because you have to redo it or you get points taken off because it will be late. Or waiting until the last minute to do a project and expecting me to stay up and help you. Levi is probably going to have to sit on me for this one, kinda like when we let the kids cry it out a bit when they were babies:)
-Teach him to understand women (Levi will have to teach him to lead...I can only help him understand why women-even little ones-behave the way they do)
I see it already in his dealings with his sister...man this starts young. He wants to be on his own or play something that she can't...she is wailing that he doesn't love her and wails enough that he gives in...the men in this family are not helping me with this little girl...let me tell you! I pull him aside and tell him that it is good that he plays with his sister, but it is ok that he wants to do things sometimes that she can't and he needs to tell her that he is busy and can play in a little while. She will have to get over it. He can do this in a loving way and I tell him how. He does not like her to cry or get upset. I ask why do you think she cries and gets upset. She either a) wants to get her way and is able to with drama or b) is worried you don't like her and never want to play with her. He alleviates (b) by saying he will play with her at x time and then does so, and ignores the drama for (a) so that she will figure out it gets her nowhere. Kinda explains adult relations too, does it not?
Eye...opening.
-Give him opportunities to and encourage him to male bond
He is in scouts and I absolutely love the experiences that he has been able to have. Levi and him do it together and as he transitions with the older kids...it is male led and male only. I love this for him. Sure, I get nervous, but I have to suck it up and let him learn.
Ack, anyone have a glass of wine? I need a drink after this list.
So that is where I am at...I know that some of you are a season ahead of me in this, so tell me...what did you do to help your sons as they transitioned to young men? How did you help your spouse? And how many bottles of wine should I stock per week?
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and apparently I can't (as much as I want to believe it) do two things at once. I can't seem to blog when I am in thinking mode. Sure, I have been very busy lately, but that isn't the reason that I haven't been around. Oh and I could probably blame it on stress, or kids, or broken vehicles, or a myriad of other things, but the truth is I have been thinking.
I am a thinker. I seem to have to think something to death before I can decide on something, which can be extremely frustrating. I wish I was one of those people that can make a decision and just jump in with both feet. If you know someone like this, please be patient with them. I guarantee you they probably wish they could be different. I TRY to accept what just is, so I seem to stand on the sidelines, observe for a while, imagine myself there, go through all the possible what ifs, and finally decide on something. Sometimes I jump in and think, "Why did I take so long? This rocks!", and sometimes I think, "Oh Hell no, this is NOT what I thought." and proceed to jump right back out. And sometimes I walk away feeling like it isn't worth the risk or know that it wouldn't work for me.
I seem to be stuck. Oh yes, I am good and stuck. I have decided a few things...truths for myself. I suppose where I am stuck is what to do about it. The problem is that I have done a lot all by myself. Gosh I really hate it when people are vague, don't you?! This is why I can't seem to blog. I can't seem to share myself until I have it all worked out in my head, but isn't this what this is for? I can pour out my brain here and along the way I can figure it out. So, here is a bit of randomness that I can pour out. I can say that who knows if I will feel the same next week on some of these issues, but here is where I am at right now.
My marriage is important to me.
I am trying to be the best wife that I can be...it's exhausting.
Maybe I should just focus on being the best me that I can be.
Levi thinks it is strange that I am wanting to check in with our marriage.
I think he feels threatened.
What I can't seem to get across to him is that I love him.
I want us to have an amazing marriage.
I certainly understand that relationships have highs and lows.
Our marriage is good.
It's not great.
I am just trying to be connected, plugged in, hot for each other.
Kids...gotta love em...but they do get in the way a bit sometimes.
You are probably reading this and upset that I am saying the kids get in the way.
It's the truth whether I want to admit it or not...adorable they are and I wouldn't have it any other way.
But I have a fear of waking up one day and not knowing the man next to me.
(the man being Levi...just in case you aren't following me)
I can't follow myself sometimes...hence the thinking.
Do you ever get irritated when someone you disagree with on some things is right about other things?
Then you have to give someone credit for being right about something you thought was wrong.
Ugh.
Especially when you thought you were right?
Maybe you are still right, but just aren't giving it enough time?
Maybe you are just too focused on someone else?
Or maybe you are feeling an intervention coming and want to figure out what to say?
Yes, probably that other one.
Someone told me that me surrendering wouldn't work.
I will have to admit that he is partially right.
Surrendering "alone" won't work for us.
Not alone...by yourself...but alone...without someone else.
Follow me there?
No?
Let me try it this way.
I can't do marriage by myself.
I need Levi to do it to, to care, to plug in, to want us to be hot, to want us to be great.
I need him to want to do this with me, to want to be a better him for us.
I can only change myself, you say?
I shouldn't be focused on him being different, you say?
I should just keep trying, you say?
All true, I say.
After God, my marriage should be my priority.
Then kids, work, family, friends, interests, etc.
(keep in mind that this is for me...not judging you if you disagree)
Levi would like for things to just be like they are...what's wrong with where we are at?
Nothing really.
But why have a stale store bought chocolate chip cookie when you can have a warm, gooey, fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookie?
Sure, it's edible, but is it worth the calories.
Don't freak out here...some of you may be thinking...oh dear, she is going to leave him or something.
Cow Patty.
(That's a nice way to say something else, in case you didn't follow me there)
Just pourin' out my thoughts over hear if you made it this far.
Pat yourself on the back.
Squirrel (if you don't get this reference...watch Up)
Whenever I try to sign my name on a comment on my phone, my auto correct tries to write Bra instead of Bea...so if you ever get a comment from Bra...well, you know it is me.
Like that change of subject?
I am leaving you with a song...The Civil Wars rocks if you haven't heard them...their harmony is amazing and this is one of my favorite songs of theirs. They are not married to each other but are married and when asked what this song was about, they said it was about the ups and downs of marriage. (basically-paraphrasing here).
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Ooh, your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will, I always will, I always will
I always will, I always will
Apparently I was late for Love our Lurkers...if you lurk on my blog, I am sorry:) Just kidding...hopefully you will come out and say hi sometime.
