I am not ignoring you...

I wrote about my poor self image in Have you seen my mojo? and am really trying to internalize your supportive comments.  I am not ignoring you and they have meant a lot to me.  It is just difficult to respond.  I am trying REALLY hard to focus on the positive and even tried being naked under the covers in order to initiate...that went rather well:)  But I have still been rather negative and not really liking the mirror.

I think I know what part of my issue is, but it is so ingrained in my personality that I am not sure how to go about fixing it.  When I was in school I did just enough to get by.  I would drive my parents crazy because I knew that I could spend the first half of the grading period skipping homework and not studying and the last half working my tail off and still make Bs.  The bad thing is I was completely capable of making As rather easily, but I didn't try.  Why didn't I try? 

Yep, I was afraid to fail.  I figured if I didn't try and failed then it was okay, because I failed because I didn't really try that hard.  But, if I tried really hard and failed then I was a ... Failure with a capital F.  I am not sure where this originated, but I just remember always being this way.  I am really trying hard to instill in my kids to always do their best.  If they fail at something that I know they are capable of then I don't freak out.  I ask them if what they did was their best, what they can do better next time, etc.  And yet I still have one that I can tell is going to struggle with this like I have, whether I like it or not.  Amazing how they pick up the things you don't want them to.  Ugh.

I am afraid of failure, but I am also afraid to be really good at something.  What?  Yea, whatever, I don't get it either, but it keeps me from reaching goals that I truly WANT to reach. 

I am really good at setting goals.  Lose 25 pounds, raise balanced children, be a better wife, take my vitamins, eat healthy, exercise, write a book etc. etc.  Problem is: I am not very good at reaching goals.  Is it laziness? Fear?  Maybe.  But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about the things I am good at. 

I am doing well at goals that are broken up into smaller segments such as raising children and being a better wife.  These things are automatically broken up.  I can't raise kids overnight and they reach milestones over time and are broken up into small goals already: eat solids, crawl, walk, potty train, teach colors/alphabet, Kindergarten, how to treat friends, how to resolve conflict and so on.  Sure it is challenging and I am not always great at it, but somehow knowing that I have reached a little goal here and there keeps me going.  And I am good at being a mom, perfect-NO, but good.

On the other side of things, I have had the same weight loss goal for more than a decade.  A DECADE!  Sure, I had kids in between and did always lose the baby weight, but can't for the life of me get past this.  Yes, I have had thyroid issues and other things, but having this goal and not really working for it, giving up on it, obsessing about it is beginning to weigh on me.  Pun intended...hahaha.  It is overwhelming and I shut down. 

So, what do I do now?

I like lists so I am going to try to puzzle out where I am at here with this goal.

What is holding me back?

-fear of failure?
-laziness?
-fear of reaching my goal?
-focusing on the negative instead of the positive?
-overwhelmed?
-giving up?

I think I need to switch gears.  I have been in neutral for too long.  I need to shift my focus in order to experience some success.  Average Married Dad wrote a post about active and passive hobbies.  I am really good at passive hobbies:)  I love to read, write, blog, and listen to music.  I have interests in active hobbies, but have not acted on them in quite some time.  I could make excuses, but to be honest with you I have not made it a priority.  Everyone else has been a priority.  So, I am shifting my focus and instead of setting a goal of losing 25 pounds, for now I am going to set some goals in regards to an active hobby. 

It sounds a lot more fun and less overwhelming.

I love to hike.  I love photography.  Hiking will help me to be healthier and lose weight, but I will also have some time to myself or time with my family depending on the day.  I can photograph things on my hikes and can have fun with that hobby too.  Hiking will inadvertently help me to lose weight too without some of the pressure of failing. 

 

So with goals as in hiking you must take steps.

Step one: I have always wanted to buy this book called 60 Hikes within 60 miles of ___________.  They sell one for most large cities.  I am going to the book store today and if they don't have it then I will order it.
Step two: Begin planning first big hike, date, time, how far.  Share these steps with Levi so that he can encourage me.
Step three: Walk in preparation at least three times a week around neighborhood pond.
Step four: After completing first big hike and sticking to the three times a week step for at least a month, write more steps and buy some cute hiking boots cause what woman wouldn't work a little harder for new shoes:)

I am very sorry if this post doesn't really follow a cohesive thought pattern...just how my brain works:)  It is actually how I have conversations too, much to the consternation of Levi.  I am also really bad about changing the subject or having half the conversation in my head and the rest out loud so hope I didn't lose you:) 

 

For me, the first step isn't always the hardest. 

It is continuing to walk.

Bea

 



Matthew 14:22-33

 



Stolen Kisses and Copping Feels

Things are definitely feeling more normal around here.  How can I tell?  Levi is more playful and a heck of a lot less stressed out which means that there are a lot of stolen kisses and copping feels.

Levi's love language is physical touch.  Mine is not, but because his IS physical touch or maybe it is just because he is a man, he often tries to show me his love in very physical ways.  Over the weekend my rear was smacked while putting laundry in the washer, I was molested in the pantry, and while washing dishes he copped a feel...well, several feels. Before you think that I am complaining, I was quite enjoying the attention (although I used to get annoyed until I realized what he was trying to do).

I said, "Uh, babe, you are making this hard.  I am trying to do the dishes," said with a smile while keeping my eye on the hall for any children that might happen around the corner.

He said, "Hmmmm, I think you are making this hard and I am trying to do the dishwasher."

Badumbum.



 

Why do I Surrender?

Why do I surrender?  People have noticed.  My kids have noticed, friends have noticed, and my husband has surely noticed.  Everyone so far has been very supportive.  Do I feel different?  Yes.  But not in the way that "the world" would tell me I should be feeling.  I don't feel powerless.  I don't feel oppressed.  It is very difficult to describe the changes in our marriage so I have decided that occasionally I will give you a little before and after of an incident or moment in our marriage.  Part of it is for me.  I need the reminder every so often of why I am doing this too.  There are days that I certainly fall back on old habits.  If I can keep the memory of the things that have made a difference then I will be more likely to continue doing them.  Some may be small things like the one that I will share today and some may be big things.  Hopefully they can help someone else "see" how life can be.


Before: (before will be what would have happened had I not begun to make the changes I have-so this didn't really happen but I am not exaggerating...this would have really happened.)

Levi decides that he is going to put together the laundry room cabinet.  There are five children running around the house as our kids have friends over.  I am starting the dishes.

Me-"You are going to do that now?" said while pointing at running children and the dishes.

Levi-"Yea, I thought you said you needed this done."

Me-"Well, yes, but not now!"

Levi-"Well, this is the only time that I am going to have to do it," starting to get annoyed.

Me-"Fine."  I continue doing the dishes and the kids are running around everywhere and I slam things a little so that he "sees" what I am dealing with.

Levi pulls all the parts out of the box and finds the directions.  A couple of times he mumbles something about stupid directions are some such and I take it upon myself to "offer" help.

Me-"Do you need help?" said in a horrible tone while still finishing dishes. 

Levi-"No, I got it."

Me-"Wouldn't it be better if you held it this way?" said while grabbing said part.

Holy cow, I am sure you could tell how the rest of this went.  Levi would either have thrown up his hands and walked away and let me do it or he would have suffered through my direction.  The dishes were not finished.  I felt annoyed and righteous.  Levi felt emasculated and irritable.

After: (so this is what really happened)

Levi decides that he is going to put together the laundry room cabinet.  There are five children running around the house as our kids have friends over.  I am starting the dishes.

Me-After seeing that Levi means to put the cabinet together, "Hey guys, why don't y'all play upstairs for now so that you are out of Levi's/Dad's way."  I see that the kids make it upstairs.  I give Levi a quick kiss and say thanks for putting this together for me.  I am going to do the dishes, let me know if you need help."

Wander off to the kitchen and do the dishes.  Now before you think that my mind is silent...think again.  I have made changes to my attitude and what comes out of my mouth but I was still thinking to myself that now was not the best time for ME to tackle this project.  But then I told myself that my husband worked all day, took a walk around the neighborhood with five kids and was building this cabinet for me.  So I told my inner shrew to shut the hell up.

Levi pulls all the parts out of the box and finds the directions.  A couple of times he mumbles something about stupid directions are some such and I take it upon myself to offer a beer.

I call from the kitchen, "Hey babe, would you like a beer?"  Now inside my head I am thinking...maybe I should have just done this myself.  Hey, I am not perfect and I didn't SAY it.  I am working on the thoughts but old habits die hard!

Levi-"That would be awesome!"

I take him a beer and finish the dishes.

Levi-"Can you hold this a sec?"

Me-"Sure."

Levi-"Ok, thanks...I'm good."

I go to sit on the couch and relax.

Levi finishes and I help him put it in the laundry room and then give him a huge sloppy kiss with a huge "You're my hero smile". 

Me-"Thanks, Babe...you rock"

Levi-While slapping my rear walking out of the laundry room, "I am going to rock something later:)"

I felt accomplished(by completing the dishes and not being a shrew) and excited about my new cabinet.  Levi felt (I am assuming cause I didn't ask him) accomplished and horny. 

So there is my first before and after.  I don't know how he lived with me before but I sure am glad he is still here for the after:)

Have you seen my mojo?



 

 

Levi would like for me to initiate more.  He has said that he can usually tell when I am in the mood, but would like for me to....well, jump him.  I am excited that he felt like he could come right out and share that with me.  That alone shows that we are making progress.  My initiation is usually more subtle in nature.  I might dress nicely, make sure that he can see my cleavage, cuddle up to him at bedtime, etc.  Apparently he would like something a little more aggressive in nature.  Oh, WHY does this strike fear into my stomach?  I am not entirely sure.  I have periods of time when I am more confident for a few months and then...not so much.   

Right now my confidence is shot.  I am not sure where it is and what happened to it, but I am not happy with my image in the mirror right now.  I like me as a person, but am not happy with what I look like at the moment.  I know that my husband finds me attractive, but to be quite honest it doesn't really matter right now.  If I don't find myself worthy of his attention then I find myself in this blah place where sex really doesn't interest me much.  This weird roller coaster isn't monthly so I really can't blame the hormones either.  We had sex in the morning one day and I seriously kept worrying about my husband's view the whole time because...gasp...it was light outside! 

I am an average woman.  Since no one has actually seen me (ok, maybe like two of you), then you know that I am not fishing for compliments.  I will never be a 10 and that is okay, but I do not believe that I am where I need to be.  My weight loss struggle is foremost in my mind, but it will take a while to see results on that front.  I know that I need to lose 25-30 pounds, but since I can't wake up tomorrow and have that happen in a healthy way then I need to do something else to help me feel less discouraged.  I have been very negative about myself to myself lately and it is only making me feel more negative and I continue to sink into that wallpaper that I talked about.  So I decided to make a list of physical things that I do like about myself.  Maybe if I focus on that and the small things that I can do immediately then I will begin to get my confidence back and find my mojo again. 

What I do like (physically, like I said, I like myself as a person so I won't go into personality traits):

Smile - I have been told that I have a nice smile, nice full lips, and straight white teeth (my mother would say "You better!" after all the money she spent on braces:))  I wore braces or retainers for 7 years!!  Of course that was before they had all this cool stuff that doesn't take as long.  Sometimes I can still taste the glue...ewww.  My friends would tell you that I smile all the time so I do have laugh lines, but I figure those are better than frown lines any day.

Hair - Although I get rather frustrated with my hair, I still recognize that my hair is a pretty color. 

Curviness - Although my curves are a bit too large at the moment, I am thankful that I am proportionate. I do have a waist.

Ankles-Ok, I know this one is weird and maybe I read too many historical romances about well-turned ankles, but I have a friend who hates her ankles and she has told me that my ankles are perfect.  My calves slim down and my ankles are slender....no cankles here, other than when I was pregnant, but I couldn't see my cankles then so it didn't matter:)

        

 

Levi's favorite part - since they are my husband's favorite then I suppose I can count them in the parts I like, although I wish they were as perky as they once were.  I can't help but think of Sixteen Candles Long Duck Dong's new American girlfriend and when the grandparents proclaim that Samantha has "gotten her boobies."  Classic.

 

Complexion - Although I wish I could tan, my complexion is clear.

 

I think making this list is already making me feel better...
What I can do now:

 

Exercise - With all the moving and having three kids home all the time I have not had time to do much exercise, but I am trying to sneak it in when I can.  Even though I won't see results right away, I know that it will make me feel better and more confident.

 

Eating Well - Ditto.  I have done really well with that this week as I have finally had time to plan meals and shop.

 

Grooming - I am in need of a haircut, manicure, pedicure, and brow wax (no one notices the brows but me since they are so light).  I know that I feel more confident when I am well groomed.

 

Closet - My closet is in sad shape.  I very rarely buy clothes for myself and it is showing.  I think I feel guilty because I stay at home and am not "making the money" and if I do go out shopping then I usually come home with stuff for everyone else and not me.  Levi has never made me feel badly about clothes and often encourages me to go shopping if I need to, so this is my own guilt not someone else making me feel that way.  I need to get over that, set a budget, and go get some clothes.
 

 

Maybe if I can start on this list then I will find where I lost my mojo and will feel more comfortable in the bedroom again.  Maybe not.  But it couldn't hurt, right?

Have you noticed the wallpaper?

Isn't it funny how something random can spark big thoughts in your head? 

On our recent house hunt we saw a lot of beautiful homes and a few that were not so beautiful.  I am really good at seeing the potential in a home. Levi, however is not or maybe he is, but he just doesn't want to.  I can see things through the eyes of what it could be and he doesn't want to open those eyes at the moment.  He does not want to have to fix anything that isn't a little paint and some new carpet.  Projects sounded fun to me, but after six months of a long commute I understood why Levi just wanted to be home.  Home in the sense that it was already cozy, comfortable, and relaxing.  We are settled and unpacked, well, as long as you don't look in the garage:)  Sure we want to paint eventually and get some new appliances, but he can come home and relax. 

There is something that we both agreed on when we were looking for homes: NO WALLPAPER.  Both of us cannot stand the stuff, regardless of it's recent comeback.  I think we have nightmares still from helping some friends of ours, 12 or so years ago, remove wallpaper from every room in their first house.  Regardless of the cool tools they sell now to remove it, we were just not gonna have it.  We even nixed a gorgeous house that had wallpaper in one bathroom, leaving our realtor quite baffled.  Wallpaper...ugh...shivers.

So all this wallpaper business got me to thinking.  There are times that I feel a part of the wallpaper.  Times that Levi or the kids forget I am there unless they need something.  And then they remember, oh, Mom isn't just a part of the "wallpaper" so to speak.  I saw this artist's work one time when searching for something long forgotten and thought to myself...yes, that is how it feels sometimes.  You can see the person, but only if you really look.  The artist's name is Emma Hack...here is one of her photographs:

 

Google her...they are pretty neat, some are sexy and some are downright cool...like this one:

 

 

 

Ok, I got totally off subject...back to the wallpaper.  So I was talking to a close friend of mine about our loathing for wallpaper.  She hates it also.  She has some wallpaper in her master bath that she has wanted to remove since she moved in, but just hasn't gotten around to it.  She admitted also that she just got used to it.  I have seen this wallpaper...it is HIDEOUS...it is difficult to fathom how anyone could get used to it!  But I understand what she means.  When you see something every day then it can tend to blend in and be taken for granted.  It is the same principal as that pile of crap that you have in the corner.  After a while you get used to seeing it and forget it is there.

 

Don't worry, I am getting to the point.  If you got lost in my round about way of getting here?  I will sum up.  So if I sometimes feel like part of the wallpaper and I want to get upset with my husband or the kids, maybe I should take a look at the wallpaper.  Maybe the wallpaper is feeling blah lately and isn't much fun to be around.  Maybe the wallpaper needs a day at the spa for a haircut and a sprucing up.  Should Levi and the kids appreciate the wallpaper?  You bet your tush, they should! But maybe the wallpaper should make sure that it looks nice and is attitude free.  Maybe I should make sure that I am not "blending in" with the surroundings and am engaging.  I don't want to be annoying and needing constant attention, I just do not want to be overlooked.

 

So instead of becoming a part of the "wallpaper" around my house, I am going to try to stand out a bit:)

 

               

All photos are by Emma Hack...you can see her work at emmahackartist.com.au

Where in the World is Bea?

In our new house...Yipee!!!!

 

 

 

 

And just in time for my 100th post!  We are settling in and making our new place a home.  We only have a few boxes left to unpack and are looking forward to our new life here.  I will be registering the kids in school this week and school starts at the end of the month. 

 

 

I keep thinking about the last six months and feel like we just crossed the finish line after a grueling and long race.  We are both feeling the after effects of being past a stressful situation.  Isn't it weird how sometimes you feel it after the event or period is over?  We are both very tired, but very excited and hopeful.  Well, Levi and I are.  The kids are nervous and sad but I think they will be fine once school starts and our new street has a ton of kids on it.  If I can get them off of the bad video game habit we have gotten in during the move!!  We are all enjoying Levi's much shorter commute and him being home in time for dinner. 

 

 

Now we can relax and enjoy the end of summer...until the next race begins:)