It'll Hurt if I Swallow

March is almost over and I have not sent out any questions to my fellow bloggers for Q and A month.  I have been thinking long and hard about what I wanted to ask and I have so many questions that I had to sort of narrow it down.  I almost let March pass me by, I thought so long. 

It has been 6 months (5 for the blog) since I began this journey to surrender, defer, red pill in reverse, ttwd, fulfill traditional roles, let go of control, whatever you want to call it and I am reminded of that commercial that used to be on tv when I was growing up for Chloraseptic:

 

It does sting a bit to swallow this information that I am taking in.  Sometimes I would like to regurgitate it and just go back to the way things were.  I certainly felt hurt less.  It is not always pleasant, but I can already see a difference in myself and my marriage.  No pain, no gain as it were.  I have a problem though...I don't feel like Levi is all that keen on swallowing much of anything.  Sure, he likes what I have been doing and I do see growth in a few areas. 

 

I rarely pick up the "pants" and usually only when I have to because he is unavailable...the whole first officer taking the bridge while the Captain is doing whatever it is that they do.  It is getting easier to hand them back, but I still find that they lay there a lot.  I find that I wish that he was taking this leadership role more seriously? or is it that I expected him to be able to fulfill the role faster?  I don't know, maybe I am still trying to control things, but here is my question (and I would really appreciate if you ladies would ask your men as well as they may be better equipped with helping with the male ego):

 



(Let me clarify for any red pill folks reading this: I have read the book...Levi has not.  I have explained the gist of it and he knows it is available but he has not opted to read it)

Is there anything that I can do to help my husband be a better leader? or want to lead? or help him to understand that I need it?

Let me explain a little more.  Now that I defer to him and have "surrendered" I need his leadership more than when I just controlled and did everything.  I need to know that he is equally vested, that he wants this role and is acting in our best interests.  Am I not giving him enough time to adjust?  Am I expecting too much?  I can't exactly walk up to him and say...Can you lead more?

Here are some things that I have put in practice:

Moved Levi to the head of the table
Let Levi drive (I always used to drive...cause I love driving)
Greet him at the door at night
Kiss him goodbye in the morning
Never say no to sex
Stay quiet when the kids ask something to allow Levi a chance to answer them
Dress up at least a few times a week with makeup/skirt or dress
Ask him what he thinks about things before I just do them
When he shares an idea I say whatever you think (unless I have a serious objection)
I write in a notebook if I need to share serious things with him so that I have time to think about what I will say

I wish he would take more interest in our relationship.  I feel like I have done everything that I can do. But maybe I am missing something.  I find that it does take him time to adjust to things because he likes to think a long time about them.  I can feel my resentment growing though and I truly believe that resentment can be poisonous to a relationship.  If you have any thoughts, I would appreciate it...be honest...I can't grow without a little growing pains.

Great Expectations

The past week has been kind of rough around here.  My feelings have been hurt several times this week because I have not met Levi's expectations.  Expectations sure can get us in trouble.  Sometimes they are unrealistic.  When they go unmet, we are disappointed.  When they are unexpressed, then the likelihood that they will go unmet is pretty high.  If we have expectations, then they need to be communicated. Levi is a man of few words and I, unfortunately, cannot read minds. 

 



 

 

I am trying to understand my husband's very analytical brain...

 

stay at home mom = >24 hours in a day

 

expectations thought = wife knows expectations

 

Here is what I am thinking....

 

working really hard = not good enough and not appreciated

 

husband's expectations = unattainable = why bother? = beyond frustrated

 

Where does this leave us?  Well, at first I was hurt and then I got angry and then we didn't resolve much.  I tried to explain that if he expected something then it would help if I knew about it.  I don't mind him having expectations.  That isn't the issue.  We all have expectations.

 

He has to tell me what they are.

 

Here is where I am hoping we can get to...

 

wife is informed of expectations = wife is able to meet expectations or explains why expectations were unmet or unrealistic = no hurt feelings and less stress

 

husband is informed of expectations = husband is able to meet expectations or explains why expectations were unmet or unrealistic = no hurt feelings and less stress

 

Dear Lord above...if it was only this easy.

 

Why is it so difficult for us to tell each other what we need, want, or are upset about?  I can't seem to get him to talk to me.  And I do have difficulty speaking to him.  Is there like a Communication 101 course out there or should I start to work towards my degree in Mind Reading...

 



 

 

 





An Answer for Cat

On my Q and A for March post, Cat asked a difficult question.  The thing is the answer wasn't difficult to come to, but it was difficult to take.  I knew that she wanted Levi's answer too and knew that he would come to the answer easily as well, which wasn't easy to take either.  So instead of having a super long comment in my Q and A...I have answered it here.

Ok Bea...here's my question and I would really love to hear your answer and Levi's answer:

Do you think that if you had known about it when you were first married, you could have successfully incorporated TTWD into your marriage?
So I wrote this:

Hmmmm...I might need clarification on this one...we don't do TTWD or I guess we have our own version (I like to call it That thing without discipline:)), I suppose we are trying to practice more traditional roles? I began reading these blogs because their marriages had the things I wanted...communication, strong male leadership, strong, educated women who defer to their husbands, intimacy, closeness, etc. So can I rephrase the question to him as what we are doing now? Or did you know and wanted to know if we would have considered it then?
Hugs,
Bea

So she clarified for me:

Hey Bea...If you are trying to practice more traditional roles, you are doing TTWD...modified to suit your marriage! :D My question is basically...if you had read these blogs when you were first married, could you have successfully incorporated the changes you are making now into your new marriage. Does that make more sense?

My answer...

If I had come across these blogs when we were first married I would have thought you were all crazy, needed psychological assistance for your abusive relationships, and prayed for you.  I would have gone on and on about how your men must be horrible tyrants and that I worried for your safety.  I would not have been able to see it for what it is and what I see it is now. 

Now I see these relationships as couples that are willing to try anything to restore the intimacy that marriage should abound with, relationships with strong and gentle male leadership, strong women willing to do the very difficult task of deferring to their husbands, and relationships with healthy communication.  Are they always easy? No. And I see very brave people willing to share their darkest fears, willing to change their worst traits and share the struggles they have within themselves.  I see people willing to share their struggles in order to not only put their thoughts down to understand better themselves, but are also willing to help others and pull others up.

I read a lot of blogs when I first started thinking that I may not be doing things the way that I should.  When I first read here in this lovely community, I was a little shocked, a little apprehensive, but I read the lovely comments posted by all of you lovely people and I just knew this is where I could grow.  Thank you for helping Levi and I to grow our marriage plant...for being our water when we are dry, or sun when things are dark, the nutrients that enrich our soil. 

Levi's answer...(after I explained that Cat was indeed asking about our version of things)

There is no way that you would have been ok with this.

You are right, I think...Would you have wanted it, though?

Yes.

(And he hugged me tight and we feel asleep)

Strange Things are Afoot

Strange things are afoot at my house.  I have noticed something very odd since starting to let go of some of this unhealthy control.  My signature has changed.  Weird!  So before my signature looked like it had been written by a handwriting teacher.  Absolutely perfect.  For the life of me I could not make it all swirly and pretty like other people.  Well, in the last few months my signature has changed from A+ handwriting/cursive from 3rd grade, to swirly, pretty, and adult-like.  I have no idea why, but it is...Excellent:)

I answered a few questions on my Q and A, so if you have any more...let me know:)

Q and A

I hear that March is Question and Answer time here in blogland.  I can't imagine what questions you might have for me because if you read my blog, I don't leave out much detail. So I asked Levi if he would mind answering some questions.  Here is how our conversation went:

Hey honey, would you be up for some Q and A on my blog?

(this was said while my head was half in a cabinet, so he heard something completely different)

Tits and Ass!  (said in a shocked voice with a look of are you crazy!)

Babe, (said while trying not to laugh out loud) Q and A...questions and answers.

Oh. It depends on the question.

So there you have it...He might answer your questions...he might not.  If you do have any for me, I will surely try to answer them...and no, there will be no T and A on my blog:) (so sorry to disappoint anyone)

A Day in the Life

I apologize that I haven't been around to visit or reply to my blog friends lately...I am still here, although I am about to fall over from exhaustion.  In a two week time period I have been to 4 kid birthday parties (two of which I planned), a baby shower, a wedding, and a funeral.  I was out of town for four days last week and have had guests all week this week.  So please forgive me...I will catch up with everyone soon.

Before I share my A Day in the Life, I would like to issue a warning and a disclaimer. 

Disclaimer first: I am not attempting to start a stay at home versus working mom thing.  I have done both.  They are BOTH difficult.  I think you have to do what is right for your family, so please understand that that is not what this is about.  Please remember this in your comments also.  Everyone has the difficult decision of what to do for their own families and I want everyone to feel loved here.  I never have understood why this subject always gets people going when we should support each other in parenting.

Ok...so here is the warning.  You are walking along and you come across someone you haven't seen in a while.  You exchange pleasantries and inevitably the subject of what you do for a living comes up. So, she tells you that she is a stay at home mom to three wonderful children.  So you talk a little longer, share what you do and before the conversation ends you ask her the question that is often asked...

"So you stay home, I don't think I could do that, I would be so bored...I mean, What do you do all day?"

I often am at a loss as to what to say to this question.  And you would be surprised how often it is asked.  The question typically comes from someone who is either single, married with no kids, or married with one child.  Is it an innocent question? Are they jealous cause they think I must get to do whatever I want all day?  Are they just being mean or are hugely naive? I will say that a man has never asked me this question.  Levi may ask me what I did or how my day was, but he has never phrased it this way.  Smart man.

So where is the warning?  Here it is:

FOR YOUR PERSONAL SAFETY...

DO NOT ASK THIS QUESTION!

Here is my typical response to this question: Cute Smirk..."Haha, well you know I do have cable and bon bons" said with a mysterious laugh.  Or "Well, I do go work out...gotta work off those bon bons..hehe" etc.  Usually followed with a more serious answer of, "I get to volunteer a lot with my kids' schools and activities, play with my three year old who is still at home, and take care of the house and shopping for the family."  What is the response I get? "Oh...well, it was great seeing you...blah, blah, blah."  Apparently I must not have anything to conversate about since I must not have a brain for my chosen occupation. (note sarcasm)

One day....I am going to $@&^* slap someone, or maybe make my head go in circles like the exorcist chick, go all ape #$%, just stare blankly at them and walk away, or make up some ridiculous lie about how hard it is to grow hemp in my garage.  Deep breaths...seriously...I think I will print this out and give it to them.

A Day in the Life

7:30 Rise from slumber to raucous laughter in the living room accompanied by a small crash.  After ascertaining that everything is okee dokee and that all 7 children currently in sleeping bags across the living room floor are indeed awake...I shuffle off to the kitchen to make breakfast.  Before you say anything about the late hour...keep in mind it is Spring Break, and I stayed up supervising a birthday sleep over until 12:00 am.  I make coffee first...because really, I can't do this without coffee.  And then pull out the inner waitress and ask..."Waffles or cereal?"  3 waffles, 4 cereal, and coffee (for me). 
8:30 Children are fed, dressed, sleeping bags are rolled up, dirty clothes are stuffed back into bags, dishwasher has been started and the wild animals are playing in the backyard.  2nd cup of coffee. Check email, blogger, gmail, facebook...five minutes tops...screaming from the yard. 
"Can I get the ball...it went over the fence?" 
"Yes"
"She said we can go"
Uh...no "One...you, (pointing at oldest)...go get the ball."
A chorus of "Ah man's" follow. 
Wash wine glasses and slice open finger on wine glass that you did not realize was broken.  Standing with hand under running water, bleeding profusely...kid three enters:
"I gotta go potty!"
"Then, go".
Kid two enters:
"Mom, the ball again."
"Send "oldest" to get it and get me the first aid kit"
"Why?" 
Kid two is given the look, as he often likes to ask why instead of doing what he is told to, and I point to the bleeding finger he realizes that he better get me the first aid kit before he gets in some serious trouble.
10:00 Finger doctored, kitchen counters and dishes cleaned, ball retrieved from over fence five times, toys picked up, washing machine started, four children picked up, three left behind...not five minutes...I'm bored.
11:00 Game played, kids busy playing, project of the day begins: Spring Clean Master Bathroom.  Remember we are getting ready to sell the house so I am going through everything and tossing stuff and packing stuff for a garage sale as well as making sure the house is ready to sell.  Polish Hollywood light in the near dark (so that I can maintain my retinas)...turn on the light...realize it is covered in streaks...turn off light...buff...turn on light...etc. etc.
"Mom!!!!!!!!" 
Seriously..."What!!!!!!" 
"Come quick"
Child one pointing excitedly at video game...look at this!
"Awesome!" (said with mild enthusiasm) "Honey, I am trying to get the bathroom cleaned...I promise I will play with you and kid 2 in a little while. Try not to call me unless it is an emergency and what is an emergency?"
Said like he has said it many times before with eye roll: "Someone is hurt, or about to be hurt, or someone is about to break something"
12:00 Light finished, mirror cleaned, sink and counter cleaned and only interrupted 4 times, mind you once it was to reapply a band aid to my finger since I realized half way through wiping off the counter that I was in excruciating pain, because apparently oxyclean on an open wound is not a good idea and I am bleeding all over the clean counter.  On a positive note...my wound is very clean but now stings like....well, you know. Lunch.
1:00 Movie started, lawn man paid, cabinets emptied and wiped down...
"Mom, can I help?" said by child 3 who let me tell you is no help.
Sigh..."Sure honey.  Hand me that stuff and I will put it back in here."
"No, I want to do this." Said while holding up bottle of cleaner with the nozzle pointed at my face.  This, for those of you who do not have the privilege of having a three year old is a delicate situation.  One that could end badly for me...I gently and calmly handle the situation and return the bottle to a high location and turn to find that the child has climbed into the cabinet.
"Look Mommy!" said with glee.
2:00 Washing machine started again. Wood cabinets polished, Shower scrubbed, Toilet scrubbed, Linen closet culled and organized, all with my left hand because using my gashed right pinkie with cleaners hurts like a, well, you know. Arguments refereed, toys picked up, game found, crisis averted.
3:00 Kid 3 again...
"Mom, play dollhouse with me."
"Honey, give mommy five minutes, I just have to mop."
"I want to mop!!!"
Bathroom mopped with the "help" of three year old.  Dollhouse played.
4:00 Clean up time. Kid 1 put in charge for mommy's five minute shower. Children survive and I even accomplished some much needed ladyscaping.  Kids outdoors to play again.  Clean, although I didn't really have time for make up, in a dress, with matching red and black panties and bra underneath, seated on the couch with a snack, drink, and the remote.  Ahhhhh....a girl can relax......
"Mom!!!" Kid three followed closely by kids two and one...
argument explained,
snack noticed,
argument forgotten...
snack retrieved for kids 1, 2, and 3. 
Seated again...with snack...HGTV...ahhhhh....dog throws up on the carpet.
5:00 Mess cleaned, snack eaten, laundry changed out, whooped some rear end on a video game with the oldest two. Dinner started and wine poured.
6:30 Dinner and Clean up
7:30 Levi arrives, plate made, wine poured, showers and baths begin.
9:00 Bedtime for the children.....Can I get an Amen!
9:30 Talk time with Levi. Hot Sex.
10:30 Run to the bathroom before bed and contemplate just sleeping in my nice clean bathroom....
Ahhh...hmmm...wonder what I should do tomorrow.  Good night clean bathroom:)


Does this happen every day? No, sometimes I don't finish anything.  I suppose that one could say that all I did was clean a bathroom, but if one wants to live I wouldn't suggest it.  I spent time with my children, accomplished my project for the day, taught some lessons in patience, and had hot sex with my husband.  I will call that a good day.  I will have to be a little honest with you. I truly did think that my house would be absolutely perfect, that I would have time to do crafts and activities with my kids all the time and make four course meals every night for dinner. That isn't exactly how it works. I will also say that Levi and I chose this for our family. I probably will not stay home forever, not that I think that I have to go back to a paying job, but that I will want to. 

I am not trying to say that my day is horrible and complain and oh, whoa is me...remember I choose to do this, but don't make it sound like I do nothing or maybe just need to "manage my time" better or I might just pull out a can of whoop ass.

Life and Death

I am still here.  My family member that I told you about that was diagnosed with a terminal illness a little while ago is not.  I have been out of town helping family and attending funeral services.  From being diagnosed to passing away, only a month has passed.  I suppose we should be happy that the suffering was minimal.  Better to be short than drag on for months, but it doesn't make it any easier when you think about the fact that they were fine the last time you saw them.  Whenever someone passes so quickly you hope that they know how very much you loved them, and you make sure that those that are left behind are taken care of and know your love as well.

Loss of a loved one is always a reminder of how precious life is and how we are not promised a long life on this earth.  When I think of the possibility of being taken from my family it reminds me of all the preparations, wishes, and plans that should be made and known.  No one likes to think of their own mortality, but one should always be prepared to leave their family with the least amount of upheaval.  Here are a list of things that everyone should have and they should be kept in one place:

 

Will: If you do not have one...especially if you have children...you need to get one NOW!  You want to make the unfortunate transition as easy as possible for your loved ones.  You do not want people arguing over your money, your children, and your other assets.  You also don't want your family to have to deal with the uncertainty of your wishes.  At most, they cost a few hundred dollars.  At least, you can get a simple one over the internet.  Consider adding a power of attorney.

Life Insurance Policies: Cheapest peace of mind that you can purchase for your family.  Most companies provide a small policy to cover funeral costs.  We have a policy that would allow me to take some time with the children before going back to work if I were to lose Levi, a policy that would more than cover childcare if he were to lose me, and a small policy on each of our children for $35 per month.  Keep in mind that you cannot collect on life insurance until you receive a death certificate which can take a couple of months.  Make sure you have an emergency fund.

Your Wishes: Make sure that your loved ones know your wishes.  Sure no one likes to talk about it, but it will help your family to know that they are giving you what you wanted.  Cremation, Burial, Open Casket, Closed, Church Service/Visitation etc. etc.  If your family knows what you want, then they are not having to make so many decisions while in grief.  Put it in writing if you want and place it with these important documents.  If you want to be buried...buy a plot. 

Access:  Not only will your loved ones need access to your assets but they will also need to know your passwords to everything from facebook to your bank account.  It is amazing how quickly medical costs can pile up.  You want your family to be able to pay for these bills and not be hounded by collectors.  You want them to be able to cancel memberships, etc. with ease.  Review this list yearly as passwords/memberships change.

It is a shame that the death of a loved one is often what reminds us what is truly important in life.  It is also a shame that it doesn't take long to get busy again and forget.  If I were to ask you what was most important to you, I bet it isn't a what at all, but several whos.

If I were to ask you what experiences have been your favorite, I bet it involves spending them with those you love.  Sure, we have to work and we have to scrub the toilet and other things that may not be fun, but when was the last time you called a family member to say hello, or had lunch with a friend, taken your spouse or your kids on vacation?  Do you have a bucket list?  I am sure that mine will change with time and age, but here are just a few things on mine:

1. Raise loving, happy, faithful children
2. Make sure my spouse never doubts my love
3. Take the kids to the Grand Canyon
4. Drink Wine in Italy after standing in the Colosseum
5. Visit all 50 states
6. Take the family to Disneyworld...again
7. Walk green fields in Ireland and enjoy a beer in a pub
8. Climb a mountain
9. Hike all the trails in the area I live
10. Parasail, ski, skydive, cliff dive, and any number of other wild craziness

What is on your bucket list?


 

Well ain't that a Pickle

Yesterday I got a text...a sweet text.  Makes a girl wonder if maybe someone is secret spying and is actually reading my blog.  But no, I don't think he is.  I got some very good advice yesterday from some very lovely blogger friends. See here.

I ignored it.  Don't throw things at me...I know what I should have done, but I just didn't do it.  I did thank him for my sweet text and told him how much it meant to me.  He seemed pleased and proud.  And that was pretty much the extent to our conversational skills that we practiced yesterday.

This morning he asked if everything was alright and it hit me.  I get upset when he is distancing and that is EXACTLY what I was doing.  GOSH DOGGIT...

WELL AIN'T THAT A PICKLE.