The past week has been kind of rough around here. My feelings have been hurt several times this week because I have not met Levi's expectations. Expectations sure can get us in trouble. Sometimes they are unrealistic. When they go unmet, we are disappointed. When they are unexpressed, then the likelihood that they will go unmet is pretty high. If we have expectations, then they need to be communicated. Levi is a man of few words and I, unfortunately, cannot read minds.
I am trying to understand my husband's very analytical brain...
stay at home mom = >24 hours in a day
expectations thought = wife knows expectations
Here is what I am thinking....
working really hard = not good enough and not appreciated
husband's expectations = unattainable = why bother? = beyond frustrated
Where does this leave us? Well, at first I was hurt and then I got angry and then we didn't resolve much. I tried to explain that if he expected something then it would help if I knew about it. I don't mind him having expectations. That isn't the issue. We all have expectations.
He has to tell me what they are.
Here is where I am hoping we can get to...
wife is informed of expectations = wife is able to meet expectations or explains why expectations were unmet or unrealistic = no hurt feelings and less stress
husband is informed of expectations = husband is able to meet expectations or explains why expectations were unmet or unrealistic = no hurt feelings and less stress
Dear Lord above...if it was only this easy.
Why is it so difficult for us to tell each other what we need, want, or are upset about? I can't seem to get him to talk to me. And I do have difficulty speaking to him. Is there like a Communication 101 course out there or should I start to work towards my degree in Mind Reading...
The question is WHY as humans do we all do this? Okay most of us.
ReplyDeleteI suppose for some it isn't expectations as it is desire. Desire seems harder to express. Mind you the word expectation puts the onus on the other person doesn't it? Desire is internal...sorry still jet lagged and rambling. Not helpful is it? lol
So it is what you desire or expect? or is there even a difference in your mind? or does it matter? Okay...going to bed now
Love ya and missed ya!
willie
I suppose it is things that he wishes I would have done, but I didn't do cause I was doing something else. And he didn't notice the things I did do but the thing I didn't do and he never told me that he wanted those things done. So I suppose it is his desire that I do something but he doesn't want to or won't tell me what it is. It is enough to drive a woman crazy.
DeleteLove you too!
Bea
oh dearie, i don't have any words of wisdom. if talking wont work what about texting? or emails? or letters?
ReplyDeletei'm just lucky i've always been a talker and have always told the people i date that if they can't talk and communicate with me i'll shut down. it has happend once or twice - very abrupt endings because i just cant seem to communicate with them. the rest have gotten the hang of communication. and i'm thankful bikss is learning to (and is good at)talk to me about things that are going on in his head.
or a journal - where you write and he replies in it, like a message book.
i guess some people find it hard to verbally express what's going on inside them...
good luck.
I typically don't have too much trouble talking, although I am working on how I say things...I have tried the journal thing and he reads it, but doesn't write back...very annoying. He is getting better at sending a random text here or there, but most of the time I get crickets...so frustrating.
DeleteThanks,
Bea
Hi Bea, you are so right. Expectations need to be communicated and are also a two way street. We both have certain expectations of each other.
ReplyDeleteCommunication is so vital to any relationship and particularly a ttwd relationship. The only thing I can suggest is tell him you would like to talk to him when you can find a quiet time with no distractions and then calmly tell him how you feel. If you choose your words carefully and talk about how YOU feel - don't make it about what he is or isn't doing, hopefully the conversation will go well.
Hugs,
Roz
Yeah, I probably didn't handle the talking too well this week...the first time we had a misunderstanding I cried and then when I finally got to the angry part then I spouted out "How am I supposed to know if you don't tell me...I can't read your mind" in a not so respectful way. Oh well...always a work in progress, right?
DeleteBea
It's difficult Bea. I've entered a stage where I just dissolve into tears every time we start misunderstanding each other. It's no fun and it makes him extra sensitive about what he says...which can actually put a damper on communicating in the first place.
ReplyDeleteYou are trying. He is too...and there is a whole lot to be said for mutual trying.
It is just like that around here too and then I feel guilty for even bringing anything up, but if I don't then I feel resentful...Ugh...wish it wasn't so complicated.
DeleteBea
Just keep trying and one day you will realize that all that hard work has paid off and you are communicating. Don't, however, expect that to be the last time this will happen. It is a continual journey but gets easier over time.
ReplyDeleteI am so ready for the easier part!
DeleteBea
I sometimes wish I could read my husband's mind and that he could read mine...I completely understand what you are saying and have certainly experienced this in my own relationship...I like what Sunny said about it being a continual journey...
ReplyDeleteIt sure would make things easier!!
DeleteBea
Hi Bea :)
ReplyDeleteRyan and I have always been horrible communicators when it came to one another. When we first started this journey we had a horrible pattern that would develop b/c I had certain expectations that he had no idea about.....or he thought it would be nice if I _____ but never told me WHAT that was. I would get hurt/angry/sad and he would shut down :( It was a horrid little ride to be on.....
What has worked best for us.....heck the ONLY thing that has consistently kept us afloat.....is to have our weekly meeting. As dumb as it sounds....it keeps us (mostly) in sync with each other. We talk about our relationship and also just about what things we want to accomplish for the week. That way we both have something concrete that we can rely on.
I have found if I have an issue come up during the week, the best thing for me to do is send him an email. In the heat of the moment I may get a little snarky and that is never a good idea. Via email I can think things out and express what I need or what I am confused about.
Hang in there....it is clear you both are trying....and as Susie said....that means an awful lot :)
Did you bring up the weekly meeting or did he? I really wish Levi would bring it up...maybe I am just being difficult but I would feel more like he is leading if he brought up some of these things and not me.
DeleteI have to be careful with email...it is a work email, but I do try to use the notebook sometimes...it is mostly one sided there.
We have a long time to work on it, I suppose!
Bea
i'm going to go out on a limb and assume hubster is an INTJ.
ReplyDeleteI had to go look at the description again, but I would say that is fairly accurate...perfectionist, self-critical, prefers small groups or to be alone, doesn't talk much, etc. I love him dearly, but sometimes...ugh! He might have parts of the Engineer one too..INTP.
Delete