It has been 6 months (5 for the blog) since I began this journey to surrender, defer, red pill in reverse, ttwd, fulfill traditional roles, let go of control, whatever you want to call it and I am reminded of that commercial that used to be on tv when I was growing up for Chloraseptic:
It does sting a bit to swallow this information that I am taking in. Sometimes I would like to regurgitate it and just go back to the way things were. I certainly felt hurt less. It is not always pleasant, but I can already see a difference in myself and my marriage. No pain, no gain as it were. I have a problem though...I don't feel like Levi is all that keen on swallowing much of anything. Sure, he likes what I have been doing and I do see growth in a few areas.
I rarely pick up the "pants" and usually only when I have to because he is unavailable...the whole first officer taking the bridge while the Captain is doing whatever it is that they do. It is getting easier to hand them back, but I still find that they lay there a lot. I find that I wish that he was taking this leadership role more seriously? or is it that I expected him to be able to fulfill the role faster? I don't know, maybe I am still trying to control things, but here is my question (and I would really appreciate if you ladies would ask your men as well as they may be better equipped with helping with the male ego):
(Let me clarify for any red pill folks reading this: I have read the book...Levi has not. I have explained the gist of it and he knows it is available but he has not opted to read it)Is there anything that I can do to help my husband be a better leader? or want to lead? or help him to understand that I need it?
Let me explain a little more. Now that I defer to him and have "surrendered" I need his leadership more than when I just controlled and did everything. I need to know that he is equally vested, that he wants this role and is acting in our best interests. Am I not giving him enough time to adjust? Am I expecting too much? I can't exactly walk up to him and say...Can you lead more?
Here are some things that I have put in practice:
Moved Levi to the head of the table
Let Levi drive (I always used to drive...cause I love driving)
Greet him at the door at night
Kiss him goodbye in the morning
Never say no to sex
Stay quiet when the kids ask something to allow Levi a chance to answer them
Dress up at least a few times a week with makeup/skirt or dress
Ask him what he thinks about things before I just do them
When he shares an idea I say whatever you think (unless I have a serious objection)
I write in a notebook if I need to share serious things with him so that I have time to think about what I will say
I wish he would take more interest in our relationship. I feel like I have done everything that I can do. But maybe I am missing something. I find that it does take him time to adjust to things because he likes to think a long time about them. I can feel my resentment growing though and I truly believe that resentment can be poisonous to a relationship. If you have any thoughts, I would appreciate it...be honest...I can't grow without a little growing pains.
Just keep keepin on. Do you feel good about the things you are doing? If so be content with that for the interim and keep adding little things. You are doing this for a better marriage and even if he never steps up the way you would like, it's already better because of your changes. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteIt makes perfect sense and I suppose I know this but sometimes I feel very selfish and wish that he would work as hard as I am when I should be focusing on the only person I can change...me.
DeleteBea
For myself, it has been a long slow journey, but I can see how much closer we are. We were always content...now we are happy...of course sometimes we will regress...sometimes, my needs are not met...sometimes, my husband goes back to old habits...sometimes I am impatient...sometimes I start to build up walls and have to remind myself to communicate and enjoy the process without expectations. But still we have grown. Now I can appreciate all the little changes and growth which have added to our marriage in a positive way. Is there room for more growth? Of course. Will it sometimes be difficult? or sometimes seem like we are standing still? Yes. But we are still growing together even when we don't always see it. Will I sometimes still worry because I am the one who always seems the one to be working on the relationship? Yes, there will be those days too. Can I try not to expect and only hope and let go of control so my husband can lead? Yes, I will try. Will I fail sometimes? Probably? Will he fail sometimes? Probably. But at the end of the day is it worth still working and trying and growing...? Yes, it is because I love him and he loves me. And, I am sure you two will get there and grow each other too because I can feel the love you have for each other. Sorry for rambling on...hope you find it somehow comforting... Hugs, Terps
ReplyDeleteYou aren't rambling:) and it is comforting! Thank you so much Terpsichore for your kind words!
DeleteAllow me to offer some wisdom from around blogland, Hopefully he's willing to read them for you. Some of them are written from the female perspective and what submitting means to them, and some are from the HoH perspective. I hope you find them helpful:
ReplyDeleteRelinquishing Control - Grace
Letter to an HoH
It Feels Like Respect - the TIH Blog
Why Does He Get to Tell Me What to Do? - 49
Submission from an HoH POV - Ward
What I Get Out of It - Ward
(((hugs)))
Daddy says you are doing some very good things. But you need to stop expecting and start talking to him. He says it IS okay to ask him to lead more. Go out of your way to communication and make sure he understands what you need.
Delete(((hugs)))
Thank you for sharing these and I hope He is willing to read them. How can I ask him to lead more in a respectful manner. My dear Levi is a bit of a perfectionist and takes things very personally...I want him to feel respected.
DeleteI don't have a lot to offer in addition to what Terps said above, and June can give you both perspectives to that is always useful.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when you think you are moving so slowly you think you are at a standstill, you suddenly bounce forward several paces. Then sometimes when you think you are moving forwards and you are okay, you fall back a bit. It's normal and my best advice is not to try to force it. Just relax into it - even if that is difficult to do.
Have a wonderful Easter!
Hugs
Ami
Ami, thank you so much for your wise words...apparently patience is not my strong suit:) I think I need to learn meditation or something :)
DeleteBea,
ReplyDeleteIf I was asked to pick one person from blogland who went about this new way of life with as much sincerity, honesty and true desire to be respectful of her husband I would pick you. You really have put a ton of effort into this. I'm not sure what to suggest. I know that the busyness of your lives have both of you a bit wrung out without enough daylight hours together. I know that the stress that goes with that can really upset the ability to communicate well...the kind of communication where he sees what you are trying to do and takes action.
One thing that I have learned to do (and it is admittedly painful) is to go to my husband when I am feeling resentful and to tell him. It's always an awful, mind-bending conversation b/c it usually starts with him feeling pretty clueless and ends with him feeling really down b/c of his lack of attention. I want to protect him from all of that...which he then tells me is not my job. But like you said, when resentment is allowed to take hold, it turns into bitterness. Once he knows I'm truly struggling, he does find the energy to give me more of himself.
Susie, I wish that I could express to you how very much this means to me. And you are right...I don't want to make him feel badly and hold things in...but that means my needs are not being met and the resentment grows, but if I don't tell him then it really isn't his fault, is it? We do have a ridiculous amount of "stuff" that is keeping us so busy and not together. It will be better soon. Thank you for your encouragement!
DeleteLove,
Bea
From the subs point of view. I had to learn to let go of the 'idea' of, when, why he should lead us and in the ways he showed his dominance. My DH takes a long time to think about things part of his take charge reluctance was proof from me that i truly wanted it this way. Plus he was afraid that once he did step up and fully take the reigns I would start to find reasons to resent his leadership and correction. I had to get a grip on my submission first and then once he seen I was serious he started taking more control but it had to be at his pace, not mine.
ReplyDeleteYou are right...I am expecting him to act so differently when for years I was not in the right mindset and would have reacted poorly to any attempts at dominance. Thanks for reminding me to be patient:)
Delete