Where you go, I'll go

When I became determined to follow my husband's lead, I expected him to jump at the chance.  I expected an enthusiastic...Finally!...to escape from his lips and for him to immediately take up those "pants" and run with them and I had my running shoes on, ready to go.

Well that isn't exactly how it has happened.

I was there with my running shoes on, stretched out, feet on the starting blocks and ready to follow wherever he might lead us and then...

nothing happened...hello, all the blood is rushing to my head over here!

At first, I thought, okay, I'll give him a little time...after all, I stole those "pants" and he hasn't had them on in a while...maybe ever.  Give the man a break, right?

So, I shook out my muscles, after all, I was getting leg cramps in the starting blocks...

I tapped my fingers on my thighs trying to contain the energy...

tapped my toes...ran in place a little...

put my flip flops on as it was obvious we wouldn't be running anywhere soon...

And I might have thrown the running shoes across the track in a fit of metaphorical temper...

became frustrated...

stewed...

have I mentioned I am not a patient person...

Then I would slip up...he would try to lead and I would fall back on old habits...give my reasons why I thought my way would be better and he folded.

I would apologize and secretly kick myself for not giving him a chance.

So I would wait again...

determined to wait patiently THIS time...

twiddle thumbs...

Agh! would you just lead already!!

afraid it would never happen...

During this process I was told, in their own words, by three different male bloggers that have taken the lead in their marriages, that my husband will not lead just because I want him to.

At first, I was like, "Say what?  Doesn't every guy just want to lead and have his say?  I thought that was like a guy's dream come true or something?

God knows I am a stubborn woman and needed to hear this several times from several people over a period of months in order for it to sink in.

Now that I started this whole thing though, I don't want to give up.  I NEED him to lead now.  Not because I can't do it myself (I've been doing that for years), but because something happens when he does.

I like the person I become when my husband leads and I follow.

I feel softer, loved, less stressed, and a contentment I can't explain.

But those pants sit there a lot...

waiting for their owner...

waiting, waiting....

And then I realize something as I stare longingly on the pants...

I am focusing on the pants...

Um, the pants that aren't mine...

Oops.  Well crap! Focusing on those pants was really like I was still fighting for them.

I should be focusing on my own clothing.

So I put on my girl pants, skirt, shorts, whatever.

And focused on those...and a funny thing happened...I heard him.

My husband is a loving, extremely intelligent, funny, and a QUIET man.

I am...well...not quiet for sure!  But, when I started focusing on my own "clothing" choices instead of those darn pants that I thought Levi should put on...I heard him.

He is leading...quiet as a mouse at times...but leading.

So I started listening, and following, and that girl is back...the one I caught glimpses of.

The soft one, the content one...and weirdly enough I feel prettier, too.

We still aren't running anywhere...Levi's pace is more like a sedate mosey.

So I put on my flats and try to show him that I will go where he goes.  I will not leave him or abandon him to go it alone...and isn't that what we all need anyway...someone to do this life thing with.

I got your back babe.

Minimalism: Media

10 VHS tapes.   Yep, that is how this weeks project started.  I chose our media for this weeks attempts at realistic minimalism partly because my son asked me, "Hey mom, how was it that you used to watch movies when you were a kid...those big black things, right?"  I told him we had little ones too...(remember those Beta machines?)  Geez...nothing like your kid making you feel ancient to encourage you to get rid of some of your antiquities.  I will say though that the only VHSes we had left were in fact Disney and with the genius of that company, only allowing you to buy their videos when they are out of the "vault", I did not want to get rid of them at first, only to not be able to replace them for ten years.  Then I realized looking at them that the kids had not asked to watch any of those movies in years and yes, sadly, we do have a VHS player...it's one of those DVD/VHS combos.

I started making a pile of other movies the kids had not watched in forever and a couple of them that drive me absolutely batty!  Like those stupid Wonder Pets!  Oh my gosh there is this one on there where they help a puppy get outside the house so he can go potty and then they all have to go in the yard...the kids kept begging to act it out.  My attempts at convincing them that they were not a duck, turtle, or hamster fell on deaf ears.  Ugh, and that song...Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets, we're on our way!  I quickly hid that one at the bottom of the pile just in case the kids wander into the room and declare that I can't possibly get rid of that movie because it is their absolute favorite! (Note: they have not watched this movie in a couple of years, but that won't matter because as soon as I want to get rid of it, then it is their absolute favorite!)  Speaking of the potty, since my children are all potty trained then I can also get rid of this equally annoying Potty video!!!  Hallelujah, Amen!

I am able to get rid of a couple of movies of ours as well for a grand total of 18 movies!!  I even alphabetize ours, but not the kids as that would be ridiculously silly and short lived.  We actually don't have too many movies...my parents have an entire wall of movies that they probably never watch twice.  I remember as a kid going to Blockbuster and begging to be the one to stick the movies in the slot and choose a movie for this week's movie night.  Now we just see what is on On Demand from the comfort of our couch.  Not quite as exciting, but it at least saves gas.  I also remember to recycle all of the cardboard covers for the movies that have them...partly because Levi finds them extremely annoying and superfluous...also his view on pricey greeting cards, but I digress.  Pretty soon, we will just be buying digital copies of our movies and the BluRay will be a thing of the past and our children will be the ones feeling old...Ha!

I organized the few Xbox games that we have...can't get rid of anything in that pile.  I also organize the kids Leapster and DS games and throw out some directions that I am quite sure that we don't need anymore...like how to install batteries into your controller.  I find a couple of Leapster games to donate.  I attempt to organize the bane of my existence...the Skylander basket.  People complain often at the pain that occurs when you step on a rogue Lego or Barbie shoe...they have obviously never stepped on a Skylander.  My boys for a while there wanted to collect them ALL...darn brilliant companies that have figured out how to suck us dry. Because of course in your quest to have the kids save up and collect them themselves, they come out with a new Skylanders game with a new collection of figures to collect...and then if that wasn't bad enough, they do it again!!  Of course, they hardly ever play it as they are too interested in playing that cheap game with 80s graphics that has no end and no winner...Minecraft!  Levi told me a funny story from Cub Scout camping where all the kids knew what obsidian was...at least that silly game is teaching them something along with preparing for the zombie apocalypse...wondering what subliminal messages I can convince the creators to add in the next mod update.  Oh, how fickle are our children.

I cleaned out our random electronic drawer that holds a couple of extra remotes(remember when we didn't have one...now we have six, no matter how many times they swear they have made a "universal" remote...we still can't get less than three), little DMV video tapes from our old school video recorder, walkie talkies, Monster cleaner and a rag for cleaning the TV screen (remember when we could just use Windex?), and those two random things that we can't figure out what they go to so we can't git rid of them until we figure it out and we probably don't even have it anymore.  (deep breath...sorry for the run on)

I opened the cabinet with our remaining CDs and close it again as I decide that that may have to be a separate project.  We got rid of a bunch when we moved and we eventually want to save the rest on our computer and keep a very rare few for posterity.  I did pull out an old cheap 35mm camera that I used in college.  I guess I will donate it, but I can't imagine anyone wanting it...do they even sell film anymore?  This project is making me feel medieval.  Kind of like when my kids ask if they had cars in the 70s when I was born.  What are they teaching these kids in Social Studies?

I start to feel accomplished and then remember that we have a Wii in the play room...Gosh doggit.  I go through and find a couple of games to donate and wonder if I can get Levi to ditch the Guitar Hero...will have to ask him...when the kids aren't around as again...well, you know...hmm...maybe the getting rid of it incognito will work for him too...eh, better not.

Any real minimalist is probably now horrified at the amount of things we still own.  I think there is probably a healthy balance for us between this:

which has all the warmth of a hospital waiting room...and this:

which quite honestly just gives me the hibbie jibbies.  I got the kids to clean their rooms once by making them watch hoarders...questionable parenting practice, I know...but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Okay, so my house has never been quite as bad as the last pic, but it can get a bit cluttered which drives Levi crazy and if I am quite honest with myself stresses me out too.  So thanks for going on this journey with me to become at least a little more minimalist.  Although I sometimes wonder if having one of those shipping containers to live in would be a whole lot less to clean, I know that in reality I would feel claustrophobic and unhappy in that environment.  

kinda cute though, like your very own clubhouse

To each his own of course, and who knows maybe someday small spaces won't make me freak, but I doubt it.  But I do want to limit the "stuff" that we accumulate not only to kick the clutter to the curb, but to save money and be able to spend more time and energy on the things that are important.  Namely Levi and those little rugrats that make me feel old...and those things I want to do...hike, learn to salsa, travel, and all the other things I haven't thought of yet.  

By Royal Proclamation: Unplugged

We just got back from a relaxing few days on a free vacation.  Oh, those are the best kind, are they not?  We were invited to be families' guests at their timeshare on a lake nearby...for free.  Um, let me think, well, I don't know, ARE YOU SERIOUS?  Of course we said yes and helped with meals and such, but the rest of the stay and most things on site were free including free activities.

As we were getting ready for our trip, Levi made a royal proclamation.  The King says...No Kindles, no DSes, no computers, and phones for emergencies only (he did have to check in with work a couple of times...joys of being the boss).  Yikes!  I knew when he made his proclamation that it was a good one, but part of me was thinking of my sanity.  Selfish, I know, but sometimes I just need a little peace and quiet, and a house full of three kids does not lend itself to peace.  Sometimes, I will put on a movie, or TELL them to go play their video games.  Now before you rail on me, I don't do it all the time and the kids actually have screen time limits for summer and no video games during the week in the school year.

I got to thinking about our typical preparation for vacations.  Charge three Kindle Fires, two DSes, one Leapster, two phones, and one computer...for a weekend getaway.  That is a bit ridiculous.  Okay, I will admit to you that I wasn't exactly enthused about his decision, but stood behind it none the less.  I even stood behind him when he broke it to the kids...smart place to be.  They weren't too thrilled.  We did allow them to bring one movie each because we knew that we would get some rain.  We told them to bring some books and choose some board games.  This seemed to mollify them a bit and they know that once we make a decision then that is that, so they grumbled a bit, but it wasn't that bad.  I suppose since we watched a few movies and some soccer that we weren't 100% unplugged but we watched these things as a family so it was better than sending everyone off on their own devices.

When we arrived and put away our things, we headed off to bed, as it was late.  The next morning we enjoyed putt putt, swimming, and ice cream.  We played games, ate, watched a movie while it rained and then took a hike.  The next day we played tennis, swam, played on the playground, archery, shuffleboard, horseshoes, ate, played some more board games and watched a movie.  The last morning we played tennis again before packing up (they really liked that) and let the kids watch another movie as we cleaned up and got the cars packed. Three movies...I know, but we have three kids with very different tastes (Pirate Fairies and Clone Wars don't mix well) and we had PLENTY of active time in there.  I am pooped.

But a strange thing occurred and I did not realize it until we were on our way home.  NOT ONCE, not once did the kids ask for or complain about their lack of video games.  They even had an arcade there and other than a quick game of free air hockey (from someone who abandoned their game when the kids were checking the arcade out), they didn't ask for quarters or ask to hang out looking at all the games.  It was a pleasant shock to be sure.

This may be the start of a family tradition...VACATIONS...UNPLUGGED.

Here are a few pics:

Sunset over the lake.

Horseshoes...yes, we stink...note the horseshoe outside the wood to the left...yep, that was mine.

It was fun anyway.

Now archery is another story, this was one of mine...I rock, and I am humble too.  

Things got quite competitive on the range.

This is a little toad the kids discovered on the putt putt course.

Little things you wouldn't notice if you don't slow down!

I made my eight year old get my ball:)

Something about being truly present with the ones you love is really special.  

I hope you can UNPLUG AND PLUG IN with your family too!

Minimalism: Bathroom Cabinets

I am going to warn you now that this isn't nearly as entertaining as my delicates drawer, but I told you that I would share, so here it is:

This week I tackled the master bathroom cabinets, linen closet and medicine cabinet.  What is really sad about this is that I thought that I had pared down when we moved less than a year ago.  Apparently I was in a hurry, because I found things that should never have made the move!  I will also tell you guys that I am not going to be like these people who have two toiletries and a toothbrush...I am just not that good, so if you are a minimalist, you may be appalled at the number of things that I have kept.  I am taking baby steps people...on a scale where you have hoarders at one end and minimalists at the other...well, I want to be on the minimalist side of things but I'm still hanging near the middle.

I started with the medicines.  We have two big baskets, one for kids meds and one for ours.  I keep my everyday meds in the kitchen...thyroid, vitamin D, etc.  These are our cold meds, pain and stomach meds.  I keep them in the linen closet...our bathroom is quite large and we use the fan, so I don't have to worry too much about moisture.  Now, I know that I went through these meds last year, so I was surprised with some of my finds.  I had pain medicine from the birth of my daughter...4 and half years ago!  And a half dozen expired meds, including 4 Epi-pens, an inhaler, and (lowering head) vitamins I always forgot to take.  I am much better at taking my vitamins now as I have a little pill box...geez, I am getting old.   I organized our first aid container as the kids aren't very good at getting just ONE Bandaid out of the box and it was a bit of a mess.  Levi keeps his meds in the medicine cabinet along with razor refills, etc.  Um, his was much easier to organize as the man never has to take any medicine!  Makes me sick.  I think the only reason he needs insurance is for me and the kids.

I went through our travel section and threw out the little hotel bottles.  I won't use them, the kids can't use them and I usually just get the refillable bottles so that we can use our own stuff.  Levi grabs them every time we go anywhere.  I find that I have not one, but two spare glasses so the oldest is going to be donated at the eye doctor.  We have 5 little toothpaste kits free from the dentist with a little bag, toothpaste, toothbrush, and floss.  Levi and I use Sonicare so I am not sure why we have these still...I decide to keep two up in the guest bathroom for our guests who may forget, and donate the rest.  I rethink that and dismantle one for our travel stuff...I take the toothbrush and put it with cleaning supplies and the rest in our sample size travel gear.  I then take a couple of the sample shampoo/conditioner things out of the trash and put that in the guest bathroom too.

So I don't bore you with the rest of the experience I will sum up quickly: I got rid of curlers that I have had since HIGH SCHOOL (and I think that they were my mom's before that!).  I am about to celebrate my 20 year reunion people.  I am not even sure that they work as I probably haven't used them in 10 years.  I gave up trying to get my hair to hold curl a long time ago.  I got rid of 5 bottles of lotion and still have quite a few left!  How many bottles of lotion does one person need!  Why have we let the world convince us we need 10 different lotions for our body?...one for feet, one for hands, one for face, one for neck, one for firming, one for softening, one for massaging...etc. If I used all of them it would take an hour to lotion myself up and I would smell like a Bath and Body Works.   I found nail polish that was permanently crusted shut,  and 10 emery boards...I don't really file my nails...like ever.  I found sunscreen hiding from two years ago and Chapstick from who knows when, but it looks funny.  It is REALLY annoying when people don't put expiration dates on things! I got a permanent marker and wrote the date on things without so I will know next year how long it has been there.

Ugh, I need new makeup...mine is getting quite old and broken...I don't wear it everyday so it takes a while to use it up.  I am running out of everything at once...that is going to be a pricey trip.  Levi is going to have sticker shock and I don't even buy the ridiculously expensive stuff.  If it weren't for him, I wouldn't ever wear it, so hopefully he appreciates it.

I reorganized everything using the containers I already had.  I do want to get a container of some sort for the cotton balls, so they are still in their bag at the moment...I have heard the dollar store is good for that sort of thing, but I want to wait until I have been through the rest of the house...I may find something to use.  It doesn't have to be pretty in the closet.

I threw out three grocery sacks of trash!  I wonder if having all this space makes one subliminally want to fill it up.  I do solemnly swear to you all that I will not buy another bottle of lotion until I use them all up!  The cleaning part is the easy part...now I need to focus on not buying things I don't need!  No more Bath and Body Works sales for me:)

This is been more fun than I thought it would be and I keep going to stand in front of the linen closet with a goofy grin on my face.  Levi was very excited as he is the more organized of the two of us and rewarded me with a big sloppy kiss and a butt pat and boob squeeze...such a man.

His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: A Book Review

I have been taking the kiddos to the library lately and checked out a book called His Needs, Her Needs for Parents by Harley.  I had heard of His Needs, Her Needs:Building an Affair Proof Marriage in Sunday School.  I have never read the original book, but picked up this one in hopes of learning something new to apply to our marriage with very busy kiddos.

His Needs, Her needs is basically about the fact that all of us have very similar emotional needs in relationships but when men and women are asked to rate the importance of these needs they are very different.  Our priorities are completely different...in general, of course, as there are always exceptions.  According to Harley, women's highest needs include affection, conversation, family commitment, etc.  Men's highest needs include sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, and an attractive spouse, etc.  He describes everyone as having a love bank that your spouse is either making deposits or withdrawals in, due to their behavior or lack of fulfilling your needs.  He talks about love busters as being things that make withdrawals in our emotional bank accounts, such as disrespect, selfish demands, angry outbursts, etc. and therefore we make our spouse lose their love for us or become less lovable.  He also suggests something called the Policy of Joint Agreement where basically both you and your spouse are supposed to be enthusiastically in agreement before a decision can be made.  So that is a very brief description of His Needs, Her Needs and the for Parents version he does go over all of this again in a shortened way but then talks about what happens when you add kids to the mix.

I have some big problems with a lot of the things Harley talks about in the book.
1.  First of all, I am a statistics girl...He says that almost always, each gender lists these needs in a particular order.  How many people did he ask? What were the variations in answers? etc.  Maybe he goes over this in the original book, but I like my evidence not just someone making huge assumptions.  Plus I think that you should ask your spouse what is most important to them and not make assumptions yourself.
2.  I think that both you and your spouse coming to enthusiastic agreement on EVERY SINGLE DECISION is completely UNREALISTIC.
3.  He suggests that you spend quality time with your spouse in order to fulfill a wife's need for conversation and a husband's need for recreational companionship...okay, sounds good.  He suggests 15 HOURS!!  Then in order to make sure that you are being a good parent and fulfilling a wife's need for family commitment and a husband's need for domestic support you should spend another 15 HOURS as a family spending quality time together.  He had rules for this to: couple time is completely without kids and sex does not count.  Family time is focused quality time...pretty sure going to the movies together would not count.
4.  Also, he alludes to the dangers inherent in having a hobby that does not include your spouse.  You should not have a hobby that your spouse is not doing with you.  Quit all those hobbies that the other person doesn't like and choose all your interests together...What?  Say What?
5.  The Love Bank thing sounds good, but I think that I would be obsessing about making sure that I was making deposits so that Levi would continue to find me lovable...doesn't sound healthy to me.  Sounds codependent.
6.  He has a very cynical view of the possible success of blended families.  I have seen many blended families prosper...to be so negative is not helpful.

So what good came from reading the book...cause I always try to find something that I can use.
1.  It is very interesting to see how men and women think and feel differently.  I am not sure that I learned anything new, but a reminder that my husband has different primary needs than myself is helpful.
2.  The Love Busters and Love Bank seemed overcomplicated for what it was, but I gleaned a little information from it.  Don't be rude, selfish, disrespectful, or annoying.  Got it.  Do things for my spouse that will fill his Love Bank...have sex, do fun stuff with him, cook dinner.  Got it.
3.  15 HOURS! I just can't get over this one...Okay, I understand that he is trying to get you to spend more time together, which I would love.  You don't want to become passing ships and wake up one day and have nothing to say to each other.  But this guy surely doesn't have three children, right?  Then I read his run down of his time...8 hours for sleep, 8 hours for work, 1 hour for drive time, to him leaves plenty of time for our quality time.  Here is the problem or problems: Levi works more than 8 hours a day.  His drive to work is an hour so his total commute is 2 hours...hey, it is better than the four he was doing before we moved.  And meal time and childcare alone takes up most of the rest of the day.  I talked to Levi about this guys time requirement, and after he got over the initial shock of thinking this guy has lost his marbles and surely my lovely wife does not think this is possible, he saw the merit in being more intentional about spending time together.  We decided that we could try for 7 hours with the occasional week of a whopping 10...go us!  He could also see that being intentional about spending quality time with the kids is important.  That one is a lot easier for us as we do a lot as a family.  We can very easily meet the 15 hours there.
4.  Be careful when enjoying hobbies that don't include your spouse to guard yourself from getting too close to someone of the opposite sex that enjoys the same hobby as you...completely agree.  Don't leave yourself open to temptation and opportunity.  I think it is completely healthy to have a hobby for yourself, but I think you should carefully balance those with hobbies that you and your spouse can enjoy together.
5.  He says you should talk about your views of child rearing before you have kids.  I say, just understand that once those kiddos come along that some of your best laid plans will be thrown out the window and you and your spouse will learn to make kiddo decisions on the fly.  Cause you know...before you have kids you believe that YOUR kid will never be THAT kid that is throwing the fit in Target or having a meltdown in a restaurant.   Good luck with that.  But talking more about kiddo issues...good idea...got it.

So there you have it.  My first book review.  So if my choice is skip it, read it, buy it and give it to all your friends, too:  I say skip it.

Can you give me a hand?

This is a short one, but I have some big posts coming up and wanted to throw this one out there to give you a laugh.

The other day I was making a dessert that required some constant action.  I was mixing egg whites in a bowl and at the same time cooking some strawberries in a skillet with butter.  I don't know who wrote this recipe but they must have had eight hands.  I also set up my hand mixer away from the skillet so it is partially my fault, I suppose.  I didn't want the strawberries to burn but I couldn't stop mixing.  I asked Levi if he could loan me his hands.  He said sure and came to help.  Except he didn't help with what I expected.  He came up behind me and put his hands on my boobs and lifted them a bit.  "Better?" he says.  Hysterical and out of character but I loved it:)  I love it when he is playful like that...then he helped with dessert of course:)

Goodbye...Hello

As I began to write this post, I couldn't help but think of the Beatles song:

I figure if the dang thing is going to be stuck in my head then it should be stuck in yours too...your welcome.  Wow, those outfits...anyway.

I have realized that there is something ridiculously easy that I can do for Levi to make him feel respected and loved.  Some of you will be shaking your head by the end of my little story wondering what the big deal was and others of you will understand.  I hope there is someone that reads this that may more easily change some of their behavior to make their husband feel respected and loved too.

From the very beginning of our relationship, I had this obsession (okay, I confess, I still have it) with Levi saying goodbye to me in the morning.  I would often still be in bed when he was headed out the door and would insist that he wake me up and kiss me goodbye.  There were many times that I would call him in the morning when I awoke and he wasn't next to me. I would be upset that he didn't say goodbye, only for him to tell me that he did tell me goodbye, but I wouldn't wake up.  That didn't surprise me as I often have entire conversations in my sleep.  So every morning my dear Levi wakes me up (not a pleasant experience as I am NOT morning person) or stops my routine if I am already awake, and kisses me goodbye.  Sometimes it is a quick peck and others a nice long kiss that makes us both yearn for the times bk (before kids) when we could run back to the bedroom before heading off to our responsibilities.  I love it, I crave it, and Levi delivers EVERY MORNING.  He doesn't complain about it, he doesn't make excuses about why he can't do it, and I would imagine that some mornings when he is in a hurry and I am up and somewhere off in the house and he has to come searching for me that it may not always be convenient.

I read in a book or blog or church or something somewhere, can't remember where, that wives should greet their husbands when they come home from work.  I did it for a while and then got lazy, got busy, wondered why I had to drop everything to say hello to him; I was in the middle of something for goodness sake.  Oh yes, I made all kinds of excuses, complained in my head (thankfully not out loud), and just didn't do it if it wasn't convenient for me.  How incredibly selfish!  I still remember the first time that I met Levi as he was coming in the door to say hello...he thought something was wrong.  Ouch.  The kids greet him, the dog greets him, does it really matter if I greet him?  I am typically making dinner or cleaning something or helping some kiddo with homework when he walks in the door.  It is not always convenient to stop what I am doing to properly greet him.  Properly that is...I always say hello, I don't completely ignore him for goodness sake, but I don't always go to him and kiss him hello.  He has just worked his tail off for me and the kids all day.  And I can't leave the dinner on the stove for 10 seconds to say hello?  Wow, doesn't make you feel too good about yourself.

How did I come to this epiphany?  It came to me one morning as Levi came all the way upstairs to find me buried in a closet helping one of the kids find their school shirt for Spirit Day, on a day that he was in a huge rush for a big meeting, to say goodbye and give me a kiss.  That is when it dawned on me and I vowed to change for good.  It isn't always easy, or convenient; but no matter what, I stop what I am doing whenever Levi gets home to properly say hello.  The joy in his face lets me know that he likes it, the kids see how important Daddy is, and I can VERY EASILY show my love and respect for him, show him that I missed him, and make him feel important.  He never asked me to.  He never bugged me to.  He never made me feel guilty about not doing it.  But I can tell he likes it and I will happily continue to do it for the rest of our lives.

Goodbye...Hello.

Minimalism - The Delicates Drawer(s)

When I was moving and had to pack up half of my house in order to make it "show ready", I realized a few things: My home was a heck of a lot easier to clean, I didn't miss anything except family photos, and we have a ridiculous amount of stuff!  Okay, so we aren't hoarders and you aren't tripping over stuff when you walk through the door (unless of course my children have left their shoes there...again), but our stuff is hidden.  Be careful opening closets, drawers, and cabinets in my house. I can't be responsible for the consequences...consider yourself warned.  Even though the mess is hidden, it makes things difficult to find and takes up time.  I have decided that this summer I am going to choose a drawer or two every week and share with you my experience of trying to become more of a minimalist.

I have decided to start with my...ahem...delicate drawers.  I have two drawers for my delicates...one for bras, panties, and shape wear (of which I only have one to wear under a particular dress) and one for socks and lingerie.  I learned something new the other day on a trip to the bra store.  I found a new bra store...they were having a two for one deal and I couldn't resist.  I probably couldn't afford the dang things if not for being on sale.  After trying on a few bras, I finally let the chick at the store "measure" me.  I bet this is how men feel when they have their inseam measured...so weird.  Anyway, she looks me over...awkward...runs off, returns, and brings me back...Heaven in a bra.  I am serious, I hardly know that I have the thing on and the girls have not been this high up since high school...I can't see my feet!  I was like a kid in a shoe store begging to wear the thing out of the store.  They smiled knowingly...rather smugly...and said it happens all the time.

I then went to fold my bra in front of the store clerk and have never seen such a horrified face.  I wondered what I possibly could have done and she said, "Oh sweetie, you are not supposed to flip your bra cups wrong side out together."  Oooookay, why?  She saw the question in my face and said that my bras have "memory foam" in them and it would break down over time if I flipped them, which is why the drawers at lingerie stores have the bras the way they do.  Really, memory foam...like a mattress?  She said that if you can put the cups the same direction to store that was fine...but "NO flipping."  No flipping, got it. Unfortunately, I can't twist my bras to stack the cups as there is so much wiring, etc. that they probably need architectural plans.  Makes me giggle to call these delicates...nothing about my bras are delicate (except for the memory foam apparently).

I arrive home and happily place my new bras in my drawer and decide to reorganize my bras so they are not "flipping out".  I have decided that whoever made this silly rule does not wear a DD.  There is hardly any room in here for my panties!  They do look pretty though, and I can see them all which leads me to get rid of four of them that I haven't worn in forever...one is way too small, but I had kept it cause it was pretty (DD bras don't often come in "pretty", but the girls pop out if I bend over...not exactly graceful when you have to pop them back in in a crowd), one pokes me cause the under wire is coming out, one that was an emergency bra which hadn't been needed in years because it has no padding (which can no longer be worn post nursing unless I would like to become a public "thermometer" for cold weather) and the other only has one under wire cause it came out in the wash.  Hello?  Who is going to wear one under wire and one not...my boobs would look like they had serious issues.

Bras...check.  Now, panties...which has been relegated to a 1/4 of the drawer as they used to occupy due to the now unflipped bras.  I pull them all out and count them...40...yes, 40 pairs of panties...(why do they call them pairs...I never have understood it...you have two boobs and they don't call them a pair of bra...anyway)...who in the world needs forty pair of underwear?  The really sad thing is that it was laundry day, so there was probably 7-10 pairs in the laundry!!  So I throw out the too small, too big, holey, bad elastic, old, and just plain ugly and am able to get rid of 23 pairs of panties.  Five are for special occasions...you know...the ones you wear for so short a time you wonder why you had to put them on.  I may be able to get rid of a few more as I wear them...I know there are some in there that don't stay put, I just can't remember which ones.  I solemnly swear to you all that they will go straight to the trash.

Bras, panties...check.  Lingerie, uh, it has been a while since I have been through this drawer.  I had 14 "outfits" and was able to get rid of 4.  You know it is bad when you pull on the elastic and they creak and don't go back into place...yep, time to go.  Then there were a few really beautiful ones from my honeymoon...14 years ago.  3 kids ago.  From. my. 20s.  Pre-nursing.  There are just some things that aren't going to go back the way they were...realism comes as I near 40.  Mourn and get over it.

Bras, panties, lingerie...check.  Socks.  33 pairs of socks and remember the laundry...yep, probably some more in there.  To some of you this may not seem like a lot, but considering I wear flip flops or sandals all but two months of the year...this is excessive.  I have some fuzzy ones for winter, some long ones for boots, and a ton of trouser socks that I used to wear under slacks for work...have not taught in 10 years so yes, these socks probably wouldn't stay up if I wanted them too.  Socks with holes go straight to the trash from the laundry so I don't have to worry about that but am able to get rid of 14 pair...well, 13 1/2...not sure where that other one is or why I have one sock in my drawer all by it's lonesome hoping the other will appear out of thin air.  Keeping my daily, or workout socks as I like to call them, because that is pretty much the only time I wear them.

I figure I probably could survive with less and get rid of some more, but hey, baby steps, right?  Now to tackle the kids underwear and sock drawers...if someone doesn't hear from me, tell Levi I am stuck in a closet.

Hey Big Spender

I have a lovely new computer...so lovely, in fact, that I feel like I traded in a Pinto, wondering at any moment if it might blow up, for a Ferrari, that has so many bells and whistles that I can't start the car.  I now have a Mac and am slowly learning how to use it considering that I have always used Windows.  It is also a laptop which I have never had before.  I tried to steer my dear Levi to get me a smaller screen, but he insisted on getting the larger one, which I will admit to you all that I am sure I will be happier with, but holy cow this thing comes with a mighty high price tag.  And therein lies an issue that has been hanging around for a while.

Let me give you some background.  I will try to keep it short.  When Levi and I got married we were both employed and Levi paid the bills.  I spent what I wanted and so did he.  I didn't realize that I was overspending until finally one day Levi said that we were in debt.  It wasn't much but I was worried.  I had gotten into debt in college due to poor choices and roommate circumstances and had to humbly ask my parents for a loan which I did pay off.  He also seemed stressed at the bill paying and money planning and I offered to take it over.  He seemed relieved.  Paying the bills changed my views of money and I became much more frugal which all in all helped our situation.  We then made a few poor choices here and there, a couple that I had said we shouldn't make and they seem to add up.  Then we moved for work and we decided that I would stay home with our young son.

Then our second child came along a few years later and we were in debt of about $5,000 plus cars and house.  Kid 2 came by emergency c-section and had to spend time in the NICU.  We had great insurance but we still paid over $6,000 out of our pocket.  Then my oldest needed surgery.  We owed nine different doctors/hospitals and had to pay each a little something every month.  The problem was we were living paycheck to paycheck.  We ended up having to use credit cards to live while paying off doctors.  We finally paid all of our medical bills 18 months later and were left with about $10,000 in credit card debt.

I tried following the plan of many financial planners to pay off the highest interest cards first, but it was taking forever.  Our high interest card was the one that had the most on it.  Then I was invited to a class called Conquering Debt God's Way.  Regardless of your religious beliefs this guy (Bruce Ammons) made sense.  He said the problem with paying things off this way is that most people don't have an interest problem, they have a cash flow problem.  He said to pay off the smallest debt first regardless of interest and then take the amount and apply it to the next highest debt, etc.  He also had a lot to say about cutting your budget, working extra, and all around considering debt to be the enemy and declaring all out war on your bills.  (He also had an awesome idea for owning your dream house and paying it off that would have been a lot easier had we started when we were young in case you are interested.)

In one year we had paid everything off but one car and our house.  We were working on cushioning our savings and then it was time to move again.  We bought some furniture on 0%.  No biggie, we know that we will pay it off before it is due, but then we had to do some unexpected work on the house...again we qualified for 0% and it was stuff that had to get done.  We usually pay cash for everything these days, so these payments were eating into our monthly cushion I like to keep for unexpected car repair, etc.  And then the computer dies.

We could have paid to have it fixed but it is so old that it is no longer supported my Microsoft and would have required more than it was worth.  Levi has always wanted a MAC for home.  He has one for work and he was all for getting a MAC.  My concern was the ginormous price tag.  I get it, they are awesome.  I shared my concerns and suggested buying a $300-400 laptop we could pay cash for and saving up for an Apple.  He thought about it for a week and then we were in the Apple Store choosing a new computer.  And now I am left with figuring out where this payment is coming from and make sure we pay it off before our 0% is up.

We can afford it, but I feel like these habits are sending us in a bad direction.  I feel buried.  I have asked Levi to help with the decisions that I am making.  He does take care of retirement planning and 401K choices, 529s, etc.  But the monthly budget, bill paying, and future planning (vacations, etc.) are all me.  I have asked for help, I have threatened to just hand everything back to him, I have asked that we sit down once a month to just go over the budget, etc.  He would say yes, but it never happens or if we do sit down he seems stressed and/or put out because I always have to force it.  I don't even mind paying the bills.  I just want his input.  We don't really argue over money, he doesn't disagree with the choices that I make, but I feel weird telling him not to spend such and such or when we are buying something then I am the one that decides on what sort of financing we will be choosing.  I feel like I am leading where money is concerned and I want him to be the leader of our home.

So what to do with my new big spender?  Give up the bills and leave everything to him when he doesn't want it?  Beat a dead horse and have the "talk" again about getting together to discuss finances on a regular basis?  Print out a monthly report so that he sees where we stand and leave it on his pillow?  Is it wrong of me to feel so stressed about this lovely "gift"?  Is it really a "gift" to me or just him getting what he has always wanted wrapped in "I want you to have the best"?

Maybe I shouldn't let it stress me out so much, but I feel like we should have a solid budget so that history does not repeat itself.  I can't come up with a way to communicate this to him.  I have tried.  He works very hard for the money we have and I am glad he trusts me to handle the money.  I just want to talk about it.  My Levi is a man of few words...words are superfluous to him...the fewer the better.  I need to talk about things and through things in order to make decisions and process feelings. How can we come to some middle ground on this issue?

The good:
We don't argue about money which is one of the many reasons for divorce.
We agree on where the money should go most of the time.
We have to agree on something when spending over $100 on one item. (I have a friend whose husband comes home with huge purchases without consulting her and it causes a lot of stress on their marriage)
We don't impulsively buy
We don't hide purchases from each other
We share all accounts

The bad:
We don't really talk about money for the budget
We don't really talk about long term goals
We don't really talk about our plans for our future together

WE DON'T REALLY TALK

I have no idea how to solve this problem.  Any thoughts or ideas are most welcome.  I would appreciate words that will express to him the importance of this subject to me without coming across in a negative way.  Sometimes I think that I am saying something well and it is coming across as disrespectful.  I can tell by Levi's reaction but can't imagine what I have said that is wrong.  I also may need some help with accepting his reluctance and pushing through that without getting my feelings hurt.

(I had some cute pics to put in this post, but couldn't figure out how to right click my "mouse", LOL)