Wishing you a Joyful Christmas

 

I know, I know...Christmas is over and way to far in the future to think about...unless of course you are a craft store.  Some of us are just coming out of our holiday hangover....shoot, some of us still have Christmas lights on the house.  (Levi's job, as I don't do roofs or attics:))  But I have to tell you that for Levi and I, a joyful Christmas starts in January. 

No, I am not one of those people who has all their gifts bought by August, or who plans every detail down to the minute, although I envy them sometimes.  But Levi and I set the budget for Christmas in January and then every month we put money aside to pay for it. Then when Christmas rolls around we can focus on joyfully giving and not stressing out because we have to charge everything and know that we won't have the money in January to pay for it.

 

I know what some of you are thinking...Bea, I don't have the money you obviously do...there is NO way that we can afford to put money aside for Christmas...well, let me tell you a little story:

 

The year my second child was born, we lived paycheck to paycheck.  We were sadly already about $5,000 in the hole with credit cards due to some stupid mistakes that we made with our money.  We had no savings, owned one of our cars, but we had a car payment and house payment.  We could only pay the minimums and we were on one income.  My second child came along and we found ourselves in medical debt up to our eyeballs!  Emergency C-sections where one has to be completely knocked out on top of NICU charges caused just the hospital part of our bill to be $6,000 out of our pocket, and we had good insurance (80/20 after deductible).  I had a friend who had a baby that year that had HMO insurance and paid $200 for her delivery...seriously?  But that is a whole other post.  This bill did not include NICU doctors, regular pediatrician, my doctor, anesthesiologist, etc.  Keep in mind that we were living paycheck to paycheck.  Then not a month after my delivery our oldest had to have ENT surgery.  I cried...and then felt horribly guilty for being so upset that he was going to cost us so much money.  What kind of horrible mother feels angry that her child is going to cost her so much?  I know that I am not a horrible mother, but the stress of all of these bills was really getting to me and I knew we had to do something...but what?  Now I had another hospital bill, plus doctor and anesthesiologist bill for our oldest and we had to pay them all at least something.  Because we were already living paycheck to paycheck we had to start charging our life.  We didn't qualify for any help with our medical because we made "too much" and were only able to pay each doctor $10 per month.  The hospitals required a larger amount each month and we owed 10 different doctors.  You can see where I am going with this...by the time we paid the house, car, and doctors, we had to charge everything else: gas, groceries, etc.  We racked up thousands.  We were already living fairly frugally...no cable, I did not have a cell phone, etc.  Were we perfect all the time?...no.  I got a job at a preschool and started an at home business after we decided that if I went back to work teaching that I would only be paying for childcare.  That Christmas was charged and I hated it....I found absolutely no JOY in giving.  Our marriage was strained, I resented my own children at times, and was angry with myself and my husband.  My husband began listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio.  Say what you will about him, but he helped us immensely.

 

We decided that January that we were going to start to save for Christmas...we looked over our bills and had no idea where it was going to come from, but we were going to do it!  We began with $50 per month.  We would automatically put it in savings....ON PAYDAY.  We were adamant that we had to do this and sometimes it meant that we had to charge something which we did not want to do...but when you need new tires and you are driving your babies around, you do it. I continued part time work and we had a garage sale.

I am not telling you all of this to make you feel sorry for me.  I am telling you this so that when you say that you can't do this then I can call BS.  If we could do it, then so can you! 

It took us two years to pay off our medical bills.  TWO YEARS!  But that Christmas was Joyful...why?  We could give small presents that we knew we weren't going to spend the next year trying to pay for.  I remember getting my youngest a Little People set, opening it up and wrapping each individual piece so that he would have lots of toys to open.  He was in heaven.  They were so little that they did not notice.  Levi and I did not give each other anything and our siblings and parents got very small gifts...like ten dollar gifts. 

Two years later after several promotions, living frugally, tax returns, and savings...we had not a single thing on our credit cards.  That is for a different post as it took a lot of work, but Christmas remains a joyful time, because every year in January we adjust the budget and are able to give JOYFULLY.  We also now save for our Home Owners Association fees as they are due in December.  We save for our car insurance and pay that every six months instead of paying the monthly penalty and we save ahead of time for vacations instead of charging them and then not being able to relax and have fun.

Saving for Christmas has spread into every area of our spending and now when the car breaks down, or the fridge stops working the hit doesn't hurt as badly and we can be JOYFUL.  So since my goal this year is to CHOOSE JOY, then I wanted to share this JOYFUL habit with you so that you can have a JOYFUL CHRISTMAS this year.

A Child's Wisdom

The following is a conversation with my 4 year old daughter after hearing this song in the car:

My daughter: "Mommy, is he talking to his mommy?"

Me: "No baby, he is probably talking to his girlfriend.  They sound like they might break up."

My daughter: "Why?"  (her favorite question these days)

Me: "Sounds like they aren't talking to each other," said distractedly while driving.

My daughter: "Why not?" seeming completely incredulous.

Me: "Because it is hard sometimes"

My daughter: "No it's not!  You just open your mouth and talk," she said with complete and absolute certainty.

Me: After a thoughtful pause, "You are right, baby." While thinking...if only life stayed as easy as when you were four years old.

It just isn't that easy...but it should be.

 

A Good Year

I realize that it is January 15th, but I have been so busy that I have not been able to share my reflections of 2013.  Forgive my lateness...I will work on that this year...lol.

I love January.  It is always a busy month for my family, but I love buying my blank calendar and it staying so neat and tidy for a couple of weeks before it is covered in commitments, appointments, and the inevitable scratch outs. I also love January as it is the perfect time to look over the previous year and put it behind you. 

You can look back on it with fondness, with indifference, or you can slide into the New Year wondering how in the world you survived.

Last year was a good year. 

I know you are thinking...uh, Bea...then what was all that whining about?  You all in blog land get to here all about my woes that I tend to hide from those in my life.  You get to hear about all the negative stuff and help me figure out how to turn it into action to make my life better.  It can probably lead you to believe that I am a negative person, although I am not.

When you are in the midst of stressful situations, it is very difficult to see anything but the stress, especially when they last several months...and last year was very stressful.

The beginning of the year was a VERY stressful time for our family as Levi had a four hour total commute every day to work, a dear family member passed away, and we put our house on the market.

The last half of the year was spent moving into our new home and settling the kids and ourselves in all our newness...which sounds exciting, but I don't handle change well.  All of this was done on a thyroid that was only half working and trying out all the medicines to make it work better.

Sounds rough, but when I look back on my years, there are very few that I would consider "bad years".  I am learning as I approach middle age to find the JOY in everything.  To APPRECIATE everything.

Sure, we have had better years, but we have had worse years too.

This year I will try to live joyfully...I have a very good example to follow.

My grandmother is the most amazing person on this planet.  She stands around 4 feet and is a rather round woman.  She has stark white hair, glasses, tiny little feet, and has a tendency to wear the gaudiest costume jewelry.  She is in her 90s and still lives on her own. 

People are drawn to her.  I wish I could explain this better.  She attracts attention without trying no matter where we are.  At a restaurant someone will stop at the table just to compliment her earrings, or someone will run to a door to open it for her, or some guy will go out of his way to flirt with her...much to the consternation of the whole family.  She doesn't have money...living off of Social Security and her late husbands pension that I can guarantee you isn't much.  People will be walking along ignoring everyone in their path only to go out of their way to talk to her.  College students from her former apartment complex would take her out dancing and everyone calls her mom.  Children, mine included sit at her feet in wonder as she tells stories.  Young and old, rich and poor, any color...they are drawn to her like she is the most beautiful thing on the planet.

Our whole family stands around scratching their heads in wonder.  Of course we love her, but it appears that the rest of the world does too.  We just can't seem to figure out why...we know her, but what is it about her that draws strangers?

I have figured it out...JOY AND LOVE.  She is a walking billboard for joy and love.  She almost always has a smile on her face and she loves everyone.  She has certainly not lead a charmed life either.  Born during the depression, spent most of her life poor, her husband died in her arms at a young age, she has lost her brother and two out of her four children. She had to work very hard most of her life with very little money to show for it and she is full of JOY.  The JOY that can only be somewhere deep inside and glows so brightly that it is seen on the outside.

I hope that I am just like her when I grow up...although it would be nice if I wasn't quite so round:), but if I could be like her then I wouldn't even care.  I realize that it is only the 15th, but so far this has the makings of a good year.  I have a beautiful home, loving...although sometimes exasperating husband, amazing children, and we are blessed with great friends and family.  So as I think about my resolutions for the new year and write out that $1,000 check to fix my broken car...No matter what happens this year I am going to choose...

JOY.

 

Reflections of my Sexcapades

So I finally told you all how our 30 day sex challenge concluded.  I want to share with you now what I learned...I love lists and am copying from notes so sorry for the list...just seemed the easiest:

-My husband loves sex:

As if I didn't already know this one, but I don't think that I grasped how much he actually loves sex and how much it means to him...he seemed giddy at times...GIDDY...that is not a word I would use to describe my husband in ANY way...reserved, quiet, studious, serious...now THOSE are words I would, but no, the man was GIDDY about our little experiment.

-My husband loves sex with me:

I am coming to grips with the fact that he truly cannot be seeing what I see in the mirror every morning.  I would ask him to get his vision checked, but I have also accepted that I will not question or argue with what he says is hot...it's insulting and hey, if he doesn't see it, then why the hell am I going to point it out!  I just wish he would tell me where he got those wife goggles cause I would like a pair...we could market these things and make a fortune!  I would love not to see the 25 extra pounds, stretch marks, spider veins, cellulite, etc. that make me avoid mirrors while naked:)  Doesn't mean I won't stop trying, but I WILL try not to obsess about it.

-Sex is possible before 6am:

News to me...but we managed to have sex more then, when we were refreshed from sleep, more often than the evening when we fell into bed exhausted.  I am not going to lie to you all and tell you that I all of a sudden LOVE morning sex...I don't particularly want to be struck with lightning.  But seeing Levi leave for work with a hop in his step was pretty awesome...although I still grumbled and whined until I got coffee and typically could not relax enough to have an O in the morning.

 

-Sex is possible even when you are irritated as all get out:

As much as I wanted to tell myself that I was not using lack of sex as a punishment when Levi would piss me off...I have come to the conclusion that I was.  I didn't do it in a mean spirited way, but would be so irritated that the thought of being warm and receptive repulsed me. He very rarely pisses me off these days, but it does happen and always will of course.  Now I know that I can lay that aside and be with him...and it allowed me to talk more openly too.  I am truly embracing that my body is for him and his for me, even when I am imagining possible things that I can throw at said body.

-Quantity versus Quality:

Levi enjoyed the quantity.  I enjoyed the quality.   Because we had so much morning sex, the quality wasn't all that great for me for those times.  Now, don't have a conniption...I still enjoyed it, but didn't have O in the morning.  It really wasn't Levi's fault...it was me.  I had a hard time relaxing even behind a closed, locked door worrying that kiddos were going to come a knockin' and typically we were in a hurry. It takes me longer than 10 minutes to get warmed up, too.  Those mornings were all for Levi.  Sometimes that was okay.  Sometimes it wasn't and left me feeling cheated.  I am not saying that it should have, but it did.
I want to be honest with you.  I want others to know that it isn't just them.  Occasionally, I don't even want to O and encourage Levi that it is just me and then other times I am disappointed and then feel guilty for being selfish. 
I may upset the guys here a little, but I will give what I hope is an honest opinion that I know that other women might share, but it can be irritating when you want to O and don't have the time to devote to it.  Most men get to 99.9% of the time (once you start), so you really wouldn't understand what it is like not to when you want to.  It might be just as frustrating as not getting it enough.  I want that to sink in a minute...
Imagine that after you get your wife to O she says, "Okay, all done." and proceeds to pass out before you get to finish or has to run off to work several days in a row.  Yes, it feels like that.  I get that sometimes you can't help it and finish before you intend to...I am not speaking of that but do help a girl out afterwards if that happens.  Levi and I just didn't have the time in the morning to devote to it and I knew that going into it.  It was okay, but after a few days I needed that quality time where I could relax and we had the time for me to get there.
But those days that we had quality sex?...those left me happy and satisfied for days.  So I have deduced that Levi wants quantity and as long as I get some quality in there then we will both be happy with our sex life.  I also sure wish I was one of those women that could O in two minutes without four play too, but such is life.

 

-30 days of sex was surely a challenge with a capital C:

I was very disappointed at first that there were many days that we did not have sex.  In fact, at the beginning I was downright bummed about it...then I got over it.  I began this hopelessly optimistic that we could do it every day for 30 days straight...I ended excited that we had had more sex in December than we had ever had before.  After the early disappointment, I wondered why in the world I chose December of all months to have our sexcapades...by the end I was happy that I chose December because with all the busyness we have a tendency to drift apart and we were the closest we have ever been in the month of crazy yuletide cheer.


-Phone Security:

I learned how to put a code lock on my phone because sometimes you make notes that you don't want others to see.  Yikes!

-Connected: Feeling disconnected sucks...I hate it, it puts me on edge and I feel very insecure.  When we are connected...it energizes me and makes me feel loved, safe, and able to take on the world.  Sex helps us feel connected and both of us have been communicating better without the grumpy responses that set off our defensiveness.  I hope that we can continue to challenge each other all our days.

 

I hope that you take up a challenge just for the sake of challenging yourself.  I hope you learn something about yourself in the process.  My next challenge?  I am doing a planking challenge I saw on Facebook so that maybe I can get my tummy to NOT look like the Pillsbury Doughboy's.

Hoo hoo!

Conclusion of the Sexcapades

I would like to start by saying that I hope that all of you had a joyous Christmas and a happy New Year.  I am sorry that I haven't been around.  Having guests and my kiddos constantly about has made it difficult to blog, let alone blog about sex...so this post is a bit delayed.  May I present to you the conclusion of our 30 day sex challenge in all it's glory:)

 

Day 16:  nada...again!  Okay so this challenge isn't going exactly how I wanted it to, but I could not have picked a busier time of year to challenge myself...next time I am picking June!

Day 17: Funny Joking Sex...I am not sure that I have ever had this sort of sex but it was fun and hysterical and included some attempts to jokingly suggest that we scoot over in the middle of it so that he has to sleep in the wet spot and laughingly chastising him about the fact that it should always be his responsibility to get the towel and it ALWAYS needs to come out of the cabinet and not from the floor.  All this in absolute good humor and teasing...needless to say I had a towel thrown at me and was then told afterwards that he had wiped the floor with it, I then jumped to his side of the bed and stuck my tongue out...we were rolling...guess you had to be there.

Day 18: Fell Asleep in a Tangle while Making Out...we were just so tired!!

Day 19: Morning Quickie...Levi is walking around like he is on Cloud 9

Day 20: nada...someone almost saw all my "notes" on my phone!!! holy cow what would they have thought?...my notes are mostly nada and morning...although I am sure that it wouldn't take them long to figure out quickie and maintenance!

 

Day 21: Morning...Levi leaves every morning with quite the smile on his face.

Day 22: nada

 

Day 23: Morning...AGAIN?  Levi seems happy...I seem to be getting a bit bored. (I'll explain this in the following post)

Day 24: nada

Day 25: nada

Day 26: Beautiful Slow Awesomeness...Now, I am floating on clouds:)

Day 27: Morning...Have I mentioned that Levi loves morning sex, while I don't like to speak with anyone until I have had two cups of coffee?  I should get the wife of the year award.

Day 28: Morning...Very, Very Quietly...like hunting rabbits...Lol I crack myself up, but the kids were awake and watching cartoons so we had to be quick and quiet.

 

Day 29: nada...Christmas Eve...we were up building crap for Santa until 2:00 am...I don't think Santa is going to get anything that he has to build on Christmas Eve EVER AGAIN!! His elves did not look like this!

Day 30: Christmas Awesomeness and Levi thanking me for my awesome Christmas outfit and 30 days of fun:)

So what did I learn from all this?  A lot!  And I will be writing about it tomorrow:)