Apple Trees

 

 

 

You have probably all heard the phrase: "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree".  It is commonly used to describe how children mirror their parents.  When I was a teacher, I would get a good glimpse of this idiom.  When all the parents would come to Open House, I could almost always match up apples with their trees.  Sometimes good apples and good qualities...sometimes bad qualities (as a teacher I tried not to see the apples as bad). 

 

Hopefully you won't think me terribly judgemental here, but when Levi and I are out and experience something such as a rude, loud parent with their rude, loud child we look at each other and say "apple trees".  We know what we mean, but those around us don't.  Don't misunderstand, there was a time when I would walk through a store and see a three year old throwing a fit and I would wonder why the parent didn't take care of it...but that was before I had children.  That would not have been and certainly isn't now a time to use "apple trees".  That is a time to look on with a knowing and sympathetic glance unless it is 10:00 pm and you have decided to bring your entire family to Walmart and your two year old is exhausted and you are browsing the DVDs.  That is your own fault, but I digress.  Let me think of an example for you...

 

We were out to dinner last week and were seated by another family with two adults and two teenagers.  The mother was being extremely rude and picky to the wait staff and so was her daughter.  The father and son hardly looked up from their mobile devices to notice.  Apple trees.

 

Now that you know the context...our own children are surely not immune to the apple tree statement...in fact we probably give each other "that" look quite often.  We can easily see the good and bad qualities that we have passed on to our children...some that we can change and some that are just a part of their beautiful personalities whether we like it or not.  We like to say that we are making sure that they are well rounded...what's a well rounded kid without  a few quirks? 

 

My three year old's favorite phrase is "I can do it myself!"...I know, not unusual by any means.  It is more than that, though.  She is very stubborn, willful, and vocal.  She is also sweet, loyal, and loves to help others.  "Apple tree".  It is like I have a little mini-me running around the house.  We all have one don't we?  When we see ourselves in someone else, though, it can be a bit disheartening.  I know what she will struggle with because I have done so and still do.

 

 

My favorite phrase is "I can do it myself!"  I am stubborn, willful, and vocal.  I am also sweet, loyal, and love to help others.  My mother laughs and laughs when I am dealing with one of my daughters moments.  Very funny mom.  My stubborn streak is more than a mile wide.  I DO NOT LIKE BEING NEEDY.  The thing is that this surrendering stuff requires a bit of neediness doesn't it?

 

I have reached a point in this road that the voice inside is screaming at me to not let go of the stubbornness, the willfulness...the I can do it myself attitude.  But in marriage, you can't do it yourself...that is the whole point isn't it?  I don't like to have to work at something...my middle child got this one too.  I would rather not try something that I am unsure if I will be good at it or not.  He is also very cautious and you can see him check things out from the sidelines until he deems it safe enough to join in, but he likes to play on the outskirts so he can retreat if necessary...now if he is good at something then he jumps right in, but if he is in anyway unsure, then he holds back.

 

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday (cough cough Wilma) and she rightly pointed out to me that this was another wall I was hiding behind.  I realized that this is the bit that I was holding on to (like the lovely donkey above)...the part that says I don't have to or shouldn't be vulnerable to my husband, I don't have to or shouldn't share my inner feelings with him, what if you aren't good at it, you can do it yourself, remember?  You don't need anyone else.  That voice is very loud right now...I guess cause I had to dig a while to find her that she has found her voice.  She is holding on to that last little bit of my whole heart that my husband deserves.  Stubborn, willful and vocal.

 

So this is what I realized and wrote to my friend yesterday...

 

I can't undo it either, can I?  I can't undo that as much as I don't want to admit it, that it is better for us. 

 

It is better for us if I need him sometimes and don't try to do everything myself.  It is better if I let him lead in the dance...it is time to let that last little bit go.  Under all that emotional baggage that I let go a couple of weeks ago...who knew that I would find this little tidbit...layers, huh?  I asked her how long I could pout about it. 

 

 

Her wise reply: 24 hours  So here goes...watch out for my lower lip so you don't trip on it.

Operation Seduce my Husband...I mean Reconnect

When last we met...

 

Bea was ready to unleash Operation Reconnect...(cough, cough) Seduce my Husband.  Well, it was a success, sort of.  So I took a shower, shaved, trimmed, plucked, lotioned, perfumed, clipped, powdered, made up, flattened, etc.  Men...I hope you appreciate what your woman does for you:)  I probably could have just come to bed naked...but I enjoy the work up a little too.

I put on a dress (nothing fancy...just a t-shirt dress) and fancy panties...gotta put on the fancy panties...oohh  funny story about that.  I was getting dressed and my three year old needed to go to the bathroom.  She still needs help, so she came in to my bathroom and I was just in my underthings...she let out this big "Ooooohhhh Mommy, your panties are soooooo pretty!"  She then proceeded to show me her pretty Dora panties and I ooohhhed and ahhhed over them.  My seven year old walks in...takes one look at us and goes..."Ughh" covers his eyes and leaves the room:)

So, Levi gets home and immediately notices.  Hmmm...that might not be such a good thing that he can take one look at me and just know.  Maybe I need to up my day to day game around here.  I was cooking dinner and he does this awesome thing where he sidles up behind me like a cowboy...smacks my rear and then kisses the back of my neck and asks "How's my woman?"...duh...it's getting a little hot in here.

We had an awesome night and an amazing weekend...we were very busy...if you know what I mean.  But I still feel like there is something in the way of real connection.  He is very focused on work right now and it didn't help that all our germ swapping, I mean kissing had us both come down with a stomach bug yesterday...ewww.  Good news: I lost two pounds...pretty sure that will come back, but I can be excited about something today. 

So what's the dill, pickle?  I don't know what to do to help him...he seems like he is not really here...you know?  He always seems a world away...we are connecting in the bedroom, but not much otherwise.

I wish he understood that I need some of this:

 

 

To keep up with this:

 

 

I need him, I need connection, I need to know he loves me and not just in the bedroom.  It is better for me if I feel connected to him...so what to do?  I don't want to stress him out or make him feel like he is doing something wrong.

Going the Distance

"We're going the distance...we're going for speed...she's all alone...all alone in her time of need..."
(Cake..."Going the Distance")

Ok, enough of the musical break.  I have been reading a lot of blogs lately that are talking about distance.  What is it with January?  I am so over January!  So what is it that makes are lives start to look like this?:

   

Is it this?

  

Probably not conducive to cuddle time...hmmm...or is it lack of this?

We all need vitamin D...women are especially vulnerable to being deficient in this vitamin...you should have this checked regularly...I was recently told that my Vitamin D was dangerously low...which over time can cause an increased risk in cardiovascular disease, bone loss, and many other things that I now fix with a daily dose of 1,000 IU of vitamin D (I am not a doctor...this is the amount my doctor prescribed for me to take...check with yours for your proper dose).  In the short term...vitamin D deficiency can make you tired, depressed, and make you more susceptible to respiratory illness.  In January it is near impossible to get enough the natural way, especially when your world looks like this (which mine doesn't):



and besides I look like this if I try to get it the natural way:

And then my dermatologist would freak out!  The sun does not like me.  Vitamins are good and sunscreen...wear sunscreen:)  Oh and big hats and umbrellas for shade.




This is my spot.
(You know it is bad when your friends and family and even your kids say...Bea have you reapplied...EVERY HOUR!!)

The distance might also be caused by this:





Then there is all of this: The Post Holiday Hangover






(Levi and I avoid this one by putting $100 aside every month for Christmas...then we pay cash for everything and have a Christmas budget...It has made giving fun again)



(Ugh...I do have this though, Levi doesn't...he can eat whatever he wants and not gain a pound...Pfttt!)

And before you know it...this has grown between you:

  

I am learning that when men have an issue that they are dealing with that they like to figure it out and often need space (correct me if I am wrong).  Well, if they take a while, as some problems inevitably do, then the women in their lives start to freak out (still with me?).  Why?  Because we take it personally...we think that it must be us...so then we shut down and withdraw.

Someone needs to reach across the canyon...does it really matter who?  Why do I feel like it needs to be Levi...because I am stubborn?  I don't know, but there are times when I dig my heels in and wait and the longer it takes, the smaller I feel.  Why is it so hard?  Why doesn't he know that sometimes I just need a hug or a thanks honey for all that you do and I am just in my head right now?

I am starting to feel the distance too.  In my case...quite literally as Levi drives 160 miles a day to get to work and back.  He is very focused on work right now...as he should be, but week 2 is wearing on us both and I can feel us starting to drift.  So I sent him a sexy text, and I am working extra hard today to make sure the house is a haven...if this doesn't work, then I am a little nervous about the small crack turning into this canyon above.

Well, if it doesn't...there is only 7 more days of January.
It's got to get better, right?

So...I am going to reach across the crack...
I got this...
I hope:)

Burst my Bubble

I wanted to start by saying thank you for all your support last week as I tried to figure out where I was getting stuck.  Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me.  Marriage is a difficult journey sometimes and I am glad that I have figured out a way over this bump in the road.  Remind me of that when the bump comes up again:)

We also survived Levi's first week of commuting...so far so good.  He has some books on CD that you all recommended and is really liking that!  I am to go to the library and check out some more so any recommendations would be appreciated. 

 

 

I just love this cute little guy. 

 

 

Levi and I were having an awesome cuddly talk last night and I asked him how I was doing on the respect issue.  I have learned that respect is probably need #2 with my man.  I am sure that you can guess what need #1 is:)  We got that down...in fact we had some fun with a belt the other day...don't get too excited, it was over before it started really...(not the fun, the belt)...that was...well, it was hot.  Someday I will tell you about that, maybe, considering I can't even type the "O" word...we'll see.

 

Man, I get off topic easily...that pops up in my head and I am wishing Levi was home!  So, respect.  I asked Levi if there was anything that I was saying that he felt disrespected by.  He could only think of one and went on and on about the changes in me and how nice it is to come home.  The one that he thought of was that I was telling a friend on the phone that something at the house was still broken.  I said, well, it is.  He explained that he hadn't had a chance to get to it and that telling my friend that it was still broken was like telling her that I couldn't rely on him to fix it.  THIS IS HUGE people.  He doesn't share like this with me.

(I am still confused by this one...I get not telling my friend...but I am getting frustrated about him not fixing it.)

 

Anyway, so my little bubble is all happy and I ask him if there is anything else that I do that is disrespectful.  He thought for a moment...my head on his chest all cuddled in bed...I looked a little like this:

 

 

Here is our conversation:  Levi is in italics

 

Well, you sigh, a lot, when you think I am doing something wrong.

 

(I am thinking: does that count...I don't actually say that and then I remembered...I asked him if there was anything I do...ah, crap)

 

You roll your eyes.

 

Wh...

 

You slam stuff around when we are arguing.

 

Bu...

 

You try to take over with the kids.

 

I....

 

Oh and the look. (he is really warming up to his subject now)

 

What look?  (I must say here that I probably was giving him the look...he just couldn't see it)

 

The, My gosh, are you an idiot? look.

 

Oh.

 

Ah honey, one step at a time.  (I seriously think he was going to say some more here and thought against it.)

 

 

And my little bubble went...pop.  Don't worry about me...it was a very lighthearted conversation, but it appears that I have a little more work to do in the respect department.

 

I am a very expressive person...I talk with my hands and make crazy facial expressions.  When I laugh...you can guarantee that it isn't some little giggle.  So, I guess I didn't think about how my expressions could be causing disrespect.  Oh...and my look probably looks something like this:

 

       Or      

 

Probably given after he swears up and down that we have no ketchup and I have to get up and grab the ketchup that is right in front of his face.  Insert eye roll...crap!  I did it again:)

Sunday Funnies

Have a great Sunday everyone!  Here are some Sunday Funnies:)

As I watched Chelsea beat Arsenal this morning in the snow, I became very thankful for my awesome weather.  Those poor guys lips were blue!

In honor of my British, Canadian, and Russian friends, from someone who would have no idea what to do if it looked like this outside my window.

This man seems to have misplaced his man card.  Can someone please help him find it?  I really hope this was a joke:

I 100% agree with the following messages:

 

What Have I Learned?

What have I learned?  If you want, you can read the past week's posts or I can sum it up for you right here...

 

I had no idea when I started this week...a)if this would even work, b)where I was going, and c)what I would learn.  Doesn't that pretty much describe life in general...it doesn't come with a road map or even a list of to dos...we might try to plan it all out, but it has a way of happening the way it wants to.

 

"All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost.

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost."

J.R.R. Tolkien

 

Today's song:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for bearing with me as I psychoanalyzed myself this week...Thank you for your comments and support...you helped me to see where I was being stubborn...you helped me process and I could not have done it without you.  Here is what I have taken away from it:

 

I am worthy of love and acceptance, but I must first love and accept myself.

 

There is no such thing as a perfect parent and no matter how much I try, I will make mistakes.  I am terrified by this but if I try to control everything and protect them from everything in this world then I will keep them from learning lessons that they may need when they are older.

 

I learned when I was young not to depend on anyone else and that if I did not control a situation then life hurt too much and it was better if I numb my feelings.  I need to learn that if I am numb then I cannot experience the good feelings either.

 

Being real is hard.  It is uncomfortable and could be dangerous, but there is growth there.  I need to trust more.

 

When things are hard, I stuff the bad feelings...I need to learn to let go.

 

If life hadn't occurred the way it had, I wouldn't be where I am at.  We wouldn't be who we are without the trials and triumphs of our past.

 

 We do not live in a vacuum and we effect those around us whether we want to or not.

 

Now I know better...one of the ways my husband shows and receives his love is with sex...if I reject it...I reject him.

 

My husband's needs are not the same as mine.

 

Sometimes you need to hear something over and over before you accept it as truth.

 

                                      Growth hurts.

 

Wandering around doesn't mean you are lost...sometimes the lessons are in the wandering.

 

Trust is difficult for me. 

 

I have an unhealthy fear of failure.

 

                                                 God loves me.

 



I have forgiven others...I thought that I needed to forgive myself, but I think that I need to accept myself, accept what was and leave it.

 

I think my control comes from fear.  Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of unmet needs, fear of rejection, fear of pain.  This is why I was stuck:

 

Guilt is the rope that I use to drag this emotional baggage with me.  This shit is heavy.  Leaving it behind does not change me, I can remember what I learned without dragging this crap around, but I have to let go of the guilt.  Letting it go doesn't mean that I wasn't sorry or that I will forget the lessons.  I can take the lessons with me and leave the rest behind.  I need to release myself from the guilt.

 

 

Do we share with those about to embark on their lives together or do they have to figure it out for themselves?

 

 

Marriage is not a destination, but a journey.  You may have a whole ocean of problems to face, but

 

if you do it together.

 

I love you Levi.

Where are they now?

If you have a while...you can catch up with my train of thought here, here, and here.  The following is one of my favorite inspirational quotes.

 

"The most beautiful stones

have been tossed by the wind

and washed by the waters

and polished to brilliance

by life's strongest storms."

 

 

Today's song:

 

 

 

You know all the cliches...whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger...trials build character...etc.  As annoying as they can be sometimes...they can be true.  But you have to make the choice to see the positive out of the negative, you have to let go of bitterness.  I thought I was done writing on yesterday's subject of infidelity, but some comments and emails have touched me in a way that I felt like I had to share a little more before going on.

 

I do not want you to get the impression that "fixing" our marriage was or is an easy thing.  It is a war...one that we still fight..it's just now we do it together.  We protect our marriage from the enemy and God guides us on our journey. 

It took a year of therapy to move past the big hurdle and being able to move forward instead of standing still.  It took a few years after that to really be able to heal completely.  I imagine it is like grieving...I had to mourn what I thought our marriage should have been and accept what it was...not that it is bad...in contrast, it is better than before.

 

But mourning takes time.

We are so much closer now than we were before going through all of that.  Our relationship was so much better and I had no idea that it could be even better than that, but that is what has happened as I have learned to surrender.  I was still controlling after the infidelity...I still didn't see it as that...I truly thought I was helping.  But since I started this most recent journey we have grown even closer...I didn't even think that that was possible.  We have a long way to go...I still have issues giving up control and he is still learning to be the leader that I need him to be.  And God is still guiding us.

 

I am always looking for ways to make our marriage better...I'm handing him back the pants, being less of a cactus and I got stuck.  I couldn't move past something and I still don't know exactly what it is.  So thanks for riding along with me this week as I got my zipper unstuck and went back a little to try to move forward again.  I was going to write about something completely different today and this is what came out.  Tomorrow I will share with you the revelations I have had this week. 

 

I think it is amazing to read each other's stories and see the similarities in the struggle of life and marriage.  I had a couple of miscarriages in between kiddos and felt very alone.  I shared my pain in a mom's group I was in and was amazed when almost half the women in the room had had one and knew what it felt like and made me feel better just by knowing that I wasn't alone and by seeing that someone else had been through it and made it to the "other side". 

 

Isn't that what we do for each other...my story is not really all that special, is it?  We can be real here in blogland and maybe learn something from each other.  We don't live in a vacuum, do we? We have an effect on people whether we want to or not.  I hope that I am honest, real, and leave a positive effect here.  I hope that I learn to open myself up more in the real world too.

 

 

 

There are other people out there whose stones are more polished than mine, but isn't that what makes them beautiful...they aren't the same, but they sit in the same riverbed together.  They are all different colors and shapes. Some have dents or cracks. Some are still very rough around the edges and still more show the scars of their experience; but they all endure the constant flow of life and circumstance around them...together.  They are not alone. 

 

Tomorrow's post: What Have I Learned?

The Results of Saying No, When I Should be Saying Yes

This process has been very interesting so far...if you want to read how I got here you can read it here and here.  I have learned so much in just two days...I thought about sharing with you now as I have had a few revelations, but I think that I will wait until Friday when I am finished with the little trip down memory lane and share them all at once. 

Have you ever heard that sometimes things get worse before they get better?  Well, hold on to your hats.

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.
Dumbledore (J.K. Rowling)

Here is the song for this week:

When you are a little girl...you dream about finding the love of your life and living happily ever after...well, I am very good at dreaming...but dreams are not reality are they. 

I am with the love of my life, but I am not in a fairy tale.  I don't get to live forever happy in a castle far, far away.  I get to push around a vacuum in a four bedroom with three kids, two cars, and a dog.  And that makes me happy, sad, mad, frustrated, tired, hurt, and every other emotion under the sun. And it brings me great joy.  But I am getting ahead of myself...aren't I.

Levi and I met in college and a few years later, we married.  Things started out ok in every way except the bedroom.  I turned him down...a lot.  No one took me aside early in my marriage and told me that this was a need that my husband had that only I could fulfill...that this would bring us closer and keep us there.  I look back now and think...how could I not have known?  I think that I turned him down in order to protect myself...I love him so much that I wanted to keep my heart a little bit protected so that he could never hurt it.  In essence, I helped cause just the opposite.  In hindsight...I had also started to control...all in the name of improvement...wouldn't it be better if you did this, there is a much better way to do that, etc.  I seriously thought I was helping and instead I was tearing down my husband and his confidence...again 20/20 and all that.

I never thought that infidelity would happen to me...that only happened to other people.  Levi would never do that and if he did, there is no way I would stay.  These were thoughts I actually had, but until it happens...you have absolutely no way to determine how you would act.

Months after the birth of our first child, after we had been married about four years, Levi was tempted by someone we knew and made a huge mistake.  He came to me soon after and told me what he had done and I told him he should leave.  I kept thinking that it was some horrible joke, but he said ok and that he would go to a friends.  I stood, frozen for several minutes and then collapsed to the floor.  It was like a rug that I did not even know existed was pulled out from under me, a dream lost, a fairy tale ended.  A hole kept expanding in my heart...empty, and every emotion that I had stuffed deep inside was pushed out.  Our baby was playing happily in the corner.

Hurt

Anger

Failure

Fear

Pain that I cannot even describe to you.  I really think now that it was that this pain pushed every emotion that I had numbed for so long to the surface.  I was dealing with them all at once.  It was truly the worst day of my life. 

I begged God to tell me what to do...I just didn't know what to do...and my sweet, baby boy crawled his way over to me...he thought I was playing...and I said ok God.  It took months of therapy to decide whether or not we would stay married...I wanted to cling to this idea that if he cheated that I had to leave.  I can only tell you that I know that God didn't want me to. He guided me. 

He knew that what did not tear us apart would make us stronger.  I thought that if Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, then that was it...all those kings horses and men couldn't put him back together.  God can put anything back together and make it better than it was.

You can disagree with me until you are blue in the face...that's okay...you are entitled to your opinion, but I saw God.  No, not in the physical sense...you don't have to check me for fever.  I am not suffering from hallucinations.  I saw God in the spiritual and emotional sense.  I was raised Christian, I accepted Jesus, I was baptised, confirmed, married in the church, blah, blah.  But it took this for me to feel him.

 

Phillipians 4:6-7 Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, that transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The thing is, and you may think that I am crazy for saying this, but I wonder if I needed it.  Do not get me wrong...I do not think that God caused it, but I do think that we are to learn something in the trials that he allows to occur.  Was it my wake up call?  Was it a way to understand that if I did not work hard and connect with Levi in every way that I would have lost him anyway?  Was it a way to end the idea that life was going to be hunky dory all the time because I was living in some fairy tale? Was it a way to make me realize that no matter how much control I thought I had...I could not control everything?  Where would our marriage have been without it?

Jeremiah 29:11 For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for you harm, to give you a future with hope.

Now, before you freak out and think that I am making this all my fault...do not fret...Levi has to live with the poor choices he made.  Should he have come to me and told me that something was seriously wrong...yes.  Would I have listened?  I honestly couldn't tell you.  I have long since forgiven him and I hope that he has forgiven himself.

A little side note here that I have since learned that I cannot take the pill...any of them.  It takes away any libido whatsoever.  So we had this going against us too...I thought something was wrong with me and it turns out that I have a very healthy, normal libido as long as I am off the pill.  Just a thought...if you find yourself in similar circumstances...check your medications.  Men often have issues with medications...why wouldn't we?

I want you to know that I am feeling a strange sense of acceptance right now.  I had no idea where this week would take me...I knew I would be sharing things with you that most people do not know.  I wasn't exactly sure why I needed to, but I did.  I am glad that I did...so I do not want you to worry for me...I am feeling such happiness right now.  I am not even sure that any of this is making sense...I just feel like I need to write, check for spelling, and hit publish...(before I chicken out)...so I apologize if this isn't flowing well:)

Tomorrow's post...Continued...Where are they now?

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

If you missed the first part of this series on my control issues...you can read it here. 

"The child is grown.  The dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

 

Have you ever gotten a zipper stuck?  So what do you do?...you pull and pull some more...when that doesn't work, then you go backwards, right?...just a little...so that you can go forwards again.  You have to expose a little and then you hold the pieces of material together and scoot that zipper up little by little until it is up all the way.  I know some of you are concerned that I am going to dwell too long in the past, but I wanted to put your fears to rest...my zipper is stuck.  So I am just going back a little...pulling the pieces together so I can pull my zipper all the way up.

Here is the song for today:

Now we arrive in the teen years with Daddy issues. 

If you are male and you are reading this...please, please NEVER allow anyone to discount the importance your parenting role is in the life of your child, especially your daughters.  I cannot stress to you how important it is in ALL stages of your child's life.  Society will tell you that kids don't need dads.  Do not listen to that.  There are times that women and men have to go it alone...don't get me wrong, a mother's role is equally important, but if you think about it...no one is going around saying that kids don't need moms.  Ok, I will get off my soapbox now:)

Where were we...oh, yeah, teen years...Daddy issues...can you see where this is going?

This is the part where things get painful.  I am actually tearing up as I write this...why?  I forgave my parents their mistakes a long time ago, but forgiving your own is not so easy.  I wanted to be real somewhere safe so that I can be more real in real life.  I figure since this is making me extremely uncomfortable then I am headed in the right direction...

I lost my virginity at 14.  I am not proud of it.  In fact, it still brings me much shame when I think of it.  I was old enough that I should have known better.  If I could tell my young self one thing, it would be to wait.  That's it...and to impart that I was worth waiting for.  He paid attention to me...he wanted me...but, I was wrong.  He didn't want "me"...or not in the way that I thought.  Naivety plus Daddy issues is never a good idea.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't forced, it just did not make me feel the way that I thought it would and it was too late to take it back.  I didn't know it at the time, but I was looking for love and male attention that I missed growing up.  I did not know that this wasn't it. So I kept trying to find it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't end there.  I wish that it did, but I continually looked for love in ALL the wrong places.  A male friend told me that it was because I looked so innocent.  Thanks, what the hell is that supposed to mean.  What is funny is that I was usually the one that broke it off.  Probably because I realized that nope, that didn't fill my need either.  My parents could tell that something was wrong and it was more than just teenage angst, so being the great parents they were they sent me to therapy.  My therapist commented that he thought he should be seeing my Dad.  Anyone surprised? 

This is when things started to change.  My parents both began to pay attention to me and we would spend more quality time as a family.  If they hadn't cared, if they had ignored the mounting issues...I can imagine some awful turns my life could have taken.   We had always gone to church, but it took on more meaning now.  My dad quit smoking, and I would like to say that he quit drinking, but he did lessen it.  We started to eat dinner at the table together instead of in front of the television.

So, I somehow manage to graduate in the top 15% of my class and get accepted into college.  Considering that grades and school weren't all that important to me during high school...I was impressed.  I can't imagine what I could have done if I had actually tried.  Shaking head...c'est la vie.  So things were better at home and you would have thought that I would be over my Daddy issues.  I was really good at hiding...no one knew of the pain I carried...I wouldn't allow them to see.  I also now had the freedom to be stupid.  My parents had been so strict and worried over me in high school that I was quite sheltered.  (confusing since I was apparently able to get into some trouble) 

Now I can smoke and drink, and since I attended a school with 50,000+ students, I could find plenty of trouble.  I continued looking for love in all the wrong places.  I get very irritated with some (not all) of the Game blogs...the ones that basically call women sluts to conquer.  Should I have said no...yes.  Does it make me a slut?...I suppose it depends on your definition.  Did I have sex with some ridiculous number? No.  But any more than Levi makes me feel awful.  See, I read some of those blogs and think...they could be talking about me...I had somehow mixed up love and attention with sex.  And I feel sorry for the girls they are talking about...because maybe they are making those same mistakes that I made.  (I do realize that there may be some women and men out there who really feel like sex with whoever they want is fine...I am not speaking of those people...they make their choices based on something else)

I met Levi my senior year and fell in love...head over heels and fast...he was the same. We graduate, and a few years later we get married.  So, now I enter my marriage with semi-resolved Daddy issues and now I have sex issues...because of the enormous guilt and low self worth that I feel deep inside...and it is deep.  I have learned to hide things better than a dog with a bone.  It is so deep that the choices I begin to make are completely subconscious.  I have learned to say no....seriously, wth?  Now, I am married and saying no...freaking backwards...but now, I am getting into tomorrow's issues...

Tomorrow's post: The Results of Saying No, When I should be Saying Yes

The Source

I have been putting this post off for long enough.  I have talked before about my need to control my environment to feel safe and how that effects the people around me.  I have talked about how relinquishing control has made me feel irrational fear.  I have not talked about where my control comes from.  What is it's or was it's source?  Why is it such a difficult habit to break? 

"Women feel the need to control because they fear that if they don't take matters into their own hands, their needs will go unmet."
Laura Doyle-"The Surrendered Wife"

There is probably no way that I can cover this subject in one post...for one, it would be ridiculous long.  For another, I think I need to deal with these things one at a time...peeling back the layers like an onion.  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or worry for me...my life truly is wonderful, but I know that it can be better if I would learn to give up some of this unhealthy control (FYI for those of you just joining me...I am not talking about letting someone else control me...I am talking about trying to control every detail of my life, including the way others' do things, to feel safe.)

I would like to share a song with you for each post on this subject...I love music and it will help express my thoughts.  To me, music is the words of our soul...(I am pretty sure that someone famous probably said that and I could not for the life of me find it...)

So, where do we always start...yes, you guessed it...childhood.  Wow, if you don't want to stick around while a psychoanalyze myself...it's all good...but this is my blog...and I need this, for me.  Maybe someone else needs it too.  I should start by saying that I am not going to blame my childhood...that's so cliche, isn't it? Only I can change my habits and the way that I behave.  But I do think it is very helpful to know where to start and why you are the way you are.

 

When I was a young child, say under 7 or so...I had no fear.  I had no walls...life was good.  We had a lovely home, I had siblings and both my parents.  Now, I won't say that everything was always butterflies and meadows, in fact my parents had some major issues during this time, but I did not notice.  Life was normal.  I was Daddy's Little Girl.

Right around 7 or 8 children begin to notice things that they have previously been oblivious to.  I began to notice my father's drinking.  It didn't help that I was now old enough to make his drink for him, which he daily had me do.  He was an alcoholic.  When he got home from work he would sit in his easy chair watching tv, chain smoking, and drinking until it was time to go to bed.  Whiskey and water...light on the water.  My childhood memories of this time are seriously him in a recliner with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other.

 

Now, I want to reassure you that we were lucky in one sense...he was not an abusive alcoholic...unlike his own upbringing.  He probably thought and was correct in that he was better than his own parents had been.  He also was a workaholic.  The time he actually spent on the easy chair was not actually all that long.  He left for work before we were up and often did not come home until an hour before bedtime.

He just...checked out.  He did not notice us, unless of course we were standing in front of the television.  Then it was, "You make a better door, than a window."

I am not supposing that I am special in this regard.  My story is fairly textbook, as they say.  I know too many friends with similar stories to think otherwise.  My mother enabled the drinking and made excuses...she still makes excuses for her past enabling behavior.

I remember one time in particular that stands out in my mind.  I was probably somewhere between 8-10.  My father had had a particularly bad day.  He had had three whiskey and waters in a very short amount of time and was slurring his words.  He asked me to make him another drink and with my brave little face I told him that I didn't think he needed anymore.  My mother whom was sitting beside him told me that I should go make my father a drink and gave the "he works all day for us" reason.  I made him his drink and made it very, very weak.  (I was something of a pistol:))  I was sent to my room for the rest of the night.

I wasn't beaten, they didn't name call.  But when I look back on incidents like this, I wonder what kind of effect it had on me...when I tried to do what was right, someone else stepped in to defend him...what about me...where was my defense?  Then I got the guilt trip on top of it.  I also began to "protect" or "defend" my siblings.  I was not the oldest, but I think it was my personality...I wanted to conquer the world at this age, feed the hungry, protect the innocent, etc. etc.  I knew that I was not being defended and neither were they...so I did it for them. 

Right around the time when a little girl blossoms...I guess around 12-14, my dad had to work out of the country for a year.  We saw him twice that year...keep in mind this is before the time of cell phones, skype, and email.  We were able to call him only once per week because the phone bills were outrageous. 

When he left, I was a little girl...when he got back however, I was a teenager.  He regrets this and mentions it occasionally to this day.  He missed it, he says. 

The problem is that while he was gone and due to the constant checking out he had done before...I was defiant and didn't want to listen to him or my mother for that matter.  Part of that is of course normal teenage testing, but part of it was the beginning of my walls.  It was like..."Oh now, you want to notice me...it's a little late for that people!"

 

Sometimes I feel like my heart is the Secret Garden...when you find it, beauty awaits you.  But I am not sure where I buried the key.

 

Next Post:  Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

 

(Just so you know...although I will probably cover this again later this week...my parents love me.  I love my parents.  My father no longer smokes and drinks much less.  He has only one or two when we are around and it is usually wine with dinner. Some days he has none at all.)

Friday Free For All

Feeling a little feisty on this fabulous Friday:) 

Okay...that is all I got for alliteration.  Sometimes there are things that come up in life that I am curious how others feel on the subject.  I was talking to a friend today...and the subject of faking it came up. 

I received advice from my Grandmother right before getting married to Levi about never faking it...yes, I said my grandmother...yes, she is the coolest, best, most amazing grandmother ever.  So, I have never faked it with Levi...ever.  My grandmother has never steered me wrong:)

There are times though that I know that I am not....shall we say..."getting there".  It may be stress, not enough warm up, kids making noise in another part of the house, etc.  That's okay with me...sometimes it's all about Levi, (hey, I am enjoying myself) but this bothers him sometimes.  He wants me to "get there"...I have even thought about faking it...but I never have.  It just feels wrong somehow...like I am lying to him.

Anyway...I am curious...To Fake or not to fake...that is the question.

I have rules if you want to give your opinion on this question:
1. No Judging
2. Give your opinion...do not dog someone else's
3. Be Honest
4. Be Nice

So, What do you think?

Almost There



 

 

 

Well, it is almost time for Levi to start his new position...and this is how we feel.  We have been trucking uphill for the last few months waiting to here the news and details and this is where we find ourselves at this moment. 

 

Imagine yourself here...anticipation, anxiety, fear, waiting for the inevitable...hoping this ride is worth the long wait.

 

I would rather get past this rather stomach turning part and on to the good stuff.  I am prepared...or as prepared as I am going to be (considering I have family coming in town this weekend for my middle and youngest's birthday).   

 

 This past week has not been a good one for either of us...we are both stressed, worried about the future and I am at a loss.  I am trying to be strong for him, reassure him that everything is going to be alright, that he is going to rock this new position.  But then I feel like I am hiding from him...hiding my fears, my worries, my stress...which leads to a wall between us.  I don't want to dump on him...especially now when he is so stressed out.

 

Where are the intimate moments between us...the ones where we see each other clearly, the ones where we feel close and joyful?

 

How can I be strong and not control everything and everyone and build up those walls of protection?

 

We shall see what the following weeks look like...do they like this?

 

 

or this?

 

 

 

oh, just tell me when it's over!

 

 

Until then...what are some ways that you help each other when one or the other of you is stressed out?  I will take all the help I can get:)  We made a plan that will ensure that we spend quality time together as a family, that we each get time alone, that he has something that will help him with his commute, etc...but I am afraid the next few weeks will be stressful anyway as we all adjust. 

 

Because I am trying to tear these stupid walls down, I am rather sensitive and have had my feelings hurt a lot this week.  He is on edge and we have not been connecting.  I would like to think that our next few weeks will look like this:

 

 

But, really...

 

I am a realist...

 

what kind of ride is this?