What Have I Learned?

What have I learned?  If you want, you can read the past week's posts or I can sum it up for you right here...

 

I had no idea when I started this week...a)if this would even work, b)where I was going, and c)what I would learn.  Doesn't that pretty much describe life in general...it doesn't come with a road map or even a list of to dos...we might try to plan it all out, but it has a way of happening the way it wants to.

 

"All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost.

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost."

J.R.R. Tolkien

 

Today's song:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for bearing with me as I psychoanalyzed myself this week...Thank you for your comments and support...you helped me to see where I was being stubborn...you helped me process and I could not have done it without you.  Here is what I have taken away from it:

 

I am worthy of love and acceptance, but I must first love and accept myself.

 

There is no such thing as a perfect parent and no matter how much I try, I will make mistakes.  I am terrified by this but if I try to control everything and protect them from everything in this world then I will keep them from learning lessons that they may need when they are older.

 

I learned when I was young not to depend on anyone else and that if I did not control a situation then life hurt too much and it was better if I numb my feelings.  I need to learn that if I am numb then I cannot experience the good feelings either.

 

Being real is hard.  It is uncomfortable and could be dangerous, but there is growth there.  I need to trust more.

 

When things are hard, I stuff the bad feelings...I need to learn to let go.

 

If life hadn't occurred the way it had, I wouldn't be where I am at.  We wouldn't be who we are without the trials and triumphs of our past.

 

 We do not live in a vacuum and we effect those around us whether we want to or not.

 

Now I know better...one of the ways my husband shows and receives his love is with sex...if I reject it...I reject him.

 

My husband's needs are not the same as mine.

 

Sometimes you need to hear something over and over before you accept it as truth.

 

                                      Growth hurts.

 

Wandering around doesn't mean you are lost...sometimes the lessons are in the wandering.

 

Trust is difficult for me. 

 

I have an unhealthy fear of failure.

 

                                                 God loves me.

 



I have forgiven others...I thought that I needed to forgive myself, but I think that I need to accept myself, accept what was and leave it.

 

I think my control comes from fear.  Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of unmet needs, fear of rejection, fear of pain.  This is why I was stuck:

 

Guilt is the rope that I use to drag this emotional baggage with me.  This shit is heavy.  Leaving it behind does not change me, I can remember what I learned without dragging this crap around, but I have to let go of the guilt.  Letting it go doesn't mean that I wasn't sorry or that I will forget the lessons.  I can take the lessons with me and leave the rest behind.  I need to release myself from the guilt.

 

 

Do we share with those about to embark on their lives together or do they have to figure it out for themselves?

 

 

Marriage is not a destination, but a journey.  You may have a whole ocean of problems to face, but

 

if you do it together.

 

I love you Levi.