Finding the Words

 

So a few things have happened over the past few days that have been a learning experience for me.  Although I can't say that I have learned much because I still don't exactly know what to do.  I feel like I am in one of those social situations where you don't know anyone and you are unsure of the reaction of others, which is strange because I obviously know my husband. Awkward.  Or it's like showing up to a costume party with no costume or worse, showing up in a costume to a non costume party. Toga! uh, oops. Awkward. 

 

I am trying to learn to think before I speak to my husband.  Problem is...I have no idea what to say...especially when he has done something that upsets me.  This chick looks annoyingly happy.

We had an opportunity, through his work, to go to someplace very cool for very cheap.  Unfortunately, he dropped the ball and didn't turn his name in in time.  He texted me to let me know and I said: bummer.  I then asked a few blogger friends what to do cause I was spitting mad.  My typical response would have been hurtful..."Thanks a lot" or "Great, thanks.", etc.  I am obviously trying to be less hurtful to my husband.  I got some great advice...He likely knows how disappointed he has made you...would it help if you said anything? Or did these wonderful people know what I was starting to realize...I would have been saying something just to be hurtful because I was hurt.  I was hurt that he didn't make it a priority.  I was hurt because he knows that we can't afford to go to places like this and he dropped the ball.  The thing is he got home and I could tell that he was upset.  He was talking about all these little things that he hasn't had time to do because things have been so busy.  He apologized for messing up and I said, "It's okay, maybe next time." 

I had asked him if he could text or email a little during the day...nothing big...just a little hi to let me know he was thinking of me.  I told him I thought it would help us stay connected since we don't get to spend much time together during the week.  He hasn't done that and a friend suggested that I should do it first...show him what I mean.  So, I have sent him a few texts or emails and tried to make them short and letting him know how proud I am of him.  Nothing.  I KNOW he is busy...but he can't respond?  I am a little frustrated by that. Just..."I love you too"...and I am talking like once every couple of days people...not every hour.

 

Last night we had practice, so I emailed him to remind him that we likely wouldn't be home when he got home and let him know where dinner was.  I didn't hear anything back and we headed off to practice.  We got home and he still wasn't there...no biggie...must have been a long day.  He calls at 7:45 and says he is still 20-30 minutes away.  Ok sweetheart...do you want me to warm up dinner for you?  He said no, it actually worked out really well that you had practice cause there was this bowling thing after work today and the boss really wanted me to go.  I wish I could describe his tone to you...it was like he was walking on eggshells.  The thing is...that just made me mad.  When he got home he was telling me that he had a great time.  He got a text from them that someone had beaten his score...I said you know, you could have stayed...you could have texted me to let me know and that way I wouldn't worry or think you were hiding it.  Now don't get me wrong...he doesn't have to call to ask permission.  I just would have appreciated if he had even let me know.

 

Instead he acted like I was going to blow up when I have told him repeatedly the last few weeks that he should schedule some "fun" time for him.  I was getting upset because he thought I would be upset.  I know...it doesn't make much sense to me either.  I am glad that he got to go out and get to know his new coworkers.  I wish he had been more sure of himself...does that make sense?  He probably thought that I was mad that he went...not the case...just upset that he would blame his boss, not just tell me beforehand...like he had to hide it, act like it was serendipitous that we had practice anyway (he wouldn't have been home for practice anyway), and be all better tell her gently or she might explode.  I might have exploded but it wouldn't have been for the reason he thought...everything he was doing was making it worse.

                    

I realize that these are little problems; that really they are insignificant in the big picture.  But they don't feel that way and they make me feel uncomfortable for feeling them.  I DON'T LIKE the way that I am feeling, but I can't seem to change it.  So...what happened this morning?  The world's fastest pmsing mason fixed the hole, for now.  It's easier right now not to say anything, not to share.  I didn't say healthier...just easier.

She Let Him Lead

Firstly, I have to say thank you.  I hit a blogger milestone...even though this blog is for me, I am happy that other people read it.  I finally reached 10,000 views...a small number for some of you, but I am very pleased:)

Secondly, we have six weeks of the long commute behind us and I think we have hit our groove.  I don't want to say too much or I might eat my words next week, but I am feeling better about where we are at.  Although, at the rate our house fixin' up is going, we might not be ready to sell for months.  Having to chase after three kids, keep up with the house and completing a project as simple as cleaning out a closet and painting it shouldn't take you a week, but it is what it is.

Thirdly, I am going to share a moment of our weekend in the third person.  Why?  Well, because I am turning pink even thinking about it, so here goes:

She returned home from the movie and her husband was sitting on the couch.  He was wearing jeans, no shirt, and was barefoot.  He revealed his sexy smirk and said, "Hey babe." 

"Hi," she said back.  They spoke briefly about the movie and he went about locking the house up for the night.  She went to get ready for bed, knowing that she might as well not put on her pajamas yet.  The air was thick with longing.  She knew what he wanted and she wanted it too.

He came into the room to her lounging on the bed.  She was a little nervous about the way he was looking at her...like he wanted to eat her up.  She wasn't completely comfortable with her body on display either.  Three children and age have a way of changing your body forever.  He appeared not to notice as he stared and took her in and removed his jeans.  He came to the edge of the bed and began with little kisses at her toes, her ankles, the inside of her knees.  She thought she knew what he was aiming for, but he moved on to place kisses on her hip bone, her belly button, a chaste kiss on each breast and then her neck.

By the time he took her mouth she was wet and ready.  He felt the change as well, and worked his way back down her body.  The kisses more intense.  He spent time pleasuring her and she was squirming in anticipation.  He moved quickly to allow her access to pleasure him and she took him in her mouth greedily while he sucked and licked her. It felt like he was touching her everywhere and she could feel herself getting warmer and warmer while she had absolute focus on him.

He worked his way backwards until he was kissing her deeply and then whispered, "Roll over."

She did as she was told and he proceeded to land a couple of playful swats on her behind.  A mournful moan came from the edge of the bed.  Oops, forgot to put the dog out of the room. 

He sent the dog away and when he returned he placed a pillow under her and began teasing her.  She could not see what he was doing and did not know when he was going to deliver a sharp smack, or play with her with his fingers, or kiss her and he kept at it, never following a pattern, always keeping her guessing.

After a last light smack, he slid easily home and began to torment her further with slow strokes.  She began to push back urging him silently to go faster.

"Tell me." he growled in her ear.

"Faster." she whispered and buried her face in the covers and held the edge of the bed as he acquiesced to her request.  He continued relentlessly and kissed the back of her neck, played with her nipples and praised her, praised her body.

He rolled her over and sat on his knees in front of her and slid easily home again.  She felt bolder now and grabbed his hand, sucked his thumb, and placed it where she wanted him to touch her.  He did not cooperate, but held his hand just above and said, "Tell me what you want."

Inside she thought...you know good and well what I want, but she meekly said, "Touch me."

He was not going to let her get off that easily, "How?"

He never stopped moving.  How was she supposed to think let alone speak.  "Circle it, please," she let out on a tormented whisper.

He finally relented and she tried to tell him just what she wanted.  Faster, slower, harder, softer.

He pulled away and laid back, "Come here," he demanded.

She happily complied, rose above him, and brought them both to heaven.

Laying there, entwined in the afterglow, he said, "Babe, you are incredible.  We just get better and better.  What have you changed?"

As she layed there with her head on his chest, playing with the hair on his belly, she said, "Hmmm, I don't know, but you aren't so bad yourself."  He couldn't see the small smile on her face.

She had lied.  She did know.  The only thing she changed was that now...

She let him lead.

As she heard his breathing change and could tell that he was asleep she lifted her head to look into her dear husband's face, thanked God for everything that lead her here, layed her head back on his chest and fell into a peaceful sleep.

Multiple Personalities

I have read a couple of blogs here lately where they describe the results of their Myers-Briggs Test.  If you have never taken the Myers-Briggs, which most people have at one time or another, it can be quite eye-opening or it could just be a good neck exercise from nodding so much.  NightSkyRadio and Delightful both shared their results. 

I have a problem...I must have multiple personalities:) I am totally kidding by the way..no need for concern here..just one me.  I know you all feel much safer now:)

I know in high school when I took this for career counseling that I was the "Protector" personality.  In college, when I took it for a class I was the "Supporter" personality.  So I took the test the other day...mind you I think it was a shortened test but my result was the "Confidant" personality.  So last night I took it again to show Levi and instead scored the "Mentor" personality with only a change in 5% between two indicators.  So I have concluded that I must have multiple personalities.  But don't we all:)

 

Some things change...some thing stay the same.

Some very interesting observations from my personality tests:

All my personalities fit in with the protectors or the visionaries.
My feeling and judging scores do not change (thinking and perceiving apparently not my thing)
My extroverted and introverted scores change with my sensing and intuition scores
When I read these four personalities I can see myself in each of them
I don't see much of myself in the other 12 personalities
Counselor is a suggested career choice in every one of my personalities which is what I have always wanted to do.
My personality has "changed" depending on my life stage, experience, and mood. (not surprising)

Some shortened descriptions:

ISFJ - Protector or Defender

make decisions with their heart, gentle and empathetic, warm and caring, strongly dislike conflict, get satisfaction from closure, dependable and trustworthy, treat others with respect, work well when they know what is expected, dislike change, takes criticism personally, can neglect their own needs, good at listening, eager to serve, good at handling money, loyal, trustworthy, cherish deep connections and seek lifelong friendships, have a hard time standing up for themselves, responsible

ESFJ - Supporter

practical, realistic, social, responsible, take comfort in routine, focus on their family and close friends, love people and bringing them together, likable, willing to make sacrifices to benefit others, dislike change, focused on other people's needs, excellent money management, service oriented, honors commitments, takes the blame for others, interested in how others see them, has trouble with conflict, likes to create a warm and friendly environment for all, share themselves freely and generously, structured, seek closure, approachable

INFJ - Confidant/Counselor

devoted, focused, empathetic, defines love in terms of emotional intimacy and shared values, great need for connection, long to be known and understood, love to learn, whole existence is wrapped around growth, interested in theoretical and abstract concepts that can be applied to people and relationships, has trouble with conflict, difficulty receiving criticism, holds back, good listener, good verbal and written communication skills, honors commitments, insightful, understanding, peace-loving, independent

ENFJ - Mentor/Teacher

relationships are at the center of their life, idealistic, care about establishing meaningful connection, greatest desire is to praise, nurture and understand, protective of people they love, like to bring out the best in others, inspire others to learn and grow, seek reconciliation and healing in conflict, thrive while helping others, blames self when things go wrong, can harbour hurt feelings, can read others motives and feelings with accuracy, loyal, honors commitments, excellent communication skills, get bored with too many details, thought process is abstract and focused on possibilities

So what's yours?  Today that is?:) You can take it here.

 

Thankful for Bas

Our song:)  I love your HOH comments and ideas Bas and although you have not commented here in Bealand before:), I love reading your blog and you always have a way of making people smile.  And everytime I hear our song it makes me think of you across the pond:)

Face Time

I think he finally gets it.  I just want time...face time...time where we aren't fussing at kids, completing a project, talking about money or kid issues.  I want time where we are alone and can just talk...about anything.  Time that I have his undivided attention, time that he cares about what I am saying and isn't more interested in the game on television.  Time where we can laugh or cry.  Time when I can share a problem or listen to one of his.  That is what I have been missing for the last few weeks...TIME.

I was very excited because we were supposed to have an awesome date this weekend.  Unfortunately, it did not work out the way either of us wanted.  The thing is we were having this nice dinner and I was willing to move past the disappointment of our changed plans, but he just couldn't let it go.  I told him that I was having  a blast and that it didn't matter what we did, but he just kept harping on it.  I tried to change the subject, be upbeat, and joke around in a sexy way...he just kept going back to it.  I kept thinking that if I thought the words loud enough that he would just LET IT GO.

I was hurt.  I tried not to let it bother me, but it felt like because he didn't get to do what he wanted that it wasn't enough just to be with me.  And I just snapped.  We were on our way back to pick up the kids and I just couldn't listen to it anymore.  I would have been fine knowing he was upset, but it was pretty much all he talked about the whole night.  After his moody date last weekend, our Valentine's Day and this date...I had just had ENOUGH!

"Was it not enough that we had a nice dinner.  I was trying to have fun and I think I would have been able to if you hadn't complained the entire time about how you wish you had been doing something else!  How do you think that makes me feel?!  I just want the opportunity to be out with you...we wouldn't have to be doing anything!  I just want YOU!"

I will say that my voice was quite loud and I wasn't proud of totally losing my temper, but he got very quiet and then replied, "I ruined it didn't I, because I just couldn't let it go."  I wish that I had been able to explain it without hurting his feelings. But, HE GETS IT.

So, Sunday night after the kids got to bed we had:

face time

uninterrupted time

paying attention to only each other time

and we laughed

and we showed our love for each other

not in our words

but with our actions

we listened

we joked

we talked

we laughed

we planned

we had amazing CONNECTED sex

and it was EXACTLY what we needed

and he gets it

he understands that I just want TIME...FACE TIME with him

Because I LOVE HIM

and I don't care what we do

we could just sit at home like we did Sunday

curled up on the couch TOGETHER.

Notebook...take two

A while ago I tried to write in a notebook to help bridge a communication gap between Levi and myself.  You can read about it here.  Levi never wrote back in the notebook.  He thanked me for the letter, asked if we were ok, but that was about it.  So after a lackluster Valentine's day...I was looking forward to a little of this:

 

and instead got this:

 

I thought it might be time for take two of the notebook...we shall see if it works this time. 

 

Dear Levi,

Thank you so much for the beautiful flowers!  I thought we weren't getting each other anything...sneaky, you are! I hope you aren't upset that I didn't get you anything.  I know you have been so tired lately and wondered if there is something I haven't done that I can do for you.  I want to thank you for working so hard for us.  I am so proud of your sacrifice and how well you are doing.  I know this is hard and it is temporary, but I am looking forward to having you home more.  I miss you.  I don't want you to feel badly, I just don't want you to think we aren't missing you.

I know I have been trying to lose weight for a while and it has been a bit slow going.  I want to be healthy and look my best for you.  Thank you for your encouragement.

I am sorry if I have been a bit frustrated lately, but I am having trouble "being in charge" all week and then remembering to defer to you on the weekends.  I really do like when you take charge.  I am glad that you listen to my opinion, but I am happy that you make the decision even if I don't like the decision.

I wonder though sometimes if you would rather just go back to the way things were.  You seem so distant and I can't seem to reach you.  I hope that you will let me know what I can do to help us connect.

Love, Bea

Sexy or Not Sexy?

I was going to write something serious for Valentine's Day...maybe a love letter or something, but decided I would do something fun instead of forcing you all to listen to my sap.  So here are my views on sexiness:)  Sorry this is out so late...had a hot lunch date with Levi and my baby girl:)

                                       
                 Sexy                                                                    Not Sexy

 

I get very hot and bothered when Levi helps me around the house (in a good way)...don't get me wrong...he has to have relaxing time too...but if he did it all the time...we would have issues.



                                      
         Sexy                                                                      Not Sexy

 

Ok...so I may be alone on this one, but I feel like unless you live in Rio that you should where trunks not speedos...they just look like you are running around in your underwear.

 

 

 



                                                
Sexy                                                                              Not Sexy

 

This is my favorite outfit that Levi wears...the jeans and no shirt...not the elephant...if he wore that I don't think I could ever look at him the same again.  LOL!

 

 

 



                       
                          Sexy                                                             Not Sexy

Everything in moderation

 

 

                                          

Sexy                                                                          Not Sexy

 

Again...everything in moderation

 

 

 



                      
                   Sexy                                                                  Sexier

Men at play is hot...men at play with their kids is hotter:)

 

 

 



                              
                          Sexy                                                  Not Sexy

I appreciate a little hair...it is manly, mountain man is a whole other story.

 

 

 

            

                  Sexy                               Sexy                             Not Sexy

 

I am learning that I feel better if I wear sexy nightwear...I am still all about comfort, but I make sure that I don't look frumpy...and for Levi...I don't need anything crazy...what can I say...I like plaid boxers:)

 

            

         Sexy                                                                    Not Sexy

 

 



A few other things I find sexy:

 

The sexy smirk...Levi's is hotter, but you get the point.

 

 Sexy eyebrow raise...again Levi's is hotter, but something about knowing I might be in a little trouble...kind of hot:)

 

Something about "manly" chores (I know this sounds sexist...I once changed an alternator on my own...but traditionally men work on cars)...working on cars, mowing the lawn, fixing the roof...just yum:)

 

Well, hope you enjoyed my sexy post...I am sure that I am missing some, but if I want this post to actually be a Valentine's Day post then I need to hurry up and post it:)  What do you find sexy or not sexy?

 



What You Say?

Do you ever wonder why you aren't on the same page?

 

 

How often has the woman in your life said..."It's not what you say, but how you say it."?

How often has the man in your life said..."Say what you mean, and mean what you say."?

I am coming to realize that it is no wonder we can't seem to communicate with each other.  I am learning that when women communicate that we hear more than the words.  We hear the tone, we see the body language, and those things come before the words are spoken.  We assume intent.  Those assumptions can be wrong...especially when they are coming from our men.  Which is why we can communicate so much better with women.  If there is anything negative in the nonverbal cues...then we will assume the intent is negative and aimed at us.  It could be that they just had a bad day and have nothing to do with us.  It makes us more intuitive...why we can tell that our friend is having a bad day, but it also causes issues with spousal communication.
 

 

Men hear the words and then react.  At least in my experience.  If they notice the tone or body language it is one at a time and after their reaction, which is why so many men find themselves halfway into an argument without having any clue how they got there.  How often do you hear: "That is not what I meant...you are twisting my words around." from your man?  It often wasn't the words that we were reacting negatively and defensively too, but our assumptions about the feeling behind them.  The men in our life are dumbfounded and trying to figure out what the heck they said wrong.

I am getting examples of this with blogging.  When someone comments, you almost have to react to the words alone first....there is unfortunately no sarcasm font.  What is funny, as a woman, I am still looking at intent...trying to picture how they meant something and if they meant it in the way I initially took it, who is saying it and previous comments that they made are in the back of my mind.  I am assuming...see assuming over here, that men just take it at face value.

I think this makes me worry less about the words I am using and more about the other nuances in communication...facial expression, body language, tone of voice, whether or not the person is paying attention (ie facing me, busy doing something else, etc.).  But when speaking to my husband I need to be focusing on the words I choose to use.  Obviously he will react to my tone too if I am speaking in a witchy way, but I skip right over the words sometimes.

As I come to understand Levi and men more, I realize that some of the words I choose to use can be misconstrued quite easily as disrespectful.  I don't even mean them in that way... a bit of incidental disrespectfulness.

Here is an example:

Levi sometimes has to teach some continuing education classes at work...today the big boss was going to be in the audience.  He was a little nervous this morning...after another "connection" (I think we are trying to break some kind of record-I have told you that I am not a morning person...have I not?), he ran off to work and I could tell that it was weighing heavily on his mind.  I decided to send him a you can do it kind of text, just so he would know I was thinking of him.

I grab my phone and begin to type:
Good Luck today on your....

Well, maybe I shouldn't write good luck...luck has nothing to do with it...he knows what he is talking about and I want him to be confident...

Okay, Try again:
I hope that your....

Well, shit...that sounds like I am unsure of him...not very supportive.

Third time is a charm:
Have a great meeting!  You got this!

There...that is better.  What is funny is that if I had said it either of the other ways to a woman, we would have guessed the intent (based on the previous experience with the person) and not been offended.  Now, I don't know for sure that Levi would be offended, but he often says: say what you mean and mean what you say.  I need to be on the lookout for these things that I say and words that I choose to make sure that I am always lifting him up and not making him wonder how I really feel.

TGIM

Thank God It's Monday!!  If you make it through this entire post I will give you an award.  It might be kind of long.  It might not make sense.  But I need to put this weekend behind me, so I can focus on the week ahead.

 

Input

 

 

Levi actually gave me some priorities when it comes to the ridiculous number of projects that we have to accomplish in the coming months around the house.  I think I have said before, but want to clarify, that I don't need a daily list.  In fact, that would probably just piss me off.  But, I get irritated when I am the one who makes all the decisions without some sort of input.  I decide what bills to pay and how much, what things to get at the store, every meal planned, decisions with the kids, in charge of the social calendar etc.  I need input.  If I don't get input then I feel resentful, exhausted, unappreciated,  disconnected, etc.  Levi was going to have to work late Friday and go back to work Saturday until the afternoon.  I had to ask, but he did give me some input on what to start with.  He said, "I think you should finish the office...we have made great progress in there."

Shredding Therapy...(cheaper than real therapy)

So Saturday morning saw me making friends with our shredder.  No, this is not my office, but I did fill a lawn and leaf bag full of shredded crap!  We were trying to get down to one file cabinet.  Things I learned while shredding:
-Shredding is therapeutic.
-Levi knew that it would make me feel better (he said later that he knew I would feel better and that is why he told me to do that...wow, maybe he does know me)
-You really shouldn't wait so long in between shredding therapy. (Do you really need that EOB from 2003?)
-Shredding made me very happy that we have gone mostly paperless.
-While you are shredding, chatting on gmail, and jamming to music...if your children get very quiet, you should probably worry that they have taken every toy out of the toy box, built a fort with them, pulled every blanket off their beds, and put the dog in the toy box.

Decisions, Decisions?

 

 

Actually, they weren't really tough at all, but I just couldn't make them.  I had to run a couple of errands in the afternoon and Levi understandably wanted to hang at home after working all day so he took the kids outside and grabbed a beer.  The errands were much faster without little or big helpers anyway, but then I couldn't reach them to ask what they wanted for dinner.  When I got home, I realized why and was pleased to see Levi playing with the kids outside.  But then I ran out of steam and just couldn't decide what to get for dinner.  And apparently, that was too much of a decision for Levi to make either.  Well, I got stubborn...I was not making this decision.  I told him that when he decided what he wanted, to let me know.  Two hours later...I am starving and the kids are starting to ask.  Levi is getting upset because I won't decide what is for dinner and I am getting upset that he won't tell me what he wants for dinner.  Seriously?  What is wrong with us?  He finally stormed out of the house and picked up drive thru.  Then he gets me the wrong thing...accident or passive aggressive bullshit?  I would have gotten it if he had just told me what he wanted.  Ugh.

 

Hot Date, NOT!

 

 

My parents offered to babysit on Sunday and since we won't be seeing each other Thursday night until late we thought it would be our little Valentine's excursion.  Levi decided that we would go out to eat and use our gift cards for some much needed clothing items.  Sounds great, right?  Except Levi is having major allergy issues and a headache.  I tell him that we can just head home and do this another time.  Nope, he wants to stay out...except he doesn't really want to talk, move, and can't stop sneezing.  He is in a mood the entire time and I am trying to be Ms. Cheerful girl.  I am having a great time...no really I am...I'm serious...fake smile?  what fake smile?  I felt like he did not want to be with me...I realize that he did not feel good, but I am just telling you how it felt when I kept trying, really hard, to have a good time for the both of us.

 

 

Breakdown in Frozen Foods: Emotional Wreck on Aisle 3

 

 



 

So on the way home from our date...Levi stays in the car with the sleepy three year old while I take the big boys in to choose their Valentine's and pick up dinner (yes, I realize I need to go grocery shopping).  He tells me to get whatever I would like.  I wanted to pick up something kind of special for us since our date was not all that great.  I was still fake smile happy girl.  Until the only Valentine's left were Batman (apparently my boys are too old for Batman) and My Little Pony.  Ok, no Valentine's...on to dinner.  I walked around the meat department, the deli department, and finally thought maybe I would find something in the frozen foods department.  The boys were whining and I still had no idea what to get...I had chosen a bottle of wine, a vegetable, and something for the kids.  I could not for the life of me decide what in the hell to get for dinner.  So I am standing in the frozen food aisle and just lost it.  I started crying right there in frozen foods...quietly, thank God...but my boys were suddenly very concerned.  "Mom?, Are we being bad?"  "No sweetheart...Mommy just doesn't know what to get for dinner."  They looked at each other...looked back at me...poor dears were at a total loss...I grabbed something out of the nearest door, paid, and left.  Did I seriously just have a breakdown in frozen foods?

 

And Just when you thought things couldn't get worse

 

We put a movie on for the kids and ate our dinner together.  We had a great talk...finally.  I had asked several blogger friends for help on how to cope with this back and forth Captain/First Officer stuff.  I basically have to be Captain during the week, but need him to be the Captain on the weekends and I am having a hard time transitioning.  I also asked for advice on how disconnected we are all week.  We talked about texts or quick calls during the day, we talked about something that I can do to be in a submissive frame of mind when he gets home and on weekends...it was an amazing talk.  Until...Levi gets a phone call that someone in his family needs a serious surgery...and then I get a phone call.  I am standing in the bedroom with tears streaming down my face...the kids are getting ready for bed.  Levi comes to the doorway, sees that I am upset and instead of asking what is wrong...gets frustrated, mumbles something and smacks the wall on his way out to deal with the kids.  What I had found out was that a family member of mine is terminally ill.  I really wish that he had reacted differently...I needed him to react differently and then I got angry.  I had been looking forward to some couple time after the kids went to bed...that was not going to happen.  He apologized...we were able to talk a bit and then we went to bed.  I was still angry and hurt and upset for my family. 

 

Maybe Monday?

 

Our conversation at 5:00 am: (Levi in italics)

 

I am going to let you sleep a little...but we are going to "connect" this morning. (""Not exactly what he said, but you get the point)

 

(Conversation occurring in my head...this is what you wanted all weekend...it's been a week and a half...you know you want to...but I AM PISSED)

 

Noncommittal grunt (all I could manage)

 

He goes off to get semi-ready for work.

 

I stew and realize that I want it, but I don't want to want it.  (My Lord...I sound like a three year old)

 

Levi comes back to bed...I have my back to him.

 

Look at me.

 

I am still mad at you.

 

I know.  I'm sorry.  Now kiss me.

 

I don't know if I want to.  I wanted us to have something special this weekend.  I didn't want a quickie.  It has been a while.

 

I know.  We have time...now kiss me.

 

I rolled over.  And didn't regret it.  I hope that this wonderful beginning is a prelude to a lovely week.  I need a lovely week.

Passing Ships and Pecking Chickens

"Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,

Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;

So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another,

Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Ivan Aivazovsky

 

I think that I have figured out what is wrong with me.  No smart ass comments necessary.  I realize I left myself open there.  I think that the reason I am feeling unloved or unappreciated is because we are but passing ships.  This week has been rather busy.  We have slept next to each other every night and for that I am grateful, but that is about it.  I also know that my love language (From The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) is acts of service followed closely by quality time...not getting much around here of either.  Before you chastise me for not thinking of poor Levi...I am.  I know that he is working hard for us and I know that he doesn't like the drive either...I also know that his love language of physical touch followed closely by words of affirmation is probably not getting met either.

 

 





We don't even kiss anymore...we are like chickens going after the same speck of feed...peck, peck...peck.  I kiss my family that way...not exactly the sort of kisses that I would like to share with my husband.  I realize that this is two hens kissing...no offense meant to lesbian chickens.

 

Kid activity...you take these two...I take this one...peck, nice dinner...pass out...no peck, kid activity...you take these two, I take this one...peck, finish the taxes...finish your homework...I take bedtime duty...peck, work activity...no peck.  Due to work activities, kid activities, homework, taxes, normal kid crap, etc., we have eaten together...once.

 

Once.

 

I know, I know...I should feel lucky that we even get to see each other at all.  I should be happy that he has a job.  I know this will go by fast...but let me wallow a moment in the fact that we are only a month in and this sucks.

 

It has been a week since we have had any "adult time"...oh, I tried.  The night we actually got to eat dinner together...I flirted, we had awesome conversation...we got the kids to bed, I went to get ready for bed and Levi was passed out.  Cold.  Ugh.  And before you think that I took forever getting ready...I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth.

 

Due to stuff we have this weekend that cannot be changed we probably won't see each other until Saturday night.  And we don't talk on the phone during the day...he is very busy and also has a hard time when he is at work thinking of anything but work.

 

He's tired...I get it...so am I.  The resentment is starting to build.  I do everything at home.  He doesn't even take his plate to the sink anymore or take the trash out and we hired a yard guy.  My middle child called him a girl the other day for wiping the toilet before the Superbowl visitors arrived.  To coin a southern phrase: "Oh Hell No!"  He huffs and puffs at the kids and me like a dragon with a temper.  Not living in the land of Honalee around here..no sir. 

 

 

Mountains battling in The Hobbit

 

So this morning, he tries to wake me up at 5:00 am for a little attention.  I want you to close your eyes and think of someone you know that is not a morning person...ok...now, multiply that person by two and you might get some idea of how NOT a morning person I am.  I also took allergy medicine last night which means it was probably worse.  Let's just say that I wasn't very receptive and he gave up.  Now I have the Mt. Everest of guilt I am carrying around for basically saying no battling right next to the Mt. Resentment of "What about me?".

 

 

 

   +  +

 =

 

Finding an area to live has not been an easy chore either.  I drove around in the area that we thought that we might like and it was just strange...driving down one street there is a gated community on one side, a trailer park on the other and in front of you is a field of cows.  Seriously! Is there not a happy medium!?  I can't afford a gated community, would like a little more room than a trailer, and cows...well, that's not my thing.  (no offense intended if you live in a 4,000 square foot house behind a fence, a trailer, or with cows...cows are cool...to visit...at the farm...not a farm girl here)

 

My middle child's favorite thing to do at the moment is whine, and it is so annoying...and here I am doing it...sorry, and thanks for listening...I feel better now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



                                               

Sexy Face

I have learned that men are very visual.  Not just that they appreciate a beautiful woman, although they do, but that they have almost a photographic memory when it comes to images, especially sexy ones.  I want to be the image my husband dreams of and gets hot over.  I am working to improve myself, for him and me, and have goals that I have shared with you before in regards to losing weight in the post Ustacould.

I was thinking a lot about being sexy.  Now, being sexy is different to different people so I am specifically talking about what my husband finds sexy.  Sometimes what he finds sexy, I just shake my head at in wonder.

One of the things that my husband finds sexy is when I shave my legs.  As a stay at home mom of three kids, I don't get much alone time.  They even follow me to the bathroom, so often my alone time is in the shower.  So, unfortunately, when my husband comes to take a peek I am not always receptive...especially when he lets all the cold air in and I can feel the hair on my legs growing back.  So his view is typically something like this:

 

This probably isn't the image that will bring up hot thoughts in Levi's brain.  So, I am working on my sexy looks:)  Here is what I am aiming for:

 

 

She actually still doesn't look too thrilled, does she? (she also doesn't look like she is actually shaving either)...

 

But this one: 

 

 

This is the look I need to go for!  That is a good smirk right there.

 

 

And I should work on my sexy librarian look:

 

 

Good Lord...not that!  How about this:

 

 

And the Titanic look:

 

 

 

No, no, no...not that one.  This one:

 

And he has some weird obsession with me stretching:

 

 

I don't get it, but I suppose I should make sure I look hot when I am doing it.

 

So go practice your sexy face and give your spouse something to imagine:)  What are some things that your spouse finds sexy?

 

 

 

Yeah, uh, keep practicing:)