What You Say?

Do you ever wonder why you aren't on the same page?

 

 

How often has the woman in your life said..."It's not what you say, but how you say it."?

How often has the man in your life said..."Say what you mean, and mean what you say."?

I am coming to realize that it is no wonder we can't seem to communicate with each other.  I am learning that when women communicate that we hear more than the words.  We hear the tone, we see the body language, and those things come before the words are spoken.  We assume intent.  Those assumptions can be wrong...especially when they are coming from our men.  Which is why we can communicate so much better with women.  If there is anything negative in the nonverbal cues...then we will assume the intent is negative and aimed at us.  It could be that they just had a bad day and have nothing to do with us.  It makes us more intuitive...why we can tell that our friend is having a bad day, but it also causes issues with spousal communication.
 

 

Men hear the words and then react.  At least in my experience.  If they notice the tone or body language it is one at a time and after their reaction, which is why so many men find themselves halfway into an argument without having any clue how they got there.  How often do you hear: "That is not what I meant...you are twisting my words around." from your man?  It often wasn't the words that we were reacting negatively and defensively too, but our assumptions about the feeling behind them.  The men in our life are dumbfounded and trying to figure out what the heck they said wrong.

I am getting examples of this with blogging.  When someone comments, you almost have to react to the words alone first....there is unfortunately no sarcasm font.  What is funny, as a woman, I am still looking at intent...trying to picture how they meant something and if they meant it in the way I initially took it, who is saying it and previous comments that they made are in the back of my mind.  I am assuming...see assuming over here, that men just take it at face value.

I think this makes me worry less about the words I am using and more about the other nuances in communication...facial expression, body language, tone of voice, whether or not the person is paying attention (ie facing me, busy doing something else, etc.).  But when speaking to my husband I need to be focusing on the words I choose to use.  Obviously he will react to my tone too if I am speaking in a witchy way, but I skip right over the words sometimes.

As I come to understand Levi and men more, I realize that some of the words I choose to use can be misconstrued quite easily as disrespectful.  I don't even mean them in that way... a bit of incidental disrespectfulness.

Here is an example:

Levi sometimes has to teach some continuing education classes at work...today the big boss was going to be in the audience.  He was a little nervous this morning...after another "connection" (I think we are trying to break some kind of record-I have told you that I am not a morning person...have I not?), he ran off to work and I could tell that it was weighing heavily on his mind.  I decided to send him a you can do it kind of text, just so he would know I was thinking of him.

I grab my phone and begin to type:
Good Luck today on your....

Well, maybe I shouldn't write good luck...luck has nothing to do with it...he knows what he is talking about and I want him to be confident...

Okay, Try again:
I hope that your....

Well, shit...that sounds like I am unsure of him...not very supportive.

Third time is a charm:
Have a great meeting!  You got this!

There...that is better.  What is funny is that if I had said it either of the other ways to a woman, we would have guessed the intent (based on the previous experience with the person) and not been offended.  Now, I don't know for sure that Levi would be offended, but he often says: say what you mean and mean what you say.  I need to be on the lookout for these things that I say and words that I choose to make sure that I am always lifting him up and not making him wonder how I really feel.