TGIM

Thank God It's Monday!!  If you make it through this entire post I will give you an award.  It might be kind of long.  It might not make sense.  But I need to put this weekend behind me, so I can focus on the week ahead.

 

Input

 

 

Levi actually gave me some priorities when it comes to the ridiculous number of projects that we have to accomplish in the coming months around the house.  I think I have said before, but want to clarify, that I don't need a daily list.  In fact, that would probably just piss me off.  But, I get irritated when I am the one who makes all the decisions without some sort of input.  I decide what bills to pay and how much, what things to get at the store, every meal planned, decisions with the kids, in charge of the social calendar etc.  I need input.  If I don't get input then I feel resentful, exhausted, unappreciated,  disconnected, etc.  Levi was going to have to work late Friday and go back to work Saturday until the afternoon.  I had to ask, but he did give me some input on what to start with.  He said, "I think you should finish the office...we have made great progress in there."

Shredding Therapy...(cheaper than real therapy)

So Saturday morning saw me making friends with our shredder.  No, this is not my office, but I did fill a lawn and leaf bag full of shredded crap!  We were trying to get down to one file cabinet.  Things I learned while shredding:
-Shredding is therapeutic.
-Levi knew that it would make me feel better (he said later that he knew I would feel better and that is why he told me to do that...wow, maybe he does know me)
-You really shouldn't wait so long in between shredding therapy. (Do you really need that EOB from 2003?)
-Shredding made me very happy that we have gone mostly paperless.
-While you are shredding, chatting on gmail, and jamming to music...if your children get very quiet, you should probably worry that they have taken every toy out of the toy box, built a fort with them, pulled every blanket off their beds, and put the dog in the toy box.

Decisions, Decisions?

 

 

Actually, they weren't really tough at all, but I just couldn't make them.  I had to run a couple of errands in the afternoon and Levi understandably wanted to hang at home after working all day so he took the kids outside and grabbed a beer.  The errands were much faster without little or big helpers anyway, but then I couldn't reach them to ask what they wanted for dinner.  When I got home, I realized why and was pleased to see Levi playing with the kids outside.  But then I ran out of steam and just couldn't decide what to get for dinner.  And apparently, that was too much of a decision for Levi to make either.  Well, I got stubborn...I was not making this decision.  I told him that when he decided what he wanted, to let me know.  Two hours later...I am starving and the kids are starting to ask.  Levi is getting upset because I won't decide what is for dinner and I am getting upset that he won't tell me what he wants for dinner.  Seriously?  What is wrong with us?  He finally stormed out of the house and picked up drive thru.  Then he gets me the wrong thing...accident or passive aggressive bullshit?  I would have gotten it if he had just told me what he wanted.  Ugh.

 

Hot Date, NOT!

 

 

My parents offered to babysit on Sunday and since we won't be seeing each other Thursday night until late we thought it would be our little Valentine's excursion.  Levi decided that we would go out to eat and use our gift cards for some much needed clothing items.  Sounds great, right?  Except Levi is having major allergy issues and a headache.  I tell him that we can just head home and do this another time.  Nope, he wants to stay out...except he doesn't really want to talk, move, and can't stop sneezing.  He is in a mood the entire time and I am trying to be Ms. Cheerful girl.  I am having a great time...no really I am...I'm serious...fake smile?  what fake smile?  I felt like he did not want to be with me...I realize that he did not feel good, but I am just telling you how it felt when I kept trying, really hard, to have a good time for the both of us.

 

 

Breakdown in Frozen Foods: Emotional Wreck on Aisle 3

 

 



 

So on the way home from our date...Levi stays in the car with the sleepy three year old while I take the big boys in to choose their Valentine's and pick up dinner (yes, I realize I need to go grocery shopping).  He tells me to get whatever I would like.  I wanted to pick up something kind of special for us since our date was not all that great.  I was still fake smile happy girl.  Until the only Valentine's left were Batman (apparently my boys are too old for Batman) and My Little Pony.  Ok, no Valentine's...on to dinner.  I walked around the meat department, the deli department, and finally thought maybe I would find something in the frozen foods department.  The boys were whining and I still had no idea what to get...I had chosen a bottle of wine, a vegetable, and something for the kids.  I could not for the life of me decide what in the hell to get for dinner.  So I am standing in the frozen food aisle and just lost it.  I started crying right there in frozen foods...quietly, thank God...but my boys were suddenly very concerned.  "Mom?, Are we being bad?"  "No sweetheart...Mommy just doesn't know what to get for dinner."  They looked at each other...looked back at me...poor dears were at a total loss...I grabbed something out of the nearest door, paid, and left.  Did I seriously just have a breakdown in frozen foods?

 

And Just when you thought things couldn't get worse

 

We put a movie on for the kids and ate our dinner together.  We had a great talk...finally.  I had asked several blogger friends for help on how to cope with this back and forth Captain/First Officer stuff.  I basically have to be Captain during the week, but need him to be the Captain on the weekends and I am having a hard time transitioning.  I also asked for advice on how disconnected we are all week.  We talked about texts or quick calls during the day, we talked about something that I can do to be in a submissive frame of mind when he gets home and on weekends...it was an amazing talk.  Until...Levi gets a phone call that someone in his family needs a serious surgery...and then I get a phone call.  I am standing in the bedroom with tears streaming down my face...the kids are getting ready for bed.  Levi comes to the doorway, sees that I am upset and instead of asking what is wrong...gets frustrated, mumbles something and smacks the wall on his way out to deal with the kids.  What I had found out was that a family member of mine is terminally ill.  I really wish that he had reacted differently...I needed him to react differently and then I got angry.  I had been looking forward to some couple time after the kids went to bed...that was not going to happen.  He apologized...we were able to talk a bit and then we went to bed.  I was still angry and hurt and upset for my family. 

 

Maybe Monday?

 

Our conversation at 5:00 am: (Levi in italics)

 

I am going to let you sleep a little...but we are going to "connect" this morning. (""Not exactly what he said, but you get the point)

 

(Conversation occurring in my head...this is what you wanted all weekend...it's been a week and a half...you know you want to...but I AM PISSED)

 

Noncommittal grunt (all I could manage)

 

He goes off to get semi-ready for work.

 

I stew and realize that I want it, but I don't want to want it.  (My Lord...I sound like a three year old)

 

Levi comes back to bed...I have my back to him.

 

Look at me.

 

I am still mad at you.

 

I know.  I'm sorry.  Now kiss me.

 

I don't know if I want to.  I wanted us to have something special this weekend.  I didn't want a quickie.  It has been a while.

 

I know.  We have time...now kiss me.

 

I rolled over.  And didn't regret it.  I hope that this wonderful beginning is a prelude to a lovely week.  I need a lovely week.