and instead got this:
I thought it might be time for take two of the notebook...we shall see if it works this time.
Dear Levi,
Thank you so much for the beautiful flowers! I thought we weren't getting each other anything...sneaky, you are! I hope you aren't upset that I didn't get you anything. I know you have been so tired lately and wondered if there is something I haven't done that I can do for you. I want to thank you for working so hard for us. I am so proud of your sacrifice and how well you are doing. I know this is hard and it is temporary, but I am looking forward to having you home more. I miss you. I don't want you to feel badly, I just don't want you to think we aren't missing you.
I know I have been trying to lose weight for a while and it has been a bit slow going. I want to be healthy and look my best for you. Thank you for your encouragement.
I am sorry if I have been a bit frustrated lately, but I am having trouble "being in charge" all week and then remembering to defer to you on the weekends. I really do like when you take charge. I am glad that you listen to my opinion, but I am happy that you make the decision even if I don't like the decision.
I wonder though sometimes if you would rather just go back to the way things were. You seem so distant and I can't seem to reach you. I hope that you will let me know what I can do to help us connect.
Love, Bea
I'm working on the same thing Bea, Nick has asked me to email at least once a week. I tend to want to write too much and over think things. He answers with a few words or not at all. I don't really mind, I'm the one with lots of words. But sure we would like more response sometimes. Don't stop writing - in the end it is worth it.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
PK
Thanks PK! I suppose I thought it would help him communicate but it does help me and it does keep him from getting defensive. I guess I may be putting too much pressure on him to respond. Good luck with your emails.
DeleteBea
Hang in there Bea...you did very well writing your feelings without being accusitory. Listen to PK...don't stop writing. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and prayers that things get better for both of you soon.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Cat
Thank you Cat! We are ok, I think...this is just a very challenging time and I am feeling unsure. Not a feeling I am used to feeling:)
DeleteThanks for your thoughts!
Oh Bea....First....((((((((((((((((Bea)))))))))))) hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Bea! Just don't stop writing....keep on keepin on! What you wrote was just perfect. It will be worth it so just don't stop:) I am sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way that things will get better and communication will get easier!
Belle:)
Thank you for the hugs! Communication has been a bit one-sided lately so I hope he is still wanting this.
DeleteBea
Communication is key ( apparently). Keep at it, even if he's not communicating back the way you think he 'should'. You expressing your thoughts are the only thing you have control over.
ReplyDeleteLove ya
Willie
Very true Willie...thanks for reminding me...my control monster is screaming to take over! Apparently I need to say the Serenity Prayer a few times :) as a reminder.
Deletelove you too!
Bea
Just keep trying and being positive.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Trying really hard to stay positive:)
DeleteI admire you women how have a man that goes away. I'm so blessed to have my Bucko home every night. Keep talking to him. Sending lots of thoughts and hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteTL
Thank you, although my Levi is home every night...he has a four hour daily commute...so when he gets home he is not really there? You know? Plus our kids have activities several days a week so I am often away even when he gets home.
DeleteThanks for the hugs!
Bea
I agree with the others Bea. This was a very non-manipulative, loving and honest way of communicating how you are doing. I hope and pray that you will get a chance (and that he will initiate) a cleansing talk this weekend that helps you feel connected again.
ReplyDeleteThank you Susie...we are long overdue for a talk that is for sure:) Hope he understands that I just need time with him.
DeleteBea
Hi Bea :)
ReplyDeleteI think it sounds like you are doing great. It has got to be hard to switch gears when he comes home....heck I had troubles after one night! I am so proud of you....keep going....and I hope you all have had a chance to truly talk and connect!
Hang in there.....
~Lucy
Thank you Lucy! It is hard to remember...I have to put the brakes on my bulldozer:)
Delete"I wonder though sometimes if you would rather just go back to the way things were. You seem so distant and I can't seem to reach you. I hope that you will let me know what I can do to help us connect."
ReplyDeleteThe notebook as a journaling tool has value, but you are putting pressure on him to perform and setting him up for failure and feeling inadequate. My wife and I ALWAYS include a personal note in cards we give one another. Sometimes the thoughts just roll right out of me and other times I absolutely struggle to come up with something meaningful and not sappy or artifical sounding. Talk about performance anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy. All one shot deals.
Now have him do it when he gets back in town; reply to 1 or more entries before leaving town again; something he is uncomfortable doing and can see you are so invested in. Now do it again next week. He isn't comelled to do it and you are pushing it at him and not allowing a way out of the pressure.
Line one of the quote sounds like a needy fishing expediton. I don't think it will be received with much more than, "Sheesh, what now?" You are looking for comfort and reassurance from him when you need to be soothing yourself. You KNOW that is not what he wants, but you want to hear it from him to calm yourself.
Line two is about your frustration with his behavior distancing. All true no doubt. But again you have told him where he is failing. Perhaps he needs to hear how you miss being close with him and not how you don't know how to reach him. You just gave him an unsolicited problem to deal with. "How can I reach you?"
"I hope that you will let me know what I can do to help us connect." I really don't like it when my wife owns parts of the problem that aren't hers. I now you mean well. You want to help him, but he doesn't want you blaming yourself. It only makes him feel guilty. Your asking what can I do implies you somehow think you share fault. He doesn't want you to bear his burden. It will make him feel inadequate that he is unable to shield and protect you. Also, you are implying a problem where he may not feel there is one,other than being overworked and not enough sex. He may, albeit wrongly, not feel or perceive it as a connection issue. You just gave him something else to deal with.
I like the letter as a whole although I would advise you to refrain from apologizing so much and assuming ownership that may not be yours. A change in tone could be as simple as this edit:
I am sorry if I have been a bit frustrated lately, but I am having trouble "being in charge" all week and then remembering to defer to you on the weekends.
Changed to:
I have been a bit frustrated lately, but it's difficult for me "running things" all week and then remembering to defer to you on the weekends like I want.
No needy apology. No usurping his being the man "in charge". And you want to remember because you "want" him in charge, not because you are relinquishing your weekday power to him.
Now, it may sound like I only wrote this to beat you up and make you feel inadequate just as I told you not to do to him. Because of brevity (Yeah, I know. What brevity?)and possible space constraints, I cut to the chase. I did that because I felt you are the one who is the most highly motivated for change and ready to hear things presented in a direct manner. There was no intent not to see your side of the issue or lay it all at your doorstep. I just felt you needed to rethink the perceived demands of the notebook and refine your message where he doesn't feel like you think you are failing him. You did a really great job praising him. You need to sound more confident about yourself. If you project confidence, he can only feel you respect yourself and your intelligence and because of that, believe it or not, he will feel like his marriage is strong and secure because you exhibit the will and ability to overcome any difficultie before you.
Userdand,
DeleteWow, this is an awesome response. Thank you for writing this from the male POV - I think sometimes, some women (me included) do exactly as you just said...we apologize because we don't want our husband's to feel as if we are blaming them, which has the opposite response to what we are attempting to achieve.
Bea - I just love you. You are such a wonderful gal. I wanted to tell you that Will doesn't read my blog regularly and I no longer care about that - because he *does* read it - when he thinks to do so and those times are precious to me, and very special to him. He does read - as does Levi - and responds the way in which he is most comfortable. You know what I mean, sweetie?
Elisa Xo
It is so nice to have a male response, isn't it? It is rare around these parts.
DeleteLevi doesn't ever read my blog, which is ok, I guess, as it allows me to ask you wonderful people for advice. He did read the notebook.
I think I know what you mean but I just wish we could spend 5 minutes a day even actually talking to each other. I asked if there was any way he could text or call me during the day at least once...but he has been unable to.
We'll get through this I am sure.
Bea
Been to your site Elisa. I usually hit a site before I make a comment to a another commenter. And no, I have no site though Delightful Sis keeps trying to get me to do it. I wish my wife was of a similar mind as you, but in my case it would be more about eroticism than leading. I "take a shot" at "pinking" things up from time to time to test the waters but have yet hear an appreciative or encouraging moan or murmuring from the recipient. Perhaps it is time for a direct discussion.
DeleteThanks for the compliment. I really work hard on my comments since words on a page lack adequate context as to intent. Very easy to be misunderstood. The biggest pain is the qualifier: "in a healthy relationship", "but men also", "not blaming only.....". You can't just state your point without explaining all it covers or doesn't. GRRR!
I truly appreciate and value a male opinion. My father is a yankee so I can handle a bit of bluntness:) I worry that you may be not quite understanding our situation, but I will say that you helped Levi and I to have a much needed discussion. So I wanted to explain a bit.
ReplyDeleteI have written twice in the notebook...that is it...I don't write in it every week. I wrote in it once in December and then again this week. Other than in the first entry, I have never asked him to write in it. I also left some personal things out in December where I asked him a few questions that I felt were too personal to share. He did not reply.
I suppose I am a bit needy right now...I was the one to decide that I should defer to him. And I am very unsure if he wants me to do this or not. I don't know how I can soothe myself if I truly don't know. Sometimes I think he liked that I just handled everything.
Before this, I handled everything and made all the decisions in the relationship. Finances, scheduling, kids (including discipline), etc. My eyes were opened to the emasculating ways that I was unintentionally subjecting him to in order to lead. My post on the pants explains what I am trying to do. It is very difficult for me to give up control...it is obviously an issue that I am working on, but as far as the relationship goes I need his help. I need him to tell me when I am doing it sometimes as it has become so much of a habit. But lately he seems to want me to do it all and I don't know if I should just do that in our current situation. We had been making progress but in our current situation we have taken some steps back. It is quite the dilemma.
Levi currently has a daily four hour total commute Monday-Friday...so even when he is home during the week, he is not really "here". So I am "in charge" so to speak in his absence. It is a temporary situation and we have around 5 more months to endure. We don't communicate well and I am not getting any input on decisions. We have three children and two that are in activities so the responsibility to get them to everything falls to me so I often do not see him. Even if we sleep next to each other. We have had sex 4 times this week...pretty awesome, but it doesn't feel the same. I realize that married sex is not always going to be connected sex, but I am noticing a pattern.
This has been an adjustment for both of us and I worry that 5 more months of distancing, however temporary, will be detrimental to our relationship. Any time I tried to bring up something that was bothering me before...even using I statements and choosing things that were truly bothersome...not knitpicking every item. He would often reply with "Well, I just can't do anything right"...get defensive, and walk away. I felt like putting my thoughts in writing would help him to not get defensive and allow him time to formulate a response.
I often have a bad habit of taking on blame. Not sure how to fix that at the moment. And being that this giving up control thing is so new to me...I feel a little lost.
We did have a discussion after your comment and I appreciate that you were open and honest with me as it helped to spur this conversation...he does feel uncomfortable with writing back in the notebook...he said he loves that I write in it as it allows him a way to understand me and also makes him feel special that I have thought of him...I truly am trying to be the best wife I can be.
I still do not have answers necessarily to my questions and we still are not communicating(other than the above)...I truly just miss spending time with him. He just shuts down and shuts me out...I didn't want to write it that way because it sounded so accusatory. I did think that maybe there was something that I could do to help.
Wording things is very difficult, isn't it?...as he may perceive it very differently than I have meant it.
Thanks for your comment,
Bea
It may be like this. You see a need for change. He, for whatever reason, is not recognizing that need. His life is humming along as usual. It may not be all he would like, but he can live with what it is for now. He is busy being a man and breadwinner.
DeleteYou reconize that something is missing and what to change things for the better before the distance becomes to great and may then be insurmountable. He, for whatever reason, is not doing any thing to help work on the problem. As a good wife, you take a proactive response: I will work on the problem by myself. So I will go and ask, "What's wrong, dear? we seem to have a problem. Have I done something wrong. Is there anything I can do to fix this?" The problem with this line of reasoning is it sounds like you are admitting to being the problem and are taking complete ownership of fixing it. "I apologize for our marriage being a mess. How can I make amends and fix things?"
Now, if he is any kind of compassionate husband, he feels guilty for your taking the hit. That is what he likely hears especially with an apology attached. He knows you are not the only one culpable here, and perhaps not at all. You didn't mean to "blame" yourself. All you were trying to do was take responsibilty for implementing change since he was consumed with other things and you had the time and desire to pursue it. The intent was good, it just got perceived differently. I think this is sometimes how women are perceived as taking the blame when they are really only trying to be proactive. The vocabulary just colors it differently.
The point is, the husband feels ineffective and inadequate under those circumstances, which was not the intent of the presentation. You want to come off as a partner in solving the issue, not as someone who sounds lacking in confidence. What can I do?..or... What do you think we need to do to fix this? Granted, he may respond, "I dunno," or "What do you mean," but a dialogue can begin there. When he doesn't feel it is your fault, what other answer can he give to "Is there something I should be doing? What do you want from me?" other than "Nothing, honey. Everytings fine." Asked and answered. Conversation over. Wrong closed-end question followed by closed-end answer. You weren't admitting to fault, but it sounded that way and he just reassured you it was not our fault and there is nothing you need to do. How compassionate of him to not let you take the hit, but the issue remains unaddressed. I will publish before the limiti, I hope.
Keep writing. The advantage to the notebook is he can read it when ready, not be pulled into a verbal discussion he is uncoomfortable with. The sad thing for you is that he may not be able to share his heart in written or spoken words for whatever reason. It just may not be within him at this time. He may even be uncomfortable with you speaking praise to him because A) he may not feel worthy, B) he's not a hero, only doing his job, C) he find it difficult to accept compliments or D) he fears having to respond in kind and falling short of the mark. I know I usually have to think a lot before I speak. Do I look like I am struggling with coming up with something nice to say? If he is reading alone there is no performance pressure. And I know this will just kill you, but DON'T ASK, "Well, what did you think?" Pressure beyond all reason will befall him. He will at some point tell you. It WILL NOT be all your heart wants to hear in all likelihood, but he will say something unexpected that will touch you deeply nonetheless.
DeleteTime for a word from our sponsor and favorite marriage therapist author: David Schnarch,PhD.
Read: Passionate Marriage, first, and then Intimacy and Desire.
You will learn about the "crucible" and "differentiation" and how what you are currently experiencing with your marriage relationship is not only normal but desirable. You will find yourself VERY resistant to what he teaches. You may have to read it twice to really understand it.
I should get a commission from his book sales. You can find them at most reasonably sized libraries as well as on Amazon and as ebooks. If your eader won't allow highlighting, bookmarking and notes, I suggest you buy a hardcopy. You may profusley thank me later.
You are ready to differentiate. He will lag behind, but when it happens things will markedly improve, The bad news: This is a process that repeats throughout the marriage. The good news: It get easier and the marriage exceeds any expectations you now have. Don't let his writing style and frankness scare you off. I suggest a first look at chapt. 13 in Passionate Marriage to get and idea of the crucible concept. I you don quite understand it, don't throw your hands up. Go to the front of the book and open your mind.
I'll get back to you, but can't right now. Thanks for setting me staight on some things.
ReplyDeleteI had a lot more in the comment that mellowed the nature of the flavor of it but I had to delete it due to HTML space restrictions What I should have done was post it as a two part comment I now see. My response sounds a little strident in places which is not my style. I can be direct, but not insensitive.
DeleteI thought the notebook was an ongoing weekly exercise. My bad. I'm going t jump back up and address some things now. Userdand is my wordpress username but it won't recognize it here for some reason so I am doing name/url for the time being.