Sunday, August 31, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Back to Work
I have a job! I am now a substitute at my daughter's church preschool. I can still get my boys to school and pick them up after. It will be awesome to be able to help pay for our daughter's preschool and have a little extra to pay off some bills.
I am a little nervous about the transition, though. I know that for September I will work four days a week for five and a half hours per day as they need help in the younger kiddos classrooms. I am trying to figure out how I will fit everything in.
The kids are old enough to have chores, but I am bad about being consistent and staying on them. Also, to be honest, sometimes it is just easier to do it myself. I do think I will have to get over that in order to maintain my sanity.
So between work and carpool, I will be away from home 8-9 hours (except Mondays)...so, how do you working ladies do it all?:) The last time I was a working parent, I only had one kid and he was a baby...now I have three with extra activities and all. Any advice?
I am a little nervous about the transition, though. I know that for September I will work four days a week for five and a half hours per day as they need help in the younger kiddos classrooms. I am trying to figure out how I will fit everything in.
The kids are old enough to have chores, but I am bad about being consistent and staying on them. Also, to be honest, sometimes it is just easier to do it myself. I do think I will have to get over that in order to maintain my sanity.
So between work and carpool, I will be away from home 8-9 hours (except Mondays)...so, how do you working ladies do it all?:) The last time I was a working parent, I only had one kid and he was a baby...now I have three with extra activities and all. Any advice?
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Sexy Song for Sunday
Levi and I love this song. There is nothing we can't handle together...well, except maybe ninjas.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Minimalist Pantry and Look Better Naked
I haven't done a minimalist post in a while because...well, it just wasn't funny or as exciting as cleaning out my underwear drawer:) I have been cleaning out, but I spared you all the boringness of the kids' rooms and our play room, but we were able to donate two garbage bags of clothes that don't fit and some toys and books they no longer play with. Everything is organized...for now...by next week I am sure it will be a mess again:) I finally got my daughter's shelves hung and my son's have some of their medals on the walls now. So the next project that I wanted to tackle is my pantry.
I have actually been working on the pantry all summer in attempts by Levi and I wanting to look better naked. Levi really doesn't need to lose weight but he wants to work on areas that have gone soft. I do need to lose some weight but more importantly want to be healthy. I have had some annoying health issues the past couple of years involving my thyroid. It is amazing what this tiny little gland controls in your body and ways that it wreaks havoc when it doesn't work properly.
Before my thyroid issues, losing weight was a challenge but not an impossible climbing Everest sort of task. After, it has been really hard and I actually put on 10-15 pounds without changing anything. My endocrinologist told me to switch to a 1300 calorie diet. I did that for three weeks and was starving ALL THE TIME...and didn't lose a thing. I felt sick and often light headed. I was 45 pounds overweight. Once we got my thyroid levels regulated, I dropped those 10-15 pounds and was then 30 pounds overweight.
I was also extremely frustrated by all of the medications that I had to take and every time I went to the doctor with a problem they just wanted to give me another medication. I started every morning with two thyroid medications, then after waiting for 30-45 minutes I had to take medicine for low vitamin D, low calcium, a multivitamin with good selenium levels to help the thyroid meds work, and medicine for overactive bladder that I have struggled with since the birth of my first child. I had to take the birth control pill for a couple of months this year to shrink some ovarian cysts that had grown quite large, but don't need birth control and hated the side effects so quit taking that after the cysts shrank. I had to take a monthly anti fungal to prevent a yeast infection that I would get every month. I ended the day with Zantac for reflux and Gas X almost every night for uncomfortable digestive issues. I also suffered from allergy and sinus issues and often had to take meds for that.
I was desperate for change and the 1300 calorie diet wasn't working and wasn't feasible for me. I have really been struggling emotionally this past year in dealing with these issues. I began doing lots of internet research...that is exhausting. It seems like everything contradicts everything else. After reading about Paleo on Average Married Dad's blog (and nutrition in his new book that I will review soon, "Average Married Dad's Guide to Health, Wealth, and a Sexy Marriage") and benefits of natural foods from 100 days of Real Food. I decided to try some natural, Paleo-like foods and cut out soda. I had read that processed foods could make a thyroid sluggish. That seemed to make me feel somewhat better although was a difficult transition, lots of work, and a bit expensive.
Then I read a book by Dr Hotze that I picked up at a used book store called, "Hormones, Health, and Happiness." His descriptions of my health and feeling like I was a hypochondriac were spot on. I cried...yes, I cried over a hormone book...surprised? What struck me as the most important was the chapter on yeast overgrowth. Signs of yeast overgrowth: fatigue, heartburn, craving sugar or bread products, moodiness, allergies, yeast infections, abdominal bloating, cramping, or gas. I talked to my ob/gyn about trying a yeast free diet instead of the Diflucan every month and he said yes, sometimes that works. I left thinking then why didn't you tell me that that might help? My endocrinologist when I asked her if there were any foods that could help my thyroid she had also told me no, not really. Yes, I know I probably need a new endocrinologist. In years past my gastroenterologist had diagnosed me with IBS. I had been tested for Celiac's as he thought that my symptoms were similar, but it came back negative. I read something interesting though in my research that just because you do not have an allergy to gluten that you may still be gluten intolerant...it's like the difference between a milk allergy and lactose intolerance. He never suggested trying a gluten free diet.
I decided to go on a strict yeast free diet for 4 weeks and see what happened. Day one...I did not have to take gas medicine. I had NO bloating on DAY ONE. The first few days I did crave sweets, but on the version of the diet I chose, I could have berries. I ordered a cookbook called "Simply Yeast Free" by Kindsey Neeson and Katy Langkamp...it seemed the easiest to follow and had some good looking recipes. It talked about how the cravings would be really hard, but I didn't find that they were too difficult and in fact I finally felt satisfied...coming off such a restrictive 1300 calories felt great. After week one, my allergies and sinus issues were minimized. I wouldn't say they were completely gone, but I no longer had to take medicine. After two weeks, my bad cravings were gone. After four weeks, I had lost ten pounds without trying. I had not seen the 160s in a long while:) The yeast free diet is a gradual diet where you can begin introducing certain foods after the restrictive period, but there are certain foods you should avoid. I don't eat bread, and I really don't miss it. Pasta is a little tougher...I miss my Italian Baked Ziti. I have found that the occasional tortilla does not bother me too much but I try to avoid them. I am eating a ton of fruits and vegetables which requires a lot of prep. That has taken some getting used to...but is worth it, because I feel great! It is not as expensive as I thought it would be because I don't eat as much.
Now, I am not saying this is for everyone, but if you feel badly you should try diet changes and see if you feel better. Is it the yeast, the gluten, the dairy...I don't really know for sure, but am trying different things and noting their effects. I have a friend whom if she doesn't have some sugar in her diet then she puts on weight...so you have to do what is best for you. I use a lot of Paleo recipes as they are easy to find and still eat out. It is a little more expensive at the grocery store but we don't pick up fast food as often so we have saved money there. The only issue that is left is some hair loss during certain times of the month that is a bit disturbing and my overactive bladder...although that is better since I quit the soda. I tried to have a soda the other day and couldn't finish it...it was making me feel sick. I still take my thyroid meds and vitamins and probably will always have to, but have saved money on all the over the counter meds I am not having to take. I did add a probiotic for now to help rebalance the good bacteria/yeast, but no longer need the Zantac.
So what does this have to do with my pantry? Well, it's pretty empty. I have this huge pantry and there is just not much in it. My kids and husband still have some bread and snacks, but I am slowly limiting some of that. There isn't much pasta or rice. I still make some of that for them, but notice that it bothers me. I still have some tortilla chips occasionally, but can't really have any other kind. Potatoes really seem to bother me, too. I have a lot of nuts, spices, and oils, but my baking "section" is very small. I have some almond flour, coconut flour and Stevia. My freezer and fridge stay full these days though:) I wiped down all the shelves and have a big bucket for snacks for the kids. I am trying to slowly switch them from the Goldfish and Cheeze-its to raisins, nuts, or applesauce etc. The dog food is in a container and I want to get some containers for all my nuts:) I feel good when I open the pantry door and AM starting to look better naked. Yeah! I will tell you about my exercise plan in another post. Oh and Levi has lost 5 pounds without trying...my healthy dinners I suppose. He hasn't started exercising, but as my weight melts away, he makes more and more comments about getting started:)
Now if I could just figure out why my hair keeps falling out before I need a wig...
I have actually been working on the pantry all summer in attempts by Levi and I wanting to look better naked. Levi really doesn't need to lose weight but he wants to work on areas that have gone soft. I do need to lose some weight but more importantly want to be healthy. I have had some annoying health issues the past couple of years involving my thyroid. It is amazing what this tiny little gland controls in your body and ways that it wreaks havoc when it doesn't work properly.
I was also extremely frustrated by all of the medications that I had to take and every time I went to the doctor with a problem they just wanted to give me another medication. I started every morning with two thyroid medications, then after waiting for 30-45 minutes I had to take medicine for low vitamin D, low calcium, a multivitamin with good selenium levels to help the thyroid meds work, and medicine for overactive bladder that I have struggled with since the birth of my first child. I had to take the birth control pill for a couple of months this year to shrink some ovarian cysts that had grown quite large, but don't need birth control and hated the side effects so quit taking that after the cysts shrank. I had to take a monthly anti fungal to prevent a yeast infection that I would get every month. I ended the day with Zantac for reflux and Gas X almost every night for uncomfortable digestive issues. I also suffered from allergy and sinus issues and often had to take meds for that.
I was desperate for change and the 1300 calorie diet wasn't working and wasn't feasible for me. I have really been struggling emotionally this past year in dealing with these issues. I began doing lots of internet research...that is exhausting. It seems like everything contradicts everything else. After reading about Paleo on Average Married Dad's blog (and nutrition in his new book that I will review soon, "Average Married Dad's Guide to Health, Wealth, and a Sexy Marriage") and benefits of natural foods from 100 days of Real Food. I decided to try some natural, Paleo-like foods and cut out soda. I had read that processed foods could make a thyroid sluggish. That seemed to make me feel somewhat better although was a difficult transition, lots of work, and a bit expensive.
Then I read a book by Dr Hotze that I picked up at a used book store called, "Hormones, Health, and Happiness." His descriptions of my health and feeling like I was a hypochondriac were spot on. I cried...yes, I cried over a hormone book...surprised? What struck me as the most important was the chapter on yeast overgrowth. Signs of yeast overgrowth: fatigue, heartburn, craving sugar or bread products, moodiness, allergies, yeast infections, abdominal bloating, cramping, or gas. I talked to my ob/gyn about trying a yeast free diet instead of the Diflucan every month and he said yes, sometimes that works. I left thinking then why didn't you tell me that that might help? My endocrinologist when I asked her if there were any foods that could help my thyroid she had also told me no, not really. Yes, I know I probably need a new endocrinologist. In years past my gastroenterologist had diagnosed me with IBS. I had been tested for Celiac's as he thought that my symptoms were similar, but it came back negative. I read something interesting though in my research that just because you do not have an allergy to gluten that you may still be gluten intolerant...it's like the difference between a milk allergy and lactose intolerance. He never suggested trying a gluten free diet.
I decided to go on a strict yeast free diet for 4 weeks and see what happened. Day one...I did not have to take gas medicine. I had NO bloating on DAY ONE. The first few days I did crave sweets, but on the version of the diet I chose, I could have berries. I ordered a cookbook called "Simply Yeast Free" by Kindsey Neeson and Katy Langkamp...it seemed the easiest to follow and had some good looking recipes. It talked about how the cravings would be really hard, but I didn't find that they were too difficult and in fact I finally felt satisfied...coming off such a restrictive 1300 calories felt great. After week one, my allergies and sinus issues were minimized. I wouldn't say they were completely gone, but I no longer had to take medicine. After two weeks, my bad cravings were gone. After four weeks, I had lost ten pounds without trying. I had not seen the 160s in a long while:) The yeast free diet is a gradual diet where you can begin introducing certain foods after the restrictive period, but there are certain foods you should avoid. I don't eat bread, and I really don't miss it. Pasta is a little tougher...I miss my Italian Baked Ziti. I have found that the occasional tortilla does not bother me too much but I try to avoid them. I am eating a ton of fruits and vegetables which requires a lot of prep. That has taken some getting used to...but is worth it, because I feel great! It is not as expensive as I thought it would be because I don't eat as much.
Now, I am not saying this is for everyone, but if you feel badly you should try diet changes and see if you feel better. Is it the yeast, the gluten, the dairy...I don't really know for sure, but am trying different things and noting their effects. I have a friend whom if she doesn't have some sugar in her diet then she puts on weight...so you have to do what is best for you. I use a lot of Paleo recipes as they are easy to find and still eat out. It is a little more expensive at the grocery store but we don't pick up fast food as often so we have saved money there. The only issue that is left is some hair loss during certain times of the month that is a bit disturbing and my overactive bladder...although that is better since I quit the soda. I tried to have a soda the other day and couldn't finish it...it was making me feel sick. I still take my thyroid meds and vitamins and probably will always have to, but have saved money on all the over the counter meds I am not having to take. I did add a probiotic for now to help rebalance the good bacteria/yeast, but no longer need the Zantac.
So what does this have to do with my pantry? Well, it's pretty empty. I have this huge pantry and there is just not much in it. My kids and husband still have some bread and snacks, but I am slowly limiting some of that. There isn't much pasta or rice. I still make some of that for them, but notice that it bothers me. I still have some tortilla chips occasionally, but can't really have any other kind. Potatoes really seem to bother me, too. I have a lot of nuts, spices, and oils, but my baking "section" is very small. I have some almond flour, coconut flour and Stevia. My freezer and fridge stay full these days though:) I wiped down all the shelves and have a big bucket for snacks for the kids. I am trying to slowly switch them from the Goldfish and Cheeze-its to raisins, nuts, or applesauce etc. The dog food is in a container and I want to get some containers for all my nuts:) I feel good when I open the pantry door and AM starting to look better naked. Yeah! I will tell you about my exercise plan in another post. Oh and Levi has lost 5 pounds without trying...my healthy dinners I suppose. He hasn't started exercising, but as my weight melts away, he makes more and more comments about getting started:)
Now if I could just figure out why my hair keeps falling out before I need a wig...
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Confessions of a Recovering Nag: Part 2
I recently read an old article on nagging and how detrimental it is for your marriage. You can read it here: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052970203806504577180811554468728. If you want the short version: Nagging is dangerous for your relationship, it is a form of negative communication that can get worse over time if you don't change it, the writer calls it "The Marriage Killer", says it is more common than adultery and potentially as toxic. (not sure I would go THAT far, but I can see how over time it could be very damaging...like chipping away at intimacy and love...who wants to hang around someone who is constantly nagging)
I love statistics. They make sense to me, although you have to be careful that you understand the study that they derived from as they could very well be useless...but, I digress...statistics help me to put it into perspective. Dr. Howard J. Markman published some research in the Journal of Family Psychology in 2010 that concluded that "couples who became unhappy five years into their marriage had a roughly 20% increase in negative communication patterns consistent with nagging, and a 12% decrease in positive communication." It doesn't tell you how much nagging the couples had to begin with...I would guess that everyone has a bit of nagging in their relationship and that it can go both ways. It just says that it "increases" by 20%.
I asked Levi if I was a "nag". I told him to be honest with me and I think he was. He said no...that I sometimes nag...but that he would not call me a "nag". I asked what his definition of a nag was out of curiosity...if I nag but am not a "nag", then what is a "nag" to you? He actually named an old friend of ours. Her nagging was so bad that we just couldn't hang out with them any more. She was very negative and her husband never did anything right. He also never stood up for himself...it was painful to watch. So it sounds to me that a "nag", at least in my husband's definition is someone who does it more often and with criticism. So I guess it is kinda like the difference between "acting like a _________" to "being a_________" (insert negative name in the blank). Semantics.
Okay, good to know.
So, now what?
Well, I am trying to stop my nagging, but I have to say something or I just might explode. So what do I say? How do I say it? What happens when what I want still doesn't happen? What do I say then? I need the words that will get my feelings across without nagging.
What about when I am right
The main issue with this one is to make sure that I am not expressing my opinion in front of others or the kids. I probably need to discuss it way before we get into a situation also. So, using the kiddos watching a movie that I think is inappropriate: "I don't think that kid whichever is ready to watch certain movies because _________. I worry that _________." If he were to let them watch it anyway: "I am upset that you let kid whichever watch ___________. I am worried they will have nightmares or ____________."
When I am anxious
So what I should have said in regards to the lawn mower: "I am really scared about the gas fumes and I don't think I am going to be able to sleep. It's probably silly, but do you think we could move the lawn mower to the backyard?"
When I am feeling unheard, ignored, or unimportant
If I feel like like this then the nag is just for attention. The trick is to realize it myself. And then say, "I miss you" or "I feel like you aren't listening to me" or "I feel like ________ is not important to you, but it is very important to me." The key here is to make sure that it really is important to me...not everything is really all that important.
When I am feeling annoyed with him
I think that sometimes I just need a little a space and sometimes I just need to ask myself if it is really important or if I am just in a mood. If it is not important, then I need to let it go. (Dang it, now I have that song stuck in my head!)
When I am reminding him
I think I will just text him and let it go. (again with the song...hold on, I just have to get through the chorus) If he forgets something then they will be his consequences to deal with. I am NOT his mother and I need to trust that he will remember. How will he lead if I don't act like I trust him to?
When I am concerned about future consequences
I need to tell him...once...what I am concerned about and then again let him deal with it and let it go. I have a hard time with this one sometimes because of the running to do list in my brain. I have a hard time crossing it off the list if it isn't done. I heard a great description of a woman's brain once compared to your desktop. A man can open one thing on the desktop and then close it to open something else. Whereas a woman has a hard time closing things on her desktop until they are complete so they end up with all these things open on the desktop at once and begin to feel overwhelmed and can't stop thinking or worrying about the things that aren't done on her desktop. The programs are constantly running in the background and I can't fully focus on what I need to be doing at any given moment. I need to close the programs that are his responsibility and stop trying to force him to complete them when I want him too...wish it was as easy as a click of the mouse. An alternative to this is saying something like, "I know that you are really busy at work and it is hard for you to take the car for the oil change. Would you like to switch cars one day and I can take it for you?" or think of some other alternative to fix the problem so I can click the x.
The article also suggested that the "nagged" could also help the situation by stating when they will be able to accomplish something and then FOLLOWING THROUGH. Are you being nagged because you never do what you say you are going to? It also said the "nagged" will shut down or be turned away from what the nagger wants accomplished the more the nagger nags. It is a negative pattern that will continue if the cycle isn't stopped...the nagger nags, the nagged doesn't complete the nag, the nagger nags more, the nagged digs in his/her heels and really doesn't want to even be around the nagger, the nagger feels alone and unloved, the nagged feels badgered and not trusted. Sounds like fun.
I will be honest with you...this is a lot of work. Why can't he just know what I want when I want it. I know that is unrealistic, but ugh! Can't he see that the trash is full, that I am just worried and I need his reassurance, that I am stressed out and just need a bubble bath and a glass of wine, that I want to spend time with him, that I am a smart woman who might know a thing or two, can't he just see? I know it will be worth it if I can work on this and choose my words more carefully. Oh and the letting go part...so freakin' hard! I hope it gets easier with practice!
In what situations do you nag? Are you a recovering nag? What made it easier for you to stop nagging? Are you the nagged at your house? What do you do to stop being nagged?
I love statistics. They make sense to me, although you have to be careful that you understand the study that they derived from as they could very well be useless...but, I digress...statistics help me to put it into perspective. Dr. Howard J. Markman published some research in the Journal of Family Psychology in 2010 that concluded that "couples who became unhappy five years into their marriage had a roughly 20% increase in negative communication patterns consistent with nagging, and a 12% decrease in positive communication." It doesn't tell you how much nagging the couples had to begin with...I would guess that everyone has a bit of nagging in their relationship and that it can go both ways. It just says that it "increases" by 20%.
I asked Levi if I was a "nag". I told him to be honest with me and I think he was. He said no...that I sometimes nag...but that he would not call me a "nag". I asked what his definition of a nag was out of curiosity...if I nag but am not a "nag", then what is a "nag" to you? He actually named an old friend of ours. Her nagging was so bad that we just couldn't hang out with them any more. She was very negative and her husband never did anything right. He also never stood up for himself...it was painful to watch. So it sounds to me that a "nag", at least in my husband's definition is someone who does it more often and with criticism. So I guess it is kinda like the difference between "acting like a _________" to "being a_________" (insert negative name in the blank). Semantics.
Okay, good to know.
So, now what?
Well, I am trying to stop my nagging, but I have to say something or I just might explode. So what do I say? How do I say it? What happens when what I want still doesn't happen? What do I say then? I need the words that will get my feelings across without nagging.
What about when I am right
The main issue with this one is to make sure that I am not expressing my opinion in front of others or the kids. I probably need to discuss it way before we get into a situation also. So, using the kiddos watching a movie that I think is inappropriate: "I don't think that kid whichever is ready to watch certain movies because _________. I worry that _________." If he were to let them watch it anyway: "I am upset that you let kid whichever watch ___________. I am worried they will have nightmares or ____________."
When I am anxious
So what I should have said in regards to the lawn mower: "I am really scared about the gas fumes and I don't think I am going to be able to sleep. It's probably silly, but do you think we could move the lawn mower to the backyard?"
When I am feeling unheard, ignored, or unimportant
If I feel like like this then the nag is just for attention. The trick is to realize it myself. And then say, "I miss you" or "I feel like you aren't listening to me" or "I feel like ________ is not important to you, but it is very important to me." The key here is to make sure that it really is important to me...not everything is really all that important.
When I am feeling annoyed with him
I think that sometimes I just need a little a space and sometimes I just need to ask myself if it is really important or if I am just in a mood. If it is not important, then I need to let it go. (Dang it, now I have that song stuck in my head!)
When I am reminding him
I think I will just text him and let it go. (again with the song...hold on, I just have to get through the chorus) If he forgets something then they will be his consequences to deal with. I am NOT his mother and I need to trust that he will remember. How will he lead if I don't act like I trust him to?
When I am concerned about future consequences
I need to tell him...once...what I am concerned about and then again let him deal with it and let it go. I have a hard time with this one sometimes because of the running to do list in my brain. I have a hard time crossing it off the list if it isn't done. I heard a great description of a woman's brain once compared to your desktop. A man can open one thing on the desktop and then close it to open something else. Whereas a woman has a hard time closing things on her desktop until they are complete so they end up with all these things open on the desktop at once and begin to feel overwhelmed and can't stop thinking or worrying about the things that aren't done on her desktop. The programs are constantly running in the background and I can't fully focus on what I need to be doing at any given moment. I need to close the programs that are his responsibility and stop trying to force him to complete them when I want him too...wish it was as easy as a click of the mouse. An alternative to this is saying something like, "I know that you are really busy at work and it is hard for you to take the car for the oil change. Would you like to switch cars one day and I can take it for you?" or think of some other alternative to fix the problem so I can click the x.
The article also suggested that the "nagged" could also help the situation by stating when they will be able to accomplish something and then FOLLOWING THROUGH. Are you being nagged because you never do what you say you are going to? It also said the "nagged" will shut down or be turned away from what the nagger wants accomplished the more the nagger nags. It is a negative pattern that will continue if the cycle isn't stopped...the nagger nags, the nagged doesn't complete the nag, the nagger nags more, the nagged digs in his/her heels and really doesn't want to even be around the nagger, the nagger feels alone and unloved, the nagged feels badgered and not trusted. Sounds like fun.
I will be honest with you...this is a lot of work. Why can't he just know what I want when I want it. I know that is unrealistic, but ugh! Can't he see that the trash is full, that I am just worried and I need his reassurance, that I am stressed out and just need a bubble bath and a glass of wine, that I want to spend time with him, that I am a smart woman who might know a thing or two, can't he just see? I know it will be worth it if I can work on this and choose my words more carefully. Oh and the letting go part...so freakin' hard! I hope it gets easier with practice!
In what situations do you nag? Are you a recovering nag? What made it easier for you to stop nagging? Are you the nagged at your house? What do you do to stop being nagged?
Monday, August 18, 2014
A Procrastinator's Sunday Monday Song
We were driving back home last night from visiting family all weekend and I was exhausted...so here is your Sunday song on Monday.
A happy love song that makes you want to dance around, climb trees, and become an expert whistler from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros..."Home".
A happy love song that makes you want to dance around, climb trees, and become an expert whistler from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros..."Home".
Monday, August 11, 2014
Confessions of a Recovering Nag: Part 1
Hello, My name is Bea, it has been forty two...um...minutes since my last nag. Seriously?! Ugh.
So what does a recovering nag have to confess?
Sometimes I don't even know I am doing it. Sometimes I am truly trying to help. Sometimes I just know that my way is better. Sometimes I am just overwhelmed or stressed out and taking it out on him. Sometimes I am scared. Sometime it makes me feel better. Most times it does not accomplish what I want it to. Almost every time I should just keep my mouth shut.
Does this mean that I shouldn't tell Levi what I am feeling or share my opinion with him?...absolutely not. Nagging by definition is urging someone repeatedly to do something or stop doing something that they feel should or shouldn't be done. Elizabeth Bernstein in The Wall Street Journal stated that nagging is "the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed." The key word here is repeatedly. It doesn't say that one should not share their opinion or remind someone of something or suggest something once, but when done repeatedly it becomes nagging.
Why do I nag? In an effort to stop a certain behavior one should understand why they continue to repeat the behavior...a premise in behavioral psychology. What am I getting out of it? What would be a better way to get what I want? The problem with nagging is that it isn't always done for the same reasons...at least for me, and I am quite sure that I am not alone.
When I thought about it for a moment, I could think of several reasons I nag:
I am right
Oh how I love to be right and often am...just saying. My most recent nag was why a four year old should not watch a PG-13 movie. Or an 8 year old for that matter, but I was most concerned about the 4 year old and thankfully she fell asleep watching it or my nagging would have persisted. The dangerous part of this nag is that because I am right, it is implied that you are...well...wrong. And because I am so right, this nag often occurs in front of other people or in this case our kids...ouch.
I am anxious
Levi had been working on our lawn mower and it was leaking gasoline. He was able to catch it with a funnel and cup and when it stopped, he wheeled it into the garage. When I went into the garage later to put something in our recycle bin, the fumes were so strong it almost made me sick. I opened the garage to let it air out, but I couldn't let it go. Can gas fumes spontaneously combust? Was this a fire hazard (our garage is attached)? Should we do something? I was picturing the house catching on fire and it was time for us to go to bed. I finally suggested after all of these questions that maybe we (I really meant Levi) should move the lawn mower into the backyard. Levi obliged me and I was able to sleep.
I feel unheard, ignored, or unimportant
This is the "don't you see that I am overwhelmed" nag, the "how can you not hear your kid" nag, the "don't you care?" nag, the "all you do is play video games...watch tv...work" nag. This is often the guilt inducing nag. I feel hurt or ignored and nag about something stupid like the dishes or what I am doing and you aren't and try to make myself feel better under the guise of sharing my hurts. It is really just nagging as a punishment for ignoring me.
I am annoyed with him
Plain and simple...he is driving me crazy in regards to something. Not putting a bag in the trash can after he takes out the trash. Rinsing the dishes but not putting them in the dishwasher. Leaving towels on the bathroom floor. We all have those irritating things that drive us batty. I know that he is annoyed when I leave my shoes all over the house and that is just one of the many things that I do that drive him crazy I am sure. Most of the time I don't nag about them, but if I am irritable or annoyed for any other reason then my tolerance for those things is low. So, if I am nagging about these things then I am probably stressed out about something else.
I am reminding him
This comes down to a lack of faith that he will take care of something on his own without me reminding him about it and I feel responsible. Did you make your doctor appointment? Did you remember that you have to do your bloodwork before you go? Did you remember that kid whichever has whatever and you are taking him wherever at whenever? Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget.
I am worried about consequences of inaction
The last reason that I can think of that I nag is because I can see several steps ahead and worry about the future results. So I suppose this is really a combination of "I'm right" with "I'm anxious". Levi is 7,000 miles over his oil change. I can picture the engine having some major issue because he won't take the time to change his oil. His "fixed" windshield leaks...I can see the damage from the dripping during the next rainstorm, figure the warranty is probably voided from the manufacturer, worry that he has waited so long to take it back to the shop that they will consider the problem not theirs anymore, worry that the side curtain air bags may not properly work in an accident as that is where the water drips, drips, drips all over whoever is sitting there. Usually this one has to do with how much something will end up costing because we didn't take care of it and since I pay the bills, then it adds stress.
Speaking of dripping:
Proverbs 27:15 says "A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day."
Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."
Proverb 21:9 says "It is better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Well, I don't want Levi to live on the roof, or wish himself there for that matter. I certainly don't want to be an annoying drip or mess up our "house" or marriage with nagging either.
In part 2, I will tell you how I am trying to get better at communicating and stop the incessant nagging and what I do with those feelings that are trying to be communicated without blowing my top and still being able to tell Levi how I am feeling. (This is a work in progress and I am far from mastering these skills, but I am trying to restore the intimacy in my marriage and nagging is not helping me. I am by no means an expert in this area and appreciate any feedback!)
So what does a recovering nag have to confess?
Sometimes I don't even know I am doing it. Sometimes I am truly trying to help. Sometimes I just know that my way is better. Sometimes I am just overwhelmed or stressed out and taking it out on him. Sometimes I am scared. Sometime it makes me feel better. Most times it does not accomplish what I want it to. Almost every time I should just keep my mouth shut.
Does this mean that I shouldn't tell Levi what I am feeling or share my opinion with him?...absolutely not. Nagging by definition is urging someone repeatedly to do something or stop doing something that they feel should or shouldn't be done. Elizabeth Bernstein in The Wall Street Journal stated that nagging is "the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed." The key word here is repeatedly. It doesn't say that one should not share their opinion or remind someone of something or suggest something once, but when done repeatedly it becomes nagging.
Why do I nag? In an effort to stop a certain behavior one should understand why they continue to repeat the behavior...a premise in behavioral psychology. What am I getting out of it? What would be a better way to get what I want? The problem with nagging is that it isn't always done for the same reasons...at least for me, and I am quite sure that I am not alone.
When I thought about it for a moment, I could think of several reasons I nag:
I am right
Oh how I love to be right and often am...just saying. My most recent nag was why a four year old should not watch a PG-13 movie. Or an 8 year old for that matter, but I was most concerned about the 4 year old and thankfully she fell asleep watching it or my nagging would have persisted. The dangerous part of this nag is that because I am right, it is implied that you are...well...wrong. And because I am so right, this nag often occurs in front of other people or in this case our kids...ouch.
I am anxious
Levi had been working on our lawn mower and it was leaking gasoline. He was able to catch it with a funnel and cup and when it stopped, he wheeled it into the garage. When I went into the garage later to put something in our recycle bin, the fumes were so strong it almost made me sick. I opened the garage to let it air out, but I couldn't let it go. Can gas fumes spontaneously combust? Was this a fire hazard (our garage is attached)? Should we do something? I was picturing the house catching on fire and it was time for us to go to bed. I finally suggested after all of these questions that maybe we (I really meant Levi) should move the lawn mower into the backyard. Levi obliged me and I was able to sleep.
I feel unheard, ignored, or unimportant
This is the "don't you see that I am overwhelmed" nag, the "how can you not hear your kid" nag, the "don't you care?" nag, the "all you do is play video games...watch tv...work" nag. This is often the guilt inducing nag. I feel hurt or ignored and nag about something stupid like the dishes or what I am doing and you aren't and try to make myself feel better under the guise of sharing my hurts. It is really just nagging as a punishment for ignoring me.
I am annoyed with him
Plain and simple...he is driving me crazy in regards to something. Not putting a bag in the trash can after he takes out the trash. Rinsing the dishes but not putting them in the dishwasher. Leaving towels on the bathroom floor. We all have those irritating things that drive us batty. I know that he is annoyed when I leave my shoes all over the house and that is just one of the many things that I do that drive him crazy I am sure. Most of the time I don't nag about them, but if I am irritable or annoyed for any other reason then my tolerance for those things is low. So, if I am nagging about these things then I am probably stressed out about something else.
I am reminding him
This comes down to a lack of faith that he will take care of something on his own without me reminding him about it and I feel responsible. Did you make your doctor appointment? Did you remember that you have to do your bloodwork before you go? Did you remember that kid whichever has whatever and you are taking him wherever at whenever? Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget.
I am worried about consequences of inaction
The last reason that I can think of that I nag is because I can see several steps ahead and worry about the future results. So I suppose this is really a combination of "I'm right" with "I'm anxious". Levi is 7,000 miles over his oil change. I can picture the engine having some major issue because he won't take the time to change his oil. His "fixed" windshield leaks...I can see the damage from the dripping during the next rainstorm, figure the warranty is probably voided from the manufacturer, worry that he has waited so long to take it back to the shop that they will consider the problem not theirs anymore, worry that the side curtain air bags may not properly work in an accident as that is where the water drips, drips, drips all over whoever is sitting there. Usually this one has to do with how much something will end up costing because we didn't take care of it and since I pay the bills, then it adds stress.
Speaking of dripping:
Proverbs 27:15 says "A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day."
Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."
Proverb 21:9 says "It is better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Well, I don't want Levi to live on the roof, or wish himself there for that matter. I certainly don't want to be an annoying drip or mess up our "house" or marriage with nagging either.
In part 2, I will tell you how I am trying to get better at communicating and stop the incessant nagging and what I do with those feelings that are trying to be communicated without blowing my top and still being able to tell Levi how I am feeling. (This is a work in progress and I am far from mastering these skills, but I am trying to restore the intimacy in my marriage and nagging is not helping me. I am by no means an expert in this area and appreciate any feedback!)
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Sunday's song
I had the chance to meet this band before a performance a couple of years ago and they all seemed genuine good guys. I am usually a very good judge of character...they were real in a way that other musicians I have had the chance to meet have not been. I love their new song:
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Skin Deep
My daughter is four years old and she loves to play dress up. She particularly likes accessories. She will throw on a fairy dress, a couple of necklaces, a ring, a purse, play shoes, a headband and about 5 different clips all willy nilly in her hair. I wish I could share a picture of her (this cutie is not mine), as she has got to be the cutest thing ever. She then attempts a grand entrance and waits for her accolades. Everyone exclaims how pretty she looks and with a satisfied grin she hurries off to try on something else.
Everyone is always telling her how beautiful she is...which she is of course...but I wonder at the long term effects of constantly hearing that wherever you go. I have taught her that it is important to say thank you and am trying to teach her modesty as a few times she has replied with "I know". Ugh. Eye roll. Fine line between confidence and vanity my dear.
She often remarks on women she finds beautiful and much to a slight mixture of embarrassment and pride it is often loudly enough for them to hear. The great thing is that what she finds beautiful is not yet what the world finds beautiful. For example, she loudly exclaimed how beautiful a woman was at the grocery store the other day. The woman did not turn from her inspection of pasta sauces and did not appear to hear. I replied with, "Yes dear, she is." I have learned that if I don't make some reply, then she just exclaims louder until I acknowledge her. She then said, "Her hair looks so beautiful!" The woman looked up and down the aisle and realizing that we were alone looked surprisingly at us. My daughter was looking at her with a sort of awe and I smiled slightly embarrassed and nodded to the lady's unasked question of "who me?". The woman replied joyously with thank you and returned to her grocery shopping with a grin. Her hair truly was gorgeous and that is what my sweet daughter saw. The woman was not however what the world would call beautiful and she probably does not hear it often. There was a delivery lady the other day walking by as we waited for her brother to get out of tutoring. Again my daughter remarked on the woman's beauty. The woman had the most beautiful skin. You could tell by the look on her face that she did not believe my daughter but said "thank you" anyway and sauntered off with a little grin. I would assume that she is probably thinking, "Sure kid, here I am sweating like crazy in my delivery uniform." She did have gorgeous skin though...like coffee with a touch of cream.
My boys are very different. I will remark on how handsome they are or how great their new haircut is and the oldest could care less and my middle child tries to hide. They are both much more comfortable in a pair of athletic shorts and a t-shirt. My oldest likes to dress up occasionally especially as he gets older and is trying to impress and my middle child hates dressing up. He acts as if I am torturing him. They both seem to have positive self images. My middle child could not understand one day why I would be plucking my eyebrows...he exclaimed in shock, "Doesn't that hurt?" and I replied that it did a little. "Then why do you do it!?" was his forthright response. "Well, uh..." What do you say to that? Women do a lot of things because the world tells them it is what is deemed beautiful. My boys have more difficulty with being able to do something well or not...they don't really seem to care too much about their outward appearance, at least for now.
This girl thing is a bit new to me and I really want to get this right. I do not have the best body image, but I don't want my body image issues to transfer to my daughter. I also don't want her to think herself better than others because of her beauty. There is a balance here and I just pray I don't mess this up. I have amazing kids and I think Levi and I are doing a pretty good job at this parenting thing, but I can tell you that I have NO idea what I am doing. Messing this part up can have horrible effects on our kids' sense of self and their health.
I have a friend whose mother was so critical and concerned about everything that she ate, that she ended up with bulimia and still struggles with it. When I was in college, bulimia was a major issue in our dorm. Our neighbor had to lock up her food so that her roommate wouldn't eat it all and then run down the hall to the bathroom. The girl was beautiful but she just couldn't see it. I read a book recently called "I'm no Angel" by Kylie Bisutti a former Victoria Secret model whose descriptions of life as a supermodel and starving herself so that she kept her model body were disturbing to say the least. She quit the business when she realized how bad this was for her and out of respect for her husband. This is what our sons and daughters see and think they have to be...but most models do not come by this body without some unhealthy sacrifices.
I also don't want her thinking that she can eat whatever she wants and just lay around and do nothing either. Overeating is just as dangerous and unhealthy as not eating. I am overweight and all the women in my family struggle with weight. It is not something that I have always struggled with, although I thought I was overweight in high school and college, I really wasn't. A lot of my weight has come with poor food choices and lack of exercise when our children arrived. I didn't put on a lot of weight with any of the kids, but couldn't lose all of it either. And the kids got all of my attention...I kind of lost focus or balance for self care. I put Levi and the kids first and didn't have anything left for me. Of course my recent issues after my partial thyroidectomy and hypothyroidism have made matters worse (as well as aging). I think I have found the solution to that as I have recently lost ten pounds. I am very careful about what I say in front of my daughter. I don't call it a diet, I call it eating healthy. I will talk about those choices in another post. I am better about self-care now as it is easier now that my kids are older and don't require as much of that constant attention. I still need to lose at least 15-20 pounds, but more importantly I want to feel good in my skin.
Some days I like what I see in the mirror and then I will see a picture of myself or pass a mirror somewhere and feel badly about what I see. I try to focus on loving the things I love about myself (and what Levi loves as he is the one that has to look at me everyday), working on the things I can change and accepting the things I cannot (I'll never be taller for instance and those stretch marks are there to stay). Sometimes, though, I can get very down about how I look. It can eat away at me and no amount of positive self talk seems to help. I will compare myself to others and wonder why I can't look like them. How can I keep my daughter from feeling this way? How can I help her to love her body, take care of it, and have a healthy body image?
I have no idea...
-I do know that kids learn by example not by what you tell them and I need to at least fake a healthy body image and not be self critical in front of her. That whole do as I say, not as I do form of parenting does not work.
-We are doing a lot more family walks, bike rides, soccer games, etc. so that we are giving our kids an active lifestyle and I have support for my exercise. We make sure our kids are involved in a physical activity of some kind, whether a team or individual sport, scouts, swimming etc. We make sure they don't sit around all day and play video games or watch television.
-We are also teaching them to live healthfully and she loves helping me in the kitchen. I want to teach all of my children how to cook so that they don't leave this house not knowing how to make anything except Ramen noodles and warming up some hot dogs and hopefully making some healthy choices with their food.
-I want to show them what true beauty is and not what the world says it is. I have friends whose hearts are so amazing that they seem to glow from the inside out. It is like their inner beauty spills out to make their "imperfections" on the outside not matter. I want all my kids to have that glowing heart.
-I want to try to limit unhealthy media while she is young and impressionable. This video is eye opening. There is only so much that I can do about billboards and advertisements in the mall or magazine covers at the grocery store, but I will educate my children about photoshop and advertising and I am very careful about what magazines and catalogs are around the house and what commercials or other television she is allowed to watch. I wonder how photoshop effects our young boys too...does it give them an unrealistic view of beauty? Although, I feel a bit hypocritical about photoshop as I plan to choose someone good at photoshop for some pictures that I want to give to Levi.
What else can I do? How do you try to instill a healthy body image in your kids?
Sunday, August 3, 2014
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