Confessions of a Recovering Nag: Part 1

Hello, My name is Bea, it has been forty two...um...minutes since my last nag.  Seriously?!  Ugh.

So what does a recovering nag have to confess?

Sometimes I don't even know I am doing it.  Sometimes I am truly trying to help.  Sometimes I just know that my way is better.  Sometimes I am just overwhelmed or stressed out and taking it out on him.  Sometimes I am scared.  Sometime it makes me feel better.  Most times it does not accomplish what I want it to.  Almost every time I should just keep my mouth shut.

Does this mean that I shouldn't tell Levi what I am feeling or share my opinion with him?...absolutely not.  Nagging by definition is urging someone repeatedly to do something or stop doing something that they feel should or shouldn't be done.  Elizabeth Bernstein in The Wall Street Journal stated that nagging is "the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed."  The key word here is repeatedly.  It doesn't say that one should not share their opinion or remind someone of something or suggest something once, but when done repeatedly it becomes nagging.

Why do I nag?  In an effort to stop a certain behavior one should understand why they continue to repeat the behavior...a premise in behavioral psychology.  What am I getting out of it?  What would be a better way to get what I want?  The problem with nagging is that it isn't always done for the same reasons...at least for me, and I am quite sure that I am not alone.

When I thought about it for a moment, I could think of several reasons I nag:

I am right
Oh how I love to be right and often am...just saying.  My most recent nag was why a four year old should not watch a PG-13 movie.  Or an 8 year old for that matter, but I was most concerned about the 4 year old and thankfully she fell asleep watching it or my nagging would have persisted.  The dangerous part of this nag is that because I am right, it is implied that you are...well...wrong.  And because I am so right, this nag often occurs in front of other people or in this case our kids...ouch.

I am anxious
Levi had been working on our lawn mower and it was leaking gasoline.  He was able to catch it with a funnel and cup and when it stopped, he wheeled it into the garage.  When I went into the garage later to put something in our recycle bin, the fumes were so strong it almost made me sick.  I opened the garage to let it air out, but I couldn't let it go.  Can gas fumes spontaneously combust? Was this a fire hazard (our garage is attached)? Should we do something?  I was picturing the house catching on fire and it was time for us to go to bed.  I finally suggested after all of these questions that maybe we (I really meant Levi) should move the lawn mower into the backyard.  Levi obliged me and I was able to sleep.

I feel unheard, ignored, or unimportant
This is the "don't you see that I am overwhelmed" nag, the "how can you not hear your kid" nag, the "don't you care?" nag, the "all you do is play video games...watch tv...work" nag.  This is often the guilt inducing nag.  I feel hurt or ignored and nag about something stupid like the dishes or what I am doing and you aren't and try to make myself feel better under the guise of sharing my hurts.  It is really just nagging as a punishment for ignoring me.

I am annoyed with him
Plain and simple...he is driving me crazy in regards to something.  Not putting a bag in the trash can after he takes out the trash.  Rinsing the dishes but not putting them in the dishwasher.  Leaving towels on the bathroom floor.  We all have those irritating things that drive us batty.  I know that he is annoyed when I leave my shoes all over the house and that is just one of the many things that I do that drive him crazy I am sure.  Most of the time I don't nag about them, but if I am irritable or annoyed for any other reason then my tolerance for those things is low.  So, if I am nagging about these things then I am probably stressed out about something else.

I am reminding him
This comes down to a lack of faith that he will take care of something on his own without me reminding him about it and I feel responsible.  Did you make your doctor appointment?  Did you remember that you have to do your bloodwork before you go?  Did you remember that kid whichever has whatever and you are taking him wherever at whenever?  Don't forget.  Don't forget.  Don't forget.

I am worried about consequences of inaction
The last reason that I can think of that I nag is because I can see several steps ahead and worry about the future results.  So I suppose this is really a combination of "I'm right" with "I'm anxious".  Levi is 7,000 miles over his oil change.  I can picture the engine having some major issue because he won't take the time to change his oil.  His "fixed" windshield leaks...I can see the damage from the dripping during the next rainstorm, figure the warranty is probably voided from the manufacturer, worry that he has waited so long to take it back to the shop that they will consider the problem not theirs anymore, worry that the side curtain air bags may not properly work in an accident as that is where the water drips, drips, drips all over whoever is sitting there.  Usually this one has to do with how much something will end up costing because we didn't take care of it and since I pay the bills, then it adds stress.

Speaking of dripping:

Proverbs 27:15 says "A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day."
Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."
Proverb 21:9 says "It is better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Well, I don't want Levi to live on the roof, or wish himself there for that matter. I certainly don't want to be an annoying drip or mess up our "house" or marriage with nagging either.

In part 2, I will tell you how I am trying to get better at communicating and stop the incessant nagging and what I do with those feelings that are trying to be communicated without blowing my top and still being able to tell Levi how I am feeling.  (This is a work in progress and I am far from mastering these skills, but I am trying to restore the intimacy in my marriage and nagging is not helping me.  I am by no means an expert in this area and appreciate any feedback!)