Confessions of a Recovering Nag: Part 2

I recently read an old article on nagging and how detrimental it is for your marriage.  You can read it here: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052970203806504577180811554468728.  If you want the short version: Nagging is dangerous for your relationship, it is a form of negative communication that can get worse over time if you don't change it, the writer calls it "The Marriage Killer", says it is more common than adultery and potentially as toxic.  (not sure I would go THAT far, but I can see how over time it could be very damaging...like chipping away at intimacy and love...who wants to hang around someone who is constantly nagging)

I love statistics.  They make sense to me, although you have to be careful that you understand the study that they derived from as they could very well be useless...but, I digress...statistics help me to put it into perspective.  Dr. Howard J. Markman published some research in the Journal of Family Psychology in 2010 that concluded that "couples who became unhappy five years into their marriage had a roughly 20% increase in negative communication patterns consistent with nagging, and a 12% decrease in positive communication."  It doesn't tell you how much nagging the couples had to begin with...I would guess that everyone has a bit of nagging in their relationship and that it can go both ways.  It just says that it "increases" by 20%.

I asked Levi if I was a "nag".  I told him to be honest with me and I think he was.  He said no...that I sometimes nag...but that he would not call me a "nag".  I asked what his definition of a nag was out of curiosity...if I nag but am not a "nag", then what is a "nag" to you?  He actually named an old friend of ours.  Her nagging was so bad that we just couldn't hang out with them any more.  She was very negative and her husband never did anything right.  He also never stood up for himself...it was painful to watch.  So it sounds to me that a "nag", at least in my husband's definition is someone who does it more often and with criticism.  So I guess it is kinda like the difference between "acting like a _________" to "being a_________" (insert negative name in the blank).  Semantics.

Okay, good to know.

 So, now what?

Well, I am trying to stop my nagging, but I have to say something or I just might explode.  So what do I say?  How do I say it?  What happens when what I want still doesn't happen?  What do I say then?  I need the words that will get my feelings across without nagging.

What about when I am right

The main issue with this one is to make sure that I am not expressing my opinion in front of others or the kids.  I probably need to discuss it way before we get into a situation also.  So, using the kiddos watching a movie that I think is inappropriate: "I don't think that kid whichever is ready to watch certain movies because _________.  I worry that _________."  If he were to let them watch it anyway: "I am upset that you let kid whichever watch ___________.  I am worried they will have nightmares or ____________."

When I am anxious

So what I should have said in regards to the lawn mower: "I am really scared about the gas fumes and I don't think I am going to be able to sleep.  It's probably silly, but do you think we could move the lawn mower to the backyard?"

When I am feeling unheard, ignored, or unimportant

If I feel like like this then the nag is just for attention.  The trick is to realize it myself.  And then say, "I miss you" or "I feel like you aren't listening to me" or "I feel like ________ is not important to you, but it is very important to me."  The key here is to make sure that it really is important to me...not everything is really all that important.

When I am feeling annoyed with him

I think that sometimes I just need a little a space and sometimes I just need to ask myself if it is really important or if I am just in a mood.  If it is not important, then I need to let it go.  (Dang it, now I have that song stuck in my head!)

When I am reminding him

I think I will just text him and let it go.  (again with the song...hold on, I just have to get through the chorus)  If he forgets something then they will be his consequences to deal with.  I am NOT his mother and I need to trust that he will remember.  How will he lead if I don't act like I trust him to?

When I am concerned about future consequences

I need to tell him...once...what I am concerned about and then again let him deal with it and let it go.  I have a hard time with this one sometimes because of the running to do list in my brain.  I have a hard time crossing it off the list if it isn't done.  I heard a great description of a woman's brain once compared to your desktop.  A man can open one thing on the desktop and then close it to open something else.  Whereas a woman has a hard time closing things on her desktop until they are complete so they end up with all these things open on the desktop at once and begin to feel overwhelmed and can't stop thinking or worrying about the things that aren't done on her desktop.  The programs are constantly running in the background and I can't fully focus on what I need to be doing at any given moment.  I need to close the programs that are his responsibility and stop trying to force him to complete them when I want him too...wish it was as easy as a click of the mouse.  An alternative to this is saying something like, "I know that you are really busy at work and it is hard for you to take the car for the oil change.  Would you like to switch cars one day and I can take it for you?" or think of some other alternative to fix the problem so I can click the x.

The article also suggested that the "nagged" could also help the situation by stating when they will be able to accomplish something and then FOLLOWING THROUGH.  Are you being nagged because you never do what you say you are going to?  It also said the "nagged" will shut down or be turned away from what the nagger wants accomplished the more the nagger nags.  It is a negative pattern that will continue if the cycle isn't stopped...the nagger nags, the nagged doesn't complete the nag, the nagger nags more, the nagged digs in his/her heels and really doesn't want to even be around the nagger, the nagger feels alone and unloved, the nagged feels badgered and not trusted.  Sounds like fun.

I will be honest with you...this is a lot of work.  Why can't he just know what I want when I want it.  I know that is unrealistic, but ugh!  Can't he see that the trash is full, that I am just worried and I need his reassurance, that I am stressed out and just need a bubble bath and a glass of wine, that I want to spend time with him, that I am a smart woman who might know a thing or two, can't he just see?  I know it will be worth it if I can work on this and choose my words more carefully.  Oh and the letting go part...so freakin' hard!  I hope it gets easier with practice!

In what situations do you nag?  Are you a recovering nag?  What made it easier for you to stop nagging?  Are you the nagged at your house?  What do you do to stop being nagged?