I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and apparently I can't (as much as I want to believe it) do two things at once. I can't seem to blog when I am in thinking mode. Sure, I have been very busy lately, but that isn't the reason that I haven't been around. Oh and I could probably blame it on stress, or kids, or broken vehicles, or a myriad of other things, but the truth is I have been thinking.
I am a thinker. I seem to have to think something to death before I can decide on something, which can be extremely frustrating. I wish I was one of those people that can make a decision and just jump in with both feet. If you know someone like this, please be patient with them. I guarantee you they probably wish they could be different. I TRY to accept what just is, so I seem to stand on the sidelines, observe for a while, imagine myself there, go through all the possible what ifs, and finally decide on something. Sometimes I jump in and think, "Why did I take so long? This rocks!", and sometimes I think, "Oh Hell no, this is NOT what I thought." and proceed to jump right back out. And sometimes I walk away feeling like it isn't worth the risk or know that it wouldn't work for me.
I seem to be stuck. Oh yes, I am good and stuck. I have decided a few things...truths for myself. I suppose where I am stuck is what to do about it. The problem is that I have done a lot all by myself. Gosh I really hate it when people are vague, don't you?! This is why I can't seem to blog. I can't seem to share myself until I have it all worked out in my head, but isn't this what this is for? I can pour out my brain here and along the way I can figure it out. So, here is a bit of randomness that I can pour out. I can say that who knows if I will feel the same next week on some of these issues, but here is where I am at right now.
My marriage is important to me.
I am trying to be the best wife that I can be...it's exhausting.
Maybe I should just focus on being the best me that I can be.
Levi thinks it is strange that I am wanting to check in with our marriage.
I think he feels threatened.
What I can't seem to get across to him is that I love him.
I want us to have an amazing marriage.
I certainly understand that relationships have highs and lows.
Our marriage is good.
It's not great.
I am just trying to be connected, plugged in, hot for each other.
Kids...gotta love em...but they do get in the way a bit sometimes.
You are probably reading this and upset that I am saying the kids get in the way.
It's the truth whether I want to admit it or not...adorable they are and I wouldn't have it any other way.
But I have a fear of waking up one day and not knowing the man next to me.
(the man being Levi...just in case you aren't following me)
I can't follow myself sometimes...hence the thinking.
Do you ever get irritated when someone you disagree with on some things is right about other things?
Then you have to give someone credit for being right about something you thought was wrong.
Ugh.
Especially when you thought you were right?
Maybe you are still right, but just aren't giving it enough time?
Maybe you are just too focused on someone else?
Or maybe you are feeling an intervention coming and want to figure out what to say?
Yes, probably that other one.
Someone told me that me surrendering wouldn't work.
I will have to admit that he is partially right.
Surrendering "alone" won't work for us.
Not alone...by yourself...but alone...without someone else.
Follow me there?
No?
Let me try it this way.
I can't do marriage by myself.
I need Levi to do it to, to care, to plug in, to want us to be hot, to want us to be great.
I need him to want to do this with me, to want to be a better him for us.
I can only change myself, you say?
I shouldn't be focused on him being different, you say?
I should just keep trying, you say?
All true, I say.
After God, my marriage should be my priority.
Then kids, work, family, friends, interests, etc.
(keep in mind that this is for me...not judging you if you disagree)
Levi would like for things to just be like they are...what's wrong with where we are at?
Nothing really.
But why have a stale store bought chocolate chip cookie when you can have a warm, gooey, fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookie?
Sure, it's edible, but is it worth the calories.
Don't freak out here...some of you may be thinking...oh dear, she is going to leave him or something.
Cow Patty.
(That's a nice way to say something else, in case you didn't follow me there)
Just pourin' out my thoughts over hear if you made it this far.
Pat yourself on the back.
Squirrel (if you don't get this reference...watch Up)
Whenever I try to sign my name on a comment on my phone, my auto correct tries to write Bra instead of Bea...so if you ever get a comment from Bra...well, you know it is me.
Like that change of subject?
I am leaving you with a song...The Civil Wars rocks if you haven't heard them...their harmony is amazing and this is one of my favorite songs of theirs. They are not married to each other but are married and when asked what this song was about, they said it was about the ups and downs of marriage. (basically-paraphrasing here).
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Ooh, your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
The less I give, the more I get back
Ooh, your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will, I always will, I always will
I always will, I always will
I always will, I always will
Apparently I was late for Love our Lurkers...if you lurk on my blog, I am sorry:) Just kidding...hopefully you will come out and say hi sometime.
Sorry to say it, whoever said that, and maybe it was me, is right or at least I agree with him.
ReplyDeleteYou can't "surrender" (your word, that's why it's in quotes) without him wanting to lead.
I will say this, I do think you guys have come a long way in a year, at least from an outsider's perspective. It's not a race, you have your whole lives to work on your marriage together.
And who is to say this is the way it will or should be. It's all about balance and maybe that balance between Levi leading and you "surrendering" needs to be tweaked a bit.
Like I have said before, recognizing that marriage is always going to be work, and doing something about it is a much bigger step than most couples make in the first place.
Lastly, (long comment) if you are feeling conflicted or find yourself "thinking" a lot, why not just make it simple on yourself. Focus on little things, like having a nice hug in the morning or before bed or whatever.
And be thankful you don't have snow on the ground and 9 hours of sunlight at this time of year. ;)
~PB
LOL! I suppose I should be thankful that I am shivering in my 50 degree weather:)
DeleteWe do make sure we kiss before he leaves and when he gets home, things have just been meh lately. I know it will get better but thinking the ball is in his court. I have done what I can at the present moment. We are fine and hopefully I didn't make the post sound like we aren't, just roomatish...roomatesque...oh hell, like roomates:)
I believe you told me that he would have to want to lead for it to work completely, but didn't discount that the things I was doing would help. Athol told me that it wouldn't work...my surrendering. He was half right...it certainly has helped, but not to the extent I wanted it to. I have nothing against the guy...he helps a lot of people, but I am a Christian, 80% nurture woman and he is an Atheist 80% nature man. We just wouldn't agree on a lot...but he halfway got me there...I hate admitting I was wrong...can you tell? Can't even give him the whole way...just halfway...laughing at myself as I type this:)
I just wish that I could get Levi to see that working on our marriage is a good thing...not something to ignore or be afraid of.
Bea
Oh just ask him to spank you already! Come to the dark side I know that is what you want *wink*.
ReplyDeleteLook, I hate to disappoint you here, but you are not unique ( ack Harsh Willie....Bea knows what I mean). We are a big huge group of over thinkers. I think I am leading the charge. Or am I ? Wait what does that mean? LOL
I understand exactly what you have said here. (Of course that is a truly frightening thought for another discussion at another time), Your marriage SHOULD be top priority. Yes. Kids are in the mix, but some day they will be gone. Not to mention if you have a good to great marriage your children have a good to great childhood. It trickles into everything else. Every aspect of your life
Barney used to feel like Levi. It works. Why 'fix it" ? I was like you, needing more. After HELL YEAR, lol, he knows the feeling of better. He now wants it too. In turn the times when we are stale aren't so heart wrenching for me anymore because I know together we are going to work back to great again. Lillie once said to me that ttwd is just like any other marriage, we have moments of greatness and then we spend the rest of the time trying to get back there. The issue becomes when you stop trying to 'get back there'.
Love ya...willie
( dark side...I tell ya the cookies are great!)
LOL Wilma! Can one call onseself a closet spanko if everyone knows you like it? I have done a lot of thinking about it and have come to the conclusion that at this point...I don't trust my manipulative skills to stay at bay if Levi was to spank. I enjoy it and it would get me the attention that I am craving...not a good combo, I am afraid. What I need is for Levi to engage.
DeleteThat wasn't harsh, at least not to me if others think that...that is why I tell you guys all this stuff, because I know that I am not alone out there and y'all won't think I am crazy, ...or...won't tell me I am crazy, ...or...well, at least I won't be crazy alone:) I just wish I could get Levi to understand that our marriage and working on it is not something to ignore or be afraid of.
Bea
Hi Bea,
ReplyDeleteI think and think and think some more. The thoughts swirl through my brain. I so understand what you are saying as I am a thinker too. And I understand the feeling of wanting more. I want to work on our marriage, make it better, help us to become closer. My husband has always thought we were good as we are. And the reality is we are good. We are content. But I need more. And as for kids. I LOVE my kids. I would live and die for them. They are my everything. But your words are valid. They do get in the way sometimes when you are trying to share more intimicacy and more closeness in your marriage. It is hard to find the balance...but I will still keep trying because someday when the kids are grown and we are left to just each other, I want to be together...not feel alone with nothing to say even though we are right next to each other. I want the hot gooey chocolate chip cookies right out of hte oven! :-) Geeze...now I want a cookie too and I gave up sugar the beginning of the week...:-) Thank-you for sharing your feelings and know you are not alone. Hugs
See you got it all in one paragraph...I had to ramble for several:) Exactly...yes!
DeleteSorry for your craving:) Sugar free cookies just aren't the same are they:)
Bea
Ah my dear Spanko friend....I would never encourage you to do something you don't feel comfortable with, BUT if that is your soul reason for not wanting ttwd, your fear of manipulating Levi...pffft! You may at times, but I know you ...KNOW you right? You will concur that too, because that is not in the spirit of it.
ReplyDeleteALSO sitting here with a very tender part of my anatomy, well lets just say it is like offering kids a chocolate bar after they have had a bag of them! Sometimes you are like. No really I'm good...I"M GOOD!!!!
conquer ...good Lord...CONQUER
ReplyDeleteThere is a term for what you're doing - Mind Blogging - it's a way of thinking things through, then you come here to capture them so they don't run too wildly through your head. VERY therapeutic.
ReplyDeleteI often think Nick wishes I'd just quit thinking enjoy what is. I'm not sure women are built that way. I give him a break when I can and when I have to say something, when I need something, I email him. It give me the time to think it through and say exactly what I want to, to him and he can read it think about it and respond - by email or by talking. Works for us.
I agree, I think we women were made different...I have to process...I try not to subject Levi to it too often:) I think, think, think and then condense things to several sentences. I haven't been able to do that and come up with anything coherent...I will get there:)
DeleteWe don't know if something works until we try, Ff it works fine, it not, try something else. Life is a series of choices - make your choice to live in the NOW and tomorrow will take care of itself.
ReplyDeleteOkay well... I kind of disagree with Anonymous. You can surrender, at least in certain ways. You can choose to submit to him in whatever ways he likes that you know of like let's say he likes his socks folded a certain way... fold them that way. He loves meatloaf but you hate it, cook it anyway. Smile for him while you gag it down. He loves lipstick on you... buy 3 new shades and wear them for him, kiss him more. See? Baby steps.... Be happy with him, show love affection adoration be submissive in whatever ways you can and work up to the big stuff.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought. :)
You did a great job with this post. Loved the squirrel and cookie references.
((hugs))
sara
Hi Bea, I'm sorry I am so late to this. I agree with Sara, you can continue to submit in certain ways. Show Levi 'better'. If you are able to do this he will hopefully see the positives and start to want this for himself as Willie said. Quite often our men agree to ttwd because it is what we want. They do it for us but over time it becomes something they want for themselves and for the relationship once they start seeing the benefits.
ReplyDelete((Hugs)
Roz
Hello there,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog last night. I read every last post. This think,think,think post actually nearly brought me to tears! You said EVERYTHING I have been thinking about and you don't even know me. My take away from that is the realization that I am not in this alone. Thanks for sharing and perhaps we could get to know each other better in time. We've been "fooling around" with DD for almost 4 years now...but have NEVER embraced it fully or comited to it completely. Two weeks ago our marriage of 18 years nearly imploded. It was a lightbulb moment for us. Although my husband is out of town this week, he was planning on doing a bunch of DD reading while we are apart. Then, when he returns I'm hoping to get some time away with him to talk/discuss/ and perhaps attempt a "boot camp" experience to once and for all commit to a DD lifestyle and get this ship steered in the right direction. We shall see...Thanks so much for your posts. They encourage me to press on.