Ok, so the following post is probably not going to make much sense because there are only so many details I can give without giving away things I don't want to give away about me. This anonymous stuff is harder than it looks. Sorry if it is rambling on, but I am a little upset and have to vent somewhere...trying not to vent at my husband.
So, I am supposed to take my oldest on a special weekend this weekend, while my husband was supposed to take the younger two to go do something that he has wanted to do with them for years.
I was not having a very good afternoon, but had planned a lovely dinner and was looking forward to my husband coming home from work. I was also looking forward to an evening where we did not have anything to do. I get a phone call that someone is quitting something due to time constraints (involves a group we are in with our kids). I get another call that someone who said they were going to do something, didn't and now I have to do something extra tomorrow that I hadn't intended on. Just trying to tell you where my mind is at.
So my husband calls...he got free tickets to something tonight and wants to take child 2 since child 1 is going to do something special this weekend. Now my dinner is not something that I really want to go to the trouble of fixing for me and two kids...it is something big...so now I have to come up with something else for dinner so I can save that for the next night. Have I mentioned I really do not handle change well.
So he wonders why I am not more excited about the last minute change and free tickets (we generally like free in this family because since I stay home and we have three kids, the "extras" don't happen often). Plus, I was going to have to be the one to tell kid 1 and 3 that kid 2 was going to do something special tonight because when he gets here he will be on the run. Keep in mind we do have special "dates" with the kids, but we usually have a little more time to adjust to the fact that someone is going to get to do something someone else isn't and it's ok because they will get to do something later.
I said something about the special stuff this weekend and my husband said that he was no longer doing that but dropping the kids off with a friends' wife and they would be going to play golf. This is a friend who I feel sometimes...ugh...I don't even know how to explain it. He just somehow talks my husband out of stuff that he really wants to do. I also don't like the behavior of this guys kids and try to limit or at least be around when they are around our kids. Nothing dangerous, just parented differently.
So I can feel my blood pressure rise and am trying my hardest to keep my mouth closed...taking deep breaths, figuring out how I can express my feelings in a positive way and what blurts out of my mouth:
"Why do you let him bully you out of doing what you want to do? And you know I don't like the kids over there that much."
"Why are you mad?"
Ok, so here is the part where I have reached my limit and just can't hold it in anymore. So in a rude tone and loud volume:
"So, now instead of spending time with your kids, you get to go play and I am going with kid 1 on the special weekend that you said you couldn't take him on because you were taking kid 2 and 3 to this other thing. I just don't understand why you let this friend make you feel bad if you don't tell him yes."
"Fine, I will just tell him I can't go and I will take kids 2 and 3 to what I said I would."
"Ugh...I don't want you to do what I want you to do, but what you want to do, not anyone else! I have to go and figure out what I am going to fix the kids. I will have kid 2 ready for you."
And then I hung up. And then I cried. Before I realized what I was doing I would have justified how I spoke to him, now I know. I can't unlearn the fact that I not only made him feel like he was a bad father, that he didn't have the balls to stand up to his friend, but also that he was a disappointment. I have probably ruined his evening with kid 2 who will love where he is going.
And although, I had legitimate reason to talk to him...my delivery sucked.
I sure do wish my mouth was where my heart is.
WOW - I can see how you would be upset with both your husband and yourself. The thing is you recognize you could have done this differently and that's a step. I'm sorry things didn't work out.
ReplyDeleteHow can you say that you're not good with change. Look what you are trying to do. I think you are probably better at it than you think.
Good luck and tomorrow is another day. Don't beat yourself up over something that is done and gone.
Thanks sunnygirl...I am doing better today. I wrote this right after it happened to try to help me process. I guess I should say that I am bad at handling change that I am not in control of:) I definitely will try to let it go today and not hold on to the guilt. I feel raw. Is that what being submissive does? I'm not sure I like it very much right now:)
DeleteHi Bea :)
ReplyDeleteThis is hard, all of it. The submission. The Motherhood. All of it. You have a lot of irons in the fire, my dear. It is hard for your hubby, too.
So, you spoke in a way you wish you wouldn't have to hubby. It happened. Its okay. Don't give it more credence than it deserves. Move forward.
Sunny is right, I know a lot of people who couldn't have worked with the changes you rolled with in your post.
Here is what I think I know: (take this with a grain of salt) the qualities about your hubby that you find a little irritating, like his inability to make a stand with the friend and put the kids first, may likely change with a family practicing dd. Not in the very beginning, it can take time, but let me tell you that dd (and I am not trying to sell it) develops confidence in husbands.
And you are a great Mum - I can tell and a loving wife (this I know) because you have to care to be willing to become a submissive woman for the good of your husband and family.
Hang in there, Bea.
Hugs
Lillie
Thank you Lillie,
DeleteWhen he got home I was able to apologize for speaking to him rudely. He accepted and we didn't talk about the weekend. I decided he knows how I feel and he will do what he wants at this point. I have to let go of the control I want to have over the situation...boy is that hard for me.
As far as dd, I am for now keeping an open mind. For now I think I will stick to self-discipline, but I have learned to never say never. I'm just not there yet. I will say that I am very interested in a male-led relationship and can surely see the benefits in the blogs I read. It is one of the reasons I noticed what I was doing. I witnessed my husband's confidence at work, but not at home. I am by no means saying my husband is perfect, but am trying to make sure that I focus on changing myself.
Thanks for the support. I think my friends would think that I flipped my lid if I were to tell them what I was doing so I appreciate all the advice and warm wishes.
Bea
Bea,
ReplyDeleteAfter almost 2 years of active Dd, my mouth is still the hardest part of me to control. It is a lot better than it used to be though and not all because I'd get spanked silly if I mouthed off now. I think even without that, as two people begin to speak more respectfully to one another, the mental cues kick in and the outbursts slow down. I honestly think that your desire to control a little less and to give him space to do what he really wants to do will be noticed, in time...with repetition. You are building him up in subtle ways. As Lillie said, don't beat yourself up for not getting it right all the time. You're doing great just by paying attention.
Thanks Susie, I guess, naively, I did not think it would be this hard and I did not realize how often I spoke disrespectfully.
DeleteBea
Hi Bea. I love your play on words with your blog name, New Bea - very clever, dear newest newbie!
ReplyDeleteI read your big from the beginning and I'm all caught up. I enjoy your writing, and I greatly admire what you have set out to do here at the beginning of trying to make your marriage better and stronger. You are absolutely correct that we only can change ourselves. I think your path to self-awareness, and your desires to relinquish control over things you believe belong in your husband's domain, as well as addressing the basic elements of showing him respect and trust, are the very things that will lead both of you to a warmer, stronger relationship, and build confidence in each of you.
You are one smart cookie, Miz New Bea! I wish you both the very best. I'll definitely be back to see how you progress.
Blessings!
Irishey
Thanks Irishey!
DeleteI have read some of your replies on other posts and admire your wit:) Stop by anytime.
Bea