If you have 20 minutes...
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
If you would like the cliffnotes version, although the video is much better...I am highly recommending the video, watch the video:
In order to form true connections with others, you must be vulnerable.
Things that we do so that we do not have to be vulnerable and therefore inhibit or block intimacy:
we numb...when we numb we numb the good and the bad
we make the uncertain, certain (I'm right, you are wrong)
we perfect
we pretend (what we do doesn't impact others)
blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort
control
What we should do to enhance intimacy:
let ourselves be seen
love with our whole heart even when there is no guarantee
practice gratitude
know that you are worthy
know that you are enough
What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful!
The above is all her words and not mine. Below are my thoughts:
I have felt very raw for the last few days, like I get when I have a sunburn...everything that touches you or rubs up against you hurts. I have wondered if it is because I have begun this journey to submit and let go of the unhealthy control.
So I decided to list what I am so afraid will happen if I let go, as a way to realize that control is an illusion anyway:
If I let go, I fear no one will catch me.
If I let go, I fear the family will fall apart
If I let go, I fear that my husband won't love me
If I let go, I fear my children won't be perfect
If I let go, I fear I will not be me
If I let go, I fear that no one will like me
If I let go, I fear that I will be a disappointment
If I let go, I fear that we will go bankrupt, the house will be a wreck, etc.
If I let go, I fear that I will FAIL
I am letting my self be seen and vulnerable and I feel very raw, but I know that this is exactly where I am supposed to be...and to borrow another quote from the video "Not good or bad, it just is what it is."
Hellow New Bea <- Love your name. I am forever referring to myself around blogland as the Newbie :)
ReplyDeleteFeeling vulnerable is scary at first because it is so very raw. Eventually, in very small doses, at first, people around you see the change. It is really quite remarkable. You might not notice it at first, but then later in the day it occurs to you that they treated you differently today, better.
I suppose the video is right then-In order to form true connections with others, you must be vulnerable.
You'll get there.-Where emotionally little things 'taste' better. You feel vulnerable, yet strong-- you FEEL. These are small tid bits however, as vulnerablity does very much feel like a sunburn at first. I believe it is going to be worth it ( I am so new to this whole thing myself and probably have no right to comment). I have had the benefit of being vulnerable as of late. It is just oh so difficult during the 'burning process". But the times when it lets more intimacy in with others is SO worth it.
Know that you are NOT alone in your feelings. So many of us out there feel this way. Some days are better/different, but it is there.
Wilma
BTW Your list of fears is so very similar to mine :)
Wilma, I just read a couple of your posts. Your writing is very honest and sincere...I love it! I am really glad that I am not the only newbie:) I guess I didn't expect all this emotion...as I take down the walls they are all hitting me at once and it is a little overwhelming. I am glad I am not out there alone:)
DeleteBea
Well NB. I'm back in the emotional blender today...sigh.
DeleteReal big highs, REALLY big lows.
Hope your day is going better :)
We'll find our center...I hope:)
DeleteHi Bea,
ReplyDeleteI read this post the other day when I was scrambling for time, and I never had a chance to comment. I think this is a very powerful exercise in trust. Because you are essentially trusting that being so vulnerable will be okay.
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. When we open ourselves up, there is always the risk that we will be wounded.....and that our vulnerability will be used against us, but there is also the opportunity, as you say beautifully, to be seen for what and who we really are.
This is a beautiful post, Bea.
I am there with you, vulnerable like you and so far, so good - but sweetie, not without it's share of highs and lows. Wilma is dead on - and she describes it beautifully, a rawness, a sunburn - it just takes time to get used to, like the heat of summer.
love and hugs
lillie
Thanks Lillie! There are definitely times I don't like it, but the times when it is good so far outweigh the bad:)
DeleteHi Bea :)
ReplyDeleteI thought I had commented on this post. These are some very powerful affirmations, and I really applaud your spirit, Bea. You are on the road to making some important changes in your life. Ian always reminds me that things didn't get the way they are right now in a day or two and they aren't going to be fixed that easily.
There is also great peace in just the acceptance of the way things are, as you say at the close of your post.....I think that falls right into step with submission to your hubby.
Love and Hugs
lillie
Hi, Bea. I started to comment on this post, but we got busy, plus I have been mulling over your fears. I watched Brene Brown's video. Very intuitive. It lead me on a search for information on male vulnerability. Sketchy stuff, at best.
ReplyDeleteBack to your fears. "If I let go, (this bad thing may happen)." These are valid, especially if you turn them around to what we know to be true about hard work and our efforts bringing about positive results, such as:
If I hang on, I won't fall.
If I work hard and sacrifice, my family will succeed.
If I am a good, warm, sexy interesting wife, my husband will love me.
If I teach my children well, provide a good example and set high standards, my children will be well-behaved, smart, obedient, self-disciplined successful people I am proud of.
We are taught our contributions, hard work, self sacrifice, etc., will make us successful, and it actually does work out that way - things aren't free, you have to earn them.
Those lessons work against us when it comes to being vulnerable. It can backfire because it confuses people when we stop being what they expect us to be, don't do all the things they are accustomed to us providing for them in the way they want them. They resist our change, so we feel we are failing them.
How do we relinquish control, but still do our parts? Can we "let go" and not run our world, let someone else make the decisions about what gets done by whom, how, when, without everything falling apart, not getting done, ending in chaos? What if they can't manage us and our family as well as we can? How do we guide and teach them what needs doing, what we need, without leading. When things go "wrong," how do we prevent sounding sounding critical, taking over? Fear? Um, yeah.
It's exhausting and overwhelming to think about as a whole picture.
How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time.
Baby steps. Pick something non-threatening to start, something about which neither of you has a huge emotional investment, and use that for both of you to practice you letting go and him leading. You can be completely vulnerable about how you feel regarding something simple and not critical. Try to find something over which you have different views, and that you think he cares about a little more than you. Then do this again with something you care more about than he does. The process will feel differentlyto each of you, and out gives you the chance to try things on for size. Make sure you do postmortems (that communication thing again).
I, too, wish all of this was easy. Sometimes, I'm positive I've bumped my head. I wonder, what in the world was I thinking? I think, I lost my mind, and sure wish somebody would find and return it to me. Then I remember - I love him. He loves me. We deserve our best. Keep plugging away. Sheesh, this is hard. Dang it. Lol!
Irishey
What awesome advice Irishey! And so well written...how do you eat an elephant? I love it. I suppose I should have written If I let go (of the unhealthy control), I fear...etc. I will definitely still be handling, for example, a lot of the parenting, but I need to stop telling my husband how to parent, etc. I like the idea of starting small. This other stuff is very big and the fears feel very real to me. I must say that my husband is a very capable, loving man, so it isn't like I should have fear. This is not rational fear. I know it, but changing it will be a battle.
DeleteI think I will start with some of the silly stuff...like not telling him how to drive. Yes (bows head) I do that I often:) My husband has not had an accident in years and rarely gets lost so I think I can trust him to get us to our location. Now lets see if I can keep my mouth shut. I may have to pretend to nap. LOL
I am going to have to write a post about trying out my first surrendering the weekend my husband was choosing a new car (his car)...I about had a panic attack trying to keep my mouth shut unless he asked for advice. That is when I started this blog...thought that it might help me. I had no idea how much and how wonderful of you are.
Thanks,
Bea
last line should read: all of you are.
Delete