So, here is another analogy...sorry, but it helps me visualize and this blog is for me. Saving you now in case you are sick of metaphors or have had your quota for the day.
I am walking along by myself. I am in a maze of brick walls. There are signs to direct me, but sometimes when I follow the signs they lead me straight into a damn wall. (Thank you to whoever took this picture, because it is absolutely perfect). I built this shitty wall and now all I want to do is kick the thing over and all I do is hurt my foot.
The wall is too tall to climb.
I don't have a map.
There is no one else stuck in here with me.
I could yell and scream and they would not be able to get in.
There are no tools, no forklifts, no wrecking balls.
I used to like the wall. It was comforting. I was safe behind it. Every brick, I laid with care.
God is telling me that I don't need the wall anymore, that I am missing out on life, and that I am just plain missing the point.
There are a couple of cracks in the wall. Areas where the wall is weakened. I am drawn to those areas and try to push and shove at the bricks.
But I have realized something...I put the wall together one brick at a time...I am going to have to take it down one brick at a time. These first few bricks have been the hardest. I hope that it gets a little easier.
But I think I know what is on the other side.
Love
Joy
Hope
I know there will be pain there too sometimes, but I will try to learn to deal with it without adding bricks to my wall.
I love your analogies. If that is what works for you, go for it. It makes sense to me but better yet it makes sense to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks sunnygirl...It really does help me, but I know that some may find it annoying:)
DeleteBea
Yup that sounds about right. Hopefully, some of those bricks are made of sugar, and disolve easily. I found that. It doesn't happen often, but just a little drop of water, disolves them. You don't necessarily expect sugar bricks to pop up, but it is like God throws one your way, right when you need it most.
ReplyDeleteThat being said the biggest bricks broken offer the most rewards. The key is to remember that while you are chiseling away. It is tiring by worth it.
Great post.
Willie
Thanks Willie! Here's to sugar bricks:)
DeleteBea
sigh. i was just talking to BIKSS about how the more I'm in this the more I realise i've been viewing myself a certain way and now i'm not really liking how i thought of myself. it's hard to let it go tho. i've been steeling myself Against Myself for so long that it's going to take a LOT of time and effort to remove the bricks, as you say, one by one.
ReplyDeletehe was sweet - his reply to me was "time my sweet, time."
and i will say the same to you. in order to take each brick down one by one, you have to look closely at it, and then dismantle. so just smashing at it with a sledgehammer isn't going to work.
it's when you really admit and face all the circumstances that caused you to build that wall, that you'll be able to remove every brick a little more easily.
my thoughts are with you. my wall is still kinda hard and high and looks impossible!!
Thank you Fondles for your comment...It is really hard to "see" and "know" and then to change. It's hard work and these uplifting comments really help...to know that I am not the only one looking at the dang wall like "What the hell did I build THAT for?".
DeleteBea
Something that I had allowed myself in the past few months since beginning dd is to release myself from the guilt of building the wall in the first place. I needed mine when I built it. It was built for self preservation, and maybe Bea - you needed yours too.
ReplyDeleteGiving myself permission to feel okay about my negative defence mechanisms helped me in releasing them. It was like saying to an old soldier guarding the fort, "thank you for your services, friend - I really needed you, but the war is over, put down your weapon and come back into the fold." I have consciously visualized myself doing that - don't laugh - because I had some nasty defences to take down.
I know how you feel, Bea, but when I was just trying so hard to get rid of them, I wasn't making much progress.
Hope that makes sense.
hugs
lillie
Oh Lillie, That made me cry...in a good way. It makes perfect sense and it is just what I needed to hear. I think guilt is probably the mortar holding it all together and the chisel is pure stubborness. If I can let go of this guilt, it might come apart a lot easier.
DeleteLove ya!
Bea
I am so happy for you, Honey. It is happening. You are getting there, and so many of us have been right where you are....keep doing what you're doing. Keep looking inside, and feeling what doesn't always feel comfortable.
DeleteReach out when you need a shoulder. It will be okay, sweetie.
hugs and love
lillie
I think it's a near perfect analogy Bea and I love what others have added in their comments. I love the idea that some of the bricks are made of sugar and I appreciate so much what Lillie said about how we needed those walls we built.
ReplyDeleteYou will tear them down and right at that time when it feels like it's impossible to break the tiniest piece, something huge will happen and a whole block will crumble in front of your eyes.
I thank you for this today. I'm still struggling with those walls almost 2 years later and this was wonderful for me to read, so thanks to both you and your commenters.
Thanks Susie for the support!
Delete