Complacency

"It is amazing how if we relax and get complacent about our marriages, and we think everything is going good...that we are actually drifting away from each other...it is a constant battle to stay connected, but well worth the effort."

 

I recently left the above comment on Christan Married Man's post about his marriage of 30 years.  I hope he doesn't mind the plug.  I found the story to resonate in my heart.  I think 30 years is quite an accomplishment...Levi and I have been married less than half that.  In his post he describes that slow drifting apart that you don't even notice until it seems that you have an ocean between you that you have to fight to get across.  It seems daunting and you wonder "how did we get here?".

 

I hear a lot of people complain that they feel like they have a "roommate", a "co-parent", an "extra kid".  I will admit that there have been times that I have felt this way, too.  In the busyness of our lives our tether becomes loose and we begin to drift.  If these two boats in the picture above were not anchored, they would drift apart...who knows they might drift along together for a little while, but will eventually separate. 

 

The free dictionary defines complacency as contented to a fault; self-satisfied and unconcerned; without awareness of some potential danger.  What are these dangers?

 

Storms

 

 

We all have to weather storms...whether we want to or not.  Some storms are a light rain and some hit with the force of a hurricane.  Some might be storms of ice..coldness towards each other. Some are individual storms and some are relational storms, but they affect both of us regardless.  Addiction, loss, boredom, illness, change, betrayal and the list goes on. 

 

What keeps some marriages together against all odds and what has some hurtling to break up and be torn asunder on the rocks? 

 

I don't have an answer...I am truly asking:) 

 

Is it different from one couple to the next...we are all individual boats...maybe some of us are better built to weather the storms...maybe what one boat lacks, the other has.  If we are tethered together strongly, our boats are more likely to stay the course or at least if we are blown off course then we are still together and can find our way again.

 

Happily Ever After Illusions

 

 





You know the story...boy meets girl, girl falls head over heels for boy, boy rescues girl from something horrible and takes her off to live in a castle far, far away and they live happily ever after.  This is the biggest crock of shit that we sell our kids...ok, ok I won't get too cynical on you...but come on, happily ever after...they were not always happy.  What about when prince charming ignores her and fox hunts all weekend or when the princess nags that she doesn't get to ride off into the sunset with him enough.  Ok, you get the point.  I will still allow my children to watch princess movies...fret not.  But, I do solemnly swear that I will teach them that happily ever after is hard work...arduous, painful, trying work.  But well worth the effort.

 

 

 



So, I can sail off into the sunset with my man, but I can't stay in the sunset forever...sometimes it will be dark, sometimes it will be rough seas, but the sun will always rise on a new day and we can sail off together again.

 

 

Weak Tethers

 

 

So, If boats aren't tethered together they will drift apart.  I went rafting with friends once and there were so many of us that we had three rafts.  Now, this is not a strong river, nor a fast one, but we would occasionally get separated.  Have you ever tried to, in the middle of a river mind you, connect two rafts to wait for a third.  (I will say this was pre-kids)  It was imperative that we were able to wait for the third raft...they had the beer. 

 

So we maneuver alongside each other and someone (I don't remember who) tried to reach out and grab the rope on the side of the raft, but the river was pulling enough that he couldn't hold on with wet hands.  Trying to grab hold of the sides of the raft was futile also...inflatable rafts aren't easy to grab hold of.  We brilliantly remembered the oars (ok, so I said we were waiting for beer...prekids...party days...I look back now sometimes and wonder how we survived). 

 

We reached the oars across to each other and one person from each raft held on to the other side of the oar until someone could tie us together.  Then when the third raft came along we reached oars across and were able to catch the beer...I mean the other raft.



My point is we needed strong tethers to keep us from floating adrift.  The river wanted to pull us apart (from our beer), but we used our tethers to stay together.  Some tethers proved weak, and I suppose without proper care all tethers would weaken.  Here is the work hard part.  This is what I want to work to build...mine and Levi's strong tethers so that we can drift along in life together, weathering the storms, always building new tethers and working hard for our happily ever after.