So, I think I have been doing pretty well at my list...Thumper rule, apologizing when I break the Thumper rule, and not telling my husband how to drive (although, to be fair I think we were only in the car together once; but I did not tell him how to get somewhere or suck in quickly and grab the dash...not once...does it matter we were only in the car 5 minutes and we were going to the kiddos school?) There has been a lot of apologizing on my part. This Thumper rule may take the rest of my life to accomplish and my tongue hurts from biting it.
My husband is not one to apologize...and the past week has been a very busy one (who am I kidding...we have three kids...our weeks are pretty much always busy). Busy weeks put both of us on edge. We have been dealing with some stress from some drama in one of our kids' activities. (Why can't we all just get along?) He has a lot of pressure at work right now, etc. etc. I am not making excuses for him...just trying to express where we are at. I think I have shared before that we don't handle "busy" so well as a couple.
I don't like confrontation. I avoid it like the plague...it makes me uncomfortable. I have tried something new this week. I don't know if it is right, but I feel like I can't hold it in anymore. I am sharing when he hurts my feelings. I am telling him instead of stewing and turning a cold shoulder, distancing I suppose it is called. I don't know if it is right, because it has been happening so often that I am afraid it will turn into nagging and sometimes (because of my shortened temper) it doesn't come out in the most respectful way. I am working on that.
I will give you two examples:
My husband (I really need to think of a fake name for him) asked me a question. I began to answer the question and he cut me off half way through my answer and said, "Ok I get it." Here is the thing...I know women talk more...I get that. But our conversations typically go like this...he asks a question, I answer it...it prompts another question, I answer it, and so on. Sometimes I try to give him the long answer first so that he doesn't have to ask any more questions...especially if I am busy. But I HATE it when he cuts me off in the middle of talking...and I said, "I wish you wouldn't cut me off like that, because it makes me feel like what I am saying is unimportant, which makes me feel unimportant." He never said the words, "I'm sorry." I have been saying it all the time lately...hearing them back would be nice. Instead he said, "Oh, what were you going to say?" Which I completely forgot...uggh...part of it may be that I don't talk to many adults during the day and need conversation.
I also hate having the same argument over and over...kid 2 had to be at an activity by 7:00. This particular activity is one that my husband takes him to. I try to have dinner early and the kid ready to go. At 6:40, my husband is still not home...and I have to call him to find out where he is...stuck in traffic. Ok, I get that he cannot control the traffic. But we have had this same argument over and over. Would it kill him to call me? He isn't going to make it in time. Now I have to get kid 1 and 3 dressed and ready...mind you kid 3 is potty training so before we leave anywhere it takes 10 minutes just to go to the bathroom because we are also at the "I do it" stage in life. Kid 2 who was all excited about Daddy taking him somewhere is now disappointed with the substitution. My husband called me back and said that he would meet me there and I could go back home. I said, "Are you sure, because I know you haven't eaten dinner?" He says it's fine. I say, "I don't know why you couldn't call me? It would have been nice to have a heads up. We have had this argument so many times...it's like you don't care." Ok, probably not the most respectful way to put it...but I am watching kid 3 put pants on backwards, kid 2 is still whining because I am taking him and kid 1 just wants to know if he can take his video game in the car. We switch kids...no I'm sorry, nothing.
So, what does this have to do with being Thankful you say? I am so irritated with my husband right now that I have decided to make a list of the things that I love about him, the things that give me a thankful heart towards him. (I got this from someone and I don't remember who...sorry about that)
So here goes:
I am thankful that my husband has a great job and works very hard. He has a lot of respect at work for his work ethic and I am so proud of him.
I am thankful that he gives kid 3 a bath, because often times by that time of night I am losing my temper and need the break.
I am thankful that he plays with the kids and seems to know what kind of attention each of them needs.
I am thankful for our sex life...he is very attentive and rocks my world on a regular basis.
I am thankful that my husband is responsible, kind, and patient.
I am thankful that my husband is attracted to me and shows it and often tells me I look hot (even when I am in mommy gear)
I am thankful that he does an awesome job on the yard and other things around the house that are his responsiblity (killing spiders, lifting heavy objects, fixing plumbing, etc.)
I am not going to list the things that drive me absolutely batty because in the mood I am in, it would be a long one. Besides that, I need to focus on the positive at the moment. I am thankful for my husband...I sometimes wish this marriage thing wasn't this hard...but I do love my husband, my kids, my life. I am thankful. I am sure that there are more things to add to this list, but when you are irritated with someone...it is hard to think of any. I will add more as I think of them. I will also add something to my "list". I will try to tell my husband "thank you" more often.
What are you thankful for?
I think what you did there is fantastic! That is how to go about it. Think of the positives. We took a marriage prep course ( had to to get married in the church) anyway they told us to write a letter to ourselves about how much we love our spouses and why ( while we were MADLY in love). Then-because marriage isn't easy, and we are trying to remember WHY we married each other to read it. ( I think I burnt my years ago...kidding)
ReplyDeleteThis->"Oh, what were you going to say?" Which I completely forgot...
I totally GET ! Same deal happens here, as well as the no call while dinner waits. Sigh, it is getting better though, so wait it out. I know you want to hit me in the head with something, I get it. When I'm frustrated as all get out and people tell me patience, I want to ...well you know :) They tell you that though because it IS true.
GIVE what you WANT to receive in return. Truer words have not been spoken.
As for telling him he hurt your feelings, communication is the key to success. It is how we communicate that becomes the conundrum. You are right you don't want to beat him down and make him feel that EVERYTHING he says or does is wrong. I suppose you'll have to find a balance that works for the two of you.
As for thankful...I am thankful that there is this community for an outlet, and to receive advice and support from! And of course BARNEY ! lol
Haha I don't want to hit you in the head:) Your comments always help me feel better knowing that someone else has been there...that's why we do this right...so we know we aren't alone:)
DeleteIt is happening quite a lot this week so I am trying to be quiet half the time and tell him the other half. Hopefully it won't happen quite as often as we progress.
Bea
ok i can't say i have the solution or i know how to solve the world's problems LOL but that thing about not getting a heads up? It ANNOYS ME TO H*LL.
ReplyDeleteSO i think up the solution. like my solution with something that has been bugging me with BIKSS is that if i don't get an answer and it's been half and hour since i last heard from him, then all bets are off and I'm making my own decision. then i'll just text and let him know what my plan is.
also, since he's so awful at letting yo know, take the pressure off yourself. instead of waiting, make a new rule for YOU to follow - call him by 6-whatever to check. don't expect him to call you. you do the active thing and call him. it's not overstepping boundaries. it's being useful and making his life (and YOURS) a little easier and run more smoothly by doing something that you know is difficult for him.
i always say if i can do something to make his life a little easier and more beautiful, i'll do it.
and calling him to check at a fixed time every week is making his life a little easier :)
I will have to ask him if he would like that or not...I'm afraid he would thing I was checking up on him. He's a bit sensitive about criticism and I am afraid he would view it that way right now. Some of that is why I am doing this though...I think he is sensitive because of how I have behaved towards him.
DeleteIt's worth a shot:)
Thanks!
I can so relate to issue #1. I will tell him something and he keeps asking me questions. Halfway through I am sorry I even started telling him. 40+ years and we still have not resolved this issue. I guess neither of us is going to change. I am thankful we haven't killed each other yet. I thankful we still love each other, laugh and enjoy each other's company most of the time. hahaha
ReplyDeleteI am thankful we don't have "little ones" around any more. Grandchildren are the exception because eventually they go home. Actually I am thankful I have grandchildren and that I live and breath in a free country and have good health and the list goes on and on.
I see by your list you have lots to be thankful for too.
I know that everyone says, about this time with little ones, that if you blink you will miss it and you should cherish it etc. etc. I heard a comedian the other day on this issue and she sometimes (and I wish you could see the facial expressions while she said it), blinks a lot and thinks "Can I just miss some of it?"
DeleteI appreciate your honesty that you are happy that season is over:) It makes me feel less guilty for wishing it was.
Bea
Hi Bea,
ReplyDeleteHey, my husband does that too. He asks sets of questions and I try to answer and try to anticipate future questions. It can be quite annoying!
I'm not sure what will happen to bring your guy to the point where he gives you a sincere first "I'm sorry" but when it does, tell him how much it means to you. I think it's actually shows a lot of integrity for you to be communicating with him instead of shutting down and stuffing your frustrations. It seems like you are trying to do it respectfully and that's not so easy to do sometimes. I do understand, I failed that test already this morning and it's only just after 6am.
Thank you Susie...I know he deserves respect, but sometimes in the moment I forget how to give it.
DeleteMy man seems to be absolutely incapable of apologizing for things that clearly are apology material. One reason is because he thinks he's always right, even when he does very clearly unright things. He actually once spoke the words to me, "I'm always right." Hee. But the thing is, he's not always right, and he's very pushy and dominating, and I hate confrontation and arguing, so . . . unless it's something really big, I just don't bother fussing about it.
ReplyDeleteWhat's bad is that was me before. I was always right and never apologized. Trying to get better...us "always right" folks are annoying:)
Delete