I have several posts swimming around in my head so I am just going to write and see what comes out...hopefully it won't be a confusing mess.
So I have heard it said that the marriage I used to live is kind of like driving a car with two steering wheels. Everything is great while you are agreeing and the road is straight, but the car is not going to work if both people are trying to drive when unexpected obstacles jump in your path. You try to turn the wheel right, he tries to turn it left. And the kids in the back seat are probably thinking what the hell are my parents doing and begin telling us how to drive since we can't agree. I will say that I am willing to give up my steering wheel and will attempt not to grab the dash in a death grip. I will also try not to reach over and yank the wheel, but can I request a brake pedal...you know like in drivers ed? It would help a lot if he made choices quickly...when he thinks too long then I start to get jumpy and the likelihood of reaching over to grab the wheel goes up.
I have also heard it said that the marriage I used to live is kind of like two people trying to lead in a dance. As someone who used to dance, I will say that dancing with a partner who is a strong leader is the best way to dance. They are the ones you see never sitting down; no one turns them down for a dance even if they aren't the best looking. Why? Because it is fun to dance with them. You know what is expected of you, you feel safe in their arms, and they guide you flawlessly through the dance. If the dance floor is crowded as you are spinning as some dances force you to do, it is your responsibility as the led person to make sure when the one who is leading is going backwards that they don't run into anyone, with a gentle pressure applied to their back. You've got their back and when they spin you back around you allow them to lead again. Weak dancers are NOT fun to dance with. You don't know where they want you to go, you are afraid as you dance backwards that they are going to ram you into an unsuspecting couple, and they constantly step on your feet.
I also try to visualize my husband leading me down a path in the woods. He has my hand, the birds are singing, the deer are leaping, everything is great in our little world. Then we come to a fork in the road or sometimes a huge open field (those are worse). We have a choice to make: left or right or my gosh in that open field scenario we could go in any direction. I'm scared of being lost. It all comes down to trust...do I trust him to find our way. I can tell him I think we should do this or that, but if I am truly going to let him lead then he has the final say on our direction. I feel so much better if he leads confidently even if we have to turn around at the dead end. If he leads weakly, I get scared and truly want to push him off the path until he lands on his ass in a thorn bush so he will listen to me.
What's my point? I don't know exactly. I feel lost, I feel like grabbing the wheel, I feel anxious. I feel like giving him a good hard shove in the direction I want to go. Why is this so freaking hard? How can I explain to him what I need? I need him to lead...I need him to not ask me where we are going, but to take my hand and just go. I need him to hear me make suggestions and say...ok, I hear you and we are doing this...even if it isn't what I want. I need him to have mine and the kids best interest at heart and I need to trust that he does. The bad part is, his weak leading is partially my fault. I was a constant thorn in his ass until I got what I wanted. I don't know if I can do this. I have an amazing husband and I don't mean to talk negatively about him. He has the ability to be a great leader...I know he can...I have seen it. Can I follow him? How can I tell him what I need without making him feel like he has failed? I was overwhelmed at leading, but I think following is harder. It's like that trust exercise where you fall backwards and everyone catches you...that is the feeling I am feeling...In your head you're like "they are so going to catch you...no problem", but you still feel terrified.
Have you sat down and told him this? (Sorry, I haven't had a chance to sit down and read your previous posts!) if so, and he's just kind of scared to, MAKE him make the decisions. When he asks your opinion on something simple that he should be able to make his own decision about, force yourself to say "You're the Captain!" Or "I follow your lead, honey" or something like that. Throw the ball back in his court.
ReplyDeleteIt's a process, and not one that can be changed overnight. See Athol's latest post over at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com
No, I haven't told him. At first it was because I was quite confused over what I wanted, then it was because I was afraid that it would sound like another criticism. Now, I just don't know what to say.
DeleteI am reading Athol's book (I found it after I started blogging through your blog) and there are certain points that make a lot of sense and are exactly right and then certain times I would like to throw HIM in a thorn bush. LOL
I read Surrendered Wife and she suggests the phrase "whatever you think". I have been trying that out but it still feels very awkward. There were times I wanted to throw HER in a thorn bush too:)
I will check it out, thanks!
Try what I suggest in this post, position yourself at his feet, and tell him you want to submit to his leadership in your marriage. No way he can take it as criticism :)
Deletehttp://redpillwifery.wordpress.com/2012/10/20/girl-game-submissive-positioning/
Thanks RPW..now just getting up the courage...I still am not exactly sure what I am afraid is going to happen:)
Deleteyou know what, direct him to this post. sometimes it's easier to write what you need to tell him than say it out loud.
ReplyDelete*hugs* good luck sweetpea.
Thank you!
DeleteBea, from what I read everyone seems to have the same problem. May I suggest a few posts that might help you. Mick & Lyndas Place, Dish with Ward and June, Living in DD. These are all blogs that give perspectives from the male POV. Might help you to figure out how to proceed.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sunnygirl!
Deleteme again, forgot to put in the URL's http://the50sdish.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteLhttp://newlifeindd.blogspot.com/
http://mickandlyndasblog.blogspot.com/
I have been reading Bas and Mick for a while...will have to check out the 50s dish. I am wondering if an HOH in these instances would be able to help me formulate what to say...they might all just think I need a spanking(half joking/half serious here).
DeleteHi Sweetie
ReplyDeleteI think that might be my Ian's analogy on the driving..... :)
This is not advice to take to heart - but what I did..... I started sharing little things with him that were very vanilla in tone, but also along the dd theme. He may not have an opinion on dd, but he must have an opinion on the institution of marriage and your marriage especially.
Kind of an inventory, if you will, on how things are. It probably won't tell you much, because men are very guarded about spilling the beans on issues they think they will have thrown at them later, but I did see some openings where I could make discussions with him in future talks.
Another thing that I did was relate experiences that other HoHs have had. Nothing about spanking, but it might be interesting to know how your hubby would react to being read what some people regard as their experience being married pre dd.
I am not suggesting Ian's driving thing....lol, but there are some very good ones out there that describe quite well the struggle for power that dominates many marriages (ours for 25 + years). In some cases it is what our husbands have come to expect and never even long for anything different or analyze their marital situation, because it just is the way it is.
Also, the power shift is rarely (from what I can gather) a clean switch. There is lots of awkward fumbling about, however, he doesn't necessarily have to feel like there is a "failure" component to a new way of living, just a new way no judgements on the past.
Good luck, Bea - this is a confusing time full of angst and in my case, much impatience. I will be thinking of you.
hugs
lillie
Thanks Lillie, I am glad I can give credit where it is due on Ian's driving thing (wise thinking)...I have read so much I forget where I got stuff so I just throw out the general..."I know I read this somewhere:)"
DeleteThank you so much for the ideas. I think some of it is that I feel like I am hiding something from him since he still doesn't know I blog. I don't like that feeling.
He has a tendency to take everything I say as criticism. That is why I am scared to tell him. Patience is apparently not my forte.
Bea
LOL - Heaven's no, Bea - just a comment out of the blue... It happens to me all the time I read something and find myself referencing it....it is the nature of these blogs and what we are doing here.
DeleteI actually have thought the opposite, that you seem to be a very patient person. I have felt that you were going slow and sure in the right direction.
This is a big step and one that you shouldn't enter into lightly, you are a wise woman to take your time and proceed with caution.
Something that I always feel I should say to people who are considering (listen to me, I have soooo much experience) is that once you start - you can never go back. You can withdraw consent, but I think your marriage is never the same.... (not good or bad, just different).
Thinking of you,
hugs
lillie
Hi Bea :)
ReplyDeleteI am not sure I have any words of wisdom...I just wanted you to know I soooo remember feeling just like your last paragraph described. It is just a gut wrenching time. I remember emailing Mick out of total exasperation.....something along the lines of how can I follow if he is not leading me (insert whiny tone here)!
All along Ryan was thinking, but he just did not process things at the speed that I did. It was suggested to me that we read a blog together weekly to talk about, and that we make a set in stone time every week to discuss ttwd. Forgive me, I can't remember ...getting my blogs confused....I know your hubby doesn't know about the blog, but have you had the whole starting Dd talk with him? Just know...these things take time. Lots of time. I remember the first few months I almost gave up reading blogs because I was so certain that Ryan and I would never be living this life. Shows how much I know ;)
Anyway, I wish you both all the best. I really do. By the way, have you thought of a name for your hubby for you blog yet? I remember that you were taking suggestions.
~Lucy
Thanks so much Lucy...it is nice to know I am not the only one...I just emailed Lillie yesterday for the first time to ask the very same thing:) LOL
DeleteNo, my hubby does not know that I blog, I still don't have a name for him(any ideas?), and we don't practice Dd...I will have a post about this later today. You would think that surrendering to your husband would be easy in comparison...apparently not for me:)
Bea
I can only tell you what worked for me Bea. Every single time he did something that made me grin or melted me a little on the inside, I found a way to tell him. Sometimes it was a hug, other times it was those kinds of sentences that start with, "I appreciated it when..." MM used to feel criticized very quickly so there was a period of time when I couldn't say anything negative at all and boy, was that hard. The other thing I did and still do is to ask him for direction and his opinion on things that I'd always handled myself. It startled him for a time, b/c he couldn't figure out why I'd even ask, but as time went on, he started having more of an opinion and would even question me when I went and did something without his go ahead. It sort of built his leading muscle without him even realizing it. LOL...was that manipulation? Maybe, but it seemed to help us.
ReplyDeleteObviously my situation was very different from yours in that I wasn't trying to bring ttwd to him, but the slow start and ups and downs seem to run across the board. Like you, his weak leading was partially my fault and somehow we have to find the patience to let them grow slowly. I hope you are doing better today!