That is just kinda sad.
I can't really talk to my friends about them because they wouldn't understand why I was "putting up with that" or well, they just don't know what I am doing and would not have the first clue how to help because they would look at me like I had flipped my lid. Not exactly what I need right now. Soooo, I am going to share with you all. If there is some wording that you can help me with, I would appreciate it.
I am nervous...
We are going out of town for Thanksgiving to visit his family. I love his family. I am nervous because every single time we leave to go somewhere we end up saying things to each other we don't mean and mostly on my side. I don't know why. I will say I like a clean house before we leave, I do the laundry, I pack the three kids, myself, the dog, pay the bills. I make sure the van is clean and gassed up. He arrives home, packs himself, we are completely ready, and then decides that something needs to be done right that second (examples in the past: updating our 401k, mowing the lawn, organizing his sock drawer-ok kidding on that last one)
This drives me CRAZY! I end up resentful, the kids are whining about being able to leave, they are hungry, and by the time we leave I am a nervous wreck. We spend the entire first half of the trip upset with each other. He does not see the problem. (The following is a hysterical post by someone I don't know that sums up what leaving town for us looks like if you have a chance:http://4godssakeboys.com/?p=361)
I am also nervous...
As much as I love his family, we have a tendency to fight more around them. I have no idea why. They are wonderful sweet people. My sister in law drives me a bit batty now and then giving me child rearing advice...she doesn't have children yet. Although, she will make a wonderful mother some day...she has that prekids attitude...you know the one. Prekids: You walk through Target and when you pass the kid throwing an all out fit in aisle 3, you say my kid will never act that way...Postkids: You are giving that poor parent the I'm sorry nod, the You can do it nod, the I've been there nod.
Anyway...I digress. I feel like I am about to enter into the dododododododo (cue twilight zone theme) surrendered test zone. And I am worried I am going to fail this one BIG TIME.
I don't like failing...in fact I typically don't try something that I know I might fail because of fear of failing. If I don't try, then I failed for not trying...easier pill to swallow? shrug?
He doesn't seem to help as much around his family either...just kinda sits back and relaxes. I appreciate that you may think we are on vacation...but WE HAVE THREE CHILDREN! UNLESS WE ARE SOMEWHERE WITHOUT THEM, WE ARE NOT ON VACATION!
I am resentful...
I don't like this one at all. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. I have had a rough week and the house looks a bit like WWIII. My husband says he needs to do XYZ chores, but feels like he needs to clean something...we both took a "day off" yesterday. I told him that I will start picking up and put on my cleaning clothes and really got started...on the hazardous areas. I come up for air and where is my dear, sweet husband? Doing XYZ? Nope, he is sitting on the couch watching football.
The resentful dial gets turned up to maximum levels...I go back to cleaning and try to have a serving heart towards my family...but it just ain't happening. Before surrendering...I would have made several smart ass remarks and we would have been fuming at each other. I know I have the right to say something, but don't have the skills to say it respectfully. Seriously...kinda sad. Now, he is going to be complaining later that he didn't do XYZ. And I will be biting my tongue off...
I am disappointed...
The toddler is sick which ruins my plan. I like to finish my kids shopping before Thanksgiving, but will probably be spending tomorrow at the doctor. Have you ever tried shopping for toys after Thanksgiving? It sucks...you can't find anything you want and the stores are a mess. We are also supposed to be doing Christmas with his family this week. Have we finished shopping for that, that would be a BIG FAT NO. I wanted to take pics of the kids today for our Christmas card and with sickos that isn't happening either...I don't handle change well.
I am angry...
I have been telling him all week that I don't mind going to pick up the gifts for his family, but do not want to pick them out. If he would just tell me what he wants me to get them, then I would get it. I have been nagging...I can't help it...we leave Tuesday and we have nothing accomplished in that department. It doesn't help that his family was probably done shopping for us last month.
This is me today(not really, obviously)...elbow deep in cleaning supplies...and about to flip my lid...I can seriously feel my heart pounding...the toddler is walking around the house in a constant cry...the boys are playing video games and my dear, sweet, husband comes in and says..."hey, babe what's for lunch...wow...it looks good in here!" I wanted to throw the toilet wand at him. "Thanks"...fake smile..."I'll be right there." Remember...I have the Thumper rule going on. If you don't have anything nice to say....well, you know.
So, I have these feelings...they don't appear to be going anywhere...I need to talk to him about stuff, but also don't want to lay all this on him at once either. If I don't say something soon, I will explode...and it won't be pretty.
Thank you for letting me vent this with all of you wonderful people. I do feel a little bit better already.
WE should go on that tv show Wife Swap...oh wait we'd both end up in the SAME FLIPPIN' house! LOL...okay maybe that was true before Dd.. so don't give up hope. NOT that you are going to do ttwd, but Barney has been way more helpful since ttwd.
ReplyDeleteSo yes tread carefully, but do not remain silent. You already know that, because you know you are going to explode.
So something's got to give, and that something unfortunately for you this year is going to have to be some of your expectations.
Bare with me. First who cares if his family has had your gifts for months?...pah
Second, this year maybe you are going to have to buy the gifts for his family with little imput from him ( next year is another year) and which is worse giving a little, buying the gifts and checking it off of the list, or fuming, and waiting for imput that might not come?
As annoying as it may be, because I sure as heck hate coming home to a messy house, let it go. Do a tidy, but don't kill yourself. Employ the short workers at your house to do some stuff too. It might not be perfect, but sometimes Okay is okay too.
Yeah...got nothing on the family situation...except chose wine not whine
The key one here for me is the one I think you should talk to Hubby about- leaving ON TIME and why. You can't start the vakay behind the 8 ball. This one is so difficult because Barney is SO that guy. As far as packing goes, EVERY freakin' time he comes with his baseball cap full of stuff at the end, toothbrush, deo. glasses well you get the picture- after he has hosed out the backyard or some darn thing. I mentally prepare that we are going to leave 40 minutes after we plan to, so I am not as disappointed/angry. It didn't work the first ( 5 times) few times, but it is getting better. Besides who wants to rush to see know-it-all sister in law anyway :)
So respectfully talk to Hubby about what things he THINKS are important to be done before you go, and ask if he needs help getting it done, so that you don't have any delays on starting on your trip. Explain to him that the kids are so excited to leave that their disappointment when you don't leave on time, rubs you the wrong way, leaving you angry, and that you have noticed you have a tendency to take that anger out on him during the beginning of your trip -Making it unplesant for all the occupants of the vehicle.
So YUP I am making it look like YOU are taking the fall, but the message is still in there. You want to leave on time, you don't want the kids upset, and you don't want you and he to be upset.
Or just clock him on the head when you are ready to go- get the bigger kid to help you put him in the van, and drive as far away as you can ( windows open, music blarring) until he comes to!
Oh Willie! What will we do with them...can I just say...that last paragraph...priceless advice right there:) I am laughing so hard that I am crying...which I am sure was the point. I will take your advice to heart and make my plan for the next two days...now if we can all stay healthy...geez!
DeleteI will not be held accountable if you take the last bit of advice to heart!
DeleteIF you had more time I would have given you different advice...well except for the last bit.
Don't fret the small stuff and get sick yourself!
Enjoy your holiday!
Hehehe, I meant I would take the advice at the top to heart...if it doesn't work and I need something to think about on the way out of town...I will just visualize the last paragraph...and make him wonder what I am laughing about:)
DeleteOhhhhh - the cap full of things! Yes - Ian does that - it drives me nuts, because it is stuff that I have already packed....
Deleteand then the questions.....did you pack my 6th grade report card? stuff that no one is every going to need.....it just makes me want to take a couple of vicodin and wake up at our destination...
but yeah - putting the problem to sleep might be a way of looking at that outside the box....
OMG! YES! To the 6th grade report card thing! Grrr. My issue is we camp, for like a week at a time, so the van is LOADED down--camping gear, 3 (men-type) boys, dog, kennel, snacks, electronics to entertain on trip etc...then loose crap in a BASEBALL cap? What could possibly go wrong there? GAH! AND then ask me if I packed blah, 40 minutes from home..we'll buy it when we get there!
DeleteSorry Bea. Feeling better about Hubby yet?
I have so been there - you will find several rants like this one on my blog. I also cannot leave a messy house - because that means I come home to a messy house bringing with me a bunch of laundry that isn't done.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you that I am still cleaning while others sit around, I am still being asked whats for dinner/lunch while others sit around - ugh.
I am not sure if it would help but I think sitting down and making a list of what needs to be done for you to leave and than asking your husband "Is there anything else that needs to be done" let him add whatever he wants and then - when that list is done - stick him in the car. No late entries to the list on travel day. I also think it is fine to say - "You know that the stress of getting ready for a trip has led to tension in the past - in an effort to avoid that and start our trip off on the right foot this is what I need..."
Good luck and know you aren't alone - there are many of us having the same issues.
Thank you for the wording...I used this exact wording to him yesterday...along with a little..."we have been getting along so well lately and I don't want us to fight." He said he would try not to do "insert random, unimportant thing here" before we leave. Was it really that easy? We shall see:)
DeleteThat is awesome - fingers crossed that you got off without too much stress or tension!
DeleteChill girl or you will explode. We are here to listen though. Good sage advice from Wilma. I have a couple of suggestions too. Don't be ready to go that way when he comes home and wants something to do you can have him pack. You can be tidying up the house then or sitting there watching a movie with the kids while he is running around. Gifts for the family, Amazon gift cards - easy and you can buy anything from there these days. Family and kids - ignore the kids, everybody else seems to why should you be different.
ReplyDeleteOkay, this is like the Phyllis Diller advice. Seriously, Amazon is the key.
Good luck
Hey Phyllis...I mean sunnygirl:) Thanks! Part of this is me...his family (or at least his brother and his wife) always have thoughtful wonderful gifts for us and we always give them giftcards. I wanted to give them something special this year...but I am trying to let that go. They truly do love us no matter what...the problem is me on this one.
DeleteI have begun to give Amazon gift cards for almost everything. I threw one in a baby shower card the other day......at least I know they will not need the receipt to return them, and they don't have to be wrapped....genius
Deletelillie hugs
Well I know it is still a gift card, and I am not sure if they even have them in your neck of the woods, BUT Master Card also has gift cards. You just give them to whomever and they can use them anywhere they accept M/C. That way you can stick a nice note in there like "Go have dinner on us" or something like that. I buy them every year for Barney's nephew in his mid 20s...he can either buy food, or booze...lol I'm thinking it is the latter.
DeleteBea, I think we live the same life. Seriously...a few months ago I could have written that. I swear every time we were going somewhere I feel the way you described. I want the house to be clean and everything to be just do.....and then I drive everyone nuts...myself included until I can get things just the way I want. I hate coming home to a dirty house! Then, yes my dear husband would be watching TV or something....and I would want to bash him on the head with the nearest vase! :)
ReplyDeleteSo yes, none of that helped. Maybe this will....I dunno. Since we started ttwd (which I don't think you are doing but you can still do this) I have a schedule each week....yes really :) But I swear to you in breaks stuff down into more manageable bits for me. So, the week before we go somewhere I can see that by the day we leave....if I stay on schedule...that it WILL get done, and we will be okay. You don't need your hubby to make the schedule you can do that part...a little bit each day.
As far as him not helping at the in laws....I think it is perfectly acceptable to tell him that you are stressed, that you want to have a good time, but you find it hard to relax and ask him respectfully if he could help you more when you are there.
As far as the gifts go....just go get them....seriously don't fret over them....truly I am sure you will do fine :D
I understand, I swear I do. Like I said I could have written this. A year ago, we hosted his entire family to our house for Christmas ( I have three small boys). Talk about major meltdowns and fighting....not pretty. Earlier in the summer we hosted 42 people to our house for a family reunion....and not one meltdown. And trust me for a spaz...contol freak....meltdown queen likes me...that is huge! I think the difference is our communication level....oh and my list ;) But I was able to go to him and say quietly during that week...I am stressed....I need.....and do it in a way that he was more happy than to oblige.
I feel for you. I do. In time, it gets better. Hang in there :D
Thank you Lucy! I wish I was the only one...but in a way am glad I am not:) I have an issue with overfilling? what would the word be...trying to do too much...maybe I can make a list and have my husband cross things off if he thinks I have too much on there. I did talk to him about helping while we were there last night. He sat quiet for a minute and said "Do you want to take turns...like morning and afternoon?" I said "maybe more of a rotation?"...He said "we need a sign." Seriously...who is this man?
DeleteYou are really busy this week. I would pull out the alcohol and add a little to my coffee. We always give our parents pictures, and with the aunts and uncles we have a white elephant gift exchange and for the kids, I have my kids pick out one of their nicer toys to exchange with them.
ReplyDeleteI hope it goes better for you, and if my husband tried to pull a stunt like last minute mowing the lawn, I would take all the kids out for ice cream/coffee shop and leave and go relax somewhere else fun AWAY from him until he is finished.
I cannot add to the wonderful advice and tips above.....just an acknowledgement that it is universal among women, mothers, wives.
ReplyDeleteI would like to say that it gets better as the kids get older, but sigh.....I am just slower and crankier. Ian is more obstinate.....it does not get better, my dear......
add the booze to your coffee.....take a sedative.....drop 2 in his cup and good luck.
hugs and love
lillie
You all crack me up! Well, definitely not alone in this am I? I am off to go put some alcohol in my coffee:) Any males out there? Is there some function to the last minute things? Some way I can share my feelings without offending?:)
ReplyDeleteSo late Bea, but I'll just add to the misery. I had to go into the kitchen last night...on the other side of the counter from MM so that I didn't reach out and shake him for being so annoying. There are ways in which they won't change. Gotta grin and bear it I think.
ReplyDelete