Amazing Grace

If I knew then, what I know now. 

John Newton was a captain of a slaving ship.  He was known for his gross profanity in a culture that was quite profane.  Several things occurred in his life to bring him to Christianity and make better choices.  He wrote many hymns and among them my absolute favorite.  It is considered an autobiography of sorts: Amazing Grace. 

Arlo Guthrie likes to tell a story when he sings Amazing Grace about John Newton and although the story may not be 100% accurate, it is John Newton's story nonetheless.  A story about how his heart changed over his life.  I have finally figured out how to link...yea!  You can hear the story here:

 

What can I say...my parents were hippies.  My Itunes account would confuse a lot of people.

 

Anyway...I want everyone to know that although I am a Christian, I will not judge...as Arlo Guthrie said in another story of his, this is a "Bring your own God" kind of blog.  I wouldn't suggest trying to convert me and I won't try to convert you.  Agreed?  Ok, now for my story.  I think God has a sense of humor and much to my chagrin his own sense of timing. 

 

I have at times in my life said the following things and had to Eat My Words:

 

I will never be a stay at home mom.

I will never drive a minivan.

I would never stay with a man who cheated on me.

I will never have three kids (I wanted an even number)

I will never submit to anyone.

(The list is a bit longer...but you get the point).

 

So...needless to say that I have learned never to say never and...oh...I LOVE my minivan. 

 

My journey to submit started with a bible study on proverbs.  I love how God reveals himself sometimes.  I began to study submission.  I found a lot of BDSM sites, Christian sites, and some sites that I immediately hit the big X, turned bright red and wouldn't turn my computer back on for a few days.  Yikes! 

 

BDSM is just not for me...whatever floats your boat, though.  A lot of Christian sites said...yes, yes, yes, of course you should submit to your husbands and then they would either a) not give you any practical advice or b) the advice they give was not true submission...some of it bordered on manipulation.  Those other sites...well, lets hope I don't stumble upon any of those ever again.

 

I was confused and frustrated and then I found this lovely community.  There was practical advice, love and support, and also this thing with spanking.   Hmmmm...not to sure about that.  But I have learned never to say never, remember...but at this point I am not trying to introduce Dd into my marriage. 

 

So, here I am still confused and frustrated, but now loved and supported too in this thing I am trying to do. 

 

Just trying to clear this up.  I almost didn't want to tell you.  I was afraid you would be like, "Really, all you are trying to do is submit to your husband...let him wear the pants...that's nothing...what is so hard about that?"  But I have told a few of you and still been loved and supported!  I appreciate all your advice, your well wishes, your "come down off the ceiling now, Bea, it is going to be alrights". 

 

This post is not making much sense yet, but I promise I have a point. 

 

My heart is changing.  Everything I always believed was the right way to be as a woman, a wife...is different now. My attitudes and beliefs which some might have called feminist made me less feminine, made my husband less masculine, made a chasm form between our hearts.  I look back at my marriage in wonderment that I could have been so blind...much like I am sure John Newton looked back on his.  I want to shout it to the world, but even if I did, it doesn't work that way.  God reveals your path when he wants to and I can only be an example for others. 

 

If John Newton hadn't been through the things he had in life...he wouldn't have written such a beautiful song.  Sure he would have saved himself a lot of pain and regret, but look what we would have missed out on: 

 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!

Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promis’d good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below,
Will be forever mine.

 

I may not be where I am now, if I knew then what I know now.  So thank you Dd community and I hope we can still hang out:)...your marriages are an inspiration to me.  Your communication, love, dynamic, struggles, and stories help me to learn what I can do to make my marriage better.  Even though I don't think Dd is for us...I know I can learn from you.  Maybe others can learn from me.  I know not all my readers are Dd participants, and I appreciate you too:)  I just wanted to clear that up so that there wasn't any confusion...I will let you know if I have to eat my words:)