Ok, so I here I am with this weeks visual...LOL! Apparently this is just how I process so bear with me...this post is all over the place:
I worry that some of the feelings I am having are just the tip of the iceberg. Above the water is a mountain of strength, calm, controlled and apparently hiding below the water...well, I don't even know what is under there yet. What is hiding under all that outward calm and control? My friends would tell you that I have it all together...you all would probably say: Wow..that chick has issues. It is because I am showing you some of what is under that water. The reality is probably somewhere in between.
I had a vision or an expectation for how I wanted last weekend to go...it didn't go that way and I think my funk was equal parts disappointment and frustration. Plus, I am having a very hard time trying to figure out how to express my feelings, needs, opinions and not be disrespectful (or for it to be received in that way).
Whenever I do give my opinion I feel like he automatically defers to me.
I started this process to surrender in the hopes of not only making myself into the person I want to be and helping our relationship, but also because I need something that I am not getting. I need a leader among other things that are under the surface of that water right there. Yes, I know that I have not given him much time to switch gears. He's still in first gear and I am in third. I was hoping that we would have more conversation about our relationship this weekend, but alas we didn't really speak. I also need him to care about us...to want to work on making us better. Not because I think we should, but because he thinks we should...DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?
I won't get into the details of the weekend...as I said, it was whiny...and I can't stand when I am whiny.
I will tell you the areas where my husband is "picking up the pants" so to speak. (partly so I can focus on the positive). He is certainly wearing the pants these days in the bedroom. I am quite enjoying the change and have already talked about how I go a couple of days now and get antsy...who is this woman I am becoming?:) He is now telling me to do things instead of maybe, suggesting, I might could, possibly, if I am not too tired do______________.(fill in the blank). It's hot.
Another area where he is starting to notice is my general health and well being...I had asked him to help me with my weight loss and he has done things like send me a text saying to eat healthy, ask me when I buttered my third french bread slice with dinner if that was going to help me with my goals (I did not eat that bread by the way and it was also the night he came home to tell me of the move...I eat when I am stressed...nervous habit like fingernail chewing I guess), he also suggested I go workout today before my errands. All of these things I asked him to do so don't get upset with him:)
He also told me the other day to take my hand away from the sink when I ran the disposal. I was just flicking food into the hole...my hand was nowhere near it! Geez. He apparently hates it when I climb on the counters to reach the upper shelves...(I never knew that). We are both short so asking him to reach it won't help. He then stood behind me while I climbed on a chair...probably just enjoying the view:), but there you go.
I feel like I am putting forth all this effort to improve our relationship and our family life and he withdraws...often. (basically what happened this weekend) Sure we are still having a lot more sex, but I feel unsatisfied (not with the sex...that is great for the most part). Monday morning he was in the mood...I was not, especially after the weekend. I was available, but not really receptive. I feel like we are both falling into old patterns and old habits...not that we really developed new ones yet.
If I say, for example, that I was disappointed with how the weekend went and wished that we had been able to do more together.
He would say...see, I can't do anything right...or something along those lines.
Then I feel guilty for saying anything...but if I don't say anything then I am resentful.
So then I don't say anything...he doesn't say anything...and then we aren't really talking or connecting...and we drift along and apart from each other.
See where the frustration comes in?
Plus we haven't had a date in forever...later this week we will be going to his company Christmas party...I don't think that really counts. And I am potty training a very stubborn toddler. Just thought I would throw that one in there.
See this post makes no sense...but such is life at the moment.
What is under the water at your place? How do you share your feelings respectfully (I use I statements, etc)? How do you get the help you need when you are overwhelmed?
Upcoming posts: Division of Labor, Where does my inner control FREAK come from?, and Mom sends toddler to Potty Boot Camp
...in case you were curious:)
Hi Bea :)
ReplyDeleteWell after all that you have my deepest sympathy for.....attempting to potty train the toddler....Godspeed my friend ;)
The beginning of these kinds of changes are just emotional....truly. When the walls start crumbling down...it is so emotional, and hard, and raw. You will probably feel every thing from anger to being reduced to a puddle of melted iceberg ;) Whatever you feel...it is normal that I am sure of.
Levi....well, you are right he probably still is in first...and you are just shifting away. When Ryan and I started making changes I was SURE he was not in this....not trying....blah,blah. I almost gave up reading blogs because I just knew that our marriage would never get better. Don't be like me. Keep the faith....and keep going :D
One last thing...keep encouraging him. When he does those things that you like and find helpful let him know. It is totally okay to tell him (nicely) about things that you need....but when I would remember to thank Ryan for the improvements....I saw even more.
You are doing great Bea...I promise....hang in there!
Lucy ps sorry about the mini novel!
Thanks Lucy! Whoever said girls were easier...LIED THROUGH THEIR TEETH! It's funny...you think...I know what I am doing, this is my third go round...and then God humbles you. Ugh.
DeleteThanks for letting me know that I am not alone. I prided myself on being in control and now I am a mess:) Not really on the outside, but on the inside.
You can write a book on my posts anytime:)
Hugs, Bea
C'mere Bea, let me hug you.
ReplyDeleteI could have literally written this post myself a few weeks ago, and not to scare you, but I could have written half of it this week too.
I have ALWAYS described myself as an iceberg where my emotions are concerned. No lie. I started thinking this after my father pasted away when I was 20. I stuffed so much down there, that I was always afraid how much would be exposed if the water level dropped.
What we have to try and remember is the Titanic. Scary I know. Think of it this way, the danger for those around us is that they can't see what is under the water. So sometimes if they come too close, they are going to be in big trouble. The more exposed the iceberg the safer it is- Levi for example will be able to chart his course better. Trust me there are a lot of choppy water days around my iceberg.
I often think that people in Blog Land think I am a neurotic mess too. The thing is, those who blog know very well that we only share part of our days, and most often the days where we struggle. So never concern yourself with that. AND even if you can't...go and read almost ANY one of my posts, and you'll feel better lol.
I have asked Barney to read your post, and hopefully shed some light on the situation for you. We are still in the " Just how freakin' big is this Iceberg ?" stage over here so he might be able to give you Levi's perspective. Not that you still don't have to talk about it together, but it might make it easier for you to deal with until that time. LOL...or not.
As for Potty training..I've got nothing. I had all boys so the aiming at the Cheerio fun wouldn't really help you unless she is THAT talented...
Thank you Wilma...it is nice to know that I am not the only one out there. I would greatly appreciate male perspective...I just don't know the best way to approach him...kinda crazy after 12 years, but there you go.
DeleteLet's just say we are going on two months on the potty training thing and I am really glad I don't have new carpet...sometimes she does great, others not so much. We have tried rewards (bribery), stern talk, and even dancing around the bathroom when she goes...I am at a loss. I wish I could fast forward this process a little:)
Good luck on your stairs today:)
Bea
Hi Bea! I am so sorry that your are all at loose ends! Thinking and marinating about things is good. I have found that men tend to do things that they are complimented for, have you thought about mentioning the things you like? You mentioned a whole list of them above. Something like when you wake up in the morning saying, "I love the way you took charge last night, it makes me feel wonderful"...maybe...?
ReplyDeleteThat is an awesome idea...I do pretty well with this when he helps around the house, but sex talk has me diving under the covers...geez I am 36 and been married 12 years...you would think I would be over that:)
DeleteGood luck on the potty training. sounds as if she might have a stubborn steak. Is that possible she may have inherited it from someone in her immediate family?
ReplyDeleteCan't help right now, I have my own iceberg to conend with. It must be something in the air.
Good luck and hope the thaw comes soon.
That's ok, you can say it...she is my daughter. My mom just laughs and laughs...very funny.
DeleteI wish you well with your iceberg...holidays make everyone go a little crazy.
Smile sunnygirl!
We are potty training right now too, she's got number 2's down, but she still pees all over the carpet whenever she feels like it, it's gross.
ReplyDeleteHere's my two cents...Men need time to relax, veg and eat; when they are at home that's what they expect to do, it's just how they are. I wish women were like this too, but we're not, we're continually nesting and nurturing..it's just how we are.
It sounds like you guys have a great sex life and that your husband is feeling very confident in his sexual abilities, this is a good thing...don't stop having so much sex with him..but do stop talking about it. Gradually lose interest in sex (but keep doing it whenever he initiates), this will perk his interest and make him curious about you. Your husband is receiving all of his admiration and validation sexually and your goal is to give him his validation and admiration for being a good father and husband. Currently he doesn't need to be a good father or husband because he is getting sex, admiration, and he assumes that you are very happy. It is important to men that we are happy, so stop being so happy about sex and start getting happy and giving him approval when he does good fathering and helps around the house more. Be patient, like YEARS patient. Keep liking and having sex, and encourage him like crazy whenever he takes a leadership role in anything. Don't turn him down or disregard his ideas, be very careful not to discourage him. Keep loving him and being a great wife.
Thank you sis for the ideas! Potty training stinks...I could write a whole post on this...Uggghhhh.
DeleteI will definitely try to encourage his leadership role and not turn down any ideas he has...I hesitate to "lose interest in sex" as I feel like this would turn in to him having to earn it by good behavior or something...maybe I am misunderstanding?
Thanks,
Bea
You still have sex all the time, it's just that you stop being the initiator and you don't make such a big deal out of it. Instead you make a big deal when he unloads the dishwasher or reads a book to the kids. His affirmation from you comes from being a good father and husband.
DeleteI didn't read the other comments cause I didn't want to get their ideas mixed with mine. I guess like most men, I can only focus on one thing at a time...
ReplyDeleteSo forgive me if I repeat what someone else said.
You're right, you both have to want change, not just you. If Levi wants change, he needs to accept responsibility for what he contributes to the relationship and what he contributes to that change.
For example, you said his reaction would be to say "I can't do anything right". That's a pretty common response I would say in the face of change and criticism, but in my experience it really isn't about him or me. It's about what you (or she) needs and whether you as a man are providing that.
So it's not about not doing it right, it's about changing things up in yourself to meet a need. It's nothing personal and it's not and attack to get defensive about, it is just a fact.
I can only speak for myself, but as soon as I accepted responsibility for being what she needs in the relationship, when we had issues it became less about "what I'm doing wrong" to "what am I missing, or what can I do differently to meet her needs".
All part of the process I think.
Thank you ponyboy and I have told him to have a look at your blog as I think he would enjoy it. So if you see any anon Levis around then that's him:)
DeleteI guess I wish it wasn't such a loooooooong process, but I suppose we have time:) LOL! He has always said the "I can't do anything right"...he is kinda a perfectionist and gets defensive really easy, but I think some may be my delivery...we'll figure it out...thanks again for male perspective..they always say women are hard to figure out...but my strong, silent man is a puzzle!
I'm the same way, my wife always says I'm hard to read and figure out.
DeleteOh.....the potty training. I probably screwed my kids up royally, but my daughter was so stubborn, I finally started asking her for advice. When I saw her start to fidget, I would say, "I think I have to pee, what should I do?" I remember her looking at me like I was an idiot, and then saying I should go to the potty. I said, "Will you come with me?" and she sat on her little throne and I on the big one, and when she heard me pee - she peed too. She just had to be the one in charge.....
ReplyDeleteI am not very good at the sharing of information thing, with Ian. I tend to try to keep things to myself until they are going to explode and then bits of submerged truth go flying through the air - with very little respect to be found.
Good luck with the toddler
hugs
lillie
The bad thing is that she is completely capable...she can go days without accidents and then has 5 in one day...she can't go 2 yet either...we are coming up on 3 and it is frustrating.
DeleteThat is part of my problem too...the exploding...and it is usually not about what I am really upset about.
hugs back at ya,
Bea
We don't go on many dates either, but we try and connect on a regular basis on a Friday or Saturday night, sharing some time on the couch just talking about life. That little connection sharing some wine and giving each other all our attention means a lot and is often better than "date night". Some topics are hard to talk about, but we're getting better even though they're awkward (my post tomorrow is on communication). If you haven't read it yet, the five love languages book may be an exercise you two can do together. Sounds like your needs are different than his, so if you can identify those difference, it explains a lot and you can alter your approach. His being withdrawn and snapping back on the "can't do anything right" is just a defense mechanism. Try not to engage this rotten ego and try and calm it down. It takes a lot of strength when emotions are raw on both ends, but if you can, calm your own egoic mind (that's defending your own position) and calm the situation with a hug or something like that. Simple physical contact like that I've found works for me when I'm seeing red and it's really hard to be mad at someone who's submitting themselves in an embrace. A simple hug can say so many things you can't explain verbally. So my advice to you is try and snuggle up to him more, turn the tv down and try and just talk about life once a week or so. ..and though you didn't ask for advice on nutrition, I'll give some anyway: stay away from the bread/pasta (and all soda). No real nutritional value. If you like pasta and meat sauce, substitute sliced zucchini instead. You seriously won't miss it once you adjust. Good luck on the communication front!
ReplyDeleteThat in the house date night is an awesome idea...Levi doesn't talk much, he's kinda the strong, silent type. I don't shut up much so communication is really hard for us. I have taken the quiz and he did as well, but we don't have the book. Glad to know it is good, I will check that out. My love language is acts of service and his is physical touch. Thanks for the nutrition advice too! Zucchini sounds yummy. I have been trying to eat clean...at least 5 fruits and veggies so I won't overeat...I think my issues are mainly portion sizes. Trying to feed the family one thing and eat another is tough...it doesn't help that Levi can eat whatever he wants and he doesn't put on so much as an ounce:) Yes, just a little jealous of his metabolism.
DeleteThanks for the advice...
Bea
This all sounds so very familiar! I too was three steps behind Wilma, now I am only two! This whole process is a huge change in how you relate to each other and it takes a great deal of effort with some days being one step back and hoping for two steps forward. I accept the greater responsibility of being HOH but it is not yet second nature. Communication for us (can I speak for most HOH's)is very difficult when it now seems that your wife is speaking a new language. I think I understand what I need to do to satisfy Wilma's submissive needs but accomplishing this is a learned skill with some painful setbacks along the way. It seems like a slow process for me and I ask myself this - How can you lead when you are playing catch up and when she seems to be always setting new expectations? Well it can and will be done when I truly become comfortable in my new role. This is new for Wilma as well, though she had a head start, and some days she struggles to find progress in her feelings, with no help from me. Can I expect her to feel submissive when I am not making her feel that way? Each day is a new day and with a little faith (in each other)things will work out.
ReplyDeleteYes - Barney has a voice.
Welcome, Welcome Barney! I must say that your wife is adorable, funny, and much loved...but I am sure you know that:) I am definitely struggling with being patient, but I truly think that you leaders have a difficult job...to know what we need even when we don't, or when we fight it...I don't envy you all. I know there are several HOHs in blogland that would agree with everything you are saying! It's funny since I started this my feelings are whacked and I struggle with things that I didn't know I needed to struggle with, but I feel closer to Levi than I have in years! Thank you so much for your perspective...I like that "faith in each other"...reminds me of that song "Have a little faith in me" by John Hiatt...may have to post that video soon:)
DeleteWe are happy to hear your voice Barney,
Bea
I think my comment got lost in "the cloud" yesterday. LOL...perhaps for the best. Love what everyone had to say here and neat to see Willie's Barney writing.
ReplyDeleteSomething we started doing more when we began this way of life was to hug. Neither of us always had the words to explain what was going on inside. So much time was spent in frustration but it softened both of us so much to just find the other person and hug them. Sometimes it starts conversations but mostly it just tells the other that we are right here and we are in this together...and we are going to be okay.
I'm simply going to wish you a nice long date night very soon! Blasted sweet, adorable, stubborn toddlers.
Thank you Susie!
DeleteOh Yes the HUG! Before we started ttwd, I read somewhere about the importance of the hug. It is very intimate. You are to hug a minimum of 3 times a day, for at least 20 seconds. Sounds odd that you'd have to do that or set a minimum time limit..Try it if you don't. It can be awkward at the start. <- I know right? WTHeck? It doesn't take long to be a habit..I nice one at that.
DeleteAS for your comments to Barney about me....oh go on with ya! No seriously...continue :)