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"When what you are fighting is not the enemy, surrender is victory, not defeat"

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Monday, December 3, 2012

Lead me

I wrote a very whiny post and then decided not to subject you to it.  I'll just say this: Old Habits Die Hard.  I did not have a very good weekend.  I feel further away than when I started...is this one of those one step forward, two steps back deals?  Well, if so it sucks.  Just sayin.

Levi and I are not connecting...he is withdrawing.  I don't know what to do or how to talk to him about this.  I am overwhelmed and tired.  I have tried asking his opinion on things and he acts put out that I am not just doing it.  (ex: what to get the kids for Christmas, opinions on the picture to use for the Christmas card) 

I hope to speak to him tonight and hope to have a positive post to share tomorrow...until then...

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14 comments:

  1. AnonymousDecember 3, 2012 at 3:17 PM

    Hang in there, Bea :)
    Thinking of you,
    hugs
    lillie

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  2. AnonymousDecember 3, 2012 at 3:38 PM

    I think any time you are trying to adjust how you relate to each other, there will be bumps along the way.

    I also think every couple will find a dynamic that works for them... that's probably all you guys are figuring out.

    Maybe, while you wanting him to be the leader, he as the leader feels those decisions you used as an example above are ones he would rather you just make on your own? i.e., they are smaller decisions that he doesn't want to be involved in?

    I dunno, I guess something for you guys to talk about! Looking forward to the follow up, I'm sure it will be positive.

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    1. New BeaDecember 4, 2012 at 5:45 AM

      Thanks for the thoughts...I never thought of that. I am just so tired of making all the decisions that I wanted him to be enthusiastic about helping with something. I wanted to find some way to connect with him after our weekend of unmet expectations. We have a lot of talking to do for sure and I hope it is positive:)

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  3. Aimless RamblingDecember 3, 2012 at 3:43 PM

    Bea, sorry you are so frustrated. I"m not dd but from what others have said men take a while to get their head wrapped around to the new dynamic. They explain that usually the wives have spent months researching and then present it to the guys and expect instant acceptance on their part. I wish I could remember the post but hopefully the person will read and direct you to it.

    Good luck and keep the faith.
























    '

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    1. New BeaDecember 4, 2012 at 5:46 AM

      Thanks sunnygirl:) I am not doing dd either and you would think that just changing our dynamic from me leading and making all the decisions to him leading would be easier...but alas, it is not:)

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  4. FondlesDecember 4, 2012 at 3:31 AM

    **hugs** hope you get the chance for a good clear talk.

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    1. New BeaDecember 4, 2012 at 5:51 AM

      I think we are going to need a date night very soon!:) It is so hard to talk with these munchkins running around:)

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  5. AnonymousDecember 4, 2012 at 3:49 AM

    Hang in there Bea. Sometimes each person needs a bit of time to process, then a moment to come back, talk and find some perspective all over again. I hope today is better!

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  6. willieDecember 4, 2012 at 6:02 AM

    Okay I could have sworn I already posted something, but regardless, this is from a post I had...( I was searching for it last night) You don't have to post this on your comments,


    *"I still don’t understand, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that when I was doing ttwd on my own, before I let you in on my little secret I felt more free, and submissive than I do now.

    I suppose it is like throwing a ball against a wall, you can aim it so it comes back to you every time. Once you have a partner to throw it to you instead, it becomes much more challenging. Sometimes you can catch the ball several times in a row, other times you are running for it and still miss. You then begin to question the thrower’s ability to throw the ball, not so much your ability to catch. I mean you were doing that fine on your own, right?"*

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    1. New BeaDecember 4, 2012 at 6:12 AM

      Very true Wilma...I suppose I should give the poor man a break...He said he would pick up the pants...he picks up the pants in the bedroom...wink, wink. He occasionally picks up the pants if he feels I am endangering myself...got a whole post on the things he feels are dangerous...geez...eye roll. But other than that...nothing.

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    2. willieDecember 4, 2012 at 6:20 AM

      I seriously have missing comments all over blog land in the past 24 hours, but anyway..

      My first comment ended with..He most likely wasn't looking at the decision of which picture to choose, but more... I have to make every decision now? ( of course I said it WAY better the first time, but you get the gyst). Perhaps he is overwhelmed and uncertain- I am NOT saying that is any easier or less painful for you.

      Barney is exactly as you discribe Levi- it is easier somehow to don the HoH hat if it concerns OUR well being. But that is something right?

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  7. AverageMarriedDadDecember 4, 2012 at 9:53 AM

    I tend to agree with Ponyboy in that maybe he's just thought he's delegated those things to you through some non-verbal arrangement. Depending on his view point, he may be more of a big-picture thinker and these are more detailed thinker type obligations.

    I wouldn't sweat the situation too hard. Try not to dwell on the past and instead think about moving forward to a better tomorrow. Communicate whatever issues you need to (may be left unresolved, but at least communicate them) and turn the page. Changing dynamics after an old pattern has been established is not easy and it really is a two-forward, one-back type situation as you continue to reset the baseline. I wouldn't be too hard on him. I'm an awful gift giver and hate shopping so I get his lack of interest in kids gifts. If my wife was a "receiving gift" person in the 5-Love Languages approach, I'd probably be divorced. People are just wired to show their affection/love differently from one another.

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    1. New BeaDecember 4, 2012 at 1:03 PM

      Thanks AMD, It really helps to have the male perspective. I think I was so overwhelmed with all the decision making (especially this time of year) and was missing the connection with him. I sometimes feel like I am just doing this all alone. Because of my past behavior, I think he is reluctant to voice his opinion and I am still hesitant to relinquish control. I think sometimes I feel like his lack of opinion is a lack of interest or caring...after talking to him yesterday, I am not sure that is it. Acts of Service and Quality time are high on my list:) Will have more on this in my next post.
      Bea

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