Steamroller Part 2

Ok, so I have to admit to you all that this was a bit of an experiment.  Other than safety and health and well being (which I have heard from you comes first), Levi has not said much.  Now, keep in mind we are aiming for him being the head of household and I want to hear his "voice".  I am speaking metaphorically here...by voice I don't mean just talking...I want to know what is going on inside that head, I want to know what he feels on issues that affect us.  I am tired of making all the decisions with no input.

I wrote Steamroller part 1 with the express intent of showing it to him.  Did I know that it might bruise his ego...yes, I did.  Did I want to do that?  No, I did not.  But here is the thing...I was at a loss. 

The notebook alone was not working.  Surrendering myself alone was not working.  Trying to speak with him about my feelings alone was not working.  Being completely open to sex and even making sure that he understood that my body was his alone was not working.  I felt like I had to spell it out.  Would I recommend this to a friend?  NO. 

I do not like to hurt people, sometimes so much so that it is a detriment to myself...yes, I am a bit of a people pleaser-so I avoid confrontation, I avoid those serious subjects...until now.  I had him read it.  Let's just say that I could tell that I had bruised the ego just a bit...yes, he was not too pleased about being compared to a smart car.  That was the first thing he noticed...then he read the bottom about shoveling through my stuff to understand me.

He has since been very perceptive to my steamrollerness.  (You called it Susie:))  Here are the following examples in just two days: (Keep in mind that I did none of these things on purpose...this was not some test for him to pass)

Example 1 -

I was on the phone with him and we were discussing a deadline for a project that we had to turn in for a volunteer thing we do with the kids.  It was really neither of our responsibilities, but Levi is in charge of the whole thing, so it falls to him.  He is slammed at work, so I told him that I would do it.  It has stressed me out to no end!  It took 2 and a half days to complete...I have never done it before and had no idea what I was doing...but we did turn it in last night:)  Phew. 

I digress...so we were on the phone discussing it and I was freaking out...this is before I finished it of course:

Blah, Blah, Blah...it really isn't important what I am saying this is one of those spewing of stuff overflowing out of my brain...like when mac and cheese boils over.

(did you know that if you put a wooden spoon over the pot...it won't)

(boy, am I ADD today:))

 


But he said, "STOP...TAKE A DEEP BREATH...NOW LISTEN"

He then proceeded to calm me down, explain things clearly, and I sat in stunned (happy) silence.

Example 2 -

I was having a catalog party for a certain home selling business.  I love these things and I was helping out a friend.  The thing was, I was trying to turn it in at a very stressful time...at the dinner table I was trying to text my friend some information to finish up closing the party and Levi could tell that I was stressed.

He said, "I don't want you to have parties anymore, it isn't worth the stress."

Stunned Silence...

Then I attempted, "Uh, ..."  What was I going to say?  It was stressing me out...The conversation was changed due to children...y'all know how that works...you never actually get to complete conversations at the dinner table...you just start a bunch:)

So later he asked why I liked to have the parties...I said well, I get free stuff and I help a friend...he pretended to ponder (I love it when he does that...he already knows what he is going to say, but I can tell he tries to pretend like he is considering what I said:))

 



So then he told me that I could have them, but no more during Christmas or other stressful times.

Example 3 -

I was rushing around this morning getting kid 1 and kid 2 ready for school and out the door.  He was heading out to work and stood in my path and held out his hand...

"Come here, wife"

I put my hand in his and he pulled me to him...I will admit that my face was probably like this:

 

 

(Ok, just so you know...I don't look like him:), but you get the look I had on my face, right?)

But I complied...I will work on the face later...inside my heart was like this:


He then gave me a long kiss and a butt grab and smack and left for work.

I stood there for a minute like this:

 

"Mom...(poke, poke)...MOM!"

"Oh yeah, ummmm let me sign your homework folder...hurry, hurry.  We'll miss the bus."