I recently read a post on Marriage in the Bedroom, it described the difference between how an alpha buys a computer and how a beta buys a computer. It described with glaring accuracy how decisions are made here at my house. Take a look...it's short and sweet.
Ok, did you read it? Go read it...okay are you back? This will really make more sense if you just....oh, ok, you read it.
This is why I am so tired. Levi is the man in charge at work...people look up to him, they respect him, he is known for cultivating great relationships with the client (which led to this moving thing). He receives emails from executives congratulating his hard work, he receives texts from employees about how awesome he is to work for.
At home, I make all the decisions...this is why I am so tired and overwhelmed. I am completely capable of making these decisions. It isn't that. I was going to make a list of all the things I do and all the things he does. But when it really came down to it...it wasn't who took the trash out or who scrubbed the toilets...although a little help there would be appreciated.
It was the bigger decisions to be made, not the chores to be done.
Which bills to pay first, how much to put away in the 401K, where we will go on vacation, what car to buy, the budget for Christmas, what activities the kids will participate in, what preschool to attend, social calendar and schedule, how to child rear, gifts to purchase, where to take the vehicles for maintenance, what appliances to purchase, who to call to fix said appliances, I could go on here, but I think you get the point.
He is completely capable of making these decisions...I would appreciate it if he would ask my opinion...I would like to defer to him, not be a silent mouse, but I would like for him to make these decisions. I showed him the notebook last night...he is thinking it over, I could tell.
This morning he asked me if this was normal to have to work so hard at communicating...I think what he was really asking was "are we ok?". I reassured him that I think we are great, but that I wanted us to be closer, more connected, and then I said something cheesy:
If you plant flowers in the garden...you have to pull the weeds every so often.
He pulled me in for a hug and kiss and headed off to work. If you were in the same position as I...what did you do to get your husband to take the lead in these decisions? I have tried surrendering first, but at some point he has to pick up the reins, put on the pants, and lead or we are just wandering around with no direction...or I pick them back up and it kinda defeats the purpose.
I will close with a video...love this song (it was in Benny and Joon for you movie buffs). Barney from Barney Married Wilma commented on a post that "with a little faith in each other things will work out". Thanks for reminding me to have a little faith:)
Yes...yes...we went through this. We are STILL going through this in certain ways. For us the financial and the oldest kid was the first subjects that Barney decided to tackle. It was so difficult to just sit there while he 'dealt' with our oldest. NOT that I didn't have a voice, before and after, just not during. I have plenty to say about the finances too, after all I have been the one dealing with them for so long, but again I had to know when to stop.
ReplyDeleteBut like in The Surrendered wife, you have to learn to say when he asks.." Whatever you think". Before I would sigh and say something like " IT's UP TO YOU!" <- yeah...that just sends them scurring away. I don't recommend it.
Think of a wheel turning counter clockwise, now try and make it turn clockwise. Essentially that is what you are doing here. It won't just start turning clockwise without some severe effort. It is then going to be in a stagnant stage for a bit. SLOWLY though it will start to turn in the desired direction, and then it will gain MOMENTUM ...and apparently pick up speed...lol ( I'll let you know about that :) )
Lots of Luck finding a way to cope until you start to see your wheel moving clockwise.
Willie
I need to practice my "Whatever you think" cause now it is coming out with attitude:)
DeleteThanks Willie,
Bea
I am in this same position a bit.. I handle the finances and such, plus the house and kid activities... I need him to take on more, but if he gets lax about it, we are up the creek with no paddle (no pun there!)
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say, other than I'm struggling there too!
I have the same thought though, If they are capable at work, why not at home... it's like a job too.
I think that it is partly my fault. I never insulted him when he offered his help, but I always knew the "right" way to do things...I am working on that. I think because I stay at home he thinks I have all this time to finish everything, but as you know that isn't exactly how things work out...I think he helped more when I was working.
DeleteNice to know that I am not alone, but wish you weren't struggling.
Bea
Have a little faith. I know it's hard. For the next big thing you would like him to take on, give him a week's notice, WHen it comes down to the last day, just ask him what his decision is. The hardest thing is going to be for you not to make one. Remind him that if he hasn't made the decision by the target time the ball will drop. See if that works. If so, you could try it with other things until he is taking on more the decision making process on the things you want to release to his care.
ReplyDeleteThanks sunnygirl...I will try that. I think sometimes it is hard for me to think of something to hand off to him because I am so used to doing it all. I am usually doing it when I think: "oh, I guess I should have asked his opinion on this". I am going to have to actively think about the decisions I make.
DeleteThanks for the link!
ReplyDeleteIt will just take some time, you'll get there, you can sure tell he loves you by asking "are we ok?"
I don't want to offer any suggestions cause there are too many variables at play without knowing either of you, just try and be patient I think he has a lot to digest.
Hope you don't mind...it was just so perfect for how things go at my house with one exception...I then make the decision at the end because he is being so indecisive. And he usually looks relieved. I am having a hard time being patient:)
DeleteBea
I think when you have a young family, there is going to be extra stressors in the home and marriage. Dd can help with some that stuff, but there are so very many opportunities for partners to be worn out and stressed to the hilt, that no matter what marriage philosophy a couple employs things are going to be tough going now and then,
ReplyDeleteI really have no business saying this, but the more you can communicate, the better things will be. I really wish I had told Ian how I felt more often than "taking one for the team". You know, silently steaming, while the machinations of family droned on....
You guys are doing really well, and everywhere I read on here, couples are struggling - it is the holidays.....hang in there Sweetbea - it will be okay.
hugs
lillie
I like Sweetbea:) I wish I was sweet all the time:) LOL! I am usually more on top of things during the holidays, but this year I am trying all this new relational things at the same time...it has me a little off.
DeleteGood luck in communicating Lillie:)
Bea
Warning: Loooong comment!
ReplyDeleteSometimes when it seems we're regressing a bit I'll say, "Honey, we need to make a decision on XYZ. I'd like to tell you my insights before you make a decision." Before I'd say, "Honey, we need to make a decision on XYZ. I think we should do this, this and this and here's why, do you agree with this or no?" Yeah, ugh.
Once in a while now he'll ask me, "Honey, can we do XYZ?" and I'll say with a smile, "Why are you asking me, babe? That's up to you." And he'll grin and say, "We ARE DOING XYZ!" And wink at me.
Many of the things he "asks" me about are silly, like when we're at the grocery store he'll say, "Can we get a ham for dinner on Thursday?" We both know our budget, and he plans our dinners because he's a fabulous cook, so I think it's an old habit from way before me. So in that example, he'll respond by saying, "That's right. I'm the HOH. Honey, we ARE HAVING HAM ON THURSDAY!" ;)
My point is that the smaller things, the fun things, the laughter and deference on my part lead him to be more confident on the larger issues. I need him. I don't want to bear the stress of the final decisions. And he knows that, now. He's sharing the load, and shouldering more of it. And he's seeing the results. I'm less stressed. I'm listening to his opinions and thoughts because he's offering them. He feels smart and capable because he IS - and now he's starting to realize it.
And frankly, I'm not sure I ever gave him a chance - I assumed that I'd have to lead, based on my family of origin and my previous marriage. He assumed the same, based on his previous marriage.
I am so worried about everyone else, about the family being 'okay' and happy, about him being happy, that I run myself into the ground making sure everything is controlled and taken care of and unintentionally preventing him from being an equal partner at the very least. Which means I resent him and he resents me.
That's the primary thing ttwd is starting to change about us. Far less resentment, far more appreciation and respect. You'll get there. We will too. The balance is evening out - sometimes it becomes off-balance again, but I'm noticing that it's equalizing more and more.
Hugs. We'll all support one another together, Bea.
I love your wording!!! That is perfect! Thank you so much for sharing that. I do say it the second way and then get mad when he just chooses what I want...doesn't make sense I know, but there it is:)
DeleteBea
I think what Wilma said is really important. Barney chose a couple things to tackle. Here we gradually handed the decisions from one person to the other till finally most of them fell on him. I actually handle all of our finances and so that stays with me, but now I do ask him questions and get his input before I change something...and he is totally okay with me telling him when to spend and not spend. But even so, I don't feel like I'm in charge...more like this is a responsibility that has been delegated to me.
ReplyDeleteThis hand off probably happens most naturally when the men take the initiative on where they want to lead and it might be frustrtating, b/c it might not be where you would like him to focus. Hopefully in time, he will see how much less stress you feel when he takes a bigger part in decision making and that in and of itself will motivate him to tackle a new one.
LOL, I don't know if I'm making sense. I seriously need more coffee.
I never thought to ask him where he wanted to start to take the lead...sounds really dumb to me now...when I mentioned giving him the finances before, he was like NOoooooo. I think he likes that I do that apparently. When I ask him, he just says do whatever and I wish he would give me his opinion. I vow to ask him where he would like to start:)
DeleteThanks Susie,
Bea
We spend a lot of time tinkering on the natural man, we learn through trial and error, and in my case, there was way too much error, because I am extremely and naturally self-centered. Everyone has great ideas, my wife only wanted good things for us, ever. But the only thing that ever changed me was God, I could resist or overcome any other influence. A paraphrase of the "Abiding" chapter, John 15, is: "I am the Vine, ye are the branches...abide in Me, for without Me, ye can do nothing." This really is the beginning of wisdom, realizing that without Him, I can do nothing. How I wish I had always made God the big thing in my life from the beginning instead of the small thing. Everything else, at best, are just good ideas. God bless.
ReplyDeleteThank you CMM, you know this whole process for me started with a Proverbs 31 bible study that I was doing. I got a clear picture of the woman that I was suppposed to be and realized that I was not being a good wife to my husband. Now, he would argue that I am a great wife...I love him! But we both have some work to do on getting where God wants us to be.
DeleteBea
My wife and I also have a ways to go. I know I have a tendency to project, I apologize if I did that, I can't always tell in the moment.
ReplyDeleteI wish that my wife and I had both sought for ourselves, and each other, more and bigger doses of God. When I had things to change, things that I really really did need to change, my wife confronted me and didn't back down. It was so out of character for her to do that it caused me to imagine all sorts of dire possibilities going on with her. In the end, I made some changes, and I'll never go back to the way I was, but it was a very rough ride. I never thought this could ever, ever happen. As corny as it sounds, my heart was broken.
Instead, I wish she had gotten firm about attending church every Sunday, with or without me, but hoping I would go with her. I wish she had been firm about reading her Bible and praying earnestly every single day, growing as close to God as she could. Then when she confronted me, I would have had the proper context and understanding, spiritual ones, that would kept things in a Godly perspective. As it was, I was pretty sure for a while, a few years, that the baby would be thrown out with the bath water, it was only a matter of time. Although what she wanted was right, it wasn't about God, it was about her, what was right for her. There was and is a big difference between the two for me.
We're doing much better, but I am hoping that our closeness will improve, to be more like it once was. To see that happen, the best thing I can do is what I wish she would have done, to simply draw closer to God, and let that be an influence on her while hopefully not pushing. I've already proven I can't tinker her successfully, not on my own. But I had to find out the hard way, I don't want anyone else to, so I project.
Your situation doesn't sound anything like mine, much milder, no dire possibilities. My wife was a great wife too, I don't doubt that you are too, it's easy to believe.
Every lesson I've learned was the hard way, and some are continuing, all I know for sure is that more and bigger doses of God is always the best answer in every situation, and if I could I would put this stuff in the water, starting with my own. I can't seem to shut my mouth, hopefully the day will come when I'll learn to say it better.