Surrendered New Bea

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Face Time

I think he finally gets it. I just want time...face time...time where we aren't fussing at kids, completing a project, talking about money or kid issues. I want time where we are alone and can just talk...about anything. Time that I have his undivided attention, time that he cares about what I am saying and isn't more interested in the game on television. Time where we can laugh or cry. Time when I can share a problem or listen to one of his. That is what I have been missing for the last few weeks...TIME.

I was very excited because we were supposed to have an awesome date this weekend. Unfortunately, it did not work out the way either of us wanted. The thing is we were having this nice dinner and I was willing to move past the disappointment of our changed plans, but he just couldn't let it go. I told him that I was having a blast and that it didn't matter what we did, but he just kept harping on it. I tried to change the subject, be upbeat, and joke around in a sexy way...he just kept going back to it. I kept thinking that if I thought the words loud enough that he would just LET IT GO.

I was hurt. I tried not to let it bother me, but it felt like because he didn't get to do what he wanted that it wasn't enough just to be with me. And I just snapped. We were on our way back to pick up the kids and I just couldn't listen to it anymore. I would have been fine knowing he was upset, but it was pretty much all he talked about the whole night. After his moody date last weekend, our Valentine's Day and this date...I had just had ENOUGH!

"Was it not enough that we had a nice dinner. I was trying to have fun and I think I would have been able to if you hadn't complained the entire time about how you wish you had been doing something else! How do you think that makes me feel?! I just want the opportunity to be out with you...we wouldn't have to be doing anything! I just want YOU!"

I will say that my voice was quite loud and I wasn't proud of totally losing my temper, but he got very quiet and then replied, "I ruined it didn't I, because I just couldn't let it go." I wish that I had been able to explain it without hurting his feelings. But, HE GETS IT.

So, Sunday night after the kids got to bed we had:

face time

uninterrupted time

paying attention to only each other time

and we laughed

and we showed our love for each other

not in our words

but with our actions

we listened

we joked

we talked

we laughed

we planned

we had amazing CONNECTED sex

and it was EXACTLY what we needed

and he gets it

he understands that I just want TIME...FACE TIME with him

Because I LOVE HIM

and I don't care what we do

we could just sit at home like we did Sunday

curled up on the couch TOGETHER.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Notebook...take two

A while ago I tried to write in a notebook to help bridge a communication gap between Levi and myself. You can read about it here. Levi never wrote back in the notebook. He thanked me for the letter, asked if we were ok, but that was about it. So after a lackluster Valentine's day...I was looking forward to a little of this:

and instead got this:

I thought it might be time for take two of the notebook...we shall see if it works this time.

Dear Levi,

Thank you so much for the beautiful flowers! I thought we weren't getting each other anything...sneaky, you are! I hope you aren't upset that I didn't get you anything. I know you have been so tired lately and wondered if there is something I haven't done that I can do for you. I want to thank you for working so hard for us. I am so proud of your sacrifice and how well you are doing. I know this is hard and it is temporary, but I am looking forward to having you home more. I miss you. I don't want you to feel badly, I just don't want you to think we aren't missing you.

I know I have been trying to lose weight for a while and it has been a bit slow going. I want to be healthy and look my best for you. Thank you for your encouragement.

I am sorry if I have been a bit frustrated lately, but I am having trouble "being in charge" all week and then remembering to defer to you on the weekends. I really do like when you take charge. I am glad that you listen to my opinion, but I am happy that you make the decision even if I don't like the decision.

I wonder though sometimes if you would rather just go back to the way things were. You seem so distant and I can't seem to reach you. I hope that you will let me know what I can do to help us connect.

Love, Bea

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Sexy or Not Sexy?

I was going to write something serious for Valentine's Day...maybe a love letter or something, but decided I would do something fun instead of forcing you all to listen to my sap. So here are my views on sexiness:) Sorry this is out so late...had a hot lunch date with Levi and my baby girl:)

Sexy Not Sexy

I get very hot and bothered when Levi helps me around the house (in a good way)...don't get me wrong...he has to have relaxing time too...but if he did it all the time...we would have issues.

Sexy Not Sexy

Ok...so I may be alone on this one, but I feel like unless you live in Rio that you should where trunks not speedos...they just look like you are running around in your underwear.

Sexy Not Sexy

This is my favorite outfit that Levi wears...the jeans and no shirt...not the elephant...if he wore that I don't think I could ever look at him the same again. LOL!

Sexy Not Sexy

Everything in moderation

Sexy Not Sexy

Again...everything in moderation

Sexy Sexier

Men at play is hot...men at play with their kids is hotter:)

Sexy Not Sexy

I appreciate a little hair...it is manly, mountain man is a whole other story.

Sexy Sexy Not Sexy

I am learning that I feel better if I wear sexy nightwear...I am still all about comfort, but I make sure that I don't look frumpy...and for Levi...I don't need anything crazy...what can I say...I like plaid boxers:)

Sexy Not Sexy

A few other things I find sexy:

The sexy smirk...Levi's is hotter, but you get the point.

Sexy eyebrow raise...again Levi's is hotter, but something about knowing I might be in a little trouble...kind of hot:)

Something about "manly" chores (I know this sounds sexist...I once changed an alternator on my own...but traditionally men work on cars)...working on cars, mowing the lawn, fixing the roof...just yum:)

Well, hope you enjoyed my sexy post...I am sure that I am missing some, but if I want this post to actually be a Valentine's Day post then I need to hurry up and post it:) What do you find sexy or not sexy?

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

What You Say?

Do you ever wonder why you aren't on the same page?

How often has the woman in your life said..."It's not what you say, but how you say it."?

How often has the man in your life said..."Say what you mean, and mean what you say."?

I am coming to realize that it is no wonder we can't seem to communicate with each other. I am learning that when women communicate that we hear more than the words. We hear the tone, we see the body language, and those things come before the words are spoken. We assume intent. Those assumptions can be wrong...especially when they are coming from our men. Which is why we can communicate so much better with women. If there is anything negative in the nonverbal cues...then we will assume the intent is negative and aimed at us. It could be that they just had a bad day and have nothing to do with us. It makes us more intuitive...why we can tell that our friend is having a bad day, but it also causes issues with spousal communication.

Men hear the words and then react. At least in my experience. If they notice the tone or body language it is one at a time and after their reaction, which is why so many men find themselves halfway into an argument without having any clue how they got there. How often do you hear: "That is not what I meant...you are twisting my words around." from your man? It often wasn't the words that we were reacting negatively and defensively too, but our assumptions about the feeling behind them. The men in our life are dumbfounded and trying to figure out what the heck they said wrong.

I am getting examples of this with blogging. When someone comments, you almost have to react to the words alone first....there is unfortunately no sarcasm font. What is funny, as a woman, I am still looking at intent...trying to picture how they meant something and if they meant it in the way I initially took it, who is saying it and previous comments that they made are in the back of my mind. I am assuming...see assuming over here, that men just take it at face value.

I think this makes me worry less about the words I am using and more about the other nuances in communication...facial expression, body language, tone of voice, whether or not the person is paying attention (ie facing me, busy doing something else, etc.). But when speaking to my husband I need to be focusing on the words I choose to use. Obviously he will react to my tone too if I am speaking in a witchy way, but I skip right over the words sometimes.

As I come to understand Levi and men more, I realize that some of the words I choose to use can be misconstrued quite easily as disrespectful. I don't even mean them in that way... a bit of incidental disrespectfulness.

Here is an example:

Levi sometimes has to teach some continuing education classes at work...today the big boss was going to be in the audience. He was a little nervous this morning...after another "connection" (I think we are trying to break some kind of record-I have told you that I am not a morning person...have I not?), he ran off to work and I could tell that it was weighing heavily on his mind. I decided to send him a you can do it kind of text, just so he would know I was thinking of him.

I grab my phone and begin to type:
Good Luck today on your....

Well, maybe I shouldn't write good luck...luck has nothing to do with it...he knows what he is talking about and I want him to be confident...

Okay, Try again:
I hope that your....

Well, shit...that sounds like I am unsure of him...not very supportive.

Third time is a charm:
Have a great meeting! You got this!

There...that is better. What is funny is that if I had said it either of the other ways to a woman, we would have guessed the intent (based on the previous experience with the person) and not been offended. Now, I don't know for sure that Levi would be offended, but he often says: say what you mean and mean what you say. I need to be on the lookout for these things that I say and words that I choose to make sure that I am always lifting him up and not making him wonder how I really feel.

Monday, February 11, 2013

TGIM

Thank God It's Monday!! If you make it through this entire post I will give you an award. It might be kind of long. It might not make sense. But I need to put this weekend behind me, so I can focus on the week ahead.

Input

Levi actually gave me some priorities when it comes to the ridiculous number of projects that we have to accomplish in the coming months around the house. I think I have said before, but want to clarify, that I don't need a daily list. In fact, that would probably just piss me off. But, I get irritated when I am the one who makes all the decisions without some sort of input. I decide what bills to pay and how much, what things to get at the store, every meal planned, decisions with the kids, in charge of the social calendar etc. I need input. If I don't get input then I feel resentful, exhausted, unappreciated, disconnected, etc. Levi was going to have to work late Friday and go back to work Saturday until the afternoon. I had to ask, but he did give me some input on what to start with. He said, "I think you should finish the office...we have made great progress in there."

Shredding Therapy...(cheaper than real therapy)

So Saturday morning saw me making friends with our shredder. No, this is not my office, but I did fill a lawn and leaf bag full of shredded crap! We were trying to get down to one file cabinet. Things I learned while shredding:
-Shredding is therapeutic.
-Levi knew that it would make me feel better (he said later that he knew I would feel better and that is why he told me to do that...wow, maybe he does know me)
-You really shouldn't wait so long in between shredding therapy. (Do you really need that EOB from 2003?)
-Shredding made me very happy that we have gone mostly paperless.
-While you are shredding, chatting on gmail, and jamming to music...if your children get very quiet, you should probably worry that they have taken every toy out of the toy box, built a fort with them, pulled every blanket off their beds, and put the dog in the toy box.

Decisions, Decisions?

Actually, they weren't really tough at all, but I just couldn't make them. I had to run a couple of errands in the afternoon and Levi understandably wanted to hang at home after working all day so he took the kids outside and grabbed a beer. The errands were much faster without little or big helpers anyway, but then I couldn't reach them to ask what they wanted for dinner. When I got home, I realized why and was pleased to see Levi playing with the kids outside. But then I ran out of steam and just couldn't decide what to get for dinner. And apparently, that was too much of a decision for Levi to make either. Well, I got stubborn...I was not making this decision. I told him that when he decided what he wanted, to let me know. Two hours later...I am starving and the kids are starting to ask. Levi is getting upset because I won't decide what is for dinner and I am getting upset that he won't tell me what he wants for dinner. Seriously? What is wrong with us? He finally stormed out of the house and picked up drive thru. Then he gets me the wrong thing...accident or passive aggressive bullshit? I would have gotten it if he had just told me what he wanted. Ugh.

Hot Date, NOT!

My parents offered to babysit on Sunday and since we won't be seeing each other Thursday night until late we thought it would be our little Valentine's excursion. Levi decided that we would go out to eat and use our gift cards for some much needed clothing items. Sounds great, right? Except Levi is having major allergy issues and a headache. I tell him that we can just head home and do this another time. Nope, he wants to stay out...except he doesn't really want to talk, move, and can't stop sneezing. He is in a mood the entire time and I am trying to be Ms. Cheerful girl. I am having a great time...no really I am...I'm serious...fake smile? what fake smile? I felt like he did not want to be with me...I realize that he did not feel good, but I am just telling you how it felt when I kept trying, really hard, to have a good time for the both of us.

Breakdown in Frozen Foods: Emotional Wreck on Aisle 3

So on the way home from our date...Levi stays in the car with the sleepy three year old while I take the big boys in to choose their Valentine's and pick up dinner (yes, I realize I need to go grocery shopping). He tells me to get whatever I would like. I wanted to pick up something kind of special for us since our date was not all that great. I was still fake smile happy girl. Until the only Valentine's left were Batman (apparently my boys are too old for Batman) and My Little Pony. Ok, no Valentine's...on to dinner. I walked around the meat department, the deli department, and finally thought maybe I would find something in the frozen foods department. The boys were whining and I still had no idea what to get...I had chosen a bottle of wine, a vegetable, and something for the kids. I could not for the life of me decide what in the hell to get for dinner. So I am standing in the frozen food aisle and just lost it. I started crying right there in frozen foods...quietly, thank God...but my boys were suddenly very concerned. "Mom?, Are we being bad?" "No sweetheart...Mommy just doesn't know what to get for dinner." They looked at each other...looked back at me...poor dears were at a total loss...I grabbed something out of the nearest door, paid, and left. Did I seriously just have a breakdown in frozen foods?

And Just when you thought things couldn't get worse

We put a movie on for the kids and ate our dinner together. We had a great talk...finally. I had asked several blogger friends for help on how to cope with this back and forth Captain/First Officer stuff. I basically have to be Captain during the week, but need him to be the Captain on the weekends and I am having a hard time transitioning. I also asked for advice on how disconnected we are all week. We talked about texts or quick calls during the day, we talked about something that I can do to be in a submissive frame of mind when he gets home and on weekends...it was an amazing talk. Until...Levi gets a phone call that someone in his family needs a serious surgery...and then I get a phone call. I am standing in the bedroom with tears streaming down my face...the kids are getting ready for bed. Levi comes to the doorway, sees that I am upset and instead of asking what is wrong...gets frustrated, mumbles something and smacks the wall on his way out to deal with the kids. What I had found out was that a family member of mine is terminally ill. I really wish that he had reacted differently...I needed him to react differently and then I got angry. I had been looking forward to some couple time after the kids went to bed...that was not going to happen. He apologized...we were able to talk a bit and then we went to bed. I was still angry and hurt and upset for my family.

Maybe Monday?

Our conversation at 5:00 am: (Levi in italics)

I am going to let you sleep a little...but we are going to "connect" this morning. (""Not exactly what he said, but you get the point)

(Conversation occurring in my head...this is what you wanted all weekend...it's been a week and a half...you know you want to...but I AM PISSED)

Noncommittal grunt (all I could manage)

He goes off to get semi-ready for work.

I stew and realize that I want it, but I don't want to want it. (My Lord...I sound like a three year old)

Levi comes back to bed...I have my back to him.

Look at me.

I am still mad at you.

I know. I'm sorry. Now kiss me.

I don't know if I want to. I wanted us to have something special this weekend. I didn't want a quickie. It has been a while.

I know. We have time...now kiss me.

I rolled over. And didn't regret it. I hope that this wonderful beginning is a prelude to a lovely week. I need a lovely week.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Passing Ships and Pecking Chickens

"Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,

Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;

So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another,

Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Ivan Aivazovsky

I think that I have figured out what is wrong with me. No smart ass comments necessary. I realize I left myself open there. I think that the reason I am feeling unloved or unappreciated is because we are but passing ships. This week has been rather busy. We have slept next to each other every night and for that I am grateful, but that is about it. I also know that my love language (From The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) is acts of service followed closely by quality time...not getting much around here of either. Before you chastise me for not thinking of poor Levi...I am. I know that he is working hard for us and I know that he doesn't like the drive either...I also know that his love language of physical touch followed closely by words of affirmation is probably not getting met either.

We don't even kiss anymore...we are like chickens going after the same speck of feed...peck, peck...peck. I kiss my family that way...not exactly the sort of kisses that I would like to share with my husband. I realize that this is two hens kissing...no offense meant to lesbian chickens.

Kid activity...you take these two...I take this one...peck, nice dinner...pass out...no peck, kid activity...you take these two, I take this one...peck, finish the taxes...finish your homework...I take bedtime duty...peck, work activity...no peck. Due to work activities, kid activities, homework, taxes, normal kid crap, etc., we have eaten together...once.

Once.

I know, I know...I should feel lucky that we even get to see each other at all. I should be happy that he has a job. I know this will go by fast...but let me wallow a moment in the fact that we are only a month in and this sucks.

It has been a week since we have had any "adult time"...oh, I tried. The night we actually got to eat dinner together...I flirted, we had awesome conversation...we got the kids to bed, I went to get ready for bed and Levi was passed out. Cold. Ugh. And before you think that I took forever getting ready...I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth.

Due to stuff we have this weekend that cannot be changed we probably won't see each other until Saturday night. And we don't talk on the phone during the day...he is very busy and also has a hard time when he is at work thinking of anything but work.

He's tired...I get it...so am I. The resentment is starting to build. I do everything at home. He doesn't even take his plate to the sink anymore or take the trash out and we hired a yard guy. My middle child called him a girl the other day for wiping the toilet before the Superbowl visitors arrived. To coin a southern phrase: "Oh Hell No!" He huffs and puffs at the kids and me like a dragon with a temper. Not living in the land of Honalee around here..no sir.

Mountains battling in The Hobbit

So this morning, he tries to wake me up at 5:00 am for a little attention. I want you to close your eyes and think of someone you know that is not a morning person...ok...now, multiply that person by two and you might get some idea of how NOT a morning person I am. I also took allergy medicine last night which means it was probably worse. Let's just say that I wasn't very receptive and he gave up. Now I have the Mt. Everest of guilt I am carrying around for basically saying no battling right next to the Mt. Resentment of "What about me?".

Finding an area to live has not been an easy chore either. I drove around in the area that we thought that we might like and it was just strange...driving down one street there is a gated community on one side, a trailer park on the other and in front of you is a field of cows. Seriously! Is there not a happy medium!? I can't afford a gated community, would like a little more room than a trailer, and cows...well, that's not my thing. (no offense intended if you live in a 4,000 square foot house behind a fence, a trailer, or with cows...cows are cool...to visit...at the farm...not a farm girl here)

My middle child's favorite thing to do at the moment is whine, and it is so annoying...and here I am doing it...sorry, and thanks for listening...I feel better now.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Sexy Face

I have learned that men are very visual. Not just that they appreciate a beautiful woman, although they do, but that they have almost a photographic memory when it comes to images, especially sexy ones. I want to be the image my husband dreams of and gets hot over. I am working to improve myself, for him and me, and have goals that I have shared with you before in regards to losing weight in the post Ustacould.

I was thinking a lot about being sexy. Now, being sexy is different to different people so I am specifically talking about what my husband finds sexy. Sometimes what he finds sexy, I just shake my head at in wonder.

One of the things that my husband finds sexy is when I shave my legs. As a stay at home mom of three kids, I don't get much alone time. They even follow me to the bathroom, so often my alone time is in the shower. So, unfortunately, when my husband comes to take a peek I am not always receptive...especially when he lets all the cold air in and I can feel the hair on my legs growing back. So his view is typically something like this: