Notebook...take two

A while ago I tried to write in a notebook to help bridge a communication gap between Levi and myself.  You can read about it here.  Levi never wrote back in the notebook.  He thanked me for the letter, asked if we were ok, but that was about it.  So after a lackluster Valentine's day...I was looking forward to a little of this:

 

and instead got this:

 

I thought it might be time for take two of the notebook...we shall see if it works this time. 

 

Dear Levi,

Thank you so much for the beautiful flowers!  I thought we weren't getting each other anything...sneaky, you are! I hope you aren't upset that I didn't get you anything.  I know you have been so tired lately and wondered if there is something I haven't done that I can do for you.  I want to thank you for working so hard for us.  I am so proud of your sacrifice and how well you are doing.  I know this is hard and it is temporary, but I am looking forward to having you home more.  I miss you.  I don't want you to feel badly, I just don't want you to think we aren't missing you.

I know I have been trying to lose weight for a while and it has been a bit slow going.  I want to be healthy and look my best for you.  Thank you for your encouragement.

I am sorry if I have been a bit frustrated lately, but I am having trouble "being in charge" all week and then remembering to defer to you on the weekends.  I really do like when you take charge.  I am glad that you listen to my opinion, but I am happy that you make the decision even if I don't like the decision.

I wonder though sometimes if you would rather just go back to the way things were.  You seem so distant and I can't seem to reach you.  I hope that you will let me know what I can do to help us connect.

Love, Bea

Sexy or Not Sexy?

I was going to write something serious for Valentine's Day...maybe a love letter or something, but decided I would do something fun instead of forcing you all to listen to my sap.  So here are my views on sexiness:)  Sorry this is out so late...had a hot lunch date with Levi and my baby girl:)

                                       
                 Sexy                                                                    Not Sexy

 

I get very hot and bothered when Levi helps me around the house (in a good way)...don't get me wrong...he has to have relaxing time too...but if he did it all the time...we would have issues.



                                      
         Sexy                                                                      Not Sexy

 

Ok...so I may be alone on this one, but I feel like unless you live in Rio that you should where trunks not speedos...they just look like you are running around in your underwear.

 

 

 



                                                
Sexy                                                                              Not Sexy

 

This is my favorite outfit that Levi wears...the jeans and no shirt...not the elephant...if he wore that I don't think I could ever look at him the same again.  LOL!

 

 

 



                       
                          Sexy                                                             Not Sexy

Everything in moderation

 

 

                                          

Sexy                                                                          Not Sexy

 

Again...everything in moderation

 

 

 



                      
                   Sexy                                                                  Sexier

Men at play is hot...men at play with their kids is hotter:)

 

 

 



                              
                          Sexy                                                  Not Sexy

I appreciate a little hair...it is manly, mountain man is a whole other story.

 

 

 

            

                  Sexy                               Sexy                             Not Sexy

 

I am learning that I feel better if I wear sexy nightwear...I am still all about comfort, but I make sure that I don't look frumpy...and for Levi...I don't need anything crazy...what can I say...I like plaid boxers:)

 

            

         Sexy                                                                    Not Sexy

 

 



A few other things I find sexy:

 

The sexy smirk...Levi's is hotter, but you get the point.

 

 Sexy eyebrow raise...again Levi's is hotter, but something about knowing I might be in a little trouble...kind of hot:)

 

Something about "manly" chores (I know this sounds sexist...I once changed an alternator on my own...but traditionally men work on cars)...working on cars, mowing the lawn, fixing the roof...just yum:)

 

Well, hope you enjoyed my sexy post...I am sure that I am missing some, but if I want this post to actually be a Valentine's Day post then I need to hurry up and post it:)  What do you find sexy or not sexy?

 



What You Say?

Do you ever wonder why you aren't on the same page?

 

 

How often has the woman in your life said..."It's not what you say, but how you say it."?

How often has the man in your life said..."Say what you mean, and mean what you say."?

I am coming to realize that it is no wonder we can't seem to communicate with each other.  I am learning that when women communicate that we hear more than the words.  We hear the tone, we see the body language, and those things come before the words are spoken.  We assume intent.  Those assumptions can be wrong...especially when they are coming from our men.  Which is why we can communicate so much better with women.  If there is anything negative in the nonverbal cues...then we will assume the intent is negative and aimed at us.  It could be that they just had a bad day and have nothing to do with us.  It makes us more intuitive...why we can tell that our friend is having a bad day, but it also causes issues with spousal communication.
 

 

Men hear the words and then react.  At least in my experience.  If they notice the tone or body language it is one at a time and after their reaction, which is why so many men find themselves halfway into an argument without having any clue how they got there.  How often do you hear: "That is not what I meant...you are twisting my words around." from your man?  It often wasn't the words that we were reacting negatively and defensively too, but our assumptions about the feeling behind them.  The men in our life are dumbfounded and trying to figure out what the heck they said wrong.

I am getting examples of this with blogging.  When someone comments, you almost have to react to the words alone first....there is unfortunately no sarcasm font.  What is funny, as a woman, I am still looking at intent...trying to picture how they meant something and if they meant it in the way I initially took it, who is saying it and previous comments that they made are in the back of my mind.  I am assuming...see assuming over here, that men just take it at face value.

I think this makes me worry less about the words I am using and more about the other nuances in communication...facial expression, body language, tone of voice, whether or not the person is paying attention (ie facing me, busy doing something else, etc.).  But when speaking to my husband I need to be focusing on the words I choose to use.  Obviously he will react to my tone too if I am speaking in a witchy way, but I skip right over the words sometimes.

As I come to understand Levi and men more, I realize that some of the words I choose to use can be misconstrued quite easily as disrespectful.  I don't even mean them in that way... a bit of incidental disrespectfulness.

Here is an example:

Levi sometimes has to teach some continuing education classes at work...today the big boss was going to be in the audience.  He was a little nervous this morning...after another "connection" (I think we are trying to break some kind of record-I have told you that I am not a morning person...have I not?), he ran off to work and I could tell that it was weighing heavily on his mind.  I decided to send him a you can do it kind of text, just so he would know I was thinking of him.

I grab my phone and begin to type:
Good Luck today on your....

Well, maybe I shouldn't write good luck...luck has nothing to do with it...he knows what he is talking about and I want him to be confident...

Okay, Try again:
I hope that your....

Well, shit...that sounds like I am unsure of him...not very supportive.

Third time is a charm:
Have a great meeting!  You got this!

There...that is better.  What is funny is that if I had said it either of the other ways to a woman, we would have guessed the intent (based on the previous experience with the person) and not been offended.  Now, I don't know for sure that Levi would be offended, but he often says: say what you mean and mean what you say.  I need to be on the lookout for these things that I say and words that I choose to make sure that I am always lifting him up and not making him wonder how I really feel.

TGIM

Thank God It's Monday!!  If you make it through this entire post I will give you an award.  It might be kind of long.  It might not make sense.  But I need to put this weekend behind me, so I can focus on the week ahead.

 

Input

 

 

Levi actually gave me some priorities when it comes to the ridiculous number of projects that we have to accomplish in the coming months around the house.  I think I have said before, but want to clarify, that I don't need a daily list.  In fact, that would probably just piss me off.  But, I get irritated when I am the one who makes all the decisions without some sort of input.  I decide what bills to pay and how much, what things to get at the store, every meal planned, decisions with the kids, in charge of the social calendar etc.  I need input.  If I don't get input then I feel resentful, exhausted, unappreciated,  disconnected, etc.  Levi was going to have to work late Friday and go back to work Saturday until the afternoon.  I had to ask, but he did give me some input on what to start with.  He said, "I think you should finish the office...we have made great progress in there."

Shredding Therapy...(cheaper than real therapy)

So Saturday morning saw me making friends with our shredder.  No, this is not my office, but I did fill a lawn and leaf bag full of shredded crap!  We were trying to get down to one file cabinet.  Things I learned while shredding:
-Shredding is therapeutic.
-Levi knew that it would make me feel better (he said later that he knew I would feel better and that is why he told me to do that...wow, maybe he does know me)
-You really shouldn't wait so long in between shredding therapy. (Do you really need that EOB from 2003?)
-Shredding made me very happy that we have gone mostly paperless.
-While you are shredding, chatting on gmail, and jamming to music...if your children get very quiet, you should probably worry that they have taken every toy out of the toy box, built a fort with them, pulled every blanket off their beds, and put the dog in the toy box.

Decisions, Decisions?

 

 

Actually, they weren't really tough at all, but I just couldn't make them.  I had to run a couple of errands in the afternoon and Levi understandably wanted to hang at home after working all day so he took the kids outside and grabbed a beer.  The errands were much faster without little or big helpers anyway, but then I couldn't reach them to ask what they wanted for dinner.  When I got home, I realized why and was pleased to see Levi playing with the kids outside.  But then I ran out of steam and just couldn't decide what to get for dinner.  And apparently, that was too much of a decision for Levi to make either.  Well, I got stubborn...I was not making this decision.  I told him that when he decided what he wanted, to let me know.  Two hours later...I am starving and the kids are starting to ask.  Levi is getting upset because I won't decide what is for dinner and I am getting upset that he won't tell me what he wants for dinner.  Seriously?  What is wrong with us?  He finally stormed out of the house and picked up drive thru.  Then he gets me the wrong thing...accident or passive aggressive bullshit?  I would have gotten it if he had just told me what he wanted.  Ugh.

 

Hot Date, NOT!

 

 

My parents offered to babysit on Sunday and since we won't be seeing each other Thursday night until late we thought it would be our little Valentine's excursion.  Levi decided that we would go out to eat and use our gift cards for some much needed clothing items.  Sounds great, right?  Except Levi is having major allergy issues and a headache.  I tell him that we can just head home and do this another time.  Nope, he wants to stay out...except he doesn't really want to talk, move, and can't stop sneezing.  He is in a mood the entire time and I am trying to be Ms. Cheerful girl.  I am having a great time...no really I am...I'm serious...fake smile?  what fake smile?  I felt like he did not want to be with me...I realize that he did not feel good, but I am just telling you how it felt when I kept trying, really hard, to have a good time for the both of us.

 

 

Breakdown in Frozen Foods: Emotional Wreck on Aisle 3

 

 



 

So on the way home from our date...Levi stays in the car with the sleepy three year old while I take the big boys in to choose their Valentine's and pick up dinner (yes, I realize I need to go grocery shopping).  He tells me to get whatever I would like.  I wanted to pick up something kind of special for us since our date was not all that great.  I was still fake smile happy girl.  Until the only Valentine's left were Batman (apparently my boys are too old for Batman) and My Little Pony.  Ok, no Valentine's...on to dinner.  I walked around the meat department, the deli department, and finally thought maybe I would find something in the frozen foods department.  The boys were whining and I still had no idea what to get...I had chosen a bottle of wine, a vegetable, and something for the kids.  I could not for the life of me decide what in the hell to get for dinner.  So I am standing in the frozen food aisle and just lost it.  I started crying right there in frozen foods...quietly, thank God...but my boys were suddenly very concerned.  "Mom?, Are we being bad?"  "No sweetheart...Mommy just doesn't know what to get for dinner."  They looked at each other...looked back at me...poor dears were at a total loss...I grabbed something out of the nearest door, paid, and left.  Did I seriously just have a breakdown in frozen foods?

 

And Just when you thought things couldn't get worse

 

We put a movie on for the kids and ate our dinner together.  We had a great talk...finally.  I had asked several blogger friends for help on how to cope with this back and forth Captain/First Officer stuff.  I basically have to be Captain during the week, but need him to be the Captain on the weekends and I am having a hard time transitioning.  I also asked for advice on how disconnected we are all week.  We talked about texts or quick calls during the day, we talked about something that I can do to be in a submissive frame of mind when he gets home and on weekends...it was an amazing talk.  Until...Levi gets a phone call that someone in his family needs a serious surgery...and then I get a phone call.  I am standing in the bedroom with tears streaming down my face...the kids are getting ready for bed.  Levi comes to the doorway, sees that I am upset and instead of asking what is wrong...gets frustrated, mumbles something and smacks the wall on his way out to deal with the kids.  What I had found out was that a family member of mine is terminally ill.  I really wish that he had reacted differently...I needed him to react differently and then I got angry.  I had been looking forward to some couple time after the kids went to bed...that was not going to happen.  He apologized...we were able to talk a bit and then we went to bed.  I was still angry and hurt and upset for my family. 

 

Maybe Monday?

 

Our conversation at 5:00 am: (Levi in italics)

 

I am going to let you sleep a little...but we are going to "connect" this morning. (""Not exactly what he said, but you get the point)

 

(Conversation occurring in my head...this is what you wanted all weekend...it's been a week and a half...you know you want to...but I AM PISSED)

 

Noncommittal grunt (all I could manage)

 

He goes off to get semi-ready for work.

 

I stew and realize that I want it, but I don't want to want it.  (My Lord...I sound like a three year old)

 

Levi comes back to bed...I have my back to him.

 

Look at me.

 

I am still mad at you.

 

I know.  I'm sorry.  Now kiss me.

 

I don't know if I want to.  I wanted us to have something special this weekend.  I didn't want a quickie.  It has been a while.

 

I know.  We have time...now kiss me.

 

I rolled over.  And didn't regret it.  I hope that this wonderful beginning is a prelude to a lovely week.  I need a lovely week.

Passing Ships and Pecking Chickens

"Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,

Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;

So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another,

Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Ivan Aivazovsky

 

I think that I have figured out what is wrong with me.  No smart ass comments necessary.  I realize I left myself open there.  I think that the reason I am feeling unloved or unappreciated is because we are but passing ships.  This week has been rather busy.  We have slept next to each other every night and for that I am grateful, but that is about it.  I also know that my love language (From The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) is acts of service followed closely by quality time...not getting much around here of either.  Before you chastise me for not thinking of poor Levi...I am.  I know that he is working hard for us and I know that he doesn't like the drive either...I also know that his love language of physical touch followed closely by words of affirmation is probably not getting met either.

 

 





We don't even kiss anymore...we are like chickens going after the same speck of feed...peck, peck...peck.  I kiss my family that way...not exactly the sort of kisses that I would like to share with my husband.  I realize that this is two hens kissing...no offense meant to lesbian chickens.

 

Kid activity...you take these two...I take this one...peck, nice dinner...pass out...no peck, kid activity...you take these two, I take this one...peck, finish the taxes...finish your homework...I take bedtime duty...peck, work activity...no peck.  Due to work activities, kid activities, homework, taxes, normal kid crap, etc., we have eaten together...once.

 

Once.

 

I know, I know...I should feel lucky that we even get to see each other at all.  I should be happy that he has a job.  I know this will go by fast...but let me wallow a moment in the fact that we are only a month in and this sucks.

 

It has been a week since we have had any "adult time"...oh, I tried.  The night we actually got to eat dinner together...I flirted, we had awesome conversation...we got the kids to bed, I went to get ready for bed and Levi was passed out.  Cold.  Ugh.  And before you think that I took forever getting ready...I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth.

 

Due to stuff we have this weekend that cannot be changed we probably won't see each other until Saturday night.  And we don't talk on the phone during the day...he is very busy and also has a hard time when he is at work thinking of anything but work.

 

He's tired...I get it...so am I.  The resentment is starting to build.  I do everything at home.  He doesn't even take his plate to the sink anymore or take the trash out and we hired a yard guy.  My middle child called him a girl the other day for wiping the toilet before the Superbowl visitors arrived.  To coin a southern phrase: "Oh Hell No!"  He huffs and puffs at the kids and me like a dragon with a temper.  Not living in the land of Honalee around here..no sir. 

 

 

Mountains battling in The Hobbit

 

So this morning, he tries to wake me up at 5:00 am for a little attention.  I want you to close your eyes and think of someone you know that is not a morning person...ok...now, multiply that person by two and you might get some idea of how NOT a morning person I am.  I also took allergy medicine last night which means it was probably worse.  Let's just say that I wasn't very receptive and he gave up.  Now I have the Mt. Everest of guilt I am carrying around for basically saying no battling right next to the Mt. Resentment of "What about me?".

 

 

 

   +  +

 =

 

Finding an area to live has not been an easy chore either.  I drove around in the area that we thought that we might like and it was just strange...driving down one street there is a gated community on one side, a trailer park on the other and in front of you is a field of cows.  Seriously! Is there not a happy medium!?  I can't afford a gated community, would like a little more room than a trailer, and cows...well, that's not my thing.  (no offense intended if you live in a 4,000 square foot house behind a fence, a trailer, or with cows...cows are cool...to visit...at the farm...not a farm girl here)

 

My middle child's favorite thing to do at the moment is whine, and it is so annoying...and here I am doing it...sorry, and thanks for listening...I feel better now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



                                               

Sexy Face

I have learned that men are very visual.  Not just that they appreciate a beautiful woman, although they do, but that they have almost a photographic memory when it comes to images, especially sexy ones.  I want to be the image my husband dreams of and gets hot over.  I am working to improve myself, for him and me, and have goals that I have shared with you before in regards to losing weight in the post Ustacould.

I was thinking a lot about being sexy.  Now, being sexy is different to different people so I am specifically talking about what my husband finds sexy.  Sometimes what he finds sexy, I just shake my head at in wonder.

One of the things that my husband finds sexy is when I shave my legs.  As a stay at home mom of three kids, I don't get much alone time.  They even follow me to the bathroom, so often my alone time is in the shower.  So, unfortunately, when my husband comes to take a peek I am not always receptive...especially when he lets all the cold air in and I can feel the hair on my legs growing back.  So his view is typically something like this:

 

This probably isn't the image that will bring up hot thoughts in Levi's brain.  So, I am working on my sexy looks:)  Here is what I am aiming for:

 

 

She actually still doesn't look too thrilled, does she? (she also doesn't look like she is actually shaving either)...

 

But this one: 

 

 

This is the look I need to go for!  That is a good smirk right there.

 

 

And I should work on my sexy librarian look:

 

 

Good Lord...not that!  How about this:

 

 

And the Titanic look:

 

 

 

No, no, no...not that one.  This one:

 

And he has some weird obsession with me stretching:

 

 

I don't get it, but I suppose I should make sure I look hot when I am doing it.

 

So go practice your sexy face and give your spouse something to imagine:)  What are some things that your spouse finds sexy?

 

 

 

Yeah, uh, keep practicing:)

 

Get Smart

I have been having a rough week with surrendering.  I am still deferring outwardly, but inside I am fortifying and hiding.  I feel like it is what I have to do to survive these long hours and it really isn't fair to Levi.  I don't know what to do about it right now so as I hide out in my secret hide out phone booth, I haven't stopped trying to educate myself on improving our relationship, but he just isn't with me right now.  We still "got together" four times this week, I am still trying to make sure that his time at home is a retreat from the big, bad world, but I am not feeling loved.  That is pretty much it in a nutshell. I don't feel like he has the energy to fulfill my needs and I am slipping.

People may wonder why I am trying so hard and working so hard to "Get Smart" about my marriage.  So here are just a few reasons: 1. This is my job...I am a wife, mother, and home manager...I don't have another job right now so I should be doing my best at it.  2.  I want my children to have the best example possible.  3.  I want Levi and I, even when the kids are gone, to have an awesome, amazing, wonderful marriage and not be looking at each other saying..."Well, now what?".  So here are a few book reviews and some things that I have been reading lately.

I know that you all know that I have read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.  When she describes her previous behavior, I could swear she was talking about me...kinda makes a girl paranoid...looking for the hidden cameras and microphones around here...This book has helped me a lot.  I won't get into it too much because I already write about it often.

I have also read the Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay.  You will get a mixed review here with this one.  Did I read it all? Yes.  Did it have good points? Yes.  Would I recommend it to a friend?  Mmmmm...depends.  Firstly, he is not Christian and although that doesn't mean that I don't value his opinion, it will mean that some of his assumptions will not align with my beliefs.  There are some things he suggests that I feel could damage marriage.  I won't get into that too much here, unless you are curious and want to email me, as they are my opinions.  The good stuff:  he has a lot in his book on biology...such as increasing your spouses sex drive, genius stuff on a woman's cycle and what we need during different parts of the month, and also the fact that whether we know it or not, we women need some alpha male stuff strutting around the house as well as beta love and attention.

My most recent reads:  For Women Only: What you Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn.  Eye opening stuff in here about the way our men think.  Her and her husband, Jeff Feldhahn, have a companion book: For Men Only: A Straight Forward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women.  Of course I read both...had to make sure that they were telling the truth about us right?  :)Both were quick, easy reads and used results of national surveys.  I love statistics...I made an A in my college statistics class...and I hate math.  But statistics, I get.  They write both books from a Christian perspective but could be enjoyed and interpreted by anyone.  It's not heavy on the bible for you that would be turned off by that.  One of the biggest shockers for me:  Most men (74%) would rather be alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected.  Really?  That is totally opposite as most women by the way.  So what does this mean...that we try to love them when they want to be respected (That is how they feel the love) and they try to respect us when we really want to be loved (that is how we feel respected).  We can't make men into women and we can't make women into men.  There is a reason we are the way we are and we should learn to appreciate each other.  They give practical advice to women on how to show respect, the importance of sex and the need for our men to provide and protect, and the gentle reminder that our men are very visual and that we need to protect our marriage by making sure that our men are focused on us and that we are giving them something beautiful to focus on.  At least 70% of men that took part in their survey indicated that they would be emotionally bothered if their wife let themselves go...it hurts them emotionally.  They take it personally...but when asked if it mattered more whether they fit in their wedding dress again or if they were making an effort...over 83% said the effort mattered more.  Eye opening stuff here...I highly recommend both books.  I think that most of my readers are women, but the book for men is also very good and explains women quite accurately too.  It explains that we need constant reassurance of their love, how to listen and prevent arguments, how our brains work very differently, and how to help us deal with it.  There is also a positive ending in both books about what men and women would want their spouses to know...very good stuff here.

Hope you enjoy these books as much as I have and happy weekend to you all!