Get Smart

I have been having a rough week with surrendering.  I am still deferring outwardly, but inside I am fortifying and hiding.  I feel like it is what I have to do to survive these long hours and it really isn't fair to Levi.  I don't know what to do about it right now so as I hide out in my secret hide out phone booth, I haven't stopped trying to educate myself on improving our relationship, but he just isn't with me right now.  We still "got together" four times this week, I am still trying to make sure that his time at home is a retreat from the big, bad world, but I am not feeling loved.  That is pretty much it in a nutshell. I don't feel like he has the energy to fulfill my needs and I am slipping.

People may wonder why I am trying so hard and working so hard to "Get Smart" about my marriage.  So here are just a few reasons: 1. This is my job...I am a wife, mother, and home manager...I don't have another job right now so I should be doing my best at it.  2.  I want my children to have the best example possible.  3.  I want Levi and I, even when the kids are gone, to have an awesome, amazing, wonderful marriage and not be looking at each other saying..."Well, now what?".  So here are a few book reviews and some things that I have been reading lately.

I know that you all know that I have read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.  When she describes her previous behavior, I could swear she was talking about me...kinda makes a girl paranoid...looking for the hidden cameras and microphones around here...This book has helped me a lot.  I won't get into it too much because I already write about it often.

I have also read the Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay.  You will get a mixed review here with this one.  Did I read it all? Yes.  Did it have good points? Yes.  Would I recommend it to a friend?  Mmmmm...depends.  Firstly, he is not Christian and although that doesn't mean that I don't value his opinion, it will mean that some of his assumptions will not align with my beliefs.  There are some things he suggests that I feel could damage marriage.  I won't get into that too much here, unless you are curious and want to email me, as they are my opinions.  The good stuff:  he has a lot in his book on biology...such as increasing your spouses sex drive, genius stuff on a woman's cycle and what we need during different parts of the month, and also the fact that whether we know it or not, we women need some alpha male stuff strutting around the house as well as beta love and attention.

My most recent reads:  For Women Only: What you Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn.  Eye opening stuff in here about the way our men think.  Her and her husband, Jeff Feldhahn, have a companion book: For Men Only: A Straight Forward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women.  Of course I read both...had to make sure that they were telling the truth about us right?  :)Both were quick, easy reads and used results of national surveys.  I love statistics...I made an A in my college statistics class...and I hate math.  But statistics, I get.  They write both books from a Christian perspective but could be enjoyed and interpreted by anyone.  It's not heavy on the bible for you that would be turned off by that.  One of the biggest shockers for me:  Most men (74%) would rather be alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected.  Really?  That is totally opposite as most women by the way.  So what does this mean...that we try to love them when they want to be respected (That is how they feel the love) and they try to respect us when we really want to be loved (that is how we feel respected).  We can't make men into women and we can't make women into men.  There is a reason we are the way we are and we should learn to appreciate each other.  They give practical advice to women on how to show respect, the importance of sex and the need for our men to provide and protect, and the gentle reminder that our men are very visual and that we need to protect our marriage by making sure that our men are focused on us and that we are giving them something beautiful to focus on.  At least 70% of men that took part in their survey indicated that they would be emotionally bothered if their wife let themselves go...it hurts them emotionally.  They take it personally...but when asked if it mattered more whether they fit in their wedding dress again or if they were making an effort...over 83% said the effort mattered more.  Eye opening stuff here...I highly recommend both books.  I think that most of my readers are women, but the book for men is also very good and explains women quite accurately too.  It explains that we need constant reassurance of their love, how to listen and prevent arguments, how our brains work very differently, and how to help us deal with it.  There is also a positive ending in both books about what men and women would want their spouses to know...very good stuff here.

Hope you enjoy these books as much as I have and happy weekend to you all!

 

Apple Trees

 

 

 

You have probably all heard the phrase: "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree".  It is commonly used to describe how children mirror their parents.  When I was a teacher, I would get a good glimpse of this idiom.  When all the parents would come to Open House, I could almost always match up apples with their trees.  Sometimes good apples and good qualities...sometimes bad qualities (as a teacher I tried not to see the apples as bad). 

 

Hopefully you won't think me terribly judgemental here, but when Levi and I are out and experience something such as a rude, loud parent with their rude, loud child we look at each other and say "apple trees".  We know what we mean, but those around us don't.  Don't misunderstand, there was a time when I would walk through a store and see a three year old throwing a fit and I would wonder why the parent didn't take care of it...but that was before I had children.  That would not have been and certainly isn't now a time to use "apple trees".  That is a time to look on with a knowing and sympathetic glance unless it is 10:00 pm and you have decided to bring your entire family to Walmart and your two year old is exhausted and you are browsing the DVDs.  That is your own fault, but I digress.  Let me think of an example for you...

 

We were out to dinner last week and were seated by another family with two adults and two teenagers.  The mother was being extremely rude and picky to the wait staff and so was her daughter.  The father and son hardly looked up from their mobile devices to notice.  Apple trees.

 

Now that you know the context...our own children are surely not immune to the apple tree statement...in fact we probably give each other "that" look quite often.  We can easily see the good and bad qualities that we have passed on to our children...some that we can change and some that are just a part of their beautiful personalities whether we like it or not.  We like to say that we are making sure that they are well rounded...what's a well rounded kid without  a few quirks? 

 

My three year old's favorite phrase is "I can do it myself!"...I know, not unusual by any means.  It is more than that, though.  She is very stubborn, willful, and vocal.  She is also sweet, loyal, and loves to help others.  "Apple tree".  It is like I have a little mini-me running around the house.  We all have one don't we?  When we see ourselves in someone else, though, it can be a bit disheartening.  I know what she will struggle with because I have done so and still do.

 

 

My favorite phrase is "I can do it myself!"  I am stubborn, willful, and vocal.  I am also sweet, loyal, and love to help others.  My mother laughs and laughs when I am dealing with one of my daughters moments.  Very funny mom.  My stubborn streak is more than a mile wide.  I DO NOT LIKE BEING NEEDY.  The thing is that this surrendering stuff requires a bit of neediness doesn't it?

 

I have reached a point in this road that the voice inside is screaming at me to not let go of the stubbornness, the willfulness...the I can do it myself attitude.  But in marriage, you can't do it yourself...that is the whole point isn't it?  I don't like to have to work at something...my middle child got this one too.  I would rather not try something that I am unsure if I will be good at it or not.  He is also very cautious and you can see him check things out from the sidelines until he deems it safe enough to join in, but he likes to play on the outskirts so he can retreat if necessary...now if he is good at something then he jumps right in, but if he is in anyway unsure, then he holds back.

 

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday (cough cough Wilma) and she rightly pointed out to me that this was another wall I was hiding behind.  I realized that this is the bit that I was holding on to (like the lovely donkey above)...the part that says I don't have to or shouldn't be vulnerable to my husband, I don't have to or shouldn't share my inner feelings with him, what if you aren't good at it, you can do it yourself, remember?  You don't need anyone else.  That voice is very loud right now...I guess cause I had to dig a while to find her that she has found her voice.  She is holding on to that last little bit of my whole heart that my husband deserves.  Stubborn, willful and vocal.

 

So this is what I realized and wrote to my friend yesterday...

 

I can't undo it either, can I?  I can't undo that as much as I don't want to admit it, that it is better for us. 

 

It is better for us if I need him sometimes and don't try to do everything myself.  It is better if I let him lead in the dance...it is time to let that last little bit go.  Under all that emotional baggage that I let go a couple of weeks ago...who knew that I would find this little tidbit...layers, huh?  I asked her how long I could pout about it. 

 

 

Her wise reply: 24 hours  So here goes...watch out for my lower lip so you don't trip on it.

Operation Seduce my Husband...I mean Reconnect

When last we met...

 

Bea was ready to unleash Operation Reconnect...(cough, cough) Seduce my Husband.  Well, it was a success, sort of.  So I took a shower, shaved, trimmed, plucked, lotioned, perfumed, clipped, powdered, made up, flattened, etc.  Men...I hope you appreciate what your woman does for you:)  I probably could have just come to bed naked...but I enjoy the work up a little too.

I put on a dress (nothing fancy...just a t-shirt dress) and fancy panties...gotta put on the fancy panties...oohh  funny story about that.  I was getting dressed and my three year old needed to go to the bathroom.  She still needs help, so she came in to my bathroom and I was just in my underthings...she let out this big "Ooooohhhh Mommy, your panties are soooooo pretty!"  She then proceeded to show me her pretty Dora panties and I ooohhhed and ahhhed over them.  My seven year old walks in...takes one look at us and goes..."Ughh" covers his eyes and leaves the room:)

So, Levi gets home and immediately notices.  Hmmm...that might not be such a good thing that he can take one look at me and just know.  Maybe I need to up my day to day game around here.  I was cooking dinner and he does this awesome thing where he sidles up behind me like a cowboy...smacks my rear and then kisses the back of my neck and asks "How's my woman?"...duh...it's getting a little hot in here.

We had an awesome night and an amazing weekend...we were very busy...if you know what I mean.  But I still feel like there is something in the way of real connection.  He is very focused on work right now and it didn't help that all our germ swapping, I mean kissing had us both come down with a stomach bug yesterday...ewww.  Good news: I lost two pounds...pretty sure that will come back, but I can be excited about something today. 

So what's the dill, pickle?  I don't know what to do to help him...he seems like he is not really here...you know?  He always seems a world away...we are connecting in the bedroom, but not much otherwise.

I wish he understood that I need some of this:

 

 

To keep up with this:

 

 

I need him, I need connection, I need to know he loves me and not just in the bedroom.  It is better for me if I feel connected to him...so what to do?  I don't want to stress him out or make him feel like he is doing something wrong.

Going the Distance

"We're going the distance...we're going for speed...she's all alone...all alone in her time of need..."
(Cake..."Going the Distance")

Ok, enough of the musical break.  I have been reading a lot of blogs lately that are talking about distance.  What is it with January?  I am so over January!  So what is it that makes are lives start to look like this?:

   

Is it this?

  

Probably not conducive to cuddle time...hmmm...or is it lack of this?

We all need vitamin D...women are especially vulnerable to being deficient in this vitamin...you should have this checked regularly...I was recently told that my Vitamin D was dangerously low...which over time can cause an increased risk in cardiovascular disease, bone loss, and many other things that I now fix with a daily dose of 1,000 IU of vitamin D (I am not a doctor...this is the amount my doctor prescribed for me to take...check with yours for your proper dose).  In the short term...vitamin D deficiency can make you tired, depressed, and make you more susceptible to respiratory illness.  In January it is near impossible to get enough the natural way, especially when your world looks like this (which mine doesn't):



and besides I look like this if I try to get it the natural way:

And then my dermatologist would freak out!  The sun does not like me.  Vitamins are good and sunscreen...wear sunscreen:)  Oh and big hats and umbrellas for shade.




This is my spot.
(You know it is bad when your friends and family and even your kids say...Bea have you reapplied...EVERY HOUR!!)

The distance might also be caused by this:





Then there is all of this: The Post Holiday Hangover






(Levi and I avoid this one by putting $100 aside every month for Christmas...then we pay cash for everything and have a Christmas budget...It has made giving fun again)



(Ugh...I do have this though, Levi doesn't...he can eat whatever he wants and not gain a pound...Pfttt!)

And before you know it...this has grown between you:

  

I am learning that when men have an issue that they are dealing with that they like to figure it out and often need space (correct me if I am wrong).  Well, if they take a while, as some problems inevitably do, then the women in their lives start to freak out (still with me?).  Why?  Because we take it personally...we think that it must be us...so then we shut down and withdraw.

Someone needs to reach across the canyon...does it really matter who?  Why do I feel like it needs to be Levi...because I am stubborn?  I don't know, but there are times when I dig my heels in and wait and the longer it takes, the smaller I feel.  Why is it so hard?  Why doesn't he know that sometimes I just need a hug or a thanks honey for all that you do and I am just in my head right now?

I am starting to feel the distance too.  In my case...quite literally as Levi drives 160 miles a day to get to work and back.  He is very focused on work right now...as he should be, but week 2 is wearing on us both and I can feel us starting to drift.  So I sent him a sexy text, and I am working extra hard today to make sure the house is a haven...if this doesn't work, then I am a little nervous about the small crack turning into this canyon above.

Well, if it doesn't...there is only 7 more days of January.
It's got to get better, right?

So...I am going to reach across the crack...
I got this...
I hope:)

Burst my Bubble

I wanted to start by saying thank you for all your support last week as I tried to figure out where I was getting stuck.  Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me.  Marriage is a difficult journey sometimes and I am glad that I have figured out a way over this bump in the road.  Remind me of that when the bump comes up again:)

We also survived Levi's first week of commuting...so far so good.  He has some books on CD that you all recommended and is really liking that!  I am to go to the library and check out some more so any recommendations would be appreciated. 

 

 

I just love this cute little guy. 

 

 

Levi and I were having an awesome cuddly talk last night and I asked him how I was doing on the respect issue.  I have learned that respect is probably need #2 with my man.  I am sure that you can guess what need #1 is:)  We got that down...in fact we had some fun with a belt the other day...don't get too excited, it was over before it started really...(not the fun, the belt)...that was...well, it was hot.  Someday I will tell you about that, maybe, considering I can't even type the "O" word...we'll see.

 

Man, I get off topic easily...that pops up in my head and I am wishing Levi was home!  So, respect.  I asked Levi if there was anything that I was saying that he felt disrespected by.  He could only think of one and went on and on about the changes in me and how nice it is to come home.  The one that he thought of was that I was telling a friend on the phone that something at the house was still broken.  I said, well, it is.  He explained that he hadn't had a chance to get to it and that telling my friend that it was still broken was like telling her that I couldn't rely on him to fix it.  THIS IS HUGE people.  He doesn't share like this with me.

(I am still confused by this one...I get not telling my friend...but I am getting frustrated about him not fixing it.)

 

Anyway, so my little bubble is all happy and I ask him if there is anything else that I do that is disrespectful.  He thought for a moment...my head on his chest all cuddled in bed...I looked a little like this:

 

 

Here is our conversation:  Levi is in italics

 

Well, you sigh, a lot, when you think I am doing something wrong.

 

(I am thinking: does that count...I don't actually say that and then I remembered...I asked him if there was anything I do...ah, crap)

 

You roll your eyes.

 

Wh...

 

You slam stuff around when we are arguing.

 

Bu...

 

You try to take over with the kids.

 

I....

 

Oh and the look. (he is really warming up to his subject now)

 

What look?  (I must say here that I probably was giving him the look...he just couldn't see it)

 

The, My gosh, are you an idiot? look.

 

Oh.

 

Ah honey, one step at a time.  (I seriously think he was going to say some more here and thought against it.)

 

 

And my little bubble went...pop.  Don't worry about me...it was a very lighthearted conversation, but it appears that I have a little more work to do in the respect department.

 

I am a very expressive person...I talk with my hands and make crazy facial expressions.  When I laugh...you can guarantee that it isn't some little giggle.  So, I guess I didn't think about how my expressions could be causing disrespect.  Oh...and my look probably looks something like this:

 

       Or      

 

Probably given after he swears up and down that we have no ketchup and I have to get up and grab the ketchup that is right in front of his face.  Insert eye roll...crap!  I did it again:)

Sunday Funnies

Have a great Sunday everyone!  Here are some Sunday Funnies:)

As I watched Chelsea beat Arsenal this morning in the snow, I became very thankful for my awesome weather.  Those poor guys lips were blue!

In honor of my British, Canadian, and Russian friends, from someone who would have no idea what to do if it looked like this outside my window.

This man seems to have misplaced his man card.  Can someone please help him find it?  I really hope this was a joke:

I 100% agree with the following messages:

 

What Have I Learned?

What have I learned?  If you want, you can read the past week's posts or I can sum it up for you right here...

 

I had no idea when I started this week...a)if this would even work, b)where I was going, and c)what I would learn.  Doesn't that pretty much describe life in general...it doesn't come with a road map or even a list of to dos...we might try to plan it all out, but it has a way of happening the way it wants to.

 

"All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost.

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost."

J.R.R. Tolkien

 

Today's song:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for bearing with me as I psychoanalyzed myself this week...Thank you for your comments and support...you helped me to see where I was being stubborn...you helped me process and I could not have done it without you.  Here is what I have taken away from it:

 

I am worthy of love and acceptance, but I must first love and accept myself.

 

There is no such thing as a perfect parent and no matter how much I try, I will make mistakes.  I am terrified by this but if I try to control everything and protect them from everything in this world then I will keep them from learning lessons that they may need when they are older.

 

I learned when I was young not to depend on anyone else and that if I did not control a situation then life hurt too much and it was better if I numb my feelings.  I need to learn that if I am numb then I cannot experience the good feelings either.

 

Being real is hard.  It is uncomfortable and could be dangerous, but there is growth there.  I need to trust more.

 

When things are hard, I stuff the bad feelings...I need to learn to let go.

 

If life hadn't occurred the way it had, I wouldn't be where I am at.  We wouldn't be who we are without the trials and triumphs of our past.

 

 We do not live in a vacuum and we effect those around us whether we want to or not.

 

Now I know better...one of the ways my husband shows and receives his love is with sex...if I reject it...I reject him.

 

My husband's needs are not the same as mine.

 

Sometimes you need to hear something over and over before you accept it as truth.

 

                                      Growth hurts.

 

Wandering around doesn't mean you are lost...sometimes the lessons are in the wandering.

 

Trust is difficult for me. 

 

I have an unhealthy fear of failure.

 

                                                 God loves me.

 



I have forgiven others...I thought that I needed to forgive myself, but I think that I need to accept myself, accept what was and leave it.

 

I think my control comes from fear.  Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of unmet needs, fear of rejection, fear of pain.  This is why I was stuck:

 

Guilt is the rope that I use to drag this emotional baggage with me.  This shit is heavy.  Leaving it behind does not change me, I can remember what I learned without dragging this crap around, but I have to let go of the guilt.  Letting it go doesn't mean that I wasn't sorry or that I will forget the lessons.  I can take the lessons with me and leave the rest behind.  I need to release myself from the guilt.

 

 

Do we share with those about to embark on their lives together or do they have to figure it out for themselves?

 

 

Marriage is not a destination, but a journey.  You may have a whole ocean of problems to face, but

 

if you do it together.

 

I love you Levi.