When I first began to submit to my husband's leadership in our marriage, I asked him if there was anything that I could call him that would remind me of what I was doing and help him feel respected. Some people use Captain and I threw that out as a suggestion. He thought for a moment and responded with Sir. I can say that I am not very good with this, yet, and I am going to try harder to use it. It feels awkward and not endearing, and I will admit that sometimes I can't help but say it sarcastically, which would sort of defeat the purpose of using it.
I was reading something somewhere the other day that some people are trying to make "Sir" gender neutral. Say What? I wish I could link to it, but cannot seem to find it. Commenters on the article were mostly young twenty something women whom I can only wish I could speak to and smack some sense into. Before you think I am being overly judgemental, just know that I probably would have jumped on that train in my twenties too. I would be smacking them out of love to wake them up. Sir is a term of respect, at least where I come from. Ma'am is also a term of respect. If someone said "Yes Sir" to me, I would be greatly offended.
Why is it that we want the world to be "Gender Neutral?" Why can't we accept men and women for what they are and appreciate our differences? I am not speaking of equal pay for equal work etc. I am talking about appreciating that we are wired and built differently and that it is okay. Where is the line or balance of gender inclusive language and ridiculousness? Every time you turn around you are met with women whining about how men should be or think more like women and men whining about how women should be or think more like men. God made us different for a reason.
If you need a gender neutral term to use, let me school you in a Southern phrase that works regardless of gender and any gender can make use of it. It would be what I would use to describe men and women that can't seem to accept gender differences.
So I was shopping in one of my favorite stores today TRYING to finish my Christmas shopping. I was looking for stocking stuffers. I refuse to buy the kids junk for their stockings, but don't want to spend and arm and a leg either...which leaves me extremely frustrated, especially as they get older. Ugh...sorry for the whining.
On to my Public Service Announcement:
I was strolling along and spied this in the ladies pajama department...uh, WOW.
Now, I hope that I will not offend anyone here...I get it, they look warm and snugly, you can wear these in front of your kids, but unless you live in the arctic or alone with a bunch of cats...your husband is not going to be having sexy thoughts about you while wearing these.
I once got an over sized pajama tshirt from my parents that had a particular character on it. I loved it. It was comfy, the kids thought it was cool, but when I happened to ask Levi last year if there was anything I wore that he hated...the only thing he could come up with was that pair of pajamas. So I ditched them...do yourself a favor...just don't buy these.
Unless of course, your spouse thinks footie pajamas are hot...then by all means, go for it. I happen to know that mine would probably fire up the grill for these. But I do like to put some spicy things in his stocking...usually for me to wear.
So I put a few things in my basket:
Now Levi does not expect me to wear lingerie every night or all night...he happens to think tank tops and a pair of boxers are sexy...so easy to please...in fact he would rather me sleep naked...with the little ones that doesn't happen. This however was the kind of material that you could stay in all night...very comfy feeling.
Here lately he has mentioned SEVERAL times that he thinks I should wear thongs for him. Ugh...really? Ok...eye roll...so I threw a few pair of those in there too.
I know these aren't necessarily the prettiest things ever but I just can't do lace up the butt. He'll get over it:)
As much as I love his body...I do NOT want to see HIM in a thong, but these particular underwear are the BEST THINGS EVER!!! I HIGHLY recommend them for your man:
They are SNOB bamboo boxers (they come in briefs too) and they are apparently Canadian...so may be easier to get in Canada, but I have to order them online. We picked them up on vacation recently and should have bought more. They are incredibly soft! LOVE THEM!!
I usually throw some other things in there too towards the bottom that he has to peek at without pulling all the way out...otherwise we would both be mortified! I ordered this for his stocking this year:
I have never been disappointed with this brand. They have all kinds of things...and they all taste good...not nasty with after tastes or anything.
I try to stick a few boring things in his stocking too so that he can take some things out...otherwise the kids would be all nosy.
Here is an update on Levi and I's sex challenge for each other...you can read it about it here.
Day 7: nada, again (We were both "busy" tonight. I was trying to pay bills, check Facebook, read blogs, pick up around the house. Levi was playing video games...it's his decompression time. We ended not falling into bed until 11:30 and promptly fell asleep.)
Day 8: Morning Short Shower Session (In the morning, Levi made a rule...say what? "We have to go to bed earlier!" I tentatively replied, "Ok." "We need to be in bed by 10 every night." "Sounds good." I surely replied. He proceeded to take me in the shower. It was alright.
Day 9: Warm Tingles (How do I explain warm tingles...there are times when our husbands just hit all the right spots and a warm sensation just spreads throughout your body and you feel like you could do it forever and be happy. I am not talking about orgasm, although if I get the warm tingles then I typically have excellent ones. I suppose I feel very connected, very into the moment, what I quietly want is what he is doing and I am not having to tell him. Not that telling him is bad...there are just times you really want it differently than you are getting it in that moment and need to speak up, but something about their ability to read you and give it how you want it without the words makes it better somehow. aaaaand....maybe I am just crazy and on my own on this one. But the cool thing about these warm tingles is that I was completely irritated with him and still got them!)
Epiphany...So I CAN be completely irritated with him and still have sex,
IF I push past the annoyance.
My dear Levi....oh, you know it is bad when a Southern girl writes dear before her husband's name(wanted to make sure you Northern folk understand)...can be SO irritating. I know I can be too, but that isn't what this story is about. Levi screws with "the plan" sometimes. I have a plan in my head...one that I know will benefit everyone in the situation as I have thought about this plan from all angles at once. If he screwed with the plan for the benefit of all or even "the plan", I would be totally cool with it and even be turned on by his leading the situation. But he doesn't screw with "the plan" to improve it, but because he gets "stuck". How do I explain "stuck"? Let me give you an example:
Example 1: We will be leaving town and I have spent the day doing laundry and packing. I have the kids completely ready to go...meaning we have all peed and they have their car entertainment ready to go. My dear Levi has come in and thrown his things in the suitcase. I am loading up the car and tell the kids it is time to go and Levi says, wait, I have to do something real quick. What does he have to do? Prepare some safety feature for the house, no. Unplug appliances, no. He needs to update his 401K in our computer. The kids are now whining and I am telling them to just give daddy a moment...10 minutes later I load the van and wait outside because my blood pressure is through the roof and it is better for everyone if I leave the house.
So this time we had decided that we would decorate our tree that has been sitting with just lights on it for a few days now. We have had activities every night and this was a night that we had nothing to do and nowhere we had to be. Our pre-lit tree had had some issues though and some lights had not lit. Levi had strung the tree with some other lights for now and we would add "new tree" to our list for next year. I put on the Christmas music and we sat down to dinner. Levi said that he had to run a quick errand. Ok, I said...the kids and I will get things prepped. He got back from his errand at 7:30ish...now keep in mind we have young kids that are typically in bed between 8:30 and 9. He said he borrowed a tool from a friend at work that could fix broken Christmas lights...cool. He said he wants to fix them first. Okay, I sent the kids upstairs to play and said I would let them know when it was time. 8:45 rolls around...okay, I am done he says. Babe, we can't do the tree now. We had been waiting to do the tree because he wanted to do it as a family...we have a school program one night and another activity Friday. The kids are upset, it is time to go to bed, and Levi gets "stuck". He just couldn't let it go. Then he made a teasing remark about something as we were getting the kids to bed that really hurt my feelings.
Why am I telling you all this? I am not trying to throw Levi under the bus...this is his annoying habit, but I allow it to drive me nuts, so I am equally to blame. I am also quite certain that I have annoying habits too...hello, this blog is about reforming my control freakedness so I am fully aware of my faults.
I am telling you this because I have realized that I have been using "I am irritated" as an excuse not to have sex. Ouch. I have not being doing this intentionally, but subconsciously. But when I would get irritated I would put up the walls and I would think to myself, "You have been irritating me for the last hour and you think now you are going to have a warm body to hold, Ha!" My feelings would be hurt, I would be disappointed about something and would let it "get in the way" of being open to sex.
Last night, I didn't. My reasoning may not be the greatest...I did not want to go another night in our challenge without having sex...yikes, says something about me, doesn't it. But you know what? I realized something very important in the process.
I was irritated and hurt and I let Levi know it, and then I had sex anyway...and it was really good.
I know, I know...I am not a sex blogger...geez Bea, you sure have sex on the brain lately! Well, what should I say to that...I suppose I do. Is there something wrong with that? I think not! Why do I keep blushing then? *wink*
Anyway, I hereby challenge you married folks to have sex. Uh, Bea...we do that. Yes, yes, but I am challenging you to do it 30 DAYS IN A ROW!
Say What? Now THAT is a challenge.
How did I get this crazy idea? Well, I read this blogger who did the same thing...I read all her posts...she is pretty funny, but I couldn't get over the fact that Day 1 her and her husband got in a fight and didn't have sex...SERIOUSLY?, I think I would have had to officially start the next day...that would drive me crazy. There are magazine challenges and pastor challenges out there too...so I thought, hell, why not?
So, I told Levi about this challenge and he felt the same way I did...the couple only had sex like 2/3 of the 30 days...does that even count? He said...oh yeah, babe, we could so do better than that. Now, you may be thinking, uh, Bea...you know what he is up to, right? Yes, yes, I get it. But, hey, sounds like fun to me. So we decided to do this together and now I am sharing with you in hopes that you might try too!
Levi and I discussed the rules...in order for it to count for us one of us has to get off and we have to be together. It can be in whatever way we want, but not alone...so no, masturbating in the shower doesn't count. It has to occur between 12:00 am and 11:59 pm to count for that day. We added one the other night...if we miss a day then we can make it up another day by doing it twice. So, this may sound like cheating, but Levi added it so I would stop obsessing about missing Day 4...more on that in a minute.
Now, Levi and I have a pretty healthy sex life most of the time, but I shared with you all that we were going through a bit of a dry spell and we were feeling more like roommates. It had been just a handful of times in the last couple of months. We have been crazy busy stressed which I think had a lot to do with it. We usually would average a handful of times every week! So this was unusual and it was making me uncomfortable that such a pattern was forming.
We are on Day 7...here is what we have so far...have I mentioned that I am not a sex blogger?...please excuse my vagueness...smile...blush.
Day 1: Grumpy morning quickie (I am not a morning person. Levi, however opens his eyes and is ready to face the day and is always frisky. We had been up until 12 and I had had to take an allergy pill. We also had a houseful of guests and the kids did not have school so I could sleep in. I was extremely annoyed when he woke up ready to face the challenge at 5:30 am and all I wanted to do was sleep. I remember whining like a two year old, growling, and then of course, I had to get up and pee. I stomped off to the bathroom and came out and Levi was getting dressed for work. I asked him what he was doing! I am up now! Yes, I am quite sure that I was a sexy goddess that he was so looking forward to nailing. I mumbled I am sorry and threw off my pjs...that was enough I guess, but I made it clear it was just for him.
Day 2: 15 minute maintenance moments before midnight (Just had to practice some alliteration there...I say maintenance cause it was sorta eh for both of us...only he got off, I seriously just wasn't in the mood and was tired, but he did make a concerted effort to make sure that I enjoyed myself)
Day 3: 10 minute exhausted quickie (Seriously, can we get any more tired?...I could blame the tryptophan, but I think that our week of family and commitments was totally catching up to us and we had to leave early in the morning to travel to visit more family so we weren't thrilled with the lack of sleep and the morning ahead. But, I will say that we made eye contact a lot and it was enjoyable while it lasted...we both got off)
Day 4: Nada (Ugh...this totally bugs me, but we had traveled 5 hours and spent the day with family who decided it was a good idea to brave the mall...I avoid Black Friday like the PLAGUE! But what could I do...so 15! of us, including my three children (two of whom HATE shopping) wandered around the mall...Someone please give me a drink. We layed in bed that night...not our own...and just couldn't...we both passed out.)
Day 5: Hour long, multiple position awesomeness! (I felt awful about passing out and was really irritated about it so Levi made a rule that we would just have to make it up by having sex twice one day...yes, that shall be a real hardship for you dear *note sarcasm*:) We traveled back home and Levi flirted and kissed, and butt grabbed all day...which got me all excited about our evening to come. I also had a chance to read on the drive...yes, I read romance...which helped me get in the mood as well. I am quite sure I fell asleep with that cat ate the cream look on my face.)
Day 6: Hand job (I know, pretty lame...but I tried to make it as exciting as I could for Levi...I had reflux...it sucks to be old, and was just not feeling it, but I made sure he felt good)
So that is where we are so far...if you decide to try it, let me know so I can read how it is going for you too! I will keep you posted:)
I am THAT one in the group. I am the one that people call and ask for advice. I have NO idea why other than the fact that I never laugh at them? Maybe? I don't consider my advice wise...half the time I just prescribe wine. TMI is not really in my vocabulary, though, so I often get and give sex advice.
So I had a friend who called me to tell me how grumpy and stressed her husband had been lately and wanted to know if I had any advice on how to cheer him up.
Seriously, this is easy.
So I asked her...how long has it been since you had sex?
Um...Uhh....
Sweetie, if it is taking that long to remember, then it has been too long...Jump him. I am quite certain his mood will improve.
And you know what? She called me the next day. Voila, husband is a happy camper.
Hmmm....I have been a bit grumpy lately and feeling like roommates so maybe I should take my own advice...this has been a low couple of weeks for some reason. Thinking I should jump Levi...yep, sounds like a plan.
Have a lot going on and may not be around this week, so I hope you all have a lovely holiday.
My advice to you this week? Lighten up and have sex...and wine...improve the mood in your house:)
I am coming to realize something, something I knew was coming, but was not prepared to happen so quickly.
My days of swing pushing, lego building, and hand holding are coming to a close. My little boy is growing up. Of course my job is not over and never will be, and although he still needs me as a mother and there are still things for me to teach him, he needs Levi more now.
I can't teach my son how to be a man.
What can I do? This is a difficult age for me as he transitions from a boy to a young man and I am having a bit of trouble with it. Certainly I can tell him how I think a man should behave, but I am not a man. I don't think or act like one, so he will be learning how to be a man and leader from his father.
Levi and I have talked a little about this and this is what we have come up with...do you have anything to add?
-I can show respect to Levi:
I should be doing this anyway...that is kinda the whole point of my blog (wink), but I am still learning exactly what it means. I realize now how important it is for me to model this for our sons and daughter. Speaking just about the oldest at the moment, it will be important for him to see how he should be treated so that he chooses someone that treats him with respect. I try not speak down to or criticize Levi. If I disagree with him and feel like something needs to be said then I do that away from the children. I try make my suggestions or ideas in front of the children in a respectful manner and not in a sarcastic or "duh" kind of way. I say "try" because this is nowhere near perfect yet, but I am improving.
-Treat our oldest with respect:
I am learning just how important it is that men (even little ones) need respect. This is a tough one though because as his parent and as an adult, I deserve respect as well. Looking for ways that I can show him respect. I am reading a book right now that is transforming my views of men. It is called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs...I plan on reviewing it at some point but for now I want to explain something that is revolutionary in my mind. I have always thought that respect was something you earned and I would argue that outside marriage and family, that is still the case. Dr. Eggerichs suggests that men need unconditional respect like women need unconditional love.
Unconditional.
I am practicing respectful disagreement, and treating our oldest with respect and still providing discipline...that is tough for me, but it is amazing how much easier he takes the discipline when it is dolled out in a respectful manner. Sure he still needs my love, but needs to feel respected also.
-Teach our oldest how to respectfully disagree and hear him out:
As our son gets older and he becomes a young man, I know that we will disagree about certain things. I am getting ridiculous attitude some days, but what I realized is that he disagrees with me. That in and of itself is fine, but he is not being respectful which sets me off and then I don't listen to what he is saying. He needs to know that he can disagree with me. It doesn't mean he will get his way. He needs to learn how to do that respectfully. I am coming into a time when he is more independent and will begin to choose things out of my control...boy! does that put my control monster into a tail spin!! He does have good ideas sometimes and I need to listen to his thoughts and give him ways that he could say it better. I believe this skill will help at school, work, and when leading his family. Because most interaction during the day is with me, I believe my roll in teaching this skill is important. I am trying not to shoot down every idea he gets because it doesn't fit into our schedule or my idea of how the day should go.
For example, he thought that they should go outside and play before he did his homework because it gets dark so quickly. I have a big rule that homework comes first. He was stomping around and being a twerp as kids do. I knew that if they did their homework first that they probably would not have time to go outside as it does get dark early, so I called him over to me and asked him what he was doing that was disrespectful to me. He mumbled..."dfksjghuirlgh." I am sorry I cannot understand what you said. "Stomping." Yes, how could you share your idea with me in a better way. He tried again and I corrected his tone. I said I understand what you are saying about it getting dark, but I am worried about you not finishing your homework. What could we do about that? (At this point I am thinking...this has to be the most difficult way to go about this...it better work!...I was a bit frustrated) I suggested a time limit and that if they could go out and come back in the first time called and do their homework without whining that we could try it out. This took a lot more dialogue than what I have written here. Homework had never been easier...he was like a little policeman with his little brother..."she is not going to let us do this again if you don't come in when she says", etc.
-Let him fail and face the consequences:
Oh boy this one is really hard for me. I know that I have talked before about my huge fear of failure...HUGE PEOPLE! I certainly don't want my children to fail either, but sometimes he needs to fail a bit in order to learn something. Teachable moments in a safe way and at a time that it will not effect the rest of his life. Sometimes this is as simple as when you don't bring your dirty clothes downstairs when I have asked you, then you go to school in pants you already wore this week. Then because I am already done with said laundry you will be doing your own. Sometimes it is a little more serious like when you don't organize your schoolwork, locker, bedroom, backpack and you can't find a paper that is due tomorrow then you miss out on something fun because you have to redo it or you get points taken off because it will be late. Or waiting until the last minute to do a project and expecting me to stay up and help you. Levi is probably going to have to sit on me for this one, kinda like when we let the kids cry it out a bit when they were babies:)
-Teach him to understand women (Levi will have to teach him to lead...I can only help him understand why women-even little ones-behave the way they do)
I see it already in his dealings with his sister...man this starts young. He wants to be on his own or play something that she can't...she is wailing that he doesn't love her and wails enough that he gives in...the men in this family are not helping me with this little girl...let me tell you! I pull him aside and tell him that it is good that he plays with his sister, but it is ok that he wants to do things sometimes that she can't and he needs to tell her that he is busy and can play in a little while. She will have to get over it. He can do this in a loving way and I tell him how. He does not like her to cry or get upset. I ask why do you think she cries and gets upset. She either a) wants to get her way and is able to with drama or b) is worried you don't like her and never want to play with her. He alleviates (b) by saying he will play with her at x time and then does so, and ignores the drama for (a) so that she will figure out it gets her nowhere. Kinda explains adult relations too, does it not?
Eye...opening.
-Give him opportunities to and encourage him to male bond
He is in scouts and I absolutely love the experiences that he has been able to have. Levi and him do it together and as he transitions with the older kids...it is male led and male only. I love this for him. Sure, I get nervous, but I have to suck it up and let him learn.
Ack, anyone have a glass of wine? I need a drink after this list.
So that is where I am at...I know that some of you are a season ahead of me in this, so tell me...what did you do to help your sons as they transitioned to young men? How did you help your spouse? And how many bottles of wine should I stock per week?
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and apparently I can't (as much as I want to believe it) do two things at once. I can't seem to blog when I am in thinking mode. Sure, I have been very busy lately, but that isn't the reason that I haven't been around. Oh and I could probably blame it on stress, or kids, or broken vehicles, or a myriad of other things, but the truth is I have been thinking.
I am a thinker. I seem to have to think something to death before I can decide on something, which can be extremely frustrating. I wish I was one of those people that can make a decision and just jump in with both feet. If you know someone like this, please be patient with them. I guarantee you they probably wish they could be different. I TRY to accept what just is, so I seem to stand on the sidelines, observe for a while, imagine myself there, go through all the possible what ifs, and finally decide on something. Sometimes I jump in and think, "Why did I take so long? This rocks!", and sometimes I think, "Oh Hell no, this is NOT what I thought." and proceed to jump right back out. And sometimes I walk away feeling like it isn't worth the risk or know that it wouldn't work for me.
I seem to be stuck. Oh yes, I am good and stuck. I have decided a few things...truths for myself. I suppose where I am stuck is what to do about it. The problem is that I have done a lot all by myself. Gosh I really hate it when people are vague, don't you?! This is why I can't seem to blog. I can't seem to share myself until I have it all worked out in my head, but isn't this what this is for? I can pour out my brain here and along the way I can figure it out. So, here is a bit of randomness that I can pour out. I can say that who knows if I will feel the same next week on some of these issues, but here is where I am at right now.
My marriage is important to me.
I am trying to be the best wife that I can be...it's exhausting.
Maybe I should just focus on being the best me that I can be.
Levi thinks it is strange that I am wanting to check in with our marriage.
I think he feels threatened.
What I can't seem to get across to him is that I love him.
I want us to have an amazing marriage.
I certainly understand that relationships have highs and lows.
Our marriage is good.
It's not great.
I am just trying to be connected, plugged in, hot for each other.
Kids...gotta love em...but they do get in the way a bit sometimes.
You are probably reading this and upset that I am saying the kids get in the way.
It's the truth whether I want to admit it or not...adorable they are and I wouldn't have it any other way.
But I have a fear of waking up one day and not knowing the man next to me.
(the man being Levi...just in case you aren't following me)
I can't follow myself sometimes...hence the thinking.
Do you ever get irritated when someone you disagree with on some things is right about other things?
Then you have to give someone credit for being right about something you thought was wrong.
Ugh.
Especially when you thought you were right?
Maybe you are still right, but just aren't giving it enough time?
Maybe you are just too focused on someone else?
Or maybe you are feeling an intervention coming and want to figure out what to say?
Yes, probably that other one.
Someone told me that me surrendering wouldn't work.
I will have to admit that he is partially right.
Surrendering "alone" won't work for us.
Not alone...by yourself...but alone...without someone else.
Follow me there?
No?
Let me try it this way.
I can't do marriage by myself.
I need Levi to do it to, to care, to plug in, to want us to be hot, to want us to be great.
I need him to want to do this with me, to want to be a better him for us.
I can only change myself, you say?
I shouldn't be focused on him being different, you say?
I should just keep trying, you say?
All true, I say.
After God, my marriage should be my priority.
Then kids, work, family, friends, interests, etc.
(keep in mind that this is for me...not judging you if you disagree)
Levi would like for things to just be like they are...what's wrong with where we are at?
Nothing really.
But why have a stale store bought chocolate chip cookie when you can have a warm, gooey, fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookie?
Sure, it's edible, but is it worth the calories.
Don't freak out here...some of you may be thinking...oh dear, she is going to leave him or something.
Cow Patty.
(That's a nice way to say something else, in case you didn't follow me there)
Just pourin' out my thoughts over hear if you made it this far.
Pat yourself on the back.
Squirrel (if you don't get this reference...watch Up)
Whenever I try to sign my name on a comment on my phone, my auto correct tries to write Bra instead of Bea...so if you ever get a comment from Bra...well, you know it is me.
Like that change of subject?
I am leaving you with a song...The Civil Wars rocks if you haven't heard them...their harmony is amazing and this is one of my favorite songs of theirs. They are not married to each other but are married and when asked what this song was about, they said it was about the ups and downs of marriage. (basically-paraphrasing here).
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Ooh, your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will, I always will, I always will
I always will, I always will
Apparently I was late for Love our Lurkers...if you lurk on my blog, I am sorry:) Just kidding...hopefully you will come out and say hi sometime.
