You know you don't really understand how dark a movie theater is until you walk from it into the bright sunlight of day. Everyone squints and grabs for their sunglasses in the hopes to save themselves from damage to their retinas. Well, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it looks to be quite bright. (Let's hope it's not a train, shall we:)) The darkness is clearing and I am beginning to focus. Yes, it is cheesy, but I couldn't resist: My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.
We are almost done preparing the house and it will be ready to go on the market in a couple of weeks. I can definitively say that when I grow up, I don't want to be a painter, but my baseboards look amazing...if I do say so myself. And I have a lot of freaking doors for such a small house. My realtor is going to think that I am crazy, but I am going to count doors in our next house:)
A couple of the kids' activities are winding down in preparation for summer. We are beginning to really look hard at where exactly we want to start looking and have narrowed it down to several small areas. It's exciting and scary, but I feel like I am in a better place to handle it.
Who knew how much your thyroid and vitamins can affect you? I look back on the last 6-7 months and wonder how I didn't notice how low I was. It's like I have come out of the theater to a bright sunny day. I am beginning to lose weight, am happier more often, able to handle stressful situations without totally losing it, and the doom and dread feeling is fading.
I got lost on the way to take my oldest to an activity. I was trying to avoid a huge traffic jam and thought I knew my way around it on the side roads, but I got turned around and ended up here:
My phone map wouldn't update...stupid (3G piece of)...phone...and we were going to be late. I HATE being late. And before you think that it couldn't have been that bad and that I must be exaggerating, I must remind you that I live in a VERY large city. The area that I was lost in is one they write songs about and one that I could get pulled over in just because I drive a halfway decent car. The cops would wonder if I was lost or up to no good. I drove very quickly back towards the interstate and told my oldest that we were going to be late. His response: "Ok, mom." I glanced back and he was reading his book, completely oblivious to the danger we just drove through and honestly did not care that we were going to be late. What the heck was I worried about then...other than being carjacked of course? I immediately relaxed and found my way to our destination. We were only 15 minutes late and missed nothing. A couple of months ago I probably would have totally broken down. I was able to (in the words of my oldest) "Just chill."
I know the next couple of months are going to be quite busy and stressful hoping we sell the house and hoping we can get into one in this seller's market. I think I am going to buy me one of these hammocks and imagine myself in our new backyard...just chillin'.
John 1:5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
I have recently been given medication for hypothyroidism. I hate taking medicine, but I knew after some of my symptoms became difficult to deal with that I would need to see a doctor. And call me shallow, but my hair was falling out. I consider my hair to be one of my best features and thankfully I have been told that it will grow back. I had also put on 10 pounds in 6 months and it was not coming off.
I have to take several vitamin supplements because my calcium and vitamin D are very low. This may be a case of the chicken or the egg as the thyroid helps to regulate these vitamins. I have medicine for acid reflux as well and have been plagued with digestive issues for years. I am cold and tired and have difficulty dealing with stress and going back over some of my posts, one may wonder if I am depressed. And did I mention I hate taking medicine?
So, I am taking the stupid medicine, but I wanted to find ways to naturally boost my thyroid.
I asked the doctor if there was anything I could do...her response...lose weight and reduce stress (and take thyroid medicine).
Well, shit...that's helpful.
Chicken....Egg...considering that the stupid gland made me gain weight and is making it difficult to deal with stress...
Ok, enough with the sarcasm...but I was about ready to smack the woman. I have started some research and I have a feeling that some dietary changes are in my future and considering I live in the south where everything is deep fried, dipped in ranch, smothered in cheese, incredibly portioned or otherwise awful for you...this is going to be a challenge.
A common theme to my research:
Decrease Sugar/Carbs
Increase Protein
Consider a Gluten-Free Diet (my gastro thought I might have Celiac's but I tested negative)
Probiotics
Anti-Inflammation Diet
Practice Relaxation (apparently the thyroid is a stress sensitive gland--hahahahaha...ok, sorry...I just find that humorous right now)
Vitamins (Especially D, Omega-3 and B - apparently my vitamin D is low enough to contribute to hormone pathway disruption)
Considering some of my favorite foods include bread, tortillas, or pasta...I am in trouble. Reducing stress is probably not going to happen for a few months:) so I will focus on the food.
If anyone has any cookbooks, websites, etc that they can share...I would greatly appreciate it.
To say I saw it coming is a bit of an understatement. Everyone had such wonderful advice on my last post...well, I guess more accurately Wilma had great advice and everyone seconded it:) And I really tried to relax this weekend. We had plans that we couldn't change but it was nice family time. After completing a few errands, we decided to go home to eat lunch. I asked if we could stop and pick up a soda. He said no. I was a bit shocked, but thought perhaps he was worried about money, or my health, or maybe had something up his sleeve for lunch...like going out or something. So we arrived home (no special something there) and I was a bit upset. He wanted to know what we had to drink for lunch...uh, nothing. I asked why he didn't want to get a soda. Again I was expecting the money or health issue. He said he forgot...that he had been kidding and he had meant to stop to get me a soda. I really wasn't buying that so I asked why he had said no to begin with.
He said: "There wasn't anything in it for me." (he was quite serious here)
I said: "I'm sorry, what?" (in a very quite voice)
Now, in my head there was a battle raging. Firstly, I am sitting there thinking...I am getting this upset over a soda. But it really wasn't the soda...this phrase right here....hurt...badly. This is how I have been feeling lately. And he was able to put it into words for me.
He ran off to run another errand and I said..."That really bothers me", before he left. That was all I could manage. I couldn't decide whether to throw something, cry, or blow it off. I couldn't think I was so upset. I had to close myself off in a room so I could compose myself without the kids seeing me lose it. Now, in Levi's defense...he brought me home a soda.
I am struggling STILL with what to do when the Captain is WRONG. I want to be respectful and not end up making things worse with the words I choose to use, but what do you do with THAT statement. My Captain does not like to be wrong...ever...so needless to say that he does not handle it well when someone points it out.
"Poison & Wine"
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will [x7]
I always will [x5]
Before you all worry that I don't love Levi, let me reassure you that that is far from the truth. I really think that this song is metaphorical. I think it describes how we sometimes feel in our marriages and the struggle we have with each other when the other is driving us bananas. I think it describes exactly this sort of communication break down. I had a choice...my mouth could be poison or it could be wine. If only I could just calm myself down a bit. How could I make him understand how he was making me feel. I knew I couldn't "turn my back" this time.
I called and got us a babysitter so that we could go to dinner. I figured, hey, in a public place things couldn't get too ugly. But I knew (after talking to a friend and making sure that I wasn't just hormonal and that I did have a reason to have a long talk with Levi) that if I didn't, that things could get ugly quickly.
Here is how our conversation went at dinner:
When you said "There wasn't anything in it for me." I heard: "Your needs aren't important. Only my needs are important." I have felt lately like I am doing a lot for you and for the house and family. I have been doing this because I love you and the kids and want you not to be any more stressed than you already are with everything going on. I know that you are working very hard for us, but I can't do this if you don't even care about how I am doing.
Stunned silence.
Then he said he was sorry and that is not what he meant by it. He told me that he does care what I need and how I am doing.
I told him I need to see that.
I am seeing it and it is like water in the desert. I am lapping it up.
I need him. I need him to care about the decisions made and not just leave everything to me. I need to know that he loves me. I want him to want me...(to quote another song:)) not just sexually...he gets that...I need to know that he wants to be with me and not just that I am that chick at home that does his laundry, takes care of his kids, and has sex whenever he wants. I want him to share himself with me and not close himself off. I want to have fun with him and laugh together. We are both so exhausted and things around here are so crazy, but we have to figure out how to live and support each other in the moment...stress or no stress.
I asked a fellow blogger (I am not sure if it is ok if I share who...please tell me if it is) last week how they were staying so positive in the face of adversity and if they had any tips. They had such excellent advice that I wanted to share...They said: "Don't get sucked into the blame or resentment cycle as it does no one any good. DO NOT take out your frustrations on each other. Just try and support each other through this time and connect as often as you can. We are capable of surviving and even thriving in difficult conditions but do your best to have a positive mindset."
I got a light bulb. I am usually a VERY positive person...even annoyingly so. I have always been a glass half full sort, but the big R had taken over my thinking...Resentment had festered and I knew that I had to let it go. Resentment was the fuel to my cauldron. Is it completely gone?...no, but I am getting there. We had a great date and Sunday we had family time and I had some girl time. It was what the doctor ordered. I am feeling better today and can see the progress that I am making around the house...we are but weeks away from selling...I know that it will get crazy again, but I am trying to stay positive and I vow to share how I am feeling with Levi and try not to hold on to resentment.
What's wrong? That dreaded question. Shouldn't I just be happy that Levi cares enough to notice that there is something wrong? You would think so. But I feel a bit like this:
No, this doesn't really do it...too predictable.
How about this: (Although this certainly ages me doesn't it?)
No, that looks like too much fun...what I am feeling is not fun.
This might be better...
Quietly simmering. For you science nerds out there...potential energy...and not the good kind.
One more ingredient in my bubbling pot and several things could happen...there could be a flare which could burn whoever dares to throw in that last ingredient (let us hope that it is not some random person like the checkout chick at Walmart), or the whole thing might just explode taking out whoever is nearby, resulting in an ugly aftermath of hurt feelings and guilt. Double Double, Toil and Trouble....etc. A little steam is let loose occasionally out my boiling bubbles. But then he asks me What's Wrong?
I am not sure what bothers me more...that he couldn't take a guess or that I can't seem to explain what's wrong. Sometimes my answer is I don't know. Could I think of a few things to list off?...sure. Are my reactions right now fitting the stressors?...I think not. All of that only makes me feel ridiculous for feeling what I am feeling, which makes me hold everything in, which really gets my pot boiling.
Is there a pressure release valve somewhere around here? Will someone please flip it then!?
My attempts at reaching this:
Not happening.
I know, I know...this is temporary...we will be past this soon. I have also started taking some medicine for my little thyroid issue so maybe that will start to help. Having so many things to do and having hypothyroidism sucks. I am exhausted and irritable often, and then do things like burst into tears when I realize that someone left the fridge open all night long and all the food is ruined. Or feel monumentally hurt when I show Levi what accomplishments in painting and getting the house ready for sale that I have done that day and he points out my "missed spot". Or not speak to my husband during one of our children's sporting events because when I arrived 8 minutes late with our other two children and had been looking forward to an hour of fun, the first words out of my dear husband's mouth was "Well, it is almost half time..." (said in rude tone). When I tried to explain why I was late, I was interrupted. (Although my BCFs would be very proud of me...later in the day I told him how much that hurt my feelings.)
And no...it is not all Levi's fault...he has done sweet things like when I was overwhelmed about what to cook for dinner he took us all out to eat...although, I will say that I think that he could be a little more emotionally supportive and taking his dishes to the sink or taking the trash out might help too. I feel like there may be a bit of this going on:
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
I'm stressed out, hormonal, feeling lonely, scared of the future, overwhelmed, feeling like I am doing everything myself, tired, guilty that I am not providing a happy and stress-free home, wishing that I was done painting, wishing that I had one day that I didn't have to do anything, wondering if we are doing the right thing, feeling fat and unattractive, feeling like I am at a distance from everyone and everything, wishing I could find my beach, feeling like I might be on the verge of some sort of mental breakdown, wishing I could find my happy place, battling with my fight or flight instinct and just wanting to throw my hands up, needing a break etc. etc. etc.
And what do I say?
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Sorry...I know that I am complaining...just trying to release some of this steam in a healthy way.
I have been doing this blogging thing long enough that I have seen several bloggers move on. Sometimes they say goodbye and sometimes they disappear. It is so special that people are willing to share their stories, their lives, their inner workings. When they end abruptly or when you watch their descent down your blogroll never to return...it is a bit sad. I feel the need for closure...like a blogger retirement party or a blog funeral...a way to say thank you for being here, even though you have to go.
This song pretty much sums it up for me...my thoughts and feelings to share in order to say goodbye to those who have gone before us:)
Aggresively,
We will defend the roll we play.
Regrettably,
The times come to send you on your way.
We've seen it all,
Bonfires of trust, flash floods of pain.
It doesn't really matter,
Don't you worry it'll all work out.
No, it doesn't really matter,
Don't you worry darlin' what it's all about.
We hope you enjoyed your stay,
It's good to have you with us,
even if it's just for the day.
We hope you enjoyed your stay,
Outside the sun is shining,
seems like heaven ain't far away.
It's good to have you with us,
even if it's just for the day.
It's good to have you with us,
even if it's just for the day.
Outside the sun is shining,
seems like heaven ain't far away.
It's good to have you with us,
even if it's just for the day.
Outside the sun is shining,
seems like heaven ain't far away.
seems like heaven ain't far away.
I tell Levi often that when he holds me I feel safe. Men, I think, are often confused about what we mean by that. It isn't just physical strength. For me safe means accepted, loved, wanted, needed, desired, secure, protected, and feelin' the warm fuzzies:)
We all need varying amounts of safety and security in our relationships. I can only speak as a married woman since that is what I am and I can only state my opinion as that is who I am. I can tell you the times that I felt safe and secure and the times that I have or do not. I suppose here lately I have been feeling a bit insecure about how we are doing. I am sure that it has a lot to do with our current situation, lack of face time, and may also be affected by some health issues that I am having.
The following goes against what I was taught growing up, but I truly believe that for me some of this is innately feminine. I am learning that letting my femininity shine allows my husband's masculinity to prosper. Although, I am still figuring out what femininity means to me.
Protected
Levi certainly isn't running out to slay dragons in real life, but he certainly slays metaphorical ones for me. It is very difficult for me to tell you that I have a huge need to feel protected. I am sure that we could argue about the reasons why it is so difficult for me to share that and why I feel weak when I say it, but I think for now, I will just stick with: it is what it is. Men aren't the only victims of the new world view. The world view that may work great in the workplace but wreaks havoc on marriage. But the bottom line is when I feel protected then I feel more safe and secure in my relationship. Here are some ways that Levi makes me feel protected.
One way is just him being there. I feel safer when he is around. Levi is not a large man...he is stronger than me, but we are the same height. None of that really matters...when he is beside me, I feel safer. When he is sleeping next to me, I sleep better. If he isn't there, then every noise strikes fear into my psyche and I wake up constantly. Once when Levi was out of town, I came tip toeing out of our bedroom with a mag light flashlight because I could swear there was someone at the back door and it was the darn ice maker. His presence is enough to help me feel protected and I sleep like a baby...I slept through a horrible thunderstorm the other day.
Another way he can make me feel protected is one he is hit or miss at. I feel protected when he is concerned for my safety. I have a friend whose husband does not let her go somewhere (get groceries, gas, etc.) at night or in bad weather by herself. Although it annoys her a bit, she has admitted to me that it makes her feel cared for. Levi has occasionally said something about me waiting until the next day to do something, but if I push to go, he relents. Since he does not read my blog...I will say that sometimes I am nervous about going places and wish he would insist on me waiting...then I would not feel guilty about not going...he would in essence release me from my guilt. Doesn't make sense to me either, but there it is.
He does care that I often forget or allow my phone to die. He gets rather annoyed with me when that happens, but otherwise doesn't say much. I know it bothers him and I don't mean to forget, but it happens rather often and I should probably work on that. He is very concerned that I will be stranded and not be able to reach him.
He can be protective when he feels like I am engaging in an unsafe activity, although, I don't often view them as unsafe. Such as climbing the counter to reach something instead of using a stool, putting my hand anywhere near the disposal, climbing a ladder, mowing in my flip flops, etc. I am stubborn and not exactly graceful so he might have a tiny little reason to worry. I often try to do things that I am not physically able to do because I don't like to ask for help, I like to be able to do everything myself, but I need him to tell me: "Move woman, let me get it." That makes me feel protected. I once spent two hours trying to fix something on my vacuum cleaner because I was too stubborn to wait for help and then I couldn't do it anyway. After two hours and a cut finger, I still had to ask him to fix it...which of course he did in five minutes.
Another way that I feel protected are the subtle body language things that Levi does. If we are walking along a street he puts me to the inside, if he needs to guide me he places his hand at the small of my back (sexy), he opens doors for me. Am I completely capable of not falling in the street, opening doors, etc.? Yes, but I like him to do these things. They make me feel protected. Do I expect them? No. But I get the warm fuzzies when they occur.
Silence feels like Indifference
Another way that I feel safe and secure in our relationship is when I have his undivided attention and this is a tricky one because it needs to be initiated by him to work. If I do the initiating in this then it doesn't help as much and here lately I am getting crickets. He is a man of few words, my dear Levi. But sometimes silence feels like indifference and I am left drifting. I want him to want to be with me. And I am not speaking sexually...he has no problem wanting me then:) I want him to care what I did that day, or want him to take my hand or snuggle on the couch. I want him to tell me about his day and what he wants to do on vacation. You know when you first get together with someone and you spend hours talking about your dreams, goals, and who knows what. I want that....I know, I know...hours is not realistic...I just want 20 minutes a day. Is that too much to ask? Maybe, but when it does happen...I float...hmmmm...how to explain that....like I feel lighter, and better able to face the world when I know that he wants to know me.
Don't listen to what I am saying, but figure out why I am saying it
So this really isn't fair...poor, poor man...how often do we wish our men would see what we are really trying to say. I have a tendency when I am stressed, nervous, or worried to harp on something and sort of, well, FREAK OUT! My poor Levi has not quite figured out how to handle this one and quite honestly, I am just now realizing myself what I need in this situation.
I need reassurance...plain and simple. I need him to tell me, "Stop, come here." I need him to take me in his arms and say, "Everything is going to be alright." "We will figure this out...together." I need him to recognize that I am scared and stop the tirade before it gets out of hand.
And in This Corner
I need to know that Levi is on my side. There are some battles that I must fight myself, but I need to know that Levi is in my corner, that he will be my cheerleader when I am facing adversity and be willing to step in and say, "Enough." when he feels that I need it.
I need him to recognize when I have said "yes" to too much and suggest that I scale back. I need him to recognize when I am exhausted and still trying to keep up and help me out.
One of the hottest things he ever did for me happened one day when he arrived home from work to me cooking dinner while a little one was wrapped around one leg, arguing with the oldest over homework and trying to get the middle child to do something. He came in and went straight to the bedroom. I kept thinking, "Seriously, do you not see that I need help?!" He came into the kitchen a few minutes later, removed the little one from my leg, and grabbed my hand...I was thinking, "Hello, I am trying to cook dinner here...you cannot seriously think...." My thoughts were interrupted by the sight of my bathtub filled with warm bubbled water and he told me to get in and he would finish dinner and deal with the kids. After I got over the guilt of relaxing...I enjoyed the bath immensely:) He knew that I was about to lose it and gave me what I needed...he is not often this perceptive.
This post sort of got away from me and I am sure that as soon as I hit publish I will think of even more ways that I feel "safe" as that always seems to happen to me. How do you feel "safe"?
Oops..forgot to add this video...I love this song:) I hope you like it too.
March is almost over and I have not sent out any questions to my fellow bloggers for Q and A month. I have been thinking long and hard about what I wanted to ask and I have so many questions that I had to sort of narrow it down. I almost let March pass me by, I thought so long.
It has been 6 months (5 for the blog) since I began this journey to surrender, defer, red pill in reverse, ttwd, fulfill traditional roles, let go of control, whatever you want to call it and I am reminded of that commercial that used to be on tv when I was growing up for Chloraseptic:
It does sting a bit to swallow this information that I am taking in. Sometimes I would like to regurgitate it and just go back to the way things were. I certainly felt hurt less. It is not always pleasant, but I can already see a difference in myself and my marriage. No pain, no gain as it were. I have a problem though...I don't feel like Levi is all that keen on swallowing much of anything. Sure, he likes what I have been doing and I do see growth in a few areas.
I rarely pick up the "pants" and usually only when I have to because he is unavailable...the whole first officer taking the bridge while the Captain is doing whatever it is that they do. It is getting easier to hand them back, but I still find that they lay there a lot. I find that I wish that he was taking this leadership role more seriously? or is it that I expected him to be able to fulfill the role faster? I don't know, maybe I am still trying to control things, but here is my question (and I would really appreciate if you ladies would ask your men as well as they may be better equipped with helping with the male ego):
(Let me clarify for any red pill folks reading this: I have read the book...Levi has not. I have explained the gist of it and he knows it is available but he has not opted to read it)
Is there anything that I can do to help my husband be a better leader? or want to lead? or help him to understand that I need it?
Let me explain a little more. Now that I defer to him and have "surrendered" I need his leadership more than when I just controlled and did everything. I need to know that he is equally vested, that he wants this role and is acting in our best interests. Am I not giving him enough time to adjust? Am I expecting too much? I can't exactly walk up to him and say...Can you lead more?
Here are some things that I have put in practice:
Moved Levi to the head of the table
Let Levi drive (I always used to drive...cause I love driving)
Greet him at the door at night
Kiss him goodbye in the morning
Never say no to sex
Stay quiet when the kids ask something to allow Levi a chance to answer them
Dress up at least a few times a week with makeup/skirt or dress
Ask him what he thinks about things before I just do them
When he shares an idea I say whatever you think (unless I have a serious objection)
I write in a notebook if I need to share serious things with him so that I have time to think about what I will say
I wish he would take more interest in our relationship. I feel like I have done everything that I can do. But maybe I am missing something. I find that it does take him time to adjust to things because he likes to think a long time about them. I can feel my resentment growing though and I truly believe that resentment can be poisonous to a relationship. If you have any thoughts, I would appreciate it...be honest...I can't grow without a little growing pains.
