Thar she blows, Captain!...or maybe not

To say I saw it coming is a bit of an understatement.  Everyone had such wonderful advice on my last post...well, I guess more accurately Wilma had great advice and everyone seconded it:)  And I really tried to relax this weekend.  We had plans that we couldn't change but it was nice family time.  After completing a few errands, we decided to go home to eat lunch.  I asked if we could stop and pick up a soda.  He said no.  I was a bit shocked, but thought perhaps he was worried about money, or my health, or maybe had something up his sleeve for lunch...like going out or something.  So we arrived home (no special something there) and I was a bit upset.  He wanted to know what we had to drink for lunch...uh, nothing.  I asked why he didn't want to get a soda.  Again I was expecting the money or health issue.  He said he forgot...that he had been kidding and he had meant to stop to get me a soda.  I really wasn't buying that so I asked why he had said no to begin with. 

He said: "There wasn't anything in it for me." (he was quite serious here)

I said: "I'm sorry, what?" (in a very quite voice)

Now, in my head there was a battle raging.  Firstly, I am sitting there thinking...I am getting this upset over a soda.  But it really wasn't the soda...this phrase right here....hurt...badly.  This is how I have been feeling lately.  And he was able to put it into words for me. 

He ran off to run another errand and I said..."That really bothers me", before he left.  That was all I could manage.  I couldn't decide whether to throw something, cry, or blow it off.  I couldn't think I was so upset.  I had to close myself off in a room so I could compose myself without the kids seeing me lose it.  Now, in Levi's defense...he brought me home a soda.

I am struggling STILL with what to do when the Captain is WRONG.  I want to be respectful and not end up making things worse with the words I choose to use, but what do you do with THAT statement.  My Captain does not like to be wrong...ever...so needless to say that he does not handle it well when someone points it out.

"Poison & Wine"

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will [x7]
I always will [x5]

 

Before you all worry that I don't love Levi, let me reassure you that that is far from the truth.  I really think that this song is metaphorical.  I think it describes how we sometimes feel in our marriages and the struggle we have with each other when the other is driving us bananas.  I think it describes exactly this sort of communication break down.  I had a choice...my mouth could be poison or it could be wine. If only I could just calm myself down a bit.  How could I make him understand how he was making me feel.  I knew I couldn't "turn my back" this time.

 

I called and got us a babysitter so that we could go to dinner.  I figured, hey, in a public place things couldn't get too ugly. But I knew (after talking to a friend and making sure that I wasn't just hormonal and that I did have a reason to have a long talk with Levi) that if I didn't, that things could get ugly quickly. 

 

Here is how our conversation went at dinner:

 

When you said "There wasn't anything in it for me." I heard: "Your needs aren't important.  Only my needs are important." I have felt lately like I am doing a lot for you and for the house and family.  I have been doing this because I love you and the kids and want you not to be any more stressed than you already are with everything going on.  I know that you are working very hard for us, but I can't do this if you don't even care about how I am doing.

 

Stunned silence.

 

Then he said he was sorry and that is not what he meant by it.  He told me that he does care what I need and how I am doing.

 

I told him I need to see that.

 

 

I am seeing it and it is like water in the desert.  I am lapping it up.

 

I need him.  I need him to care about the decisions made and not just leave everything to me.  I need to know that he loves me.  I want him to want me...(to quote another song:)) not just sexually...he gets that...I need to know that he wants to be with me and not just that I am that chick at home that does his laundry, takes care of his kids, and has sex whenever he wants.  I want him to share himself with me and not close himself off.  I want to have fun with him and laugh together.  We are both so exhausted and things around here are so crazy, but we have to figure out how to live and support each other in the moment...stress or no stress. 

 

I asked a fellow blogger (I am not sure if it is ok if I share who...please tell me if it is) last week how they were staying so positive in the face of adversity and if they had any tips.  They had such excellent advice that I wanted to share...They said: "Don't get sucked into the blame or resentment cycle as it does no one any good. DO NOT take out your frustrations on each other. Just try and support each other through this time and connect as often as you can. We are capable of surviving and even thriving in difficult conditions but do your best to have a positive mindset."

 

 

I got a light bulb.  I am usually a VERY positive person...even annoyingly so.  I have always been a glass half full sort, but the big R had taken over my thinking...Resentment had festered and I knew that I had to let it go.  Resentment was the fuel to my cauldron.  Is it completely gone?...no, but I am getting there.  We had a great date and Sunday we had family time and I had some girl time.  It was what the doctor ordered.  I am feeling better today and can see the progress that I am making around the house...we are but weeks away from selling...I know that it will get crazy again, but I am trying to stay positive and I vow to share how I am feeling with Levi and try not to hold on to resentment.