I am THAT one in the group. I am the one that people call and ask for advice. I have NO idea why other than the fact that I never laugh at them? Maybe? I don't consider my advice wise...half the time I just prescribe wine. TMI is not really in my vocabulary, though, so I often get and give sex advice.
So I had a friend who called me to tell me how grumpy and stressed her husband had been lately and wanted to know if I had any advice on how to cheer him up.
Seriously, this is easy.
So I asked her...how long has it been since you had sex?
Um...Uhh....
Sweetie, if it is taking that long to remember, then it has been too long...Jump him. I am quite certain his mood will improve.
And you know what? She called me the next day. Voila, husband is a happy camper.
Hmmm....I have been a bit grumpy lately and feeling like roommates so maybe I should take my own advice...this has been a low couple of weeks for some reason. Thinking I should jump Levi...yep, sounds like a plan.
Have a lot going on and may not be around this week, so I hope you all have a lovely holiday.
My advice to you this week? Lighten up and have sex...and wine...improve the mood in your house:)
I am coming to realize something, something I knew was coming, but was not prepared to happen so quickly.
My days of swing pushing, lego building, and hand holding are coming to a close. My little boy is growing up. Of course my job is not over and never will be, and although he still needs me as a mother and there are still things for me to teach him, he needs Levi more now.
I can't teach my son how to be a man.
What can I do? This is a difficult age for me as he transitions from a boy to a young man and I am having a bit of trouble with it. Certainly I can tell him how I think a man should behave, but I am not a man. I don't think or act like one, so he will be learning how to be a man and leader from his father.
Levi and I have talked a little about this and this is what we have come up with...do you have anything to add?
-I can show respect to Levi:
I should be doing this anyway...that is kinda the whole point of my blog (wink), but I am still learning exactly what it means. I realize now how important it is for me to model this for our sons and daughter. Speaking just about the oldest at the moment, it will be important for him to see how he should be treated so that he chooses someone that treats him with respect. I try not speak down to or criticize Levi. If I disagree with him and feel like something needs to be said then I do that away from the children. I try make my suggestions or ideas in front of the children in a respectful manner and not in a sarcastic or "duh" kind of way. I say "try" because this is nowhere near perfect yet, but I am improving.
-Treat our oldest with respect:
I am learning just how important it is that men (even little ones) need respect. This is a tough one though because as his parent and as an adult, I deserve respect as well. Looking for ways that I can show him respect. I am reading a book right now that is transforming my views of men. It is called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs...I plan on reviewing it at some point but for now I want to explain something that is revolutionary in my mind. I have always thought that respect was something you earned and I would argue that outside marriage and family, that is still the case. Dr. Eggerichs suggests that men need unconditional respect like women need unconditional love.
Unconditional.
I am practicing respectful disagreement, and treating our oldest with respect and still providing discipline...that is tough for me, but it is amazing how much easier he takes the discipline when it is dolled out in a respectful manner. Sure he still needs my love, but needs to feel respected also.
-Teach our oldest how to respectfully disagree and hear him out:
As our son gets older and he becomes a young man, I know that we will disagree about certain things. I am getting ridiculous attitude some days, but what I realized is that he disagrees with me. That in and of itself is fine, but he is not being respectful which sets me off and then I don't listen to what he is saying. He needs to know that he can disagree with me. It doesn't mean he will get his way. He needs to learn how to do that respectfully. I am coming into a time when he is more independent and will begin to choose things out of my control...boy! does that put my control monster into a tail spin!! He does have good ideas sometimes and I need to listen to his thoughts and give him ways that he could say it better. I believe this skill will help at school, work, and when leading his family. Because most interaction during the day is with me, I believe my roll in teaching this skill is important. I am trying not to shoot down every idea he gets because it doesn't fit into our schedule or my idea of how the day should go.
For example, he thought that they should go outside and play before he did his homework because it gets dark so quickly. I have a big rule that homework comes first. He was stomping around and being a twerp as kids do. I knew that if they did their homework first that they probably would not have time to go outside as it does get dark early, so I called him over to me and asked him what he was doing that was disrespectful to me. He mumbled..."dfksjghuirlgh." I am sorry I cannot understand what you said. "Stomping." Yes, how could you share your idea with me in a better way. He tried again and I corrected his tone. I said I understand what you are saying about it getting dark, but I am worried about you not finishing your homework. What could we do about that? (At this point I am thinking...this has to be the most difficult way to go about this...it better work!...I was a bit frustrated) I suggested a time limit and that if they could go out and come back in the first time called and do their homework without whining that we could try it out. This took a lot more dialogue than what I have written here. Homework had never been easier...he was like a little policeman with his little brother..."she is not going to let us do this again if you don't come in when she says", etc.
-Let him fail and face the consequences:
Oh boy this one is really hard for me. I know that I have talked before about my huge fear of failure...HUGE PEOPLE! I certainly don't want my children to fail either, but sometimes he needs to fail a bit in order to learn something. Teachable moments in a safe way and at a time that it will not effect the rest of his life. Sometimes this is as simple as when you don't bring your dirty clothes downstairs when I have asked you, then you go to school in pants you already wore this week. Then because I am already done with said laundry you will be doing your own. Sometimes it is a little more serious like when you don't organize your schoolwork, locker, bedroom, backpack and you can't find a paper that is due tomorrow then you miss out on something fun because you have to redo it or you get points taken off because it will be late. Or waiting until the last minute to do a project and expecting me to stay up and help you. Levi is probably going to have to sit on me for this one, kinda like when we let the kids cry it out a bit when they were babies:)
-Teach him to understand women (Levi will have to teach him to lead...I can only help him understand why women-even little ones-behave the way they do)
I see it already in his dealings with his sister...man this starts young. He wants to be on his own or play something that she can't...she is wailing that he doesn't love her and wails enough that he gives in...the men in this family are not helping me with this little girl...let me tell you! I pull him aside and tell him that it is good that he plays with his sister, but it is ok that he wants to do things sometimes that she can't and he needs to tell her that he is busy and can play in a little while. She will have to get over it. He can do this in a loving way and I tell him how. He does not like her to cry or get upset. I ask why do you think she cries and gets upset. She either a) wants to get her way and is able to with drama or b) is worried you don't like her and never want to play with her. He alleviates (b) by saying he will play with her at x time and then does so, and ignores the drama for (a) so that she will figure out it gets her nowhere. Kinda explains adult relations too, does it not?
Eye...opening.
-Give him opportunities to and encourage him to male bond
He is in scouts and I absolutely love the experiences that he has been able to have. Levi and him do it together and as he transitions with the older kids...it is male led and male only. I love this for him. Sure, I get nervous, but I have to suck it up and let him learn.
Ack, anyone have a glass of wine? I need a drink after this list.
So that is where I am at...I know that some of you are a season ahead of me in this, so tell me...what did you do to help your sons as they transitioned to young men? How did you help your spouse? And how many bottles of wine should I stock per week?
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and apparently I can't (as much as I want to believe it) do two things at once. I can't seem to blog when I am in thinking mode. Sure, I have been very busy lately, but that isn't the reason that I haven't been around. Oh and I could probably blame it on stress, or kids, or broken vehicles, or a myriad of other things, but the truth is I have been thinking.
I am a thinker. I seem to have to think something to death before I can decide on something, which can be extremely frustrating. I wish I was one of those people that can make a decision and just jump in with both feet. If you know someone like this, please be patient with them. I guarantee you they probably wish they could be different. I TRY to accept what just is, so I seem to stand on the sidelines, observe for a while, imagine myself there, go through all the possible what ifs, and finally decide on something. Sometimes I jump in and think, "Why did I take so long? This rocks!", and sometimes I think, "Oh Hell no, this is NOT what I thought." and proceed to jump right back out. And sometimes I walk away feeling like it isn't worth the risk or know that it wouldn't work for me.
I seem to be stuck. Oh yes, I am good and stuck. I have decided a few things...truths for myself. I suppose where I am stuck is what to do about it. The problem is that I have done a lot all by myself. Gosh I really hate it when people are vague, don't you?! This is why I can't seem to blog. I can't seem to share myself until I have it all worked out in my head, but isn't this what this is for? I can pour out my brain here and along the way I can figure it out. So, here is a bit of randomness that I can pour out. I can say that who knows if I will feel the same next week on some of these issues, but here is where I am at right now.
My marriage is important to me.
I am trying to be the best wife that I can be...it's exhausting.
Maybe I should just focus on being the best me that I can be.
Levi thinks it is strange that I am wanting to check in with our marriage.
I think he feels threatened.
What I can't seem to get across to him is that I love him.
I want us to have an amazing marriage.
I certainly understand that relationships have highs and lows.
Our marriage is good.
It's not great.
I am just trying to be connected, plugged in, hot for each other.
Kids...gotta love em...but they do get in the way a bit sometimes.
You are probably reading this and upset that I am saying the kids get in the way.
It's the truth whether I want to admit it or not...adorable they are and I wouldn't have it any other way.
But I have a fear of waking up one day and not knowing the man next to me.
(the man being Levi...just in case you aren't following me)
I can't follow myself sometimes...hence the thinking.
Do you ever get irritated when someone you disagree with on some things is right about other things?
Then you have to give someone credit for being right about something you thought was wrong.
Ugh.
Especially when you thought you were right?
Maybe you are still right, but just aren't giving it enough time?
Maybe you are just too focused on someone else?
Or maybe you are feeling an intervention coming and want to figure out what to say?
Yes, probably that other one.
Someone told me that me surrendering wouldn't work.
I will have to admit that he is partially right.
Surrendering "alone" won't work for us.
Not alone...by yourself...but alone...without someone else.
Follow me there?
No?
Let me try it this way.
I can't do marriage by myself.
I need Levi to do it to, to care, to plug in, to want us to be hot, to want us to be great.
I need him to want to do this with me, to want to be a better him for us.
I can only change myself, you say?
I shouldn't be focused on him being different, you say?
I should just keep trying, you say?
All true, I say.
After God, my marriage should be my priority.
Then kids, work, family, friends, interests, etc.
(keep in mind that this is for me...not judging you if you disagree)
Levi would like for things to just be like they are...what's wrong with where we are at?
Nothing really.
But why have a stale store bought chocolate chip cookie when you can have a warm, gooey, fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookie?
Sure, it's edible, but is it worth the calories.
Don't freak out here...some of you may be thinking...oh dear, she is going to leave him or something.
Cow Patty.
(That's a nice way to say something else, in case you didn't follow me there)
Just pourin' out my thoughts over hear if you made it this far.
Pat yourself on the back.
Squirrel (if you don't get this reference...watch Up)
Whenever I try to sign my name on a comment on my phone, my auto correct tries to write Bra instead of Bea...so if you ever get a comment from Bra...well, you know it is me.
Like that change of subject?
I am leaving you with a song...The Civil Wars rocks if you haven't heard them...their harmony is amazing and this is one of my favorite songs of theirs. They are not married to each other but are married and when asked what this song was about, they said it was about the ups and downs of marriage. (basically-paraphrasing here).
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Ooh, your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will, I always will, I always will
I always will, I always will
Apparently I was late for Love our Lurkers...if you lurk on my blog, I am sorry:) Just kidding...hopefully you will come out and say hi sometime.
I love stained glass windows. Not only are they a beautiful work of art, but because of the nature of the small pieces of glass, they are such a contradiction. They are very fragile and require care and restoration, yet when properly cared for, they can last for centuries.
This work of art is one of my favorites. I took an art history class in college and we learned about art in the early cathedrals of Europe. This is the "Bishop's Eye" located in Lincoln Cathedral in Lincoln, England. The cathedral was consecrated in 1092 and the window was added later. The window dates to the 1300s, although was broken by soldiers during war times and rebuilt in 1788 using broken pieces of glass from other windows in the cathedral. I love the half circles that touch in the middle and the heart shapes throughout and most of all I love that it was built from something broken.
Why in the world am I talking about stained glass windows? Well, it has been a while since I have used a metaphor for my marriage, and something happened this weekend that can be illustrated by the fragile strength of this beautiful stained glass window.
I have shared with you all before that certain events in our marriage threatened it close to the breaking point. We were able to put the pieces back together in a way that it was stronger and more beautiful than before. There are still weak points. The glass itself can be weak like the weaknesses in our character or our relationship or outside forces like temptation or negativity can act upon the glass and cause it to shatter. Picking up the pieces is a long and arduous process. One must decide if it is worth it or if you should just get a new window. But what if you could have a window that looks like this beautiful stained glass window when you were done, even if it took years and constant restoration. It would be worth it, right?
There are still weak points, still little pieces of glass that are broken and need to be replaced, but the window stands the test of time. It's strength lies in the glue that is holding it all in place. It all comes down to how strong the cement/lead/stone is that holds the glass together and that must also be restored and watched carefully.
It truly is a work of art...one that has this fragile strength.
It reminds me of marriage. We all have weak points. And we don't live in a vacuum. We will constantly be bombarded by outside forces.
Maybe there was a little rock that weakened the glass and because it was ignored over time the glass continued to get weaker until you have a large crack that threatens the integrity of the glass. These are those little things that you just try to let go and never talk about. Pretty soon you think that you have forgotten about it, but it has grown and festered into something that threatens your relationship.
Maybe life's storms were relentlessly pounding on you and your were left with large dents and cracks all over...leaving you overwhelmed with the repairs. Maybe you lost your job, lost a child, infertility, your house was foreclosed on, you struggle with depression, or any other of life's hail. The strength of your marriage is threatened and hopefully it will hold up to the onslaught.
Sometimes you think you have fixed the glass and have a good seal only to realize when it rains that it leaks, slowly destroying. Things like resentment and lack of forgiveness seep in without you realizing it.
Maybe someone took a hammer to your glass and shattered it in one fell swoop. These are those things like infidelity, addiction, abuse. Sometimes the damage is so bad that you just can't fix it. If you are able to fix it then you are understandably nervous around hammers.
You have to take care of your glass. You have to keep it clean, you have to check for weak spots constantly and repair damaged or weak areas. You can't ignore your glass or over time it will fall to pieces. Once it starts to fall into disrepair, it is harder to fix. These are like the times that you hear about couples that when the children leave the house, they realize that they have not taken care of their marriage.
Then you have the arduous task of trying to put it all back together into something beautiful or giving up and deciding that it just isn't worth it.
Just remember that this beautiful piece of fragile strength was rebuilt from broken pieces. And although not as impressive from the outside...
On the inside, when the light shines through, all the colors come together to truly make something beautiful for you and your spouse to enjoy for your whole lives.
I hope that Levi and I are constantly watching for weak spots, caring for our marriage, restoring and changing what doesn't work, weathering the storms, creating strong seals, not ignoring those underlying problems that cause damage when ignored. I would say that our weekend issues were just a slight windstorm. Nothing appears to be damaged, but wind can quickly turn into an issue if it isn't dealt with. Marriage has such a fragile strength. I hope that yours is strong today, but remember that the fragility is a beautiful thing too. There is a power in the constant restoration.
I have learned a lot in the last year and am quite sure that I have a long way to go. Thanks for the encouraging words and friendship along the way.
Things I have learned:
This Blog is for Me...and You:
That even though there are times that I hit publish and think..."why in the world did I publish that!" and get the urge to hit delete, that these are feelings I have. For example, my last post has really been bothering me. I wrote it last week and hoped that I would be able to talk to Levi about some things over the weekend and just couldn't. The time never seemed right...oh, who am I kidding...I just couldn't find the words. Reading it today makes me feel a bit ashamed. I fully realize how blessed I am to be able to do the things that I do. But the feelings are real, the guilt is real, I am not perfect and you know what...other people need to know that too. They need to know that they are not alone in their feelings and maybe seeing how I process things might help someone else. It is good to feel that you are not alone in the world.
From Cactus to Succulent:
So when I started this blog, I had come to the realization that I was a cactus...especially in my marriage. I would protect myself by poking him if he got too close...whether it was with my words or my attitude. The poking was often motivated by fear. Whether it was fear of unmet needs, loss of control that wasn't mine to begin with, fear that if I didn't take care of something that it wouldn't get done the right way and more. I often thought I was "helping" Levi by telling him how to do things. One of the first things that I did was decide not to tell him how to drive and to let him drive unless he asks me to...no directions, no sucking in my breath when I think he should brake...nothing. Now sometimes that meant that I had to close my eyes or stare out the side window, but I actually enjoy him driving now and it was an easy way to show him what I am doing. I also decided to be silent if I couldn't think of a nice way to say something. My "Thumper" rule. That one is harder but I can honestly say that I am no longer a cactus (most of the time), but there are still major walls that should come down. I would say that I am a bit thick skinned around Levi and am not fully vulnerable. Some of that is work that he needs to do to be quite honest. I can't do everything alone. So I guess I am a succulent plant...one with very thick skin who doesn't take in much water, but at least doesn't poke you. Someday I hope to be the beautiful bloom that I am supposed to be.
His Pants, her...pants?:
My whole goal at the beginning of this journey was to surrender the pants in the family to their rightful owner. For a while, I put down the pair of pants completely. I wanted to make sure that Levi knew and understood that I was serious. I really want him to lead this family. I am doing better, but I suppose my expectations are not exactly reality. I still have pants on. They are girly pants I suppose, but not fully a skirt either. I realize that may not make any sense to you, but it does to me. Levi is a bit reluctant in certain areas to lead. I don't know what to do about that or how to get him to at least give me input as to his wants in certain areas, so that it feels more like he delegated, than the separation I feel when I am in charge of this and he is in charge of that. I feel like in certain areas he just wants me to do it, but I don't know what he wants and often feel overwhelmed...the areas we need to work on are finances and the kids. At least he is wearing pants...we'll get there.
Submission/Silence not synonymous:
When I first started this journey to being my husband's help meet or trying to surrender or being submissive or whatever else you want to call it, I thought that being submissive was pretty close to being silent. I think that the reason I thought that, was that I needed to be silent for a while. Let me explain. I had manipulated and unknowingly steam rolled over my husband for so long that he did not want to pick up those pants that I was giving up. I had to be silent for a while so that he would gain the confidence to pick up the pants, let alone put them on. I always thought that submission meant that I would have to give up my hopes and dreams. Well, that isn't how it works at all is it? At least not for me. Submission is not a cake walk. It has been well worth it in the areas that I have been successful at it. At first I exaggerated the submission in order to make Levi realize what I was trying to do. I have slowly begun to carefully voice my opinions. It is difficult because I want to make sure that I am being respectful. You would think that that would be an easy thing to do, but most times I didn't realize that I was being disrespectful in the first place. It doesn't help that Levi does not share when he is feeling disrespected so that leaves me feeling unsure and unsteady. I need him to lead me.
Default Yes:
This is a highly debated topic and one that I have looked at from every angle to come to my conclusion. But what it boiled down to is my faith. Here is my take on it for what it is worth. Sex is extremely important to Levi. When I say no to him, I reject him...even if I am only rejecting the sex. I have decided to always say yes. Now whether that means that we have actual intercourse or not is debatable...sometimes that just isn't going to happen even if both of us want to. Am I always totally into it and enthusiastic?...no. Some argue that maybe women should not say yes all the time when their spouse isn't "doing it" for them so that they will learn, yet those same people are irritated if women use sex as punishment or to get what they want. Does anyone else see the problem there? That won't work for me...the lines are too blurry and I don't trust myself not to turn it into manipulation. So I will always say yes. Saying no in marriage is a bad habit that is too easy to slide into. Levi has told me that he doesn't even mind if I say no anymore because he knows that I will say yes 99.9% of the time. I told him that I won't say no, but he knows when I am not all that interested. What finally made my decision for me was my faith. God says I should not say no and neither should he...so there you go.
I am excited about our growth in the next year...hopefully you don't mind me sharing with you.
So, I had wanted to publish all these posts in one week, but I had a crazy week and it just wasn't going to happen. Here is the conclusion to my growth over the last year as it relates to femininity.
I remember when we first got married that Levi would occasionally get frustrated at how long it would take to get ready to go out on the weekends. At most, it was probably only and hour and a half. As children came along it was difficult for me to squeeze in a shower, let alone really do all the "extra stuff", as I liked to call it. As the kids are getting older, it is getting easier for me to take some time on my appearance. I haven't heard Levi complain yet. I haven't talked to him so I don't know if he even realizes that he used to complain about my going out preparation. Although, that probably didn't have much to do with my lack of effort as much as the kids did.
But husbands, here is some advice. If you want your wife to work on her femininity, dress nicer, wear make up, fix her hair, etc. then you need to allow her the time. That doesn't mean that she can take all day or that if you tell her reservations are at 6 and she doesn't start getting ready until 5:30 that you can't be irritated. But if she needs to start getting ready at 4, then help a girl out. Watch the kids, pick up the babysitter, and most importantly, compliment her efforts. If she has just started trying to dress nicely for you and to be honest even if she always dresses nicely, she may be feeling very insecure. She may wonder if the outfit she chose is appropriate or if her hair that she tried to fix in a new way is sexy or just a messy mop.
If you don't say anything, and she has put forth extra effort
she will think negatively about the way she looks.
You are the most important mirror in your wife's life! Whether she wants to admit it or not. Don't take that lightly. This is a very important way that you can love her.
Find at least one specific thing to compliment...not just "you look nice" or empty compliments.
Some examples:
"Babe, you look hot in that skirt." with a little butt grab for effect.
"Beautiful" while staring at her and holding her face.
"Can't wait to mess up that hair later." wink, wink.
We will eat it up. Right, ladies?
When I started surrendering, I began to look for obvious ways of handing over the pants in the family. One of the things that I read from other ladies is that they would dress like the lady of the house and that would help them to remember who the leader, the captain, the head of household and the man was.
Why am I trying to be more feminine?
I do it because God told me to.
I don't go to church every Sunday, but I live by faith. When I asked what I could do to make our marriage better...I have no doubt in my mind that he led me here. He leads me still.
I do it for Levi.
He seems happier and more attracted to me when I dress like a woman. It doesn't mean that I always do, nor does he expect it, but he appreciates my efforts.
I do it for me.
I feel better about myself when I am "put together". Even when I wear my jeans, if I have jewelry, a little makeup, and my legs are shaved, then I am going to feel better than if I just rolled out of bed to put them on.
I do it for us.
Dressing and acting more femininely reminds me to be submissive. It reminds me that I truly do want Levi to lead and helps me to remember to give up the control and criticism cycle. It makes me feel vulnerable...in a good way, which then leads to me being a good wife, help meet, and first officer. When I act in a more feminine way, Levi comforts and treasures me in a way that is different. I am not sure that I can explain it. I feel...cherished.
Applying these things to my life has been more important than losing that extra twenty five pounds that I need to lose. Certainly, I will still work on that goal and part of the reason that I didn't try to dress up, etc. was influenced by my not liking how I look and wanting to hide in my sweat pants.
This is a message for the ladies...if your husband tells you that you look beautiful...even if you don't think you look beautiful...believe him. Say thank you. Be coy and flirtatious. I have learned over this last year that my ignoring or denying Levi's compliments was disrespectful, disheartening, and unattractive to him. I was insulting his taste. I was saying that I didn't trust his opinion. I was pointing out imperfections that he didn't see.
I have learned a lot this year and will be telling you more in the coming weeks as I near my one year blogiversary. I still have a long way to go, but I feel so amazing about how far I have come. I think back, and if someone had told me last year that I needed to be more feminine...I would have spouted off something about how I don't have to dress like a woman or act like one, yet I would still be expected to be treated like one. But if I had been honest with myself, there was a part of me that felt like I wasn't being true to who I was supposed to be.
