I have been taking the kiddos to the library lately and checked out a book called His Needs, Her Needs for Parents by Harley. I had heard of His Needs, Her Needs:Building an Affair Proof Marriage in Sunday School. I have never read the original book, but picked up this one in hopes of learning something new to apply to our marriage with very busy kiddos.
His Needs, Her needs is basically about the fact that all of us have very similar emotional needs in relationships but when men and women are asked to rate the importance of these needs they are very different. Our priorities are completely different...in general, of course, as there are always exceptions. According to Harley, women's highest needs include affection, conversation, family commitment, etc. Men's highest needs include sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, and an attractive spouse, etc. He describes everyone as having a love bank that your spouse is either making deposits or withdrawals in, due to their behavior or lack of fulfilling your needs. He talks about love busters as being things that make withdrawals in our emotional bank accounts, such as disrespect, selfish demands, angry outbursts, etc. and therefore we make our spouse lose their love for us or become less lovable. He also suggests something called the Policy of Joint Agreement where basically both you and your spouse are supposed to be enthusiastically in agreement before a decision can be made. So that is a very brief description of His Needs, Her Needs and the for Parents version he does go over all of this again in a shortened way but then talks about what happens when you add kids to the mix.
I have some big problems with a lot of the things Harley talks about in the book.
1. First of all, I am a statistics girl...He says that almost always, each gender lists these needs in a particular order. How many people did he ask? What were the variations in answers? etc. Maybe he goes over this in the original book, but I like my evidence not just someone making huge assumptions. Plus I think that you should ask your spouse what is most important to them and not make assumptions yourself.
2. I think that both you and your spouse coming to enthusiastic agreement on EVERY SINGLE DECISION is completely UNREALISTIC.
3. He suggests that you spend quality time with your spouse in order to fulfill a wife's need for conversation and a husband's need for recreational companionship...okay, sounds good. He suggests 15 HOURS!! Then in order to make sure that you are being a good parent and fulfilling a wife's need for family commitment and a husband's need for domestic support you should spend another 15 HOURS as a family spending quality time together. He had rules for this to: couple time is completely without kids and sex does not count. Family time is focused quality time...pretty sure going to the movies together would not count.
4. Also, he alludes to the dangers inherent in having a hobby that does not include your spouse. You should not have a hobby that your spouse is not doing with you. Quit all those hobbies that the other person doesn't like and choose all your interests together...What? Say What?
5. The Love Bank thing sounds good, but I think that I would be obsessing about making sure that I was making deposits so that Levi would continue to find me lovable...doesn't sound healthy to me. Sounds codependent.
6. He has a very cynical view of the possible success of blended families. I have seen many blended families prosper...to be so negative is not helpful.
So what good came from reading the book...cause I always try to find something that I can use.
1. It is very interesting to see how men and women think and feel differently. I am not sure that I learned anything new, but a reminder that my husband has different primary needs than myself is helpful.
2. The Love Busters and Love Bank seemed overcomplicated for what it was, but I gleaned a little information from it. Don't be rude, selfish, disrespectful, or annoying. Got it. Do things for my spouse that will fill his Love Bank...have sex, do fun stuff with him, cook dinner. Got it.
3. 15 HOURS! I just can't get over this one...Okay, I understand that he is trying to get you to spend more time together, which I would love. You don't want to become passing ships and wake up one day and have nothing to say to each other. But this guy surely doesn't have three children, right? Then I read his run down of his time...8 hours for sleep, 8 hours for work, 1 hour for drive time, to him leaves plenty of time for our quality time. Here is the problem or problems: Levi works more than 8 hours a day. His drive to work is an hour so his total commute is 2 hours...hey, it is better than the four he was doing before we moved. And meal time and childcare alone takes up most of the rest of the day. I talked to Levi about this guys time requirement, and after he got over the initial shock of thinking this guy has lost his marbles and surely my lovely wife does not think this is possible, he saw the merit in being more intentional about spending time together. We decided that we could try for 7 hours with the occasional week of a whopping 10...go us! He could also see that being intentional about spending quality time with the kids is important. That one is a lot easier for us as we do a lot as a family. We can very easily meet the 15 hours there.
4. Be careful when enjoying hobbies that don't include your spouse to guard yourself from getting too close to someone of the opposite sex that enjoys the same hobby as you...completely agree. Don't leave yourself open to temptation and opportunity. I think it is completely healthy to have a hobby for yourself, but I think you should carefully balance those with hobbies that you and your spouse can enjoy together.
5. He says you should talk about your views of child rearing before you have kids. I say, just understand that once those kiddos come along that some of your best laid plans will be thrown out the window and you and your spouse will learn to make kiddo decisions on the fly. Cause you know...before you have kids you believe that YOUR kid will never be THAT kid that is throwing the fit in Target or having a meltdown in a restaurant. Good luck with that. But talking more about kiddo issues...good idea...got it.
So there you have it. My first book review. So if my choice is skip it, read it, buy it and give it to all your friends, too: I say skip it.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Can you give me a hand?
This is a short one, but I have some big posts coming up and wanted to throw this one out there to give you a laugh.
The other day I was making a dessert that required some constant action. I was mixing egg whites in a bowl and at the same time cooking some strawberries in a skillet with butter. I don't know who wrote this recipe but they must have had eight hands. I also set up my hand mixer away from the skillet so it is partially my fault, I suppose. I didn't want the strawberries to burn but I couldn't stop mixing. I asked Levi if he could loan me his hands. He said sure and came to help. Except he didn't help with what I expected. He came up behind me and put his hands on my boobs and lifted them a bit. "Better?" he says. Hysterical and out of character but I loved it:) I love it when he is playful like that...then he helped with dessert of course:)
The other day I was making a dessert that required some constant action. I was mixing egg whites in a bowl and at the same time cooking some strawberries in a skillet with butter. I don't know who wrote this recipe but they must have had eight hands. I also set up my hand mixer away from the skillet so it is partially my fault, I suppose. I didn't want the strawberries to burn but I couldn't stop mixing. I asked Levi if he could loan me his hands. He said sure and came to help. Except he didn't help with what I expected. He came up behind me and put his hands on my boobs and lifted them a bit. "Better?" he says. Hysterical and out of character but I loved it:) I love it when he is playful like that...then he helped with dessert of course:)
Friday, June 6, 2014
Goodbye...Hello
As I began to write this post, I couldn't help but think of the Beatles song:
I figure if the dang thing is going to be stuck in my head then it should be stuck in yours too...your welcome. Wow, those outfits...anyway.
I have realized that there is something ridiculously easy that I can do for Levi to make him feel respected and loved. Some of you will be shaking your head by the end of my little story wondering what the big deal was and others of you will understand. I hope there is someone that reads this that may more easily change some of their behavior to make their husband feel respected and loved too.
From the very beginning of our relationship, I had this obsession (okay, I confess, I still have it) with Levi saying goodbye to me in the morning. I would often still be in bed when he was headed out the door and would insist that he wake me up and kiss me goodbye. There were many times that I would call him in the morning when I awoke and he wasn't next to me. I would be upset that he didn't say goodbye, only for him to tell me that he did tell me goodbye, but I wouldn't wake up. That didn't surprise me as I often have entire conversations in my sleep. So every morning my dear Levi wakes me up (not a pleasant experience as I am NOT morning person) or stops my routine if I am already awake, and kisses me goodbye. Sometimes it is a quick peck and others a nice long kiss that makes us both yearn for the times bk (before kids) when we could run back to the bedroom before heading off to our responsibilities. I love it, I crave it, and Levi delivers EVERY MORNING. He doesn't complain about it, he doesn't make excuses about why he can't do it, and I would imagine that some mornings when he is in a hurry and I am up and somewhere off in the house and he has to come searching for me that it may not always be convenient.
I read in a book or blog or church or something somewhere, can't remember where, that wives should greet their husbands when they come home from work. I did it for a while and then got lazy, got busy, wondered why I had to drop everything to say hello to him; I was in the middle of something for goodness sake. Oh yes, I made all kinds of excuses, complained in my head (thankfully not out loud), and just didn't do it if it wasn't convenient for me. How incredibly selfish! I still remember the first time that I met Levi as he was coming in the door to say hello...he thought something was wrong. Ouch. The kids greet him, the dog greets him, does it really matter if I greet him? I am typically making dinner or cleaning something or helping some kiddo with homework when he walks in the door. It is not always convenient to stop what I am doing to properly greet him. Properly that is...I always say hello, I don't completely ignore him for goodness sake, but I don't always go to him and kiss him hello. He has just worked his tail off for me and the kids all day. And I can't leave the dinner on the stove for 10 seconds to say hello? Wow, doesn't make you feel too good about yourself.
How did I come to this epiphany? It came to me one morning as Levi came all the way upstairs to find me buried in a closet helping one of the kids find their school shirt for Spirit Day, on a day that he was in a huge rush for a big meeting, to say goodbye and give me a kiss. That is when it dawned on me and I vowed to change for good. It isn't always easy, or convenient; but no matter what, I stop what I am doing whenever Levi gets home to properly say hello. The joy in his face lets me know that he likes it, the kids see how important Daddy is, and I can VERY EASILY show my love and respect for him, show him that I missed him, and make him feel important. He never asked me to. He never bugged me to. He never made me feel guilty about not doing it. But I can tell he likes it and I will happily continue to do it for the rest of our lives.
Goodbye...Hello.
I figure if the dang thing is going to be stuck in my head then it should be stuck in yours too...your welcome. Wow, those outfits...anyway.
I have realized that there is something ridiculously easy that I can do for Levi to make him feel respected and loved. Some of you will be shaking your head by the end of my little story wondering what the big deal was and others of you will understand. I hope there is someone that reads this that may more easily change some of their behavior to make their husband feel respected and loved too.
From the very beginning of our relationship, I had this obsession (okay, I confess, I still have it) with Levi saying goodbye to me in the morning. I would often still be in bed when he was headed out the door and would insist that he wake me up and kiss me goodbye. There were many times that I would call him in the morning when I awoke and he wasn't next to me. I would be upset that he didn't say goodbye, only for him to tell me that he did tell me goodbye, but I wouldn't wake up. That didn't surprise me as I often have entire conversations in my sleep. So every morning my dear Levi wakes me up (not a pleasant experience as I am NOT morning person) or stops my routine if I am already awake, and kisses me goodbye. Sometimes it is a quick peck and others a nice long kiss that makes us both yearn for the times bk (before kids) when we could run back to the bedroom before heading off to our responsibilities. I love it, I crave it, and Levi delivers EVERY MORNING. He doesn't complain about it, he doesn't make excuses about why he can't do it, and I would imagine that some mornings when he is in a hurry and I am up and somewhere off in the house and he has to come searching for me that it may not always be convenient.
I read in a book or blog or church or something somewhere, can't remember where, that wives should greet their husbands when they come home from work. I did it for a while and then got lazy, got busy, wondered why I had to drop everything to say hello to him; I was in the middle of something for goodness sake. Oh yes, I made all kinds of excuses, complained in my head (thankfully not out loud), and just didn't do it if it wasn't convenient for me. How incredibly selfish! I still remember the first time that I met Levi as he was coming in the door to say hello...he thought something was wrong. Ouch. The kids greet him, the dog greets him, does it really matter if I greet him? I am typically making dinner or cleaning something or helping some kiddo with homework when he walks in the door. It is not always convenient to stop what I am doing to properly greet him. Properly that is...I always say hello, I don't completely ignore him for goodness sake, but I don't always go to him and kiss him hello. He has just worked his tail off for me and the kids all day. And I can't leave the dinner on the stove for 10 seconds to say hello? Wow, doesn't make you feel too good about yourself.
How did I come to this epiphany? It came to me one morning as Levi came all the way upstairs to find me buried in a closet helping one of the kids find their school shirt for Spirit Day, on a day that he was in a huge rush for a big meeting, to say goodbye and give me a kiss. That is when it dawned on me and I vowed to change for good. It isn't always easy, or convenient; but no matter what, I stop what I am doing whenever Levi gets home to properly say hello. The joy in his face lets me know that he likes it, the kids see how important Daddy is, and I can VERY EASILY show my love and respect for him, show him that I missed him, and make him feel important. He never asked me to. He never bugged me to. He never made me feel guilty about not doing it. But I can tell he likes it and I will happily continue to do it for the rest of our lives.
Goodbye...Hello.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Minimalism - The Delicates Drawer(s)
When I was moving and had to pack up half of my house in order to make it "show ready", I realized a few things: My home was a heck of a lot easier to clean, I didn't miss anything except family photos, and we have a ridiculous amount of stuff! Okay, so we aren't hoarders and you aren't tripping over stuff when you walk through the door (unless of course my children have left their shoes there...again), but our stuff is hidden. Be careful opening closets, drawers, and cabinets in my house. I can't be responsible for the consequences...consider yourself warned. Even though the mess is hidden, it makes things difficult to find and takes up time. I have decided that this summer I am going to choose a drawer or two every week and share with you my experience of trying to become more of a minimalist.
I have decided to start with my...ahem...delicate drawers. I have two drawers for my delicates...one for bras, panties, and shape wear (of which I only have one to wear under a particular dress) and one for socks and lingerie. I learned something new the other day on a trip to the bra store. I found a new bra store...they were having a two for one deal and I couldn't resist. I probably couldn't afford the dang things if not for being on sale. After trying on a few bras, I finally let the chick at the store "measure" me. I bet this is how men feel when they have their inseam measured...so weird. Anyway, she looks me over...awkward...runs off, returns, and brings me back...Heaven in a bra. I am serious, I hardly know that I have the thing on and the girls have not been this high up since high school...I can't see my feet! I was like a kid in a shoe store begging to wear the thing out of the store. They smiled knowingly...rather smugly...and said it happens all the time.
I then went to fold my bra in front of the store clerk and have never seen such a horrified face. I wondered what I possibly could have done and she said, "Oh sweetie, you are not supposed to flip your bra cups wrong side out together." Oooookay, why? She saw the question in my face and said that my bras have "memory foam" in them and it would break down over time if I flipped them, which is why the drawers at lingerie stores have the bras the way they do. Really, memory foam...like a mattress? She said that if you can put the cups the same direction to store that was fine...but "NO flipping." No flipping, got it. Unfortunately, I can't twist my bras to stack the cups as there is so much wiring, etc. that they probably need architectural plans. Makes me giggle to call these delicates...nothing about my bras are delicate (except for the memory foam apparently).
I arrive home and happily place my new bras in my drawer and decide to reorganize my bras so they are not "flipping out". I have decided that whoever made this silly rule does not wear a DD. There is hardly any room in here for my panties! They do look pretty though, and I can see them all which leads me to get rid of four of them that I haven't worn in forever...one is way too small, but I had kept it cause it was pretty (DD bras don't often come in "pretty", but the girls pop out if I bend over...not exactly graceful when you have to pop them back in in a crowd), one pokes me cause the under wire is coming out, one that was an emergency bra which hadn't been needed in years because it has no padding (which can no longer be worn post nursing unless I would like to become a public "thermometer" for cold weather) and the other only has one under wire cause it came out in the wash. Hello? Who is going to wear one under wire and one not...my boobs would look like they had serious issues.
Bras...check. Now, panties...which has been relegated to a 1/4 of the drawer as they used to occupy due to the now unflipped bras. I pull them all out and count them...40...yes, 40 pairs of panties...(why do they call them pairs...I never have understood it...you have two boobs and they don't call them a pair of bra...anyway)...who in the world needs forty pair of underwear? The really sad thing is that it was laundry day, so there was probably 7-10 pairs in the laundry!! So I throw out the too small, too big, holey, bad elastic, old, and just plain ugly and am able to get rid of 23 pairs of panties. Five are for special occasions...you know...the ones you wear for so short a time you wonder why you had to put them on. I may be able to get rid of a few more as I wear them...I know there are some in there that don't stay put, I just can't remember which ones. I solemnly swear to you all that they will go straight to the trash.
Bras, panties...check. Lingerie, uh, it has been a while since I have been through this drawer. I had 14 "outfits" and was able to get rid of 4. You know it is bad when you pull on the elastic and they creak and don't go back into place...yep, time to go. Then there were a few really beautiful ones from my honeymoon...14 years ago. 3 kids ago. From. my. 20s. Pre-nursing. There are just some things that aren't going to go back the way they were...realism comes as I near 40. Mourn and get over it.
Bras, panties, lingerie...check. Socks. 33 pairs of socks and remember the laundry...yep, probably some more in there. To some of you this may not seem like a lot, but considering I wear flip flops or sandals all but two months of the year...this is excessive. I have some fuzzy ones for winter, some long ones for boots, and a ton of trouser socks that I used to wear under slacks for work...have not taught in 10 years so yes, these socks probably wouldn't stay up if I wanted them too. Socks with holes go straight to the trash from the laundry so I don't have to worry about that but am able to get rid of 14 pair...well, 13 1/2...not sure where that other one is or why I have one sock in my drawer all by it's lonesome hoping the other will appear out of thin air. Keeping my daily, or workout socks as I like to call them, because that is pretty much the only time I wear them.
I figure I probably could survive with less and get rid of some more, but hey, baby steps, right? Now to tackle the kids underwear and sock drawers...if someone doesn't hear from me, tell Levi I am stuck in a closet.
I have decided to start with my...ahem...delicate drawers. I have two drawers for my delicates...one for bras, panties, and shape wear (of which I only have one to wear under a particular dress) and one for socks and lingerie. I learned something new the other day on a trip to the bra store. I found a new bra store...they were having a two for one deal and I couldn't resist. I probably couldn't afford the dang things if not for being on sale. After trying on a few bras, I finally let the chick at the store "measure" me. I bet this is how men feel when they have their inseam measured...so weird. Anyway, she looks me over...awkward...runs off, returns, and brings me back...Heaven in a bra. I am serious, I hardly know that I have the thing on and the girls have not been this high up since high school...I can't see my feet! I was like a kid in a shoe store begging to wear the thing out of the store. They smiled knowingly...rather smugly...and said it happens all the time.
I then went to fold my bra in front of the store clerk and have never seen such a horrified face. I wondered what I possibly could have done and she said, "Oh sweetie, you are not supposed to flip your bra cups wrong side out together." Oooookay, why? She saw the question in my face and said that my bras have "memory foam" in them and it would break down over time if I flipped them, which is why the drawers at lingerie stores have the bras the way they do. Really, memory foam...like a mattress? She said that if you can put the cups the same direction to store that was fine...but "NO flipping." No flipping, got it. Unfortunately, I can't twist my bras to stack the cups as there is so much wiring, etc. that they probably need architectural plans. Makes me giggle to call these delicates...nothing about my bras are delicate (except for the memory foam apparently).
I arrive home and happily place my new bras in my drawer and decide to reorganize my bras so they are not "flipping out". I have decided that whoever made this silly rule does not wear a DD. There is hardly any room in here for my panties! They do look pretty though, and I can see them all which leads me to get rid of four of them that I haven't worn in forever...one is way too small, but I had kept it cause it was pretty (DD bras don't often come in "pretty", but the girls pop out if I bend over...not exactly graceful when you have to pop them back in in a crowd), one pokes me cause the under wire is coming out, one that was an emergency bra which hadn't been needed in years because it has no padding (which can no longer be worn post nursing unless I would like to become a public "thermometer" for cold weather) and the other only has one under wire cause it came out in the wash. Hello? Who is going to wear one under wire and one not...my boobs would look like they had serious issues.
Bras...check. Now, panties...which has been relegated to a 1/4 of the drawer as they used to occupy due to the now unflipped bras. I pull them all out and count them...40...yes, 40 pairs of panties...(why do they call them pairs...I never have understood it...you have two boobs and they don't call them a pair of bra...anyway)...who in the world needs forty pair of underwear? The really sad thing is that it was laundry day, so there was probably 7-10 pairs in the laundry!! So I throw out the too small, too big, holey, bad elastic, old, and just plain ugly and am able to get rid of 23 pairs of panties. Five are for special occasions...you know...the ones you wear for so short a time you wonder why you had to put them on. I may be able to get rid of a few more as I wear them...I know there are some in there that don't stay put, I just can't remember which ones. I solemnly swear to you all that they will go straight to the trash.
Bras, panties...check. Lingerie, uh, it has been a while since I have been through this drawer. I had 14 "outfits" and was able to get rid of 4. You know it is bad when you pull on the elastic and they creak and don't go back into place...yep, time to go. Then there were a few really beautiful ones from my honeymoon...14 years ago. 3 kids ago. From. my. 20s. Pre-nursing. There are just some things that aren't going to go back the way they were...realism comes as I near 40. Mourn and get over it.
Bras, panties, lingerie...check. Socks. 33 pairs of socks and remember the laundry...yep, probably some more in there. To some of you this may not seem like a lot, but considering I wear flip flops or sandals all but two months of the year...this is excessive. I have some fuzzy ones for winter, some long ones for boots, and a ton of trouser socks that I used to wear under slacks for work...have not taught in 10 years so yes, these socks probably wouldn't stay up if I wanted them too. Socks with holes go straight to the trash from the laundry so I don't have to worry about that but am able to get rid of 14 pair...well, 13 1/2...not sure where that other one is or why I have one sock in my drawer all by it's lonesome hoping the other will appear out of thin air. Keeping my daily, or workout socks as I like to call them, because that is pretty much the only time I wear them.
I figure I probably could survive with less and get rid of some more, but hey, baby steps, right? Now to tackle the kids underwear and sock drawers...if someone doesn't hear from me, tell Levi I am stuck in a closet.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Hey Big Spender
I have a lovely new computer...so lovely, in fact, that I feel like I traded in a Pinto, wondering at any moment if it might blow up, for a Ferrari, that has so many bells and whistles that I can't start the car. I now have a Mac and am slowly learning how to use it considering that I have always used Windows. It is also a laptop which I have never had before. I tried to steer my dear Levi to get me a smaller screen, but he insisted on getting the larger one, which I will admit to you all that I am sure I will be happier with, but holy cow this thing comes with a mighty high price tag. And therein lies an issue that has been hanging around for a while.
Let me give you some background. I will try to keep it short. When Levi and I got married we were both employed and Levi paid the bills. I spent what I wanted and so did he. I didn't realize that I was overspending until finally one day Levi said that we were in debt. It wasn't much but I was worried. I had gotten into debt in college due to poor choices and roommate circumstances and had to humbly ask my parents for a loan which I did pay off. He also seemed stressed at the bill paying and money planning and I offered to take it over. He seemed relieved. Paying the bills changed my views of money and I became much more frugal which all in all helped our situation. We then made a few poor choices here and there, a couple that I had said we shouldn't make and they seem to add up. Then we moved for work and we decided that I would stay home with our young son.
Then our second child came along a few years later and we were in debt of about $5,000 plus cars and house. Kid 2 came by emergency c-section and had to spend time in the NICU. We had great insurance but we still paid over $6,000 out of our pocket. Then my oldest needed surgery. We owed nine different doctors/hospitals and had to pay each a little something every month. The problem was we were living paycheck to paycheck. We ended up having to use credit cards to live while paying off doctors. We finally paid all of our medical bills 18 months later and were left with about $10,000 in credit card debt.
I tried following the plan of many financial planners to pay off the highest interest cards first, but it was taking forever. Our high interest card was the one that had the most on it. Then I was invited to a class called Conquering Debt God's Way. Regardless of your religious beliefs this guy (Bruce Ammons) made sense. He said the problem with paying things off this way is that most people don't have an interest problem, they have a cash flow problem. He said to pay off the smallest debt first regardless of interest and then take the amount and apply it to the next highest debt, etc. He also had a lot to say about cutting your budget, working extra, and all around considering debt to be the enemy and declaring all out war on your bills. (He also had an awesome idea for owning your dream house and paying it off that would have been a lot easier had we started when we were young in case you are interested.)
In one year we had paid everything off but one car and our house. We were working on cushioning our savings and then it was time to move again. We bought some furniture on 0%. No biggie, we know that we will pay it off before it is due, but then we had to do some unexpected work on the house...again we qualified for 0% and it was stuff that had to get done. We usually pay cash for everything these days, so these payments were eating into our monthly cushion I like to keep for unexpected car repair, etc. And then the computer dies.
We could have paid to have it fixed but it is so old that it is no longer supported my Microsoft and would have required more than it was worth. Levi has always wanted a MAC for home. He has one for work and he was all for getting a MAC. My concern was the ginormous price tag. I get it, they are awesome. I shared my concerns and suggested buying a $300-400 laptop we could pay cash for and saving up for an Apple. He thought about it for a week and then we were in the Apple Store choosing a new computer. And now I am left with figuring out where this payment is coming from and make sure we pay it off before our 0% is up.
We can afford it, but I feel like these habits are sending us in a bad direction. I feel buried. I have asked Levi to help with the decisions that I am making. He does take care of retirement planning and 401K choices, 529s, etc. But the monthly budget, bill paying, and future planning (vacations, etc.) are all me. I have asked for help, I have threatened to just hand everything back to him, I have asked that we sit down once a month to just go over the budget, etc. He would say yes, but it never happens or if we do sit down he seems stressed and/or put out because I always have to force it. I don't even mind paying the bills. I just want his input. We don't really argue over money, he doesn't disagree with the choices that I make, but I feel weird telling him not to spend such and such or when we are buying something then I am the one that decides on what sort of financing we will be choosing. I feel like I am leading where money is concerned and I want him to be the leader of our home.
So what to do with my new big spender? Give up the bills and leave everything to him when he doesn't want it? Beat a dead horse and have the "talk" again about getting together to discuss finances on a regular basis? Print out a monthly report so that he sees where we stand and leave it on his pillow? Is it wrong of me to feel so stressed about this lovely "gift"? Is it really a "gift" to me or just him getting what he has always wanted wrapped in "I want you to have the best"?
Maybe I shouldn't let it stress me out so much, but I feel like we should have a solid budget so that history does not repeat itself. I can't come up with a way to communicate this to him. I have tried. He works very hard for the money we have and I am glad he trusts me to handle the money. I just want to talk about it. My Levi is a man of few words...words are superfluous to him...the fewer the better. I need to talk about things and through things in order to make decisions and process feelings. How can we come to some middle ground on this issue?
The good:
We don't argue about money which is one of the many reasons for divorce.
We agree on where the money should go most of the time.
We have to agree on something when spending over $100 on one item. (I have a friend whose husband comes home with huge purchases without consulting her and it causes a lot of stress on their marriage)
We don't impulsively buy
We don't hide purchases from each other
We share all accounts
The bad:
We don't really talk about money for the budget
We don't really talk about long term goals
We don't really talk about our plans for our future together
WE DON'T REALLY TALK
I have no idea how to solve this problem. Any thoughts or ideas are most welcome. I would appreciate words that will express to him the importance of this subject to me without coming across in a negative way. Sometimes I think that I am saying something well and it is coming across as disrespectful. I can tell by Levi's reaction but can't imagine what I have said that is wrong. I also may need some help with accepting his reluctance and pushing through that without getting my feelings hurt.
(I had some cute pics to put in this post, but couldn't figure out how to right click my "mouse", LOL)
Let me give you some background. I will try to keep it short. When Levi and I got married we were both employed and Levi paid the bills. I spent what I wanted and so did he. I didn't realize that I was overspending until finally one day Levi said that we were in debt. It wasn't much but I was worried. I had gotten into debt in college due to poor choices and roommate circumstances and had to humbly ask my parents for a loan which I did pay off. He also seemed stressed at the bill paying and money planning and I offered to take it over. He seemed relieved. Paying the bills changed my views of money and I became much more frugal which all in all helped our situation. We then made a few poor choices here and there, a couple that I had said we shouldn't make and they seem to add up. Then we moved for work and we decided that I would stay home with our young son.
Then our second child came along a few years later and we were in debt of about $5,000 plus cars and house. Kid 2 came by emergency c-section and had to spend time in the NICU. We had great insurance but we still paid over $6,000 out of our pocket. Then my oldest needed surgery. We owed nine different doctors/hospitals and had to pay each a little something every month. The problem was we were living paycheck to paycheck. We ended up having to use credit cards to live while paying off doctors. We finally paid all of our medical bills 18 months later and were left with about $10,000 in credit card debt.
I tried following the plan of many financial planners to pay off the highest interest cards first, but it was taking forever. Our high interest card was the one that had the most on it. Then I was invited to a class called Conquering Debt God's Way. Regardless of your religious beliefs this guy (Bruce Ammons) made sense. He said the problem with paying things off this way is that most people don't have an interest problem, they have a cash flow problem. He said to pay off the smallest debt first regardless of interest and then take the amount and apply it to the next highest debt, etc. He also had a lot to say about cutting your budget, working extra, and all around considering debt to be the enemy and declaring all out war on your bills. (He also had an awesome idea for owning your dream house and paying it off that would have been a lot easier had we started when we were young in case you are interested.)
In one year we had paid everything off but one car and our house. We were working on cushioning our savings and then it was time to move again. We bought some furniture on 0%. No biggie, we know that we will pay it off before it is due, but then we had to do some unexpected work on the house...again we qualified for 0% and it was stuff that had to get done. We usually pay cash for everything these days, so these payments were eating into our monthly cushion I like to keep for unexpected car repair, etc. And then the computer dies.
We could have paid to have it fixed but it is so old that it is no longer supported my Microsoft and would have required more than it was worth. Levi has always wanted a MAC for home. He has one for work and he was all for getting a MAC. My concern was the ginormous price tag. I get it, they are awesome. I shared my concerns and suggested buying a $300-400 laptop we could pay cash for and saving up for an Apple. He thought about it for a week and then we were in the Apple Store choosing a new computer. And now I am left with figuring out where this payment is coming from and make sure we pay it off before our 0% is up.
We can afford it, but I feel like these habits are sending us in a bad direction. I feel buried. I have asked Levi to help with the decisions that I am making. He does take care of retirement planning and 401K choices, 529s, etc. But the monthly budget, bill paying, and future planning (vacations, etc.) are all me. I have asked for help, I have threatened to just hand everything back to him, I have asked that we sit down once a month to just go over the budget, etc. He would say yes, but it never happens or if we do sit down he seems stressed and/or put out because I always have to force it. I don't even mind paying the bills. I just want his input. We don't really argue over money, he doesn't disagree with the choices that I make, but I feel weird telling him not to spend such and such or when we are buying something then I am the one that decides on what sort of financing we will be choosing. I feel like I am leading where money is concerned and I want him to be the leader of our home.
So what to do with my new big spender? Give up the bills and leave everything to him when he doesn't want it? Beat a dead horse and have the "talk" again about getting together to discuss finances on a regular basis? Print out a monthly report so that he sees where we stand and leave it on his pillow? Is it wrong of me to feel so stressed about this lovely "gift"? Is it really a "gift" to me or just him getting what he has always wanted wrapped in "I want you to have the best"?
Maybe I shouldn't let it stress me out so much, but I feel like we should have a solid budget so that history does not repeat itself. I can't come up with a way to communicate this to him. I have tried. He works very hard for the money we have and I am glad he trusts me to handle the money. I just want to talk about it. My Levi is a man of few words...words are superfluous to him...the fewer the better. I need to talk about things and through things in order to make decisions and process feelings. How can we come to some middle ground on this issue?
The good:
We don't argue about money which is one of the many reasons for divorce.
We agree on where the money should go most of the time.
We have to agree on something when spending over $100 on one item. (I have a friend whose husband comes home with huge purchases without consulting her and it causes a lot of stress on their marriage)
We don't impulsively buy
We don't hide purchases from each other
We share all accounts
The bad:
We don't really talk about money for the budget
We don't really talk about long term goals
We don't really talk about our plans for our future together
WE DON'T REALLY TALK
I have no idea how to solve this problem. Any thoughts or ideas are most welcome. I would appreciate words that will express to him the importance of this subject to me without coming across in a negative way. Sometimes I think that I am saying something well and it is coming across as disrespectful. I can tell by Levi's reaction but can't imagine what I have said that is wrong. I also may need some help with accepting his reluctance and pushing through that without getting my feelings hurt.
(I had some cute pics to put in this post, but couldn't figure out how to right click my "mouse", LOL)
Thursday, May 29, 2014
&!@? computers
Well, my stupid computer finally bit the dust. I asked Levi if I could take the darn thing outside and beat it with a baseball bat all office space style, but he advised that I might hurt myself. Sarcastic eyeroll. So, I am writing this post on my phone which is a major pain in the rear. And of course now that my computer is shot I seem to have time for and inspiration for posts. I have about 8 swimming around in my head.
I hope to have a new one soon, but Levi is a deep thinker and is taking his time making his decision on a new computer. It doesn't help that we disagree on the choices so I think he is doing what he should and weighing the options carefully. I have expressed my concerns and am awaiting his decision, but let's hope I can keep my impatient, bossy, snarky side calm, cool, and collected cause she is close to losing her $!&?.
Patience is a virtue...blah, blah, blah. I know, I know. I am on the first week of a yeast free, sugar free diet for health reasons (that is a whole other post) and I think I am having sugar withdrawals which is making me especially grumpy. I am a fun person to be around right now let me tell you. Let's hope that Levi makes his decision soon, shall we:)
I hope to have a new one soon, but Levi is a deep thinker and is taking his time making his decision on a new computer. It doesn't help that we disagree on the choices so I think he is doing what he should and weighing the options carefully. I have expressed my concerns and am awaiting his decision, but let's hope I can keep my impatient, bossy, snarky side calm, cool, and collected cause she is close to losing her $!&?.
Patience is a virtue...blah, blah, blah. I know, I know. I am on the first week of a yeast free, sugar free diet for health reasons (that is a whole other post) and I think I am having sugar withdrawals which is making me especially grumpy. I am a fun person to be around right now let me tell you. Let's hope that Levi makes his decision soon, shall we:)
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
You Don't Say?
What are you saying when you say nothing at all? Well, apparently my husband and I have incredible imaginations. The only disagreements that we have had lately have been the things we hear when we aren't saying anything. Say what?
Let me explain with some examples:
I was all excited about something that I saw on the Internet recently and thought it would be a really good activity to do with the kids. It was called Earth hour. Basically you turn your lights off for an hour, but what it really does is teach awareness and get your mind going about things you can do for the Earth. Now, before I tell you the rest of this story, I should say that Levi had had a rough day and was visibly distracted. I should know better than to approach my dear husband when he is like this, but I was excited. My brain was not registering his mood. And as much as he loves the Earth, he also gets a bit annoyed with the global warming, tree hugging crowd. Okay, I am not making excuses for the man...just trying to explain a bit before we get into our conversation so you guys don't try to go after the jugular. So I tell him very excitedly all about this cool idea and how other countries are having acoustic concerts, park clean ups, etc. He looks over at me and says,
"I don't care."
Now, unfortunately what I heard and reacted to was, "I don't care about you." That is NOT what he SAID, mind you, but that is indeed what I heard. We made up and all is good, but the important part of this story is that when I told him what I heard even though that is not what he said, he appeared devastated. He assured me that that is not what he meant, he just was not in a place where he wanted to or cared to talk, he needed to decompress, and he should have told me that instead of saying what he did. He did not say it, but it still stings a bit when I think about it.
Another example:
We were about to leave and take the kids somewhere and when we returned we were going to have visitors in the house so I was hurriedly trying to put dishes in the dishwasher and pick up while yelling at our 4 year old slow poke to get dressed. Now Levi enters the scene and begins to attempt cleaning the microwave. We were leaving in 5 minutes. The four year old isn't dressed, there is stuff visible all over everywhere and he wants to clean the MICROWAVE! He asks me if he can use a Clorox wipe in the microwave and my reply is,
"No, it is better if you put a bowl of lemon juice and something I can't remember right now and heat it up and wipe it out."
Sure, it sounds innocent but I would suggest you use your imagination as to what my tone sounded like considering I was stressed, frustrated and annoyed and consider what Levi heard, which was, "What the hell are you doing? You are an idiot." I did not say it. I was not really thinking quite that either, although I will have to admit to you all as I did to Levi that I was frustrated that he was choosing the microwave to clean in order to "help me", when we had a daughter that wasn't dressed. I would also sincerely hope that our visitors would not be opening our microwave and would therefore not see last weeks menu splattered all over the place. I apologized and told him that I should have been more appreciative of the help but suggested that there were other things that I really felt needed to be done AND should have asked for help in the ways I needed it.
We have been married so long...fourteen years now...that we apparently don't have to say anything and the other will assume all sorts of things that may or may not be wrong based on what is and isn't said. We are working hard at our communication or lack thereof and trying hard not to fill in the blanks ourselves without asking what the other means. This does not come naturally to either of us.
It reminds me that I have really wanted to tell you all something very important...My silence does NOT mean indifference. I know that I have not been around lately, I haven't been commenting or responding. It does not mean that I don't care. I have been reading and your comments always mean a lot to me. I do not ever want anyone to feel that I don't care and I am truly sorry that I have not been able to "be around" more. I now work two days a week. I spend a lot of time in carpool trying to read about all of you while simultaneously giving practice spelling tests and fielding questions from my inquisitive four year old. We have something to go to four evenings out of the week due to sports, etc. My computer is on its last leg and frustratingly slow. Levi seems annoyed if I am on the phone or computer too much on weekends because he wants to spend that time with me and the kids. That, on top of the reality of my job of being the only one in the house that cleans, cooks, or shops and my medicine for thyroid and hormones is still screwed up. Okay, so that sounded like a ridiculous string of excuses, but I am just overwhelmed at the moment and can't seem to come up for air lately. I could promise to try to be around more, but I am afraid right now that it would be an empty promise.
But I want you to hear what I am saying and NOT what I am not saying.
Y'all are important and I am still here. Hope y'all are doing great and if you aren't then I want you to know that there is someone (perhaps silently) routing for you:)
What Say you my friends? Am I forgiven?
Let me explain with some examples:
I was all excited about something that I saw on the Internet recently and thought it would be a really good activity to do with the kids. It was called Earth hour. Basically you turn your lights off for an hour, but what it really does is teach awareness and get your mind going about things you can do for the Earth. Now, before I tell you the rest of this story, I should say that Levi had had a rough day and was visibly distracted. I should know better than to approach my dear husband when he is like this, but I was excited. My brain was not registering his mood. And as much as he loves the Earth, he also gets a bit annoyed with the global warming, tree hugging crowd. Okay, I am not making excuses for the man...just trying to explain a bit before we get into our conversation so you guys don't try to go after the jugular. So I tell him very excitedly all about this cool idea and how other countries are having acoustic concerts, park clean ups, etc. He looks over at me and says,
"I don't care."
Now, unfortunately what I heard and reacted to was, "I don't care about you." That is NOT what he SAID, mind you, but that is indeed what I heard. We made up and all is good, but the important part of this story is that when I told him what I heard even though that is not what he said, he appeared devastated. He assured me that that is not what he meant, he just was not in a place where he wanted to or cared to talk, he needed to decompress, and he should have told me that instead of saying what he did. He did not say it, but it still stings a bit when I think about it.
Another example:
We were about to leave and take the kids somewhere and when we returned we were going to have visitors in the house so I was hurriedly trying to put dishes in the dishwasher and pick up while yelling at our 4 year old slow poke to get dressed. Now Levi enters the scene and begins to attempt cleaning the microwave. We were leaving in 5 minutes. The four year old isn't dressed, there is stuff visible all over everywhere and he wants to clean the MICROWAVE! He asks me if he can use a Clorox wipe in the microwave and my reply is,
"No, it is better if you put a bowl of lemon juice and something I can't remember right now and heat it up and wipe it out."
Sure, it sounds innocent but I would suggest you use your imagination as to what my tone sounded like considering I was stressed, frustrated and annoyed and consider what Levi heard, which was, "What the hell are you doing? You are an idiot." I did not say it. I was not really thinking quite that either, although I will have to admit to you all as I did to Levi that I was frustrated that he was choosing the microwave to clean in order to "help me", when we had a daughter that wasn't dressed. I would also sincerely hope that our visitors would not be opening our microwave and would therefore not see last weeks menu splattered all over the place. I apologized and told him that I should have been more appreciative of the help but suggested that there were other things that I really felt needed to be done AND should have asked for help in the ways I needed it.
We have been married so long...fourteen years now...that we apparently don't have to say anything and the other will assume all sorts of things that may or may not be wrong based on what is and isn't said. We are working hard at our communication or lack thereof and trying hard not to fill in the blanks ourselves without asking what the other means. This does not come naturally to either of us.
It reminds me that I have really wanted to tell you all something very important...My silence does NOT mean indifference. I know that I have not been around lately, I haven't been commenting or responding. It does not mean that I don't care. I have been reading and your comments always mean a lot to me. I do not ever want anyone to feel that I don't care and I am truly sorry that I have not been able to "be around" more. I now work two days a week. I spend a lot of time in carpool trying to read about all of you while simultaneously giving practice spelling tests and fielding questions from my inquisitive four year old. We have something to go to four evenings out of the week due to sports, etc. My computer is on its last leg and frustratingly slow. Levi seems annoyed if I am on the phone or computer too much on weekends because he wants to spend that time with me and the kids. That, on top of the reality of my job of being the only one in the house that cleans, cooks, or shops and my medicine for thyroid and hormones is still screwed up. Okay, so that sounded like a ridiculous string of excuses, but I am just overwhelmed at the moment and can't seem to come up for air lately. I could promise to try to be around more, but I am afraid right now that it would be an empty promise.
But I want you to hear what I am saying and NOT what I am not saying.
Y'all are important and I am still here. Hope y'all are doing great and if you aren't then I want you to know that there is someone (perhaps silently) routing for you:)
What Say you my friends? Am I forgiven?
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