You Don't Say?

What are you saying when you say nothing at all?  Well, apparently my husband and I have incredible imaginations.  The only disagreements that we have had lately have been the things we hear when we aren't saying anything.  Say what?

Let me explain with some examples:

I was all excited about something that I saw on the Internet recently and thought it would be a really good activity to do with the kids.  It was called Earth hour.  Basically you turn your lights off for an hour, but what it really does is teach awareness and get your mind going about things you can do for the Earth.  Now, before I tell you the rest of this story, I should say that Levi had had a rough day and was visibly distracted.  I should know better than to approach my dear husband when he is like this, but I was excited.  My brain was not registering his mood.  And as much as he loves the Earth, he also gets a bit annoyed with the global warming, tree hugging crowd.  Okay, I am not making excuses for the man...just trying to explain a bit before we get into our conversation so you guys don't try to go after the jugular.  So I tell him very excitedly all about this cool idea and how other countries are having acoustic concerts, park clean ups, etc.  He looks over at me and says,

"I don't care."

Now, unfortunately what I heard and reacted to was, "I don't care about you."  That is NOT what he SAID, mind you, but that is indeed what I heard.  We made up and all is good, but the important part of this story is that when I told him what I heard even though that is not what he said, he appeared devastated.  He assured me that that is not what he meant, he just was not in a place where he wanted to or cared to talk, he needed to decompress, and he should have told me that instead of saying what he did.  He did not say it, but it still stings a bit when I think about it.

Another example:

We were about to leave and take the kids somewhere and when we returned we were going to have visitors in the house so I was hurriedly trying to put dishes in the dishwasher and pick up while yelling at our 4 year old slow poke to get dressed.  Now Levi enters the scene and begins to attempt cleaning the microwave.  We were leaving in 5 minutes.  The four year old isn't dressed, there is stuff visible all over everywhere and he wants to clean the MICROWAVE!  He asks me if he can use a Clorox wipe in the microwave and my reply is,

"No, it is better if you put a bowl of lemon juice and something I can't remember right now and heat it up and wipe it out."

Sure, it sounds innocent but I would suggest you use your imagination as to what my tone sounded like considering I was stressed, frustrated and annoyed and consider what Levi heard, which was, "What the hell are you doing? You are an idiot."  I did not say it.  I was not really thinking quite that either, although I will have to admit to you all as I did to Levi that I was frustrated that he was choosing the microwave to clean in order to "help me", when we had a daughter that wasn't dressed.  I would also sincerely hope that our visitors would not be opening our microwave and would therefore not see last weeks menu splattered all over the place.  I apologized and told him that I should have been more appreciative of the help but suggested that there were other things that I really felt needed to be done AND should have asked for help in the ways I needed it.

We have been married so long...fourteen years now...that we apparently don't have to say anything and the other will assume all sorts of things that may or may not be wrong based on what is and isn't said.  We are working hard at our communication or lack thereof and trying hard not to fill in the blanks ourselves without asking what the other means.  This does not come naturally to either of us.

It reminds me that I have really wanted to tell you all something very important...My silence does NOT mean indifference.  I know that I have not been around lately, I haven't been commenting or responding.  It does not mean that I don't care.  I have been reading and your comments always mean a lot to me.  I do not ever want anyone to feel that I don't care and I am truly sorry that I have not been able to "be around" more.  I now work two days a week.  I spend a lot of time in carpool trying to read about all of you while simultaneously giving practice spelling tests and fielding questions from my inquisitive four year old.  We have something to go to four evenings out of the week due to sports, etc.  My computer is on its last leg and frustratingly slow.  Levi seems annoyed if I am on the phone or computer too much on weekends because he wants to spend that time with me and the kids.  That, on top of the reality of my job of being the only one in the house that cleans, cooks, or shops and my medicine for thyroid and hormones is still screwed up.  Okay, so that sounded like a ridiculous string of excuses, but I am just overwhelmed at the moment and can't seem to come up for air lately.  I could promise to try to be around more, but I am afraid right now that it would be an empty promise.

But I want you to hear what I am saying and NOT what I am not saying.

Y'all are important and I am still here.  Hope y'all are doing great and if you aren't then I want you to know that there is someone (perhaps silently) routing for you:)

What Say you my friends? Am I forgiven?