My husband shuts down because it is easier than trying to fight the monster, which is the exact opposite of what I need him to do. I am "right" so everyone else is, by default...well, "not right." I did catch myself on multiple occasions and managed to bite my tongue before saying something insanely rude...which is better than previous occasions when I did not even realize that what I was doing was wrong.
Things I learned from this vacation:
1. I need to ask for help: Oh, I am a stubborn woman. This is ridiculously hard for me but I need to learn to do it and not be ashamed that I was unable to perform a task on my own. For example, when we get ready for vacation I: plan the vacation, book the doggie hotel, make sure the kids have enough clothes, make sure the kids have things to do in the car, pay the bills, prep the van (oil change, etc.), buy supplies, pack everything and everyone except Levi, clean the house (cause I hate coming home to a messy house), ask the neighbors to check the mail, pack snacks and drinks, AND I NEVER ask for help. Maybe if I learn to ask for a little assistance then my control monster will not be freaking the heck out!
2. This is a little off subject, but I will never complain about my gas prices again...the rest of the country pays entirely too much for gas!
3. If I could just chill...I would have a lot more fun: I get anxious before traveling...very anxious. Like maybe someone should hand over a Valium. My stomach gets upset and I worry about everything. What if the car breaks down? What if kid 1, 2, or 3 gets sick? What if we get in an accident? What if someone gets lost? etc. etc. ...ad naseum, etc. I really don't settle in on having a good time until around day 3 or 4 (even in the happiest place on earth) and then it is usually time to start heading back home. I would guess that my constant worrying does not allow Levi or the kids to fully relax either. I suppose part of it is the amount of money spent on the vacation makes me nervous that any of it be ruined by unforeseen circumstances.
4. I didn't really travel as a kid: My parents never really took us anywhere. We would visit family of course, but not really much else. I look forward to traveling right up to a few days before when the trigger is pulled and my control monster gets loose. I want everyone to have a good time so I worry about anything going wrong. I want my kids to remember these trips forever and give them something I didn't have as a kid. Is my trigger being pulled because I need to practice traveling? Hmmm. Maybe I should try lots of day trips. Plus the kids seem to have fun doing the simplest things like playing on a playground or the hotel pool after you have spent a crazy amount on a vacay.
5. Apparently we share Spring Break with Canada...I think I was vacationing with half of Ontario and they are not afraid to drive a very LONG distance! But thanks Canada for all the awesome licence plates we got:)
6. I worried and nothing happened: So I worried for nothing. Now, don't get me wrong...it was good I was prepared...I had all the medicine I needed and even had to take a kiddo's temperature on the way home and had a thermometer, etc. But the worry, the upset stomach, and all for naught. It was difficult to relax and just enjoy...partly my constant need to count my kiddos in the crowd, stress and worry over money spent, and partly because it doesn't come naturally to me. I have to think about relaxing...I seem to live in a stressed state without even realizing it.
7. I need Levi to not shut down. I need him to tell me to calm the heck down. I need him to tell me that everything is going to be all right and he will help to take care of everything that comes our way. I need him to tell me to relax, that it's okay, that everyone is having a great time, that I am not responsible for everyone's happiness.
8. Family vacations are awesome...but so are vacations with your spouse: We were able to get away last fall and had an amazing time and we were able to get away to have dinner on our own to celebrate this time, but it wasn't quite the same. I was worried about the kiddos and we were exhausted. It was nice and we were able to have a lovely dinner, but not quite the same as getting away on our own. The great thing about family vacations is I hit close to 16,000 steps on my fitbit every day:)
9. I need to figure out how to reign in the monster. Yep, that is pretty much it on that one...haven't figured it out yet. Anyone? Bueller?
10. I think sometimes that Levi likes my control monster, cause he can relax and she does everything: Ouch, but true. So what do I do to help him understand so that we can all enjoy the vacation or am I doomed to let the control monster out of her cage every time we travel?
I could have totally written this. I'm a total control freak getting ready for vacation. I have managed to curb my habit of throwing a screaming hissy fit the day we leave, but , we were on spring break last week too, and I cried the first three hours of the trip.
ReplyDeleteTo your point #10, perhaps Levi wants to help but just doesn't know where to fit in? Could he help if you gave him specific directions, ex. "Saturday before we leave please take my car to get an oil change..." or "please buy ...(would need to be VERY specific in my house)"
I made a monster list for us for vacation stuff. There's the master list for all vacations, ex. the dog, which medicines we always take, house stuff, and then specific lists for trips that we often take. I update all the time and circle what my husband and kids need to handle. It's made things a lot easier and my husband appreciates knowing where he can specifically help.
Have you asked Levi to tell you to calm the heck down when you're obsessing? My husband told me to get a grip a couple times in our trip and it was very refreshing (and I actually listened).
Don't be TOO hard on yourself. It sounds like your family had a wonderful time!
Not do everything by youself. Ask for help, assign a chore, if it doesn't get done, then it doesn't get done, the sun will still come up the next day. ENJOY and DON'T WORRY about everything, it is just wasted energy. Sounds easy, huh. Hope it is.
ReplyDeleteHey Bea...Sunny gave you the advice I would have given you and I will add two things:
ReplyDeleteFirst, ask Levi to read this post, if he hasn't already, and use it to discuss ways he can help you reign it in.
Second, my aunt used to tell me...There is a huge difference between preparation and worry so be prepared but don't worry. What's the use of worrying before something happens because no amount of worry is going to keep it from happening. What's the use of worrying after something happens because no amount of worry is going to address the issue.
Just breathe and relax.
Blessings...
Cat
Reining in the monster...how...? Who knows Bea, I think once she is in us and part of us we sort of accept that and we work on managing her. I think you answered your own question though. I love the idea of day trips and giving yourself a very specific period of time where you will plan and stress and then be DONE with that and have a good time. My husband says that the more he knows about the things that trigger me the more he can help. I often think I've communicated with him but I haven't been very clear. If I was literally in your shoes, I would sit down with Levi weeks ahead of time, tell him everything and ask for his help. I'd then come back a week later and ask how I was doing and then go at it daily so that you end up feeling like you are in it together. Something about that seems to help them see how much we need their help with the monster and to our great surprise and happy annoyance, they begin to step in and get all "consequency" with us. It's horrible and wonderful. Anyway, long story short--empower him to be the guy who can fix it next time, tell him everything and I will hope you can relax some as he steps in.
ReplyDeleteI am very bossy this morning. :)
Hi Bea, oh I can so relate to this. The control monster, and Scrappy rear their heads here when preparing for a vacation too. We recently had a weekend trip away and we actually shared making the arrangements. Rick did the flight bookings and everything else we researched together and discussed. Didn't stop me from freaking out that everything would work out though!
ReplyDeleteHappy that your worries didn't come to fruition and that you and Levi managed some time for yourselves. It seems you have some wonderful advice above. Talk to Levi, ask him to take care of some of the prep. I too like your idea of day trips.
Hugs,
Roz
Perhaps rather than fight the control monster, accept who you are and let the control monster out in certain situations. Just learn to "reign" her in a bit maybe.
ReplyDeleteI know for me personally, my wife can be called the "detailed" monster when we travel. She has about 1,000 different things for the kids and herself, I pack a couple of books, my ipod, a couple of tshirts, some shorts and flip flops.
She makes a list of everything we need and hammers through the list.
I like that she does that because it's not a strength of mine, but it's a strength of hers so I stand back and let her go. (Well I help with the list of course) If I packed for the kids it would be lighter, but likely lacking in stuff for them.
Part of being a good leader is knowing your strengths and weaknesses, perhaps Levi knows this is a strength of yours and weakness of his so he prefers that you take over with the travel plans/preperations.
But yeah, when they're done, chill out and have fun.
Glad my Canadian friends were good to you, don't forget, it's only the people out East that sound like that. It would be like thinking all Americans say "Y'all" and speak with a drawl... ;)
~Ponyboy
We have mostly done day trips as a family and only one big trip and then a couple of overnighters so I am not that experienced in travel...but like you I am the planner and organizer and worrier. But everything is always fine. I think there is some great advice and things to remember for your next outing...and I will be making that list too. Thanks for sharing. Hope you did enjoy your time despite all the effort and worry. Hugs
ReplyDelete