Femininity:Habits

Every time I think of breaking habits, I think of this song:

I don't even like this song....ugh....so annoying.  Anyway, I have in the past year broken some bad habits and practiced some good ones.  None of my bad habits were too awful.  I used to smoke in college and shortly after...now, that was a nasty habit.  I realize that my habits aren't all that bad, but I am trying to be more feminine and I have found that certain habits help and some do not.

Some unladylike bad habits that are hard to break:

 

Chewing Gum

 

I loved my gum...bubbles, smacking and all.  Until one morning I awoke with a horrible case of TMJ.  I couldn't eat....talk....it was horribly painful.  I went to the dentist and her advice...a mouth guard (I was clenching in my sleep), muscle relaxers until it felt better and I was sleeping better, and NO MORE GUM.  Apparently not only is gum not good for your teeth and can cause or worsen TMJ, but it also gives you gas and well, how do I put this lightly, it's not very attractive.  I miss my gum:(

 

Nail Biting

 

I bite my nails and cuticles.  Ugh...I think mostly it is due to nervousness and boredom.  If I get a manicure and have my nails painted then I don't bite them, so I am trying to keep my nails manicured to curb this habit. 

 

 

Swearing

 

I don't do it often and never in front of the kids, but swearing is an unladylike habit.  I know this and yet, for some reason when I write, I sometimes wish to place a few $(&*# in my writing...maybe so I can express my nonverbal cues of how #&#$&%(* upset I am about something?  I don't know, but am trying to do better in this area.

 

 

Lip Biting

 

I have been told that I have beautiful lips, so why am I messing them up?  I don't know, but I need to cut it out...my lips get slightly chapped and I bite the layer of skin off.  Probably another nervous habit...what to do with all this nervous energy?  Wearing lip gloss helps a bit.  Any other thoughts on this one would be much appreciated.

 



Some Habits that make me feel more feminine:

 

 

Smiling

 

Smiling changes a person's face.  I used to try to get through a place unnoticed.  I would not make eye contact and would just go about my day.  I have begun to smile.  At EVERYONE.  Yes, I am the crazy lady that smiles at everyone and you know what?  It feels good.  At first it felt awkward and a few people gave me funny looks...geez how embarrassing:), but occasionally someone whom I wouldn't have even noticed before smiles back and their whole face changes.  They would go from serious to glowing, just because they smiled.  Occasionally, I even say hi or good morning.  It only was really awkward once when I smiled at a guy at the grocery store and he hit on me...dude, I wasn't hitting on you...just smiling here:)  I didn't really say that...I mumbled something along the lines of "I'm happily married, but thank you."  Try it:) Smiling, not hitting on someone.

 

Grooming

 

 

Nothing like a great haircut to make you feel better about your appearance...I don't get mine cut often enough, but love it when I do.  Most men appear to like long hair...Levi is weird...he likes mine short...not super short, just shoulder short.  Ask your man what he likes.

 

 

Waxing/Shaving/Plucking and other forms of torture: yes, I do them, although I no longer wax my bikini area.  No longer makes it sound like I have done it often...only once.  Good grief...apparently people with sensitive and fair skin can sometimes break blood vessels...By the time I left, my bikini area looked like it caught the measles.  Shaving for me, thank you.  When your husband cringes at your efforts after waxing, I think it is safe to say he gets it and won't hold it against you.  I need to shave my legs more often...having light hair has it's benefits until your man touches your legs.

 

 

 

Nails: I love having my nails done, but it is expensive...I do them at home most of the time, but am bad about it...trying to improve here.

 

Skin so soft: I have tried to make it a habit to put on lotion every night. I love Levi's hands on me...making it as soft as possible so he will do it often...very often...like a lot.

 

 

If I feel more feminine, then I act more feminine...which to me translates: If I feel more feminine, then I might not act like a controlling shrew and will be very attractive to my husband which means I might have some mind blowing sex, intimacy, and happiness.  Just a thought...



 

 

 

 



 

 



Femininity:Carriage and Posture

I am coming up on my one year blogiversary soon and decided that I will try over the next few weeks to talk about some of the things that I have learned and am putting into practice.  After a while of being in and out of blogging, my mind has been racing with all of the post ideas.  It is amazing how when writing you can have dry times and then times of TOO many ideas.  I tell you this so that if I ramble, repeat, or following me begins to resemble a zig-zag path, you might forgive me:)

This week I want to talk about graceful femininity.  When I began to surrender last year I read many blogs on this elusive subject.  To some of you this seems to come quite easily.  At first, I did not even understand what it meant or why I should be doing it.  I sent a lot of query emails to ask what this was to others in order to gather the information to decide what I could do and what felt natural for me.  Some wear dresses and skirts all the time, some never leave the house without makeup, and more.  I have picked and chosen what will work for me and have begun to put them into practice.  I do not consider myself any sort of expert...I am just sharing what works for me.  I will talk later this week about why I have found it important.

Carriage: the manner of holding and moving one's head and body, bearing and posture

Sit Like a Lady

 

When I was a little girl I was often admonished to sit like a lady.  I ask you how in the world, when in a dress and required to sit criss-cross, was I supposed to be ladylike.  I began to roll my eyes at a young age...seriously!?  I just decided that wearing dresses was just too difficult.  I wanted to climb and swing and wrestle with my brother.  I was a quintessential tom boy.  At the dinner table, I grew tired of hearing sit up straight Bea, when you get older you will have a hunchback Bea, ad nauseum.

In high school I was a dancer and was a little more feminine, but still no where near sitting and standing like a lady. Because I danced, my posture was probably at its best here.  In order to maintain balance and elegance in the dance you had to keep your spine straight. 

Something happened in college.  A slouch was fashionable...so was wearing pajamas to class, but that is a post for another day.  As I aged and with each kid my slouch became worse...heavy breasts and a diminishing of ab muscles made it painful to sit up straight with my shoulders back.

Bones

 

I suffer from back and neck problems.  For a long time I blamed them on my large breasts and my lack of ab muscles.  I have some knee issues as well that I often blame on the extra 25 pounds that I carry around.  But after a visit to the chiropractor and while researching feminine posture, I have learned that my issues are probably more due to my posture.  My chiropractor schooled me on the long term problems that poor posture causes...including knee replacement and having to put pins in your neck and back.  Yikes!!  He says it effects your muscles as well.  It stretches some muscles to the point of pulling vertebrae out of place and some muscles that should remain activated (your abs) get weak which only exacerbates the problem.  From your neck down and your feet back up...our bones are all affected by the alignment of the others.

So, not only am I working on my carriage for femininity's sake but also for my health.

Slouch

 

It doesn't matter how nicely you dress, if you slouch, it doesn't look feminine.  So I suppose I am trying to sit more like a lady 30 some odd years after my parents admonished me to "sit up straight" and stop "slouching"!  Better late than never right. 

Important things about posture

Sitting - I have trouble with this one the most.  It is very easy to sit slouched and takes a lot of effort and reminding at first to sit properly.  Slouching is a hard habit to break!!

And when I first started trying to sit with good posture, it felt awkward.  It felt like I was sticking my breasts out unnaturally and it was difficult to remember to keep my abs tight.  I would catch myself relaxing into a slouch.  It has gotten better, but I still catch myself.  When I first sit, I try to rotate my pelvis forward (otherwise it is easy for me to get into a sway back position-which isn't good either), tighten my abs, roll my shoulders back and drop them into a relaxed position, and pretend there is a string pulling my neck straight up from my spine.

When I was in dance, in warm ups we would often stretch our backs.  Stand up straight with your feet shoulder width apart.  Hold your abs tight, and tilt the pelvis forward so that you aren't bending at the waist but by each backbone.  Roll your shoulders back and then drop them in a relaxed position (not forward, but not by your ears either).  We would then roll our heads down and reach down to touch our toes concentrating on each vertebrae as we went.  Then we would roll ourselves back to a standing position again concentrating on each vertebrae.  You can do that sitting as well.  It is probably Calisthenics or something, but it feels really good. (FYI-not a doctor here...take my advice knowing that:))  My chiropractor gave me lots of exercises to stretch and strengthen my back...ask yours what might be good for you.

I have also learned that crossing your legs is not good for you.  It restricts blood flow which can lead to varicose veins and also may throw your back out.  A better way to sit in a ladylike fashion is this:

At a desk or table, if you can without showing anything, it is better to sit with you feet hip length apart.



Standing and walking -

 

 

Try this experiment: Stand up and slouch...now walk holding the slouch.  Feel like Meg Ryan-okay, sorry, I love her, but she walks like a man.  Ok, now stand up straight and walk. You want some fries with that shake?  Which felt more feminine?...nuff said.

 

 

Body Language

 

Sitting in a slouching position expresses boredom and a lack of interest.  Standing in a slouching position can show a lack of confidence.  Men are attracted to confidence and someone who shows an interest in them.  But my husband knows I am interested in what he has to say, right?  Is he?  Think about how you feel when he has the same posture.  Are you attracted to him?  Do you feel like he is interested in what you are saying?

 

I know my inner voice was trying to convince me that he should just love me however and I shouldn't have to work so hard to attract him, but then I continue to expect him to woo me. I realized it wasn't fair and that it can be fun and exciting to build up attraction. When I changed how I was looking at it, I had a much better attitude which I will talk more about later in the week.

 

Feminine Wiles as relates to Carriage

 

Wiles are anything we use to entice or lure.  How does how we carry ourselves entice our husband.  I have tried a few of these things with Levi...Wow, I had no idea how easy it was.  Now I can tell you at first, I felt ridiculous with a capital R!!  But now I find it fun.

 

 

When Levi is walking behind me, I focus on how I am walking.  I stand up straight and walk slightly exaggerated with my hips.  Then I look over my shoulder with a smile and sometimes say, "Enjoying the view?" 

 

 

If I am handing him something and he is sitting, I try to encourage him to look by showing him a bit of cleavage.  If he is sitting at the computer I will hug him from behind making sure to lean into him a bit leading with, well, you know.

 

I am not comfortable with my naked body.  But I am working on that and working on my posture and feeling comfortable with it.  Some of the things that I try to do while naked in the hopes that Levi can sneak a peek: (Obviously with kids in the house, I have to do these things before bed or when I know that they aren't going to barge in)

 

apply lotion

 

 

fixing hair

 

 

apply makeup

 

 

and thanks to some advice I got here:)...waiting in bed and I throw in a stretch for good measure.

 

I am going to share with you all that I don't feel comfortable at all and am completely self conscious, but Levi has never complained and says now he likes to come and watch "the show" when I am getting ready for bed or for the day.

 

Do you have any ideas about feminine posture or carriage?  Please share!  Later this week I will talk about feminine habits, dress, attitude and share why I think this is important for my marriage.  Have a good day!

 

 

 



 

  

 



 

Ask and ye shall receive...

I got a question...an anonymous question...not sure why it was anonymous since it wasn't that kind of question.  But I am still excited I got a question:)  Ask and ye shall receive:

My Happy Music List:

The Adventure/Angels & Airwaves
Mr. Bojangles/Jerry Jeff Walker
Shelter From The Storm/Bob Dylan
No Woman No Cry/Bob Marley & The Wailers
Somewhere Over the Rainbow/Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
Daylight/Matt & Kim
Crossfire/Brandon Flowers
Have a Little Faith In Me/John Hiatt
Wake the Sun/The Matches
Take A Chance On Me/Erasure
Read My Mind/The Killers
Some Nights/Fun.
Time To Move On/Tom Petty
I Will Wait/Mumford & Sons
The Boxer/(feat. Jerry Douglas & Paul Simon)Mumford & Sons
Little Lion Man/Mumford & Sons
Dog Days Are Over/Florence + The Machine
Somewhere Only We Know/Keane
The Lucky Ones/Brendan James
Home/Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Sugarhigh/Coyote Shivers
Wonderful/Gary Go
Laid/James
I Will Follow You Into the Dark/Death Cab for Cutie
Viva la Vida/Coldplay
Closer to Fine/Indigo Girls
Bizarre Love Triangle/New Order
Friday I'm In Love/The Cure
Just Like Heaven/The Cure
The Only One/The Cure
Little Talks/Of Monsters and Men
Lovers In Japan / Reign of Love/Coldplay
Good Life/OneRepublic
Wave On Wave/Pat Green
I Don't Want To Wait/Paula Cole
Rhythm of Love/Plain White T's
Junebug/Robert Francis
Kiss Me/Sixpence None The Richer
Sweet Disposition/The Temper Trap
Horchata/Vampire Weekend

Of course these are in no particular order and and my list changes often...some songs will move on to a different list and some are added and some stick around for the long haul, but all of them make me happy.  I am currently listening to them while doing my Swiffer dancing, toy lunges, and scrub squats...my own personal cleaning workout:)
What are your happy songs?  Maybe I can add them to my list:)

Perseverance

Nothing helps you get over your fear of failure like failing a little. 

I ordered my hiking book.  I hiked three times a week for two weeks.  And then came the first hike.  We went on Labor Day and I found a hike that would be kid friendly and we set off early one morning with a picnic, water, and ah crap we forgot the Off.  We stopped at a corner store and grabbed some Deep Woods.  For some of you, you may be thinking, ah, its just a little mosquito. I have seen some here as big as horse flies and they probably carry around a pint of blood...each...little bloodsuckers.  Anyway, we pull up to the area that we wanted to hike and they are closed.  CLOSED!!  Ugh, thankfully about 20 minutes back towards home is another hike from my book and we head off again.  We finally arrive and of course everyone has to make a bathroom stop so we are about an hour past when we wanted to start when we actually start...which of course means that we are all now sweating buckets.  The hike starts off very well and I am elated, joyful...nothing is going to ruin this.....even the dripping down my back...ewww gross, I know...sorry.  Until, I turn around when my son is calling me to look at something and see this...

Except, he is surrounded, not by dirt, but giant swarming mosquitoes.  I look at my husband with a look of such bewilderment and he suggests that we all just keep walking and not stop.  Deep woods OFF ain't got nothin' on these bad boys.  So we walk along and the mosquitoes sort of follow us and hover over each of us, but as long as we don't stop, they don't seem to land.  We walk for another 5 minutes or so and Levi comes alongside me to take my hand and he gives me a look of regret and understanding.



I suppose we should turn back. (trying to hold back tears...I know it is silly...doesn't matter)

mmm.

Before those bloodsuckers fly off with our youngest. (trying to lighten myself up)

smirk. (Oh my man of few words)

Ok guys, lets go eat our picnic.

Cheers and shrieks from the kids.

The kids were of course excited because now they could go and play on the playground as the mosquitoes weren't flying in that open space, and they probably kept the playgrounds sprayed.  We had a lovely picnic and the kids played but I was having trouble with my disappointment.  Levi came to sit next to me on a bench and took my hand again.  It was too hot to lean into him, but I wanted to. 

It was a good day.

Yes.

Thanks for the picnic.

Your welcome.

You know...it was a good walk.

But I didn't finish.

We'll come back.

I know.

Levi was so incredibly supportive without having to say much at all. 

I didn't get many pictures as I couldn't stop long enough to, but captured this one and my oldest told me a really cool legend he learned about the Spanish Moss (that isn't moss and isn't Spanish, btw):

 

 

So the next week it rained off and on, although that is really just an excuse...I could have found time.  And this last week I have had a hurt foot..  I slipped in a parking lot because I was wearing flip flops in the rain.  It was really rather embarrassing because I was having an argument with Levi who was about to take our son in to use the bathroom at a fast food place.  I said "the last word" turned and stomped off...I know, real mature, and instead of making my exit, I ate it.  My flip flop hit the wet stripe in the parking lot and well, it was not pretty.  It bruised the side of my foot and hurt to walk for a week.  Ok, it might be slightly comical now, but was rather embarrassing at the time.

 

So, needless to say, I have not earned my new shoes, which I am pretty bummed about, but I will be beginning again this week and have already walked this morning in my neighborhood, where I caught this photo:

 

 

Working on my perseverance- (or just plain stubbornness)

 

The path is always waiting for me...I just have to keep walking.

Bea







Land Sickness

 

Have you ever been on a cruise?  If not, go...no seriously...so much fun.  Anyway, if you haven't been on a cruise or any kind of boat for a long period of time you will have no idea what I am talking about, but bear with me.  If you have been on a cruise, you will know exactly what I am talking about.  When you get on the boat you have a day or so of getting your sea legs so to speak.  Even with the stabilizers the boat still sways a bit on the water.  Finally, you get used to it and you may not even notice........until.......you get off the boat.  Levi and I have been on a couple of cruises and typically for a week or so after we are home I have land sickness. 

 

I feel like I am still moving even with the earth under my feet.  I suffer from vertigo and if I get up to fast then I have a tendency to walk into walls.  Oh, who am I kidding...I sometimes walk into walls anyway.  Think...toddlers learning to walk and how cute it is when their bodies get a little ahead of their legs.  Yea, not so cute when you are a grown woman.  Just kinda looks like I am drunk.

Anyway, I have decided I have moving sickness.  After all the prepping the old house, selling the old house, buying a new house, settling into the new house, getting the kids involved in things so that their transition is easier, and trying to grasp some kind of new normal, I am off the boat, but I feel like it is still rocking.  I am the ONLY one still feeling this way.  Levi is great and enjoying his new commute, the kids are great and making friends in their new schools and activities, and I am running into walls. 

It's kind of like when you are dealing with some sort of emergency situation and you are a rock during the actual emergency and then fall apart afterwards.  I had to take an ambulance ride with my daughter a couple of years ago...scariest thing ever!  But I held it together through the ride, the exam and the discharge instructions...I did awesome right up until the doctor patted me on the shoulder and said, "You did good, mama."  And then I lost it.  Thankfully after he closed the door, but I looked like a crazy lunatic walking out to my car holding my daughter and crying the ugly cry. 

 

I was trying to figure out why I am having such a hard time adjusting when it dawned on me that it was because I really just started.  I have been spending this whole time focused on "adjusting" or helping others adjust that I haven't done so myself yet.  I am getting there and this week has been blessedly NORMAL!!  But in stressful situations my control monster comes out.  I try to control every little situation and it spills over onto the people in my life.  So basically, I am driving my family crazy.  My ten year old's hair was sticking up this morning and I was next to the kitchen sink.  I reached over got some water on my hands and started mauling the poor child to his great consternation.  "Mom, I can fix my own hair."  "Oh yeah, go fix it." 

I need to CHILL, as my boys like to call it.  So I popped a few songs on a playlist for my iPhone and am taking it easy today...well as easy as it can be with a three year old and household chores.  It's nice that the air has cooled... a few degrees anyway.  I don't start sweating as soon as I walk out the door, anyway.  I feel a nice long walk in my near future.  So here is some music to chill by, one that always makes me smile (partly because I wonder what kind of grass is growing under Tom Petty's feet):

...hope you enjoy your day me hearty...I mean landlubber.

I am not ignoring you...

I wrote about my poor self image in Have you seen my mojo? and am really trying to internalize your supportive comments.  I am not ignoring you and they have meant a lot to me.  It is just difficult to respond.  I am trying REALLY hard to focus on the positive and even tried being naked under the covers in order to initiate...that went rather well:)  But I have still been rather negative and not really liking the mirror.

I think I know what part of my issue is, but it is so ingrained in my personality that I am not sure how to go about fixing it.  When I was in school I did just enough to get by.  I would drive my parents crazy because I knew that I could spend the first half of the grading period skipping homework and not studying and the last half working my tail off and still make Bs.  The bad thing is I was completely capable of making As rather easily, but I didn't try.  Why didn't I try? 

Yep, I was afraid to fail.  I figured if I didn't try and failed then it was okay, because I failed because I didn't really try that hard.  But, if I tried really hard and failed then I was a ... Failure with a capital F.  I am not sure where this originated, but I just remember always being this way.  I am really trying hard to instill in my kids to always do their best.  If they fail at something that I know they are capable of then I don't freak out.  I ask them if what they did was their best, what they can do better next time, etc.  And yet I still have one that I can tell is going to struggle with this like I have, whether I like it or not.  Amazing how they pick up the things you don't want them to.  Ugh.

I am afraid of failure, but I am also afraid to be really good at something.  What?  Yea, whatever, I don't get it either, but it keeps me from reaching goals that I truly WANT to reach. 

I am really good at setting goals.  Lose 25 pounds, raise balanced children, be a better wife, take my vitamins, eat healthy, exercise, write a book etc. etc.  Problem is: I am not very good at reaching goals.  Is it laziness? Fear?  Maybe.  But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about the things I am good at. 

I am doing well at goals that are broken up into smaller segments such as raising children and being a better wife.  These things are automatically broken up.  I can't raise kids overnight and they reach milestones over time and are broken up into small goals already: eat solids, crawl, walk, potty train, teach colors/alphabet, Kindergarten, how to treat friends, how to resolve conflict and so on.  Sure it is challenging and I am not always great at it, but somehow knowing that I have reached a little goal here and there keeps me going.  And I am good at being a mom, perfect-NO, but good.

On the other side of things, I have had the same weight loss goal for more than a decade.  A DECADE!  Sure, I had kids in between and did always lose the baby weight, but can't for the life of me get past this.  Yes, I have had thyroid issues and other things, but having this goal and not really working for it, giving up on it, obsessing about it is beginning to weigh on me.  Pun intended...hahaha.  It is overwhelming and I shut down. 

So, what do I do now?

I like lists so I am going to try to puzzle out where I am at here with this goal.

What is holding me back?

-fear of failure?
-laziness?
-fear of reaching my goal?
-focusing on the negative instead of the positive?
-overwhelmed?
-giving up?

I think I need to switch gears.  I have been in neutral for too long.  I need to shift my focus in order to experience some success.  Average Married Dad wrote a post about active and passive hobbies.  I am really good at passive hobbies:)  I love to read, write, blog, and listen to music.  I have interests in active hobbies, but have not acted on them in quite some time.  I could make excuses, but to be honest with you I have not made it a priority.  Everyone else has been a priority.  So, I am shifting my focus and instead of setting a goal of losing 25 pounds, for now I am going to set some goals in regards to an active hobby. 

It sounds a lot more fun and less overwhelming.

I love to hike.  I love photography.  Hiking will help me to be healthier and lose weight, but I will also have some time to myself or time with my family depending on the day.  I can photograph things on my hikes and can have fun with that hobby too.  Hiking will inadvertently help me to lose weight too without some of the pressure of failing. 

 

So with goals as in hiking you must take steps.

Step one: I have always wanted to buy this book called 60 Hikes within 60 miles of ___________.  They sell one for most large cities.  I am going to the book store today and if they don't have it then I will order it.
Step two: Begin planning first big hike, date, time, how far.  Share these steps with Levi so that he can encourage me.
Step three: Walk in preparation at least three times a week around neighborhood pond.
Step four: After completing first big hike and sticking to the three times a week step for at least a month, write more steps and buy some cute hiking boots cause what woman wouldn't work a little harder for new shoes:)

I am very sorry if this post doesn't really follow a cohesive thought pattern...just how my brain works:)  It is actually how I have conversations too, much to the consternation of Levi.  I am also really bad about changing the subject or having half the conversation in my head and the rest out loud so hope I didn't lose you:) 

 

For me, the first step isn't always the hardest. 

It is continuing to walk.

Bea

 



Matthew 14:22-33

 



Stolen Kisses and Copping Feels

Things are definitely feeling more normal around here.  How can I tell?  Levi is more playful and a heck of a lot less stressed out which means that there are a lot of stolen kisses and copping feels.

Levi's love language is physical touch.  Mine is not, but because his IS physical touch or maybe it is just because he is a man, he often tries to show me his love in very physical ways.  Over the weekend my rear was smacked while putting laundry in the washer, I was molested in the pantry, and while washing dishes he copped a feel...well, several feels. Before you think that I am complaining, I was quite enjoying the attention (although I used to get annoyed until I realized what he was trying to do).

I said, "Uh, babe, you are making this hard.  I am trying to do the dishes," said with a smile while keeping my eye on the hall for any children that might happen around the corner.

He said, "Hmmmm, I think you are making this hard and I am trying to do the dishwasher."

Badumbum.