Blogiversary

 

Today is my one year blogiversary! 

 

 

I have learned a lot in the last year and am quite sure that I have a long way to go.  Thanks for the encouraging words and friendship along the way.

 

 

 

Things I have learned:

 

 
 

This Blog is for Me...and You:

 

That even though there are times that I hit publish and think..."why in the world did I publish that!" and get the urge to hit delete, that these are feelings I have.  For example, my last post has really been bothering me.  I wrote it last week and hoped that I would be able to talk to Levi about some things over the weekend and just couldn't.  The time never seemed right...oh, who am I kidding...I just couldn't find the words.  Reading it today makes me feel a bit ashamed.  I fully realize how blessed I am to be able to do the things that I do.  But the feelings are real, the guilt is real, I am not perfect and you know what...other people need to know that too.  They need to know that they are not alone in their feelings and maybe seeing how I process things might help someone else.  It is good to feel that you are not alone in the world.

 

 

 

From Cactus to Succulent:

 

So when I started this blog, I had come to the realization that I was a cactus...especially in my marriage.  I would protect myself by poking him if he got too close...whether it was with my words or my attitude.  The poking was often motivated by fear.  Whether it was fear of unmet needs, loss of control that wasn't mine to begin with, fear that if I didn't take care of something that it wouldn't get done the right way and more.  I often thought I was "helping" Levi by telling him how to do things.  One of the first things that I did was decide not to tell him how to drive and to let him drive unless he asks me to...no directions, no sucking in my breath when I think he should brake...nothing.  Now sometimes that meant that I had to close my eyes or stare out the side window, but I actually enjoy him driving now and it was an easy way to show him what I am doing.  I also decided to be silent if I couldn't think of a nice way to say something.  My "Thumper" rule.  That one is harder but I can honestly say that I am no longer a cactus (most of the time), but there are still major walls that should come down.  I would say that I am a bit thick skinned around Levi and am not fully vulnerable.  Some of that is work that he needs to do to be quite honest.  I can't do everything alone.  So I guess I am a succulent plant...one with very thick skin who doesn't take in much water, but at least doesn't poke you.  Someday I hope to be the beautiful bloom that I am supposed to be.

 

 

 

His Pants, her...pants?:

 

My whole goal at the beginning of this journey was to surrender the pants in the family to their rightful owner.  For a while, I put down the pair of pants completely.  I wanted to make sure that Levi knew and understood that I was serious.  I really want him to lead this family.  I am doing better, but I suppose my expectations are not exactly reality.  I still have pants on.  They are girly pants I suppose, but not fully a skirt either.  I realize that may not make any sense to you, but it does to me.  Levi is a bit reluctant in certain areas to lead.  I don't know what to do about that or how to get him to at least give me input as to his wants in certain areas, so that it feels more like he delegated, than the separation I feel when I am in charge of this and he is in charge of that.  I feel like in certain areas he just wants me to do it, but I don't know what he wants and often feel overwhelmed...the areas we need to work on are finances and the kids.  At least he is wearing pants...we'll get there.

 

 

Submission/Silence not synonymous:

 

When I first started this journey to being my husband's help meet or trying to surrender or being submissive or whatever else you want to call it, I thought that being submissive was pretty close to being silent. I think that the reason I thought that, was that I needed to be silent for a while.  Let me explain. I had manipulated and unknowingly steam rolled over my husband for so long that he did not want to pick up those pants that I was giving up. I had to be silent for a while so that he would gain the confidence to pick up the pants, let alone put them on. I always thought that submission meant that I would have to give up my hopes and dreams.  Well, that isn't how it works at all is it?  At least not for me.  Submission is not a cake walk.  It has been well worth it in the areas that I have been successful at it.  At first I exaggerated the submission in order to make Levi realize what I was trying to do.  I have slowly begun to carefully voice my opinions.  It is difficult because I want to make sure that I am being respectful.  You would think that that would be an easy thing to do, but most times I didn't realize that I was being disrespectful in the first place.  It doesn't help that Levi does not share when he is feeling disrespected so that leaves me feeling unsure and unsteady.  I need him to lead me.

 

Default Yes:

 

This is a highly debated topic and one that I have looked at from every angle to come to my conclusion.  But what it boiled down to is my faith.  Here is my take on it for what it is worth.  Sex is extremely important to Levi.  When I say no to him, I reject him...even if I am only rejecting the sex.  I have decided to always say yes.  Now whether that means that we have actual intercourse or not is debatable...sometimes that just isn't going to happen even if both of us want to.  Am I always totally into it and enthusiastic?...no.  Some argue that maybe women should not say yes all the time when their spouse isn't "doing it" for them so that they will learn, yet those same people are irritated if women use sex as punishment or to get what they want.  Does anyone else see the problem there?  That won't work for me...the lines are too blurry and I don't trust myself not to turn it into manipulation.  So I will always say yes.  Saying no in marriage is a bad habit that is too easy to slide into.  Levi has told me that he doesn't even mind if I say no anymore because he knows that I will say yes 99.9% of the time.  I told him that I won't say no, but he knows when I am not all that interested.  What finally made my decision for me was my faith.  God says I should not say no and neither should he...so there you go.


I am excited about our growth in the next year...hopefully you don't mind me sharing with you.