Fragile Strength

I love stained glass windows.  Not only are they a beautiful work of art, but because of the nature of the small pieces of glass, they are such a contradiction.  They are very fragile and require care and restoration, yet when properly cared for, they can last for centuries.

This work of art is one of my favorites.  I took an art history class in college and we learned about art in the early cathedrals of Europe.  This is the "Bishop's Eye" located in Lincoln Cathedral in Lincoln, England.   The cathedral was consecrated in 1092 and the window was added later.  The window dates to the 1300s, although was broken by soldiers during war times and rebuilt in 1788 using broken pieces of glass from other windows in the cathedral.  I love the half circles that touch in the middle and the heart shapes throughout and most of all I love that it was built from something broken.

 

 

Why in the world am I talking about stained glass windows?  Well, it has been a while since I have used a metaphor for my marriage, and something happened this weekend that can be illustrated by the fragile strength of this beautiful stained glass window. 

 

I have shared with you all before that certain events in our marriage threatened it close to the breaking point.  We were able to put the pieces back together in a way that it was stronger and more beautiful than before.  There are still weak points.  The glass itself can be weak like the weaknesses in our character or our relationship or outside forces like temptation or negativity can act upon the glass and cause it to shatter.  Picking up the pieces is a long and arduous process.  One must decide if it is worth it or if you should just get a new window.  But what if you could have a window that looks like this beautiful stained glass window when you were done, even if it took years and constant restoration.  It would be worth it, right?

 

There are still weak points, still little pieces of glass that are broken and need to be replaced, but the window stands the test of time.  It's strength lies in the glue that is holding it all in place.  It all comes down to how strong the cement/lead/stone is that holds the glass together and that must also be restored and watched carefully. 

 

It truly is a work of art...one that has this fragile strength.

 

It reminds me of marriage.  We all have weak points.  And we don't live in a vacuum.  We will constantly be bombarded by outside forces.

 

 



Maybe there was a little rock that weakened the glass and because it was ignored over time the glass continued to get weaker until you have a large crack that threatens the integrity of the glass.  These are those little things that you just try to let go and never talk about.  Pretty soon you think that you have forgotten about it, but it has grown and festered into something that threatens your relationship.

 

 

 

Maybe life's storms were relentlessly pounding on you and your were left with large dents and cracks all over...leaving you overwhelmed with the repairs.  Maybe you lost your job, lost a child, infertility, your house was foreclosed on, you struggle with depression, or any other of life's hail.  The strength of your marriage is threatened and hopefully it will hold up to the onslaught.

 

Sometimes you think you have fixed the glass and have a good seal only to realize when it rains that it leaks, slowly destroying.  Things like resentment and lack of forgiveness seep in without you realizing it. 

 

 



Maybe someone took a hammer to your glass and shattered it in one fell swoop.  These are those things like infidelity, addiction, abuse.  Sometimes the damage is so bad that you just can't fix it.  If you are able to fix it then you are understandably nervous around hammers.

 

 

 

 

You have to take care of your glass.  You have to keep it clean, you have to check for weak spots constantly and repair damaged or weak areas.  You can't ignore your glass or over time it will fall to pieces.  Once it starts to fall into disrepair, it is harder to fix.  These are like the times that you hear about couples that when the children leave the house, they realize that they have not taken care of their marriage.

 

 

 

Then you have the arduous task of trying to put it all back together into something beautiful or giving up and deciding that it just isn't worth it.

 

 

 

Just remember that this beautiful piece of fragile strength was rebuilt from broken pieces.  And although not as impressive from the outside...

 

 

On the inside, when the light shines through, all the colors come together to truly make something beautiful for you and your spouse to enjoy for your whole lives.

 

I hope that Levi and I are constantly watching for weak spots, caring for our marriage, restoring and changing what doesn't work, weathering the storms, creating strong seals, not ignoring those underlying problems that cause damage when ignored.  I would say that our weekend issues were just a slight windstorm.  Nothing appears to be damaged, but wind can quickly turn into an issue if it isn't dealt with.  Marriage has such a fragile strength.  I hope that yours is strong today, but remember that the fragility is a beautiful thing too.  There is a power in the constant restoration.

 

 



Blogiversary

 

Today is my one year blogiversary! 

 

 

I have learned a lot in the last year and am quite sure that I have a long way to go.  Thanks for the encouraging words and friendship along the way.

 

 

 

Things I have learned:

 

 
 

This Blog is for Me...and You:

 

That even though there are times that I hit publish and think..."why in the world did I publish that!" and get the urge to hit delete, that these are feelings I have.  For example, my last post has really been bothering me.  I wrote it last week and hoped that I would be able to talk to Levi about some things over the weekend and just couldn't.  The time never seemed right...oh, who am I kidding...I just couldn't find the words.  Reading it today makes me feel a bit ashamed.  I fully realize how blessed I am to be able to do the things that I do.  But the feelings are real, the guilt is real, I am not perfect and you know what...other people need to know that too.  They need to know that they are not alone in their feelings and maybe seeing how I process things might help someone else.  It is good to feel that you are not alone in the world.

 

 

 

From Cactus to Succulent:

 

So when I started this blog, I had come to the realization that I was a cactus...especially in my marriage.  I would protect myself by poking him if he got too close...whether it was with my words or my attitude.  The poking was often motivated by fear.  Whether it was fear of unmet needs, loss of control that wasn't mine to begin with, fear that if I didn't take care of something that it wouldn't get done the right way and more.  I often thought I was "helping" Levi by telling him how to do things.  One of the first things that I did was decide not to tell him how to drive and to let him drive unless he asks me to...no directions, no sucking in my breath when I think he should brake...nothing.  Now sometimes that meant that I had to close my eyes or stare out the side window, but I actually enjoy him driving now and it was an easy way to show him what I am doing.  I also decided to be silent if I couldn't think of a nice way to say something.  My "Thumper" rule.  That one is harder but I can honestly say that I am no longer a cactus (most of the time), but there are still major walls that should come down.  I would say that I am a bit thick skinned around Levi and am not fully vulnerable.  Some of that is work that he needs to do to be quite honest.  I can't do everything alone.  So I guess I am a succulent plant...one with very thick skin who doesn't take in much water, but at least doesn't poke you.  Someday I hope to be the beautiful bloom that I am supposed to be.

 

 

 

His Pants, her...pants?:

 

My whole goal at the beginning of this journey was to surrender the pants in the family to their rightful owner.  For a while, I put down the pair of pants completely.  I wanted to make sure that Levi knew and understood that I was serious.  I really want him to lead this family.  I am doing better, but I suppose my expectations are not exactly reality.  I still have pants on.  They are girly pants I suppose, but not fully a skirt either.  I realize that may not make any sense to you, but it does to me.  Levi is a bit reluctant in certain areas to lead.  I don't know what to do about that or how to get him to at least give me input as to his wants in certain areas, so that it feels more like he delegated, than the separation I feel when I am in charge of this and he is in charge of that.  I feel like in certain areas he just wants me to do it, but I don't know what he wants and often feel overwhelmed...the areas we need to work on are finances and the kids.  At least he is wearing pants...we'll get there.

 

 

Submission/Silence not synonymous:

 

When I first started this journey to being my husband's help meet or trying to surrender or being submissive or whatever else you want to call it, I thought that being submissive was pretty close to being silent. I think that the reason I thought that, was that I needed to be silent for a while.  Let me explain. I had manipulated and unknowingly steam rolled over my husband for so long that he did not want to pick up those pants that I was giving up. I had to be silent for a while so that he would gain the confidence to pick up the pants, let alone put them on. I always thought that submission meant that I would have to give up my hopes and dreams.  Well, that isn't how it works at all is it?  At least not for me.  Submission is not a cake walk.  It has been well worth it in the areas that I have been successful at it.  At first I exaggerated the submission in order to make Levi realize what I was trying to do.  I have slowly begun to carefully voice my opinions.  It is difficult because I want to make sure that I am being respectful.  You would think that that would be an easy thing to do, but most times I didn't realize that I was being disrespectful in the first place.  It doesn't help that Levi does not share when he is feeling disrespected so that leaves me feeling unsure and unsteady.  I need him to lead me.

 

Default Yes:

 

This is a highly debated topic and one that I have looked at from every angle to come to my conclusion.  But what it boiled down to is my faith.  Here is my take on it for what it is worth.  Sex is extremely important to Levi.  When I say no to him, I reject him...even if I am only rejecting the sex.  I have decided to always say yes.  Now whether that means that we have actual intercourse or not is debatable...sometimes that just isn't going to happen even if both of us want to.  Am I always totally into it and enthusiastic?...no.  Some argue that maybe women should not say yes all the time when their spouse isn't "doing it" for them so that they will learn, yet those same people are irritated if women use sex as punishment or to get what they want.  Does anyone else see the problem there?  That won't work for me...the lines are too blurry and I don't trust myself not to turn it into manipulation.  So I will always say yes.  Saying no in marriage is a bad habit that is too easy to slide into.  Levi has told me that he doesn't even mind if I say no anymore because he knows that I will say yes 99.9% of the time.  I told him that I won't say no, but he knows when I am not all that interested.  What finally made my decision for me was my faith.  God says I should not say no and neither should he...so there you go.


I am excited about our growth in the next year...hopefully you don't mind me sharing with you.




 

 

 

 



Imagine a Job

Imagine you had a job

a job you liked most days

loved some days

loathed others

some days you are on top of your game

you accomplish everything on your list

You Rock

others you are completely unmotivated or overwhelmed

your list weighs on you

things literally pile up

people depend on you

if you don't do your job

people won't eat

they won't have a clean place to live

they won't get to where they are supposed to be

you feel that you have one of the most important jobs ever

but you are losing your center

things seem to be spinning away

you receive little input about the job you do

no pay

no atta boy

no I would rather you do it this way

you make the decisions for your job on your own

with little feedback

you manage people

you shop for people

you serve people

you love them

those people don't always appreciate what you do

you show up to this job

sick or healthy

and some days you just don't feel like it

imagine that you begin to realize that you are not doing this job as well as you should

you can't get a cut in pay

you can't get fired

your work is not very appreciated

by those you are serving or the outside world

but they do notice when tasks aren't completed

you know that this job will be fruitful sometime in the future

you should do this job just because it is what you have been called to do, right?

you should do this job because you want to be successful at it

peoples lives depend on it

but some days you just don't want to

some days you are tired

some days you are just plain lazy

this upsets you

some days you want to throw in the proverbial towel

you want to do a good job

you want to be appreciated

you want to be held accountable

you want someone to care what you do

what you don't do

about the things you want to do

you try to hold yourself accountable

but it is easy to get distracted

to lose focus

to feel guilty for not accomplishing your tasks

what do you do?

if holding yourself accountable

and doing it because you know that you are supposed to

doesn't work

what do you do?

ask for help?

but how does one help someone in this predicament?

I don't know.

I want to be a good wife

a good homemaker

a good mother

I want to love my good life

but sometimes life is freakin hard

sometimes I feel lonely and alone

sometimes it just sucks

sometimes shit happens

and sometimes it is just blah

imagine a job

your life's work

are you doing it well?

am I doing it well?

some days yes

some days no

some days I wish someone would tell me so.

Femininity:Why?

So, I had wanted to publish all these posts in one week, but I had a crazy week and it just wasn't going to happen.  Here is the conclusion to my growth over the last year as it relates to femininity. 

I remember when we first got married that Levi would occasionally get frustrated at how long it would take to get ready to go out on the weekends.  At most, it was probably only and hour and a half.  As children came along it was difficult for me to squeeze in a shower, let alone really do all the "extra stuff", as I liked to call it.  As the kids are getting older, it is getting easier for me to take some time on my appearance.  I haven't heard Levi complain yet.  I haven't talked to him so I don't know if he even realizes that he used to complain about my going out preparation.  Although, that probably didn't have much to do with my lack of effort as much as the kids did. 

But husbands, here is some advice.  If you want your wife to work on her femininity, dress nicer, wear make up, fix her hair, etc. then you need to allow her the time.  That doesn't mean that she can take all day or that if you tell her reservations are at 6 and she doesn't start getting ready until 5:30 that you can't be irritated.  But if she needs to start getting ready at 4, then help a girl out.  Watch the kids, pick up the babysitter, and most importantly, compliment her efforts.  If she has just started trying to dress nicely for you and to be honest even if she always dresses nicely, she may be feeling very insecure.  She may wonder if the outfit she chose is appropriate or if her hair that she tried to fix in a new way is sexy or just a messy mop. 

If you don't say anything, and she has put forth extra effort

she will think negatively about the way she looks.

 

 

You are the most important mirror in your wife's life!  Whether she wants to admit it or not.  Don't take that lightly.  This is a very important way that you can love her.

 

Find at least one specific thing to compliment...not just "you look nice" or empty compliments. 

 

Some examples: 

 

"Babe, you look hot in that skirt." with a little butt grab for effect.

"Beautiful" while staring at her and holding her face.

"Can't wait to mess up that hair later."  wink, wink.

 

We will eat it up.  Right, ladies?

 

When I started surrendering, I began to look for obvious ways of handing over the pants in the family.  One of the things that I read from other ladies is that they would dress like the lady of the house and that would help them to remember who the leader, the captain, the head of household and the man was. 

 

Why am I trying to be more feminine?

 

I do it because God told me to.

 

 

 

I don't go to church every Sunday, but I live by faith.  When I asked what I could do to make our marriage better...I have no doubt in my mind that he led me here.  He leads me still.

 

 

 

I do it for Levi.

 

 

He seems happier and more attracted to me when I dress like a woman.  It doesn't mean that I always do, nor does he expect it, but he appreciates my efforts.

 

 

I do it for me.

 

 

 

 

I feel better about myself when I am "put together".  Even when I wear my jeans, if I have jewelry, a little makeup, and my legs are shaved, then I am going to feel better than if I just rolled out of bed to put them on.

 

I do it for us.

 

 

 

 

Dressing and acting more femininely reminds me to be submissive.  It reminds me that I truly do want Levi to lead and helps me to remember to give up the control and criticism cycle.   It makes me feel vulnerable...in a good way, which then leads to me being a good wife, help meet, and first officer.  When I act in a more feminine way, Levi comforts and treasures me in a way that is different.  I am not sure that I can explain it.  I feel...cherished.

 

Applying these things to my life has been more important than losing that extra twenty five pounds that I need to lose.   Certainly, I will still work on that goal and part of the reason that I didn't try to dress up, etc. was influenced by my not liking how I look and wanting to hide in my sweat pants. 

 

This is a message for the ladies...if your husband tells you that you look beautiful...even if you don't think you look beautiful...believe him.  Say thank you.  Be coy and flirtatious.  I have learned over this last year that my ignoring or denying Levi's compliments was disrespectful, disheartening, and unattractive to him.  I was insulting his taste.  I was saying that I didn't trust his opinion.  I was pointing out imperfections that he didn't see.

 

I have learned a lot this year and will be telling you more in the coming weeks as I near my one year blogiversary.  I still have a long way to go, but I feel so amazing about how far I have come.  I think back, and if someone had told me last year that I needed to be more feminine...I would have spouted off something about how I don't have to dress like a woman or act like one, yet I would still be expected to be treated like one.  But if I had been honest with myself, there was a part of me that felt like I wasn't being true to who I was supposed to be.

 

 

 

 



Femininity:Dress

My go to outfit is a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.  That has begun to change a bit over the last year.  Putting together clothes and accessories is not my forte.  In fact, if Levi and I had something to attend I would have to send pics of myself to a friend of mine to get her opinion.  I am just not one of those people that is "put together" all the time.  I have accepted that, BUT I have decided to at least try. 

Skirts and Dresses

I used to only wear a dress to church on Sunday or maybe a fancy date.  And that wasn't all the time, as I wore slacks often.  I just wasn't comfortable in "girl clothes."  Levi would always notice if I dressed up or put make up on.  I thought this was so sweet that he noticed, but then I thought...um...if he is noticing then maybe that is a sign that I am not doing it often enough.  It kind of flipped a switch in my head.  He bought me a dress last year.  I fell in love with it and have since bought more like it.  They are so freakin' comfortable!  It is a Rayon and Spandex blend strapless dress that can also be worn as a skirt.  I now have long ones and short ones, they can be dressed up or dressed down and, here anyway, they can be worn in any season.  I don't really like my arms so sometimes I wear a little half sweater.  Here is an example, although this isn't the one I have:

 



 

Before you think that I am going to give you a lot of fashion advice, I am NOT a fashionista...by any stretch of the imagination.  I want to be comfortable and didn't think that I could be in a dress or skirt, but these have proven me wrong and it has opened up the possibilities.  Levi loves them...he can't seem to keep his hands to himself:)  In my every day "job" this doesn't work.  I have grunge clothes for cleaning and such, but I have tried to be conscious of changing when I leave the house or before Levi comes home.  He doesn't know that I spent the whole day in a tank top and sweat shorts...and he doesn't care, but he loves that I take a little extra effort. 

 

Dressing this way makes me feel like a woman and reminds me of my submission.  It reminds me that I want to be "girly" and helps me leave the pants to my husband.

 

Jewelry and Accessories

 

Before surrendering, I pretty much wore my watch and ring.  That was it...I was not so good at the accessory thing...I didn't change my purse out.  I used it until it fell apart and then bought another.  I didn't buy jewelry.  Well that has changed too.  I still don't wear a lot of jewelry but I try to put at least one item on besides my usual.  A chunky bracelet, a pretty necklace, flattering earrings, etc.  If I only put one on then I don't have to worry much about them matching.

 



 

 

Levi doesn't notice the jewelery so much, but I do and it makes me feel good.

 

 

Makeup

 

This one is still a tough one for me.  I don't wear it often.  I try to wear it at least a couple of times per week.  But I try every day to wear lip gloss and I do take care of my skin.  I wear a moisturizing sunscreen and wash my face.  I have discovered makeup primer.  Oh my gosh that stuff rocks!  So even when I don't have the time or desire to put on the makeup I put on the primer and it is amazing what it alone covers.  I am not actually that good at applying makeup either, but am trying new things.  When I do wear it, it is very natural.  Most people don't notice I have it on.  Here is a pic of before/after primer.  

 

 

Shoes

 

I have a confession to make.  I used to love shoes and bought shoes all the time...then came three kids who outgrow their shoes in 2.2 minutes (I mean months) and all the other crap they need and my shoes don't seem that important.  I have about ten pair of shoes and over half of them are flip flops.  I wear flip flops all year.  And I will always wear flip flops, but I am trying out some other casual shoes.  Like the wedge and ballet flat...I like my flip flops better, but am trying to mix it up.

 

                            

 

Style

 

I am aware of my style changing and I really like it.  It is almost as if I am just now finding my style.  I don't shop alone, though.  I have a fear of color and have a few great friends that are really good at helping me choose different styles and colors.  I am also being open to Levi's suggestions...he's the one that has to look at me...and not just automatically shut them down.

 

I won't give up my jeans completely though.

 

You can take a girl out of the jeans, but you can't take the jeans out of the girl.

 



Femininity:Habits

Every time I think of breaking habits, I think of this song:

I don't even like this song....ugh....so annoying.  Anyway, I have in the past year broken some bad habits and practiced some good ones.  None of my bad habits were too awful.  I used to smoke in college and shortly after...now, that was a nasty habit.  I realize that my habits aren't all that bad, but I am trying to be more feminine and I have found that certain habits help and some do not.

Some unladylike bad habits that are hard to break:

 

Chewing Gum

 

I loved my gum...bubbles, smacking and all.  Until one morning I awoke with a horrible case of TMJ.  I couldn't eat....talk....it was horribly painful.  I went to the dentist and her advice...a mouth guard (I was clenching in my sleep), muscle relaxers until it felt better and I was sleeping better, and NO MORE GUM.  Apparently not only is gum not good for your teeth and can cause or worsen TMJ, but it also gives you gas and well, how do I put this lightly, it's not very attractive.  I miss my gum:(

 

Nail Biting

 

I bite my nails and cuticles.  Ugh...I think mostly it is due to nervousness and boredom.  If I get a manicure and have my nails painted then I don't bite them, so I am trying to keep my nails manicured to curb this habit. 

 

 

Swearing

 

I don't do it often and never in front of the kids, but swearing is an unladylike habit.  I know this and yet, for some reason when I write, I sometimes wish to place a few $(&*# in my writing...maybe so I can express my nonverbal cues of how #&#$&%(* upset I am about something?  I don't know, but am trying to do better in this area.

 

 

Lip Biting

 

I have been told that I have beautiful lips, so why am I messing them up?  I don't know, but I need to cut it out...my lips get slightly chapped and I bite the layer of skin off.  Probably another nervous habit...what to do with all this nervous energy?  Wearing lip gloss helps a bit.  Any other thoughts on this one would be much appreciated.

 



Some Habits that make me feel more feminine:

 

 

Smiling

 

Smiling changes a person's face.  I used to try to get through a place unnoticed.  I would not make eye contact and would just go about my day.  I have begun to smile.  At EVERYONE.  Yes, I am the crazy lady that smiles at everyone and you know what?  It feels good.  At first it felt awkward and a few people gave me funny looks...geez how embarrassing:), but occasionally someone whom I wouldn't have even noticed before smiles back and their whole face changes.  They would go from serious to glowing, just because they smiled.  Occasionally, I even say hi or good morning.  It only was really awkward once when I smiled at a guy at the grocery store and he hit on me...dude, I wasn't hitting on you...just smiling here:)  I didn't really say that...I mumbled something along the lines of "I'm happily married, but thank you."  Try it:) Smiling, not hitting on someone.

 

Grooming

 

 

Nothing like a great haircut to make you feel better about your appearance...I don't get mine cut often enough, but love it when I do.  Most men appear to like long hair...Levi is weird...he likes mine short...not super short, just shoulder short.  Ask your man what he likes.

 

 

Waxing/Shaving/Plucking and other forms of torture: yes, I do them, although I no longer wax my bikini area.  No longer makes it sound like I have done it often...only once.  Good grief...apparently people with sensitive and fair skin can sometimes break blood vessels...By the time I left, my bikini area looked like it caught the measles.  Shaving for me, thank you.  When your husband cringes at your efforts after waxing, I think it is safe to say he gets it and won't hold it against you.  I need to shave my legs more often...having light hair has it's benefits until your man touches your legs.

 

 

 

Nails: I love having my nails done, but it is expensive...I do them at home most of the time, but am bad about it...trying to improve here.

 

Skin so soft: I have tried to make it a habit to put on lotion every night. I love Levi's hands on me...making it as soft as possible so he will do it often...very often...like a lot.

 

 

If I feel more feminine, then I act more feminine...which to me translates: If I feel more feminine, then I might not act like a controlling shrew and will be very attractive to my husband which means I might have some mind blowing sex, intimacy, and happiness.  Just a thought...



 

 

 

 



 

 



Femininity:Carriage and Posture

I am coming up on my one year blogiversary soon and decided that I will try over the next few weeks to talk about some of the things that I have learned and am putting into practice.  After a while of being in and out of blogging, my mind has been racing with all of the post ideas.  It is amazing how when writing you can have dry times and then times of TOO many ideas.  I tell you this so that if I ramble, repeat, or following me begins to resemble a zig-zag path, you might forgive me:)

This week I want to talk about graceful femininity.  When I began to surrender last year I read many blogs on this elusive subject.  To some of you this seems to come quite easily.  At first, I did not even understand what it meant or why I should be doing it.  I sent a lot of query emails to ask what this was to others in order to gather the information to decide what I could do and what felt natural for me.  Some wear dresses and skirts all the time, some never leave the house without makeup, and more.  I have picked and chosen what will work for me and have begun to put them into practice.  I do not consider myself any sort of expert...I am just sharing what works for me.  I will talk later this week about why I have found it important.

Carriage: the manner of holding and moving one's head and body, bearing and posture

Sit Like a Lady

 

When I was a little girl I was often admonished to sit like a lady.  I ask you how in the world, when in a dress and required to sit criss-cross, was I supposed to be ladylike.  I began to roll my eyes at a young age...seriously!?  I just decided that wearing dresses was just too difficult.  I wanted to climb and swing and wrestle with my brother.  I was a quintessential tom boy.  At the dinner table, I grew tired of hearing sit up straight Bea, when you get older you will have a hunchback Bea, ad nauseum.

In high school I was a dancer and was a little more feminine, but still no where near sitting and standing like a lady. Because I danced, my posture was probably at its best here.  In order to maintain balance and elegance in the dance you had to keep your spine straight. 

Something happened in college.  A slouch was fashionable...so was wearing pajamas to class, but that is a post for another day.  As I aged and with each kid my slouch became worse...heavy breasts and a diminishing of ab muscles made it painful to sit up straight with my shoulders back.

Bones

 

I suffer from back and neck problems.  For a long time I blamed them on my large breasts and my lack of ab muscles.  I have some knee issues as well that I often blame on the extra 25 pounds that I carry around.  But after a visit to the chiropractor and while researching feminine posture, I have learned that my issues are probably more due to my posture.  My chiropractor schooled me on the long term problems that poor posture causes...including knee replacement and having to put pins in your neck and back.  Yikes!!  He says it effects your muscles as well.  It stretches some muscles to the point of pulling vertebrae out of place and some muscles that should remain activated (your abs) get weak which only exacerbates the problem.  From your neck down and your feet back up...our bones are all affected by the alignment of the others.

So, not only am I working on my carriage for femininity's sake but also for my health.

Slouch

 

It doesn't matter how nicely you dress, if you slouch, it doesn't look feminine.  So I suppose I am trying to sit more like a lady 30 some odd years after my parents admonished me to "sit up straight" and stop "slouching"!  Better late than never right. 

Important things about posture

Sitting - I have trouble with this one the most.  It is very easy to sit slouched and takes a lot of effort and reminding at first to sit properly.  Slouching is a hard habit to break!!

And when I first started trying to sit with good posture, it felt awkward.  It felt like I was sticking my breasts out unnaturally and it was difficult to remember to keep my abs tight.  I would catch myself relaxing into a slouch.  It has gotten better, but I still catch myself.  When I first sit, I try to rotate my pelvis forward (otherwise it is easy for me to get into a sway back position-which isn't good either), tighten my abs, roll my shoulders back and drop them into a relaxed position, and pretend there is a string pulling my neck straight up from my spine.

When I was in dance, in warm ups we would often stretch our backs.  Stand up straight with your feet shoulder width apart.  Hold your abs tight, and tilt the pelvis forward so that you aren't bending at the waist but by each backbone.  Roll your shoulders back and then drop them in a relaxed position (not forward, but not by your ears either).  We would then roll our heads down and reach down to touch our toes concentrating on each vertebrae as we went.  Then we would roll ourselves back to a standing position again concentrating on each vertebrae.  You can do that sitting as well.  It is probably Calisthenics or something, but it feels really good. (FYI-not a doctor here...take my advice knowing that:))  My chiropractor gave me lots of exercises to stretch and strengthen my back...ask yours what might be good for you.

I have also learned that crossing your legs is not good for you.  It restricts blood flow which can lead to varicose veins and also may throw your back out.  A better way to sit in a ladylike fashion is this:

At a desk or table, if you can without showing anything, it is better to sit with you feet hip length apart.



Standing and walking -

 

 

Try this experiment: Stand up and slouch...now walk holding the slouch.  Feel like Meg Ryan-okay, sorry, I love her, but she walks like a man.  Ok, now stand up straight and walk. You want some fries with that shake?  Which felt more feminine?...nuff said.

 

 

Body Language

 

Sitting in a slouching position expresses boredom and a lack of interest.  Standing in a slouching position can show a lack of confidence.  Men are attracted to confidence and someone who shows an interest in them.  But my husband knows I am interested in what he has to say, right?  Is he?  Think about how you feel when he has the same posture.  Are you attracted to him?  Do you feel like he is interested in what you are saying?

 

I know my inner voice was trying to convince me that he should just love me however and I shouldn't have to work so hard to attract him, but then I continue to expect him to woo me. I realized it wasn't fair and that it can be fun and exciting to build up attraction. When I changed how I was looking at it, I had a much better attitude which I will talk more about later in the week.

 

Feminine Wiles as relates to Carriage

 

Wiles are anything we use to entice or lure.  How does how we carry ourselves entice our husband.  I have tried a few of these things with Levi...Wow, I had no idea how easy it was.  Now I can tell you at first, I felt ridiculous with a capital R!!  But now I find it fun.

 

 

When Levi is walking behind me, I focus on how I am walking.  I stand up straight and walk slightly exaggerated with my hips.  Then I look over my shoulder with a smile and sometimes say, "Enjoying the view?" 

 

 

If I am handing him something and he is sitting, I try to encourage him to look by showing him a bit of cleavage.  If he is sitting at the computer I will hug him from behind making sure to lean into him a bit leading with, well, you know.

 

I am not comfortable with my naked body.  But I am working on that and working on my posture and feeling comfortable with it.  Some of the things that I try to do while naked in the hopes that Levi can sneak a peek: (Obviously with kids in the house, I have to do these things before bed or when I know that they aren't going to barge in)

 

apply lotion

 

 

fixing hair

 

 

apply makeup

 

 

and thanks to some advice I got here:)...waiting in bed and I throw in a stretch for good measure.

 

I am going to share with you all that I don't feel comfortable at all and am completely self conscious, but Levi has never complained and says now he likes to come and watch "the show" when I am getting ready for bed or for the day.

 

Do you have any ideas about feminine posture or carriage?  Please share!  Later this week I will talk about feminine habits, dress, attitude and share why I think this is important for my marriage.  Have a good day!