Such a Man

So I told Levi how much I liked the way he calmly stated that the bathroom needed to be cleaned that you can read about in "This Room Needs Attention."  He kind of looked at me a little funny and didn't seem to remember what he had said, but was very happy that the bathroom was sparkling and we got busy with the kids and the conversation just ended.

We got the kids to bed and headed off to bed ourselves.  He was sitting on the bed when I walked in our bedroom door and pointed at his package and said,

"This needs attention." 

"Oh Really? I think it has had attention several times this week," said while trying not to laugh at his clever come on.

"This always needs attention," said with his sexy smirk.

"Hmmm....I should get right on that then."

Bwahahahaha...Love when love is like this:)

This Room Needs Attention

"This room needs attention."

This is what Levi said to me yesterday while we were getting the kids ready for bed.  I gave a noncommittal hmm, as I was in the middle of wrestling pajamas on a wriggling three year old.  The room in question was the bathroom that our three children share that also happens to be our guest bathroom.  We quickly became busy with the bedtime ritual and neither of us said another word.

I thought on it later and instead of the reaction I was expecting of myself...something along the lines of feeling irritated, making excuses, and thinking: well, if it is bothering you so much, why don't you clean it...I surprisingly wasn't upset at all.  In fact, I knew that that bathroom had not been cleaned in a week and was getting kind of nasty.  For those of you who can't imagine how gross it had gotten in a week's time and may not have three little ones using the same small bathroom, it may have looked something like this:

 
Add some toothpaste on the sink, beach towels and swimsuits thrown haphazardly over the tub, close the cabinet doors and add a step stool with a wooden boat made at camp on it...oh and pee on the floor, as my boys still somehow miss the toilet, and this would be pretty darn close.

I knew that I needed to make it a priority to clean it today as it would embarrass us both to allow guests to use it.  I knew that we have had a very busy week and I had not been on the kids to accomplish their chores which included a wipe down of the toilet seat and sink every other day.  But I was still surprised at myself that I wasn't upset by his proclamation. 

He said it calmly, without negative inflection, just a statement of fact.

His normal reaction to something about the house that is bothering him would be to sigh, huff and puff loudly while he banged things around a minute and walked away...very passive aggressive and unattractive, and usually would cause me to be very irritated and wouldn't exactly foster closeness between us. 

I have friends whose husbands have reacted in similarly negative ways such as: "This house is a wreck...what do you do all day?"  "Is this the best you can do?" "When are you going to take care of this mess?"  All of these men are good men and are probably just trying to express something that is bugging them, but it all seems to insult and automatically puts their wives on the defensive.

"This room needs attention." 

You are right...it does.  Guess what room I made sure the kids and I cleaned today?  I need to tell him that I really liked the way that he told me that the messy bathroom was bothering him and I can't wait until he sees that it is done and sparkling. 

It is amazing to me sometimes how it is the little things we say to each other than can

make a world of difference.

Hmmmm...the kids are going to have to hold it until he gets home. Just kidding...they can go outside.

 

Bandwagons

I really hate it when people say, "Oh, so you jumped on that bandwagon."  They almost sound like they are just waiting for you to fall off and they want to enjoy the satisfaction of you not staying on the bandwagon like it is some horrible place to be and they doubt you could tough it out anyway.  I guess it does seem like a lot of people are falling off bandwagons.  I suppose it depends on what the bandwagon is.

 

What is my issue with the bandwagon anyway?  If the bandwagon is a positive choice, then why do I not like being told that I jumped on it.  I think it is because it implies that I am a follower and just jumped on it because everyone else does.  And then people fall off it and jump on the next bandwagon that comes along.  The thing is, if I am going to jump on a bandwagon then I am going to observe it for a while, study it, make sure that it is the bandwagon for me.  I may even study so long that I miss the bandwagon completely.  Other bandwagons don't interest me at all.  I don't follow lightly, but I am not much of a pave the way sort of person either.

With my recent health issues I have done a lot of research, which is very difficult considering some of the crap they print on the internet.  You have to find the information and then you have to make sure that the information isn't made up by some idiot for the purpose of misleading the populace.  So exhausting.  Anyway, I have done a lot of research on some of the health issues that I have and the impact that food has on them. 

So, the bandwagon I suppose I am jumping on is the quasi Paleo/Eat Real Food movements.  I got kind of upset when someone told me that I was "jumping on a bandwagon"...I am telling them that I am eating less processed food, more fruits, vegetables, and lean meat.  It is actually a lifestyle that makes sense to me.  Unlike some of the strange fads like eat only cabbage for 10 days or whatever else someone makes up. 

Why Quasi?  I have one leg hanging off the bandwagon cause there are just some things I refuse to take out of my diet completely...ex: cheese, wine, cheese and wine, etc.  I have begun my journey to eat better and you know what...it is a pain in my bahonkus.  I have gotten so used to convenience foods, that cooking all this real food is an adjustment.  I have to put more thought into meals, I have to clean more dishes...but you know what:

I feel better! 

And the only meal that I have changed is breakfast.  I figured it would be easier if I changed one meal at a time.  I have more energy and less reflux. I have made some easy, awesome tasting stuff that doesn't make me regret eating it later.  It's great!

 

I guess if eating real food is a bandwagon then I will encourage you to hop on...the view is kinda cool from up here...and you can come join me in my little corner of the bandwagon if you want...



I got the cheese and wine.  Shhhhhh...don't tell anyone, they might kick us off!

False Peaks, Fat Ladies and Premature Celebrations

 

We are coming to an end of sorts and a beginning of sorts...it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...hahaha...anyway, too much caffeine today.  We have a bottle of champagne in the fridge and Levi keeps wanting to open it and celebrate the sale and purchase of our new home.  The thing is we have not officially sold the old home or purchased the new one.  And I just can't let him open the bottle of champagne yet.  I have not heard any fat ladies.

 

I love reading stories of mountain climbers...in particular stories of Mt. Everest.  I am amazed, encouraged, and awed at the determination, dedication, and sometimes huge risks that mountain climbers exhibit just to reach the top of a mountain.  Although I love to hike, I will not be the huge mountain climbing sort.  I have lived at sea level all of my life.  I get a headache in tall buildings, but I love to hear the stories.  Mountain climbers can sometimes experience something called "false peak" or "false summit."  Basically it just means that they see what they think is the top of the mountain in the distance and when they reach that point they realize that it was not in fact the peak and they have further to go.  This phenomenon can be psychologically detrimental to the climber and often causes them to give up before they reach the top.  It can make them feel like a failure.

 

I experienced this once while climbing a large rock that is 425 feet tall on a trail that is a little more than half a mile.  I realize many of you live in and around mountains and this would not be anything of note, but for me this was not truly difficult, but very exciting.  It required only the occasional use of hands and no equipment was necessary.  Considering the tallest things around here are freeway interchanges and skyscrapers, it was fun and a new experience.  It is very discouraging to say the least to think you are almost to the top and then realize that you have more to go.  I would rather have gotten to the top by surprise.

I can't open the champagne because I fear that that "peak" is not truly the "peak."  I worry that if we celebrate and start to get excited that something will happen and we won't be truly done with the process.  This is unusual for me as I am a glass half full kind of person most of the time.  I just don't want to be let down, but I wonder if I am letting my husband down. 

Is my fear interfering with my happiness and excitement or am I just being cautious?

Am I protecting Levi from disappointment or dampening his excitement?

How can I protect my feelings and share in this excitement with him?

Shouldn't I just be excited and have faith that him and I can push past any false summits together?

Aren't false summits there to teach us something?

How can I get past the fear to enjoy the journey?

Should we just open the damn champagne already and celebrate the trail ahead or is it a bit premature?

What's in Your Closet?

 

 

I am not sure why I thought I was going to have more time after having the house ready to put on the market.  I am also wondering why none of you pointed out that I may in fact be delusional and need to hang up my fairy wings and step off my unicorn.  It has been crazy around here!

We put the house on the market and had almost 20 showings in 4 days.  Keep in mind that I have three kids and a dog.  That was an adventure!!  We received 5 offers.  We are waiting to close at the end of the month and have gone out 4 times to look at homes.  It was so much easier to pick a house with no kids.  You could focus on the house and the neighborhood.  With kids you have to think about the house, the neighborhood, the schools, nearby activities, check for registered offenders, etc. etc.!  We did find one finally after being outbid on our first choice.  We are now packing. 

Where did all this stuff come from? 

I loved moving in college.  Everything you owned fit in one vehicle.  You threw some crap in garbage bags or luggage and tossed it to your friend out the second floor window, carried down your fish and microfridge and you were good to go.  Even when you get married and get your first apartment you barely have enough to fill the closets and cabinets and you sell your second hand furniture before you move into your first house.  Then you have children...

And you ask yourself...Where did all this stuff come from?  Did we just get so busy with the kids that we didn't notice that our closets were about to spill out into the rest of the house?  I am pulling things out of closets that I have not seen since we moved in.  And before anything goes into a box, I am asking myself...Do I really want to move this?  We just had a yard sale and I have three more boxes to go to Goodwill.  And this is after we staged our house and filled a 10X5 storage unit.  And no, my house does not need to be on hoarders.  I think that I need to research becoming a minimalist.

The longer you live, the more and more stuff that gets stuffed in your closets.  Pulling these items out and packing them is a roller coaster ride in and of itself, but then you add the "other" stuff stuffed in the closet that comes to the surface as you pack.

 

I feel like my closet "stuff" is going to suck me into another dimension or deliver the beast like that closet in Poltergeist.  Moving is stressful.  It ranks right up there with getting married, losing a loved one, having a baby, and getting divorced as on of the top stressful events that can occur in one's life.  Add to it a four hour daily commute, stressful job, end of school, swim team, ER visit with our youngest, health issues, camp, expensive vet visit, etc, etc. and the adults in the house are starting to lose it.  The kids might be losing it to.  We arrived at a restaurant the other day and my oldest forgot his shoes.  I think my life could be a tv drama or comedy depending on the day.

This is so not what moving looks like! We find ourselves yelling often, not being patient with each other or the kids, not connecting emotionally, and generally not having any fun. We hardly speak, fall into bed exhausted, snap at each other, and are not having much in the way of horizontal connecting either which puts both of us in a bad mood. 

I know this all will pass and life is good...blah, blah, blah.  I get it, no really, I do! Cleaning out your closets sucks, but is a necessary and freeing experience.  There is crap in there that you hold on to thinking that you need it and find that you don't.  There are things that used to be important and now just aren't anymore.  There are things that you aren't even sure what they go to, where they came from, or why you still have it. 

Does one woman really need 8 bottles of lotion?  Do your children really need 11 baseball caps (4 of which no longer fit)?  What in the world does this little doohickie thingie go to? Do I really need all this emotional baggage that I have stuffed in here?  I would say no and hopefully this stuff can stay here and not follow us to our new home. 

Until then: We will just fake it till we make it:)

Unfinished

I have 5 posts that are sitting unfinished in my drafts.  This isn't how I typically write.  I usually have a thought or issue and sit down to type it all out at once.  I check spelling and hit publish before I chicken out.  Having these unfinished posts is driving me a bit batty.  I am not sure why I thought that because I was finished painting the house (I actually still have a couple of doors-so that isn't even finished) that I would have a little more time to write...which I truly enjoy.  That is not how things have worked out.

Our house went on the market last week and in a matter of days we had almost 20 showings (with three kids and a dog was...well, you can imagine), the kids had dentist appointments, swim practice and a campout, 5 offers came in, the dog got sick and we had two vet visits, our youngest finished her year of school, the boys had events to attend and we had several meetings with our realtor.  I haven't had any time to finish anything.

Have you seen this?:

I will admit that I have closure issues myself.  Apparently it is in my personality type.  I hate when people don't say goodbye, I hate if I have unfinished projects, I hate when a conversation gets interrupted and you can't finish because you can't remember what you were talking about.  I hate getting to the end of a puzzle and realizing that you are missing a piece.  And apparently I hate having unfinished blog posts in my drafts...so much so that I have almost just deleted them all.  I hope that I will be able to finish soon.

 

But all this need to finish got me to thinking..We aren't really ever "finished" are we.  I am reminded that my need to be "finished" and my obsession with it is not allowing me to enjoy where I am at.  We are going house shopping today and I am already worried about everything going just right instead of looking forward to the adventure of finding our new home.  I am a planner by nature and not only does it drive me crazy when things are unfinished, but I also hate having to change my plans.  But I am reminded that someone has my six.  I am reminded that someone has a plan, a plan that is not my own, a plan that will be prosperous and plans for a hopeful future (Jeremiah 29:11). I love this video when God is laughing at Evan about "his" plans.

 

 

I probably will always be a planner and will hate to leave things unfinished, but I will remind myself to be patient because God is not finished with me yet.  That he is the potter that will make something beautiful out of the lump of lifeless clay that I started as.  I will remind myself that he leads me to where he wants me to be even when I don't realize that I was being led.  It is more than okay that I am not finished.  It means that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

 

 

So, I will wait and see.  Oh, don't think I won't plan and worry and have some freak out moments...but what do you expect?...after all, He's not finished with me yet.

 



 

 

Wisdom to Know the Difference

I have written before about how I love the show Renovation Realities (here).  Levi and I were watching a couple of episodes the other day that started a great conversation.  The first one we watched was a kitchen remodel.  Apparently, they wanted to try to sell the cabinets that they were removing from the kitchen.  Now, they started the show explaining that they bought the house and were remodeling the whole thing and living somewhere else.  The husband said that they needed to hurry and finish so that they could stop having two house payments.  If you looked at their old kitchen, it wasn't awful, just a bit boring.  And after watching it, I can with 100% accuracy tell you who doesn't want to live in the house while they remodel it.  I would bet the bank on it.

So, they begin taking down the cabinets and she has something to say every 5 seconds while she stands next to him: "Be careful" "Ugh, Don't scratch the cabinets" "Ooooo be careful" sighing loudly (I have never done that!) and so on.  Her voice was ridiculously whiny.  You could tell that she thought her husband was an idiot and that she could do it better.  He was doing just fine by the way.  This woman drove me nuts.  I felt so sorry for her husband and at the same time was wondering why he didn't tell her, "Enough" or as I read about here, "You done?"  Or even a, "Let me know when you are done and we can continue here," and walking away.  Later, when she happened to be right about something she was trying to tell him, he was in no mood to listen.  I can't say I blame him...I was telling the TV to shut up!  Levi reached over at one particularly annoying part and hit mute.  I am not sure how the man didn't just walk out.  How horrible to be constantly barraged with comments that make you feel like you must not know what you are doing.  I asked Levi, "Please tell me I wasn't that bad!"  He smirked, patted me on the leg and said, "Not quite...she is pretty horrible."

 

The next episode was completely different.  They were also remodeling their kitchen but they had to move a wall and take the walls down to the bare bones.  The wife was pregnant and was therefore a little overly emotional at certain points.  They had to have an inspection and did not pass...they convinced the inspector to hang out for an hour so that they could finish the things that they needed to do to pass inspection.  They had to fill something with nails and insulate the walls.  She had to run to the store to get the insulation and you could tell when she got back that she was starting to stress out, but she pulled it together and helped her husband insulate the kitchen.

She didn't argue.  She didn't berate him for not knowing that the walls had to be insulated.  She just jumped in and did what needed to be done.  They passed inspection and the wife got a little emotional...her husband took her face and said, "We are going to be alright....it's ok."   She immediately calmed and you could tell that she melted a little.  What a difference!  That could have gone differently if he were to blow her off or be too alpha at that point.  She just needed to know that everything was going to be ok.  By the way, the face holding thing...that is hot.

Like Bob says about his Three Little Birds:

 

It got me to thinking about my three year old daughter.  She is me reincarnated...she is that kid that your mom hopes you have that is JUST LIKE YOU.  And sometimes she loses it.  This girl can throw a ridiculous tantrum over the most ridiculous things.  I am a no nonsense, natural consequences kind of mom.  If you throw a fit, you will throw it somewhere else cause I don't want to hear it.  So when she starts up (usually after I have told her no about something) I will give her a chance to cut it out and if she continues then she gets carried to her room (cause otherwise she just drops herself to the floor and I don't want to drag the child) and told that she can come out when she is done.  It is amazing to me how quickly she can turn it off.  And she always comes out cute as ever and says, "Mommy, I stop now:)"  It's enough to drive me insane.

 

 

 

There are other times though that I can tell that she is tired, hungry, an emotional wreck and really upset about something.  Those are the times that I will pick her up and cuddle her and tell her that everything is going to be fine. (and then I usually distract her with something else) There are a few times that I have guessed wrong...like the time that she screamed in her room so long that she just fell asleep...in hindsight we had had a very busy morning and she was probably just overtired (apparently mommy was too:))...or the time I kept trying to console her and then had to put her in her room anyway, but I typically have the wisdom to know the difference.  After all, she is just like me.

 

 

So Levi and I were talking about this, and I shared with him that sometimes I just need him to tell me everything is going to be alright and that I will calm down.  Here lately I have been quite anxious about everything going on in my life (low thyroid doesn't help either).  There are times that he handled this anxiety well and other times not so well.  There are times I handled it well and not so well.  When I get anxious I can't let it go...I don't get down on Levi anymore, but I just question everything.  For example, recently our pilot light went out on the water heater.  Levi relit it...no big deal.  Except with all the anxiety about the house we were laying in bed and I just couldn't let it go.  We were spooning and I just kept saying things like: "But why would it go out? Is that a fire hazard? Do you think it will break? I don't want to have to replace the water heater before we put the house on the market!"  Finally, Levi turned my face, gave me a big kiss, put his hand on my boob and said, "It's fine, now go to sleep."  And I did.  If he had said, "Are you done?", I think it would have made this situation worse.  I think I would have felt like he didn't care and I would have still been anxious. 

 

Now what I am talking about is different than an argument with merit...you can learn how to properly argue with your spouse here: http://www.averagemarrieddad.com/?p=2032 with Average Married Dad.  I am talking about female drama.  Sometimes we just can't help it...it's in our hormones or something.

 

My thought is this: If the freak out is coming from anxiety over a situation or a heart worry, then saying, "Are you done?" and walking away will backfire.  On the flip side, if the freak out is directed at you and over something ridiculous and things are being spouted at you that are not going to help until things are calm, or you can tell that someone is just in a mood, then saying, "Everything is going to be alright." will backfire.

 

The wisdom is knowing the difference.