Wisdom to Know the Difference

I have written before about how I love the show Renovation Realities (here).  Levi and I were watching a couple of episodes the other day that started a great conversation.  The first one we watched was a kitchen remodel.  Apparently, they wanted to try to sell the cabinets that they were removing from the kitchen.  Now, they started the show explaining that they bought the house and were remodeling the whole thing and living somewhere else.  The husband said that they needed to hurry and finish so that they could stop having two house payments.  If you looked at their old kitchen, it wasn't awful, just a bit boring.  And after watching it, I can with 100% accuracy tell you who doesn't want to live in the house while they remodel it.  I would bet the bank on it.

So, they begin taking down the cabinets and she has something to say every 5 seconds while she stands next to him: "Be careful" "Ugh, Don't scratch the cabinets" "Ooooo be careful" sighing loudly (I have never done that!) and so on.  Her voice was ridiculously whiny.  You could tell that she thought her husband was an idiot and that she could do it better.  He was doing just fine by the way.  This woman drove me nuts.  I felt so sorry for her husband and at the same time was wondering why he didn't tell her, "Enough" or as I read about here, "You done?"  Or even a, "Let me know when you are done and we can continue here," and walking away.  Later, when she happened to be right about something she was trying to tell him, he was in no mood to listen.  I can't say I blame him...I was telling the TV to shut up!  Levi reached over at one particularly annoying part and hit mute.  I am not sure how the man didn't just walk out.  How horrible to be constantly barraged with comments that make you feel like you must not know what you are doing.  I asked Levi, "Please tell me I wasn't that bad!"  He smirked, patted me on the leg and said, "Not quite...she is pretty horrible."

 

The next episode was completely different.  They were also remodeling their kitchen but they had to move a wall and take the walls down to the bare bones.  The wife was pregnant and was therefore a little overly emotional at certain points.  They had to have an inspection and did not pass...they convinced the inspector to hang out for an hour so that they could finish the things that they needed to do to pass inspection.  They had to fill something with nails and insulate the walls.  She had to run to the store to get the insulation and you could tell when she got back that she was starting to stress out, but she pulled it together and helped her husband insulate the kitchen.

She didn't argue.  She didn't berate him for not knowing that the walls had to be insulated.  She just jumped in and did what needed to be done.  They passed inspection and the wife got a little emotional...her husband took her face and said, "We are going to be alright....it's ok."   She immediately calmed and you could tell that she melted a little.  What a difference!  That could have gone differently if he were to blow her off or be too alpha at that point.  She just needed to know that everything was going to be ok.  By the way, the face holding thing...that is hot.

Like Bob says about his Three Little Birds:

 

It got me to thinking about my three year old daughter.  She is me reincarnated...she is that kid that your mom hopes you have that is JUST LIKE YOU.  And sometimes she loses it.  This girl can throw a ridiculous tantrum over the most ridiculous things.  I am a no nonsense, natural consequences kind of mom.  If you throw a fit, you will throw it somewhere else cause I don't want to hear it.  So when she starts up (usually after I have told her no about something) I will give her a chance to cut it out and if she continues then she gets carried to her room (cause otherwise she just drops herself to the floor and I don't want to drag the child) and told that she can come out when she is done.  It is amazing to me how quickly she can turn it off.  And she always comes out cute as ever and says, "Mommy, I stop now:)"  It's enough to drive me insane.

 

 

 

There are other times though that I can tell that she is tired, hungry, an emotional wreck and really upset about something.  Those are the times that I will pick her up and cuddle her and tell her that everything is going to be fine. (and then I usually distract her with something else) There are a few times that I have guessed wrong...like the time that she screamed in her room so long that she just fell asleep...in hindsight we had had a very busy morning and she was probably just overtired (apparently mommy was too:))...or the time I kept trying to console her and then had to put her in her room anyway, but I typically have the wisdom to know the difference.  After all, she is just like me.

 

 

So Levi and I were talking about this, and I shared with him that sometimes I just need him to tell me everything is going to be alright and that I will calm down.  Here lately I have been quite anxious about everything going on in my life (low thyroid doesn't help either).  There are times that he handled this anxiety well and other times not so well.  There are times I handled it well and not so well.  When I get anxious I can't let it go...I don't get down on Levi anymore, but I just question everything.  For example, recently our pilot light went out on the water heater.  Levi relit it...no big deal.  Except with all the anxiety about the house we were laying in bed and I just couldn't let it go.  We were spooning and I just kept saying things like: "But why would it go out? Is that a fire hazard? Do you think it will break? I don't want to have to replace the water heater before we put the house on the market!"  Finally, Levi turned my face, gave me a big kiss, put his hand on my boob and said, "It's fine, now go to sleep."  And I did.  If he had said, "Are you done?", I think it would have made this situation worse.  I think I would have felt like he didn't care and I would have still been anxious. 

 

Now what I am talking about is different than an argument with merit...you can learn how to properly argue with your spouse here: http://www.averagemarrieddad.com/?p=2032 with Average Married Dad.  I am talking about female drama.  Sometimes we just can't help it...it's in our hormones or something.

 

My thought is this: If the freak out is coming from anxiety over a situation or a heart worry, then saying, "Are you done?" and walking away will backfire.  On the flip side, if the freak out is directed at you and over something ridiculous and things are being spouted at you that are not going to help until things are calm, or you can tell that someone is just in a mood, then saying, "Everything is going to be alright." will backfire.

 

The wisdom is knowing the difference.