Sunday's song

I had the chance to meet this band before a performance a couple of years ago and they all seemed genuine good guys.  I am usually a very good judge of character...they were real in a way that other musicians I have had the chance to meet have not been.  I love their new song:

Skin Deep

My daughter is four years old and she loves to play dress up.  She particularly likes accessories.  She will throw on a fairy dress, a couple of necklaces, a ring, a purse, play shoes, a headband and about 5 different clips all willy nilly in her hair.  I wish I could share a picture of her (this cutie is not mine), as she has got to be the cutest thing ever.  She then attempts a grand entrance and waits for her accolades.  Everyone exclaims how pretty she looks and with a satisfied grin she hurries off to try on something else.

Everyone is always telling her how beautiful she is...which she is of course...but I wonder at the long term effects of constantly hearing that wherever you go.  I have taught her that it is important to say thank you and am trying to teach her modesty as a few times she has replied with "I know".  Ugh. Eye roll.  Fine line between confidence and vanity my dear.

She often remarks on women she finds beautiful and much to a slight mixture of embarrassment and pride it is often loudly enough for them to hear.  The great thing is that what she finds beautiful is not yet what the world finds beautiful.  For example, she loudly exclaimed how beautiful a woman was at the grocery store the other day.  The woman did not turn from her inspection of pasta sauces and did not appear to hear.  I replied with, "Yes dear, she is."  I have learned that if I don't make some reply, then she just exclaims louder until I acknowledge her.  She then said, "Her hair looks so beautiful!"  The woman looked up and down the aisle and realizing that we were alone looked surprisingly at us.  My daughter was looking at her with a sort of awe and I smiled slightly embarrassed and nodded to the lady's unasked question of "who me?".  The woman replied joyously with thank you and returned to her grocery shopping with a grin.  Her hair truly was gorgeous and that is what my sweet daughter saw.  The woman was not however what the world would call beautiful and she probably does not hear it often.  There was a delivery lady the other day walking by as we waited for her brother to get out of tutoring.  Again my daughter remarked on the woman's beauty.  The woman had the most beautiful skin.  You could tell by the look on her face that she did not believe my daughter but said "thank you" anyway and sauntered off with a little grin.  I would assume that she is probably thinking, "Sure kid, here I am sweating like crazy in my delivery uniform."  She did have gorgeous skin though...like coffee with a touch of cream.

My boys are very different.  I will remark on how handsome they are or how great their new haircut is and the oldest could care less and my middle child tries to hide.  They are both much more comfortable in a pair of athletic shorts and a t-shirt.  My oldest likes to dress up occasionally especially as he gets older and is trying to impress and my middle child hates dressing up.  He acts as if I am torturing him.  They both seem to have positive self images.  My middle child could not understand one day why I would be plucking my eyebrows...he exclaimed in shock, "Doesn't that hurt?" and I replied that it did a little.  "Then why do you do it!?" was his forthright response.  "Well, uh..."  What do you say to that?  Women do a lot of things because the world tells them it is what is deemed beautiful.  My boys have more difficulty with being able to do something well or not...they don't really seem to care too much about their outward appearance, at least for now.

This girl thing is a bit new to me and I really want to get this right.  I do not have the best body image, but I don't want my body image issues to transfer to my daughter.  I also don't want her to think herself better than others because of her beauty.  There is a balance here and I just pray I don't mess this up.  I have amazing kids and I think Levi and I are doing a pretty good job at this parenting thing, but I can tell you that I have NO idea what I am doing.  Messing this part up can have horrible effects on our kids' sense of self and their health.

I have a friend whose mother was so critical and concerned about everything that she ate, that she ended up with bulimia and still struggles with it.  When I was in college, bulimia was a major issue in our dorm.  Our neighbor had to lock up her food so that her roommate wouldn't eat it all and then run down the hall to the bathroom.  The girl was beautiful but she just couldn't see it.  I read a book recently called "I'm no Angel" by Kylie Bisutti a former Victoria Secret model whose descriptions of life as a supermodel and starving herself so that she kept her model body were disturbing to say the least.  She quit the business when she realized how bad this was for her and out of respect for her husband.  This is what our sons and daughters see and think they have to be...but most models do not come by this body without some unhealthy sacrifices.

I also don't want her thinking that she can eat whatever she wants and just lay around and do nothing either.  Overeating is just as dangerous and unhealthy as not eating.  I am overweight and all the women in my family struggle with weight.  It is not something that I have always struggled with, although I thought I was overweight in high school and college, I really wasn't.  A lot of my weight has come with poor food choices and lack of exercise when our children arrived.  I didn't put on a lot of weight with any of the kids, but couldn't lose all of it either.  And the kids got all of my attention...I kind of lost focus or balance for self care.  I put Levi and the kids first and didn't have anything left for me. Of course my recent issues after my partial thyroidectomy and hypothyroidism have made matters worse (as well as aging).  I think I have found the solution to that as I have recently lost ten pounds.  I am very careful about what I say in front of my daughter.  I don't call it a diet, I call it eating healthy. I will talk about those choices in another post.  I am better about self-care now as it is easier now that my kids are older and don't require as much of that constant attention.  I still need to lose at least 15-20 pounds, but more importantly I want to feel good in my skin.

 Some days I like what I see in the mirror and then I will see a picture of myself or pass a mirror somewhere and feel badly about what I see.  I try to focus on loving the things I love about myself (and what Levi loves as he is the one that has to look at me everyday), working on the things I can change and accepting the things I cannot (I'll never be taller for instance and those stretch marks are there to stay).  Sometimes, though, I can get very down about how I look.  It can eat away at me and no amount of positive self talk seems to help.  I will compare myself to others and wonder why I can't look like them.  How can I keep my daughter from feeling this way?  How can I help her to love her body,  take care of it, and have a healthy body image?

I have no idea...

-I do know that kids learn by example not by what you tell them and I need to at least fake a healthy body image and not be self critical in front of her.  That whole do as I say, not as I do form of parenting does not work.
-We are doing a lot more family walks, bike rides, soccer games, etc. so that we are giving our kids an active lifestyle and I have support for my exercise.  We make sure our kids are involved in a physical activity of some kind, whether a team or individual sport, scouts, swimming etc.  We make sure they don't sit around all day and play video games or watch television.
-We are also teaching them to live healthfully and she loves helping me in the kitchen.  I want to teach all of my children how to cook so that they don't leave this house not knowing how to make anything except Ramen noodles and warming up some hot dogs and hopefully making some healthy choices with their food.
-I want to show them what true beauty is and not what the world says it is.  I have friends whose hearts are so amazing that they seem to glow from the inside out.  It is like their inner beauty spills out to make their "imperfections" on the outside not matter.  I want all my kids to have that glowing heart.

-I want to try to limit unhealthy media while she is young and impressionable.  This video is eye opening.  There is only so much that I can do about billboards and advertisements in the mall or magazine covers at the grocery store, but I will educate my children about photoshop and advertising and I am very careful about what magazines and catalogs are around the house and what commercials or other television she is allowed to watch.  I wonder how photoshop effects our young boys too...does it give them an unrealistic view of beauty?  Although, I feel a bit hypocritical about photoshop as I plan to choose someone good at photoshop for some pictures that I want to give to Levi.

What else can I do?  How do you try to instill a healthy body image in your kids?

A song for Sunday

Just that...a song for your Sunday:)

Blah: Summer Blues

When some of y'all stay inside:

When I stay inside:

I don't suffer from winter blues, but summer blues.  Round about the end of July or beginning of August when the children are driving me absolutely insane (I'm bored! Stop touching me...mom, he's touching me! she won't play with me, he's not sharing etc.) and the summer heat (or giant mosquitos capable of flying off with small children or humidity that makes you feel like you just went swimming when all you did was step outside) forces us all to stay indoors.

The AC is currently running 24/7.  Ceiling fans are all going full blast...(you know those home improvement shows where they always take down the ceiling fan and put some decorative light up...yea, they don't live here)...ceiling fans are an absolute must have.  I now understand why people who settled my state were considered a stubborn and strong lot...they would have had to have been in order to live here without air conditioning.  

So, I lay around blah and moody because it is so sweltering hot outside that I have to change my sweaty clothes after I go check the mail.  Is it time for school to start?  Is it time for fall yet?  I wish these dang cicadas would SHUT UP!! (and I usually find them to be soothing and nostalgic)  

Did you know that eyelids sweat?  Well. They. Do.  Blah. 

Wish I looked like this when I sweat:

Ooooh...better yet...this (hey, a girl can dream can't she):

Those women who run around saying "I don't sweat, I glisten"...you DO NOT live where I do then!  Let me go stick my head in the freezer so I can quit my whining.   I hate moods like this...it's probably just PMS...I'll feel better next week.  Anybody have some chocolate?...yep, definitely PMS.

Facing 40

As I begin to plan Levi's 40th birthday and realize that mine is only a couple of years away, I am surprised that I am not upset, not worried, not freaked out.  In fact, other than a couple of little things I would rather not deal with like new wrinkles, slower metabolism, and those grays that I keep "blending" with highlights, I am actually happy about it.  (I know I have two years left, so ask me in a couple of years if I am still happy about it.)

Happy about turning 40!  I know you all probably think that I need my head examined, but there are certain things in life that just get easier as you age.  Losing weight not being one of them...gravity kinda sucks too.  I think as I get older I get more and more comfortable with who I am and don't worry so much about what other people think.  I wish that I could have learned the lessons that I learned in my 30s in my 20s, but I suppose that growth is meant to happen slowly and after much life experience.

There are things I wish I could tell my 20 year old self:

Stuff does not make you happy and in fact this stuff and clutter can stress you out.  Experiences are what you will remember.

You cannot make everyone happy.  It is not your job and will only be disappointing when you try.  You can be there for them, but you can't make their decisions for them...they will learn their own lessons.

Constant criticism of your husband's choices is not "helping".  For someone who is quite intelligent and boasts common sense...you have not thought this one through and if you aren't careful your marriage could fall apart.

You are a good mom, but you will make mistakes.  Give yourself a break.  I don't know if you are going to screw up your kids or not, but you are doing the best you can and they know you love them.

Be happy with what you have.  Envy does not become you and eats away at your joy.

Your true friends love you for who you are and not what you can do for them.  Choose carefully and stay true to yourself.  Trust your instincts...they are fairly accurate.

Your husband is a strong, smart, loving man...I know you wonder sometimes if you made the right decision...you did.

Trust God and stop fighting it...he knows what he is doing.

Do what you love.  Don't forget that you aren't "just a mom", you are also a wife and a woman with interests and needs.

Be happier in your skin...sure it isn't perfect, but if you are whining about it now, just wait until three kids, two c-sections, and 18 years later...and sweetheart, step away from the French bread and the chocolate...oh hell, who am I kidding...keep the chocolate!

Girlfriend...say the serenity prayer about a billion times more because it doesn't matter how much you try...you cannot control everything.  Sometimes things are just not going to go your way and you know what?...it won't kill you.  Let go of your need to control everything...you will be happier.

Oh and although you may not believe it, there is more than one way to accomplish something...I know, I know...your way is the best way, but not the only way...so give others a chance...namely your husband.

Don't waste so much time trying to please people who don't appreciate you.  Don't waste so much time worrying about things you can't control.  Don't waste so much time stressing over stuff that hasn't happened yet.  Don't waste so much time!!  Time is precious.

Make family and friends more of a priority...you don't know when they will be gone.

If you are going to hear God speak to you, then you have to shut your mouth!

Trust your gut...it's been pretty smart.  If something is giving you the heebie jeebies then avoid it.  You don't owe anyone an explanation.

When I told Levi what my post was about he added: "Tell her to put her shoes away, they drive me crazy."  ~evil smirk...evil laugh~  ~the look~ Just kidding...okay, okay I will put them away...alright those too, and those, oops, how did those get there?!

Enjoy the things that come easy to you...not everything will...don't be afraid to work hard for those that don't.

Other people's choices hurt...sometimes so much that you don't know if you can take it.  You are stronger than you think you are.  They make their choices and you aren't responsible for them, but it doesn't mean you are perfect either, so don't forget to learn from your own mistakes.

If I could save my 20 year old self the pain of life experience, then I would...my heart goes out to her, but honestly, I wouldn't be the person I am today without it.  So what have you learned that you wish you could tell your younger self and would you if you could?

Men...Listen Up!!

I am directing this post to the men who may read my blog or for you ladies to show your husbands.  It's nagging and nosy and bossy, but I am taking one for the team here.  Your wife is tired of trying to tell you.

Please do two things for me:

Get a Physical once a year

and

Make a Will

If you don't want to do it for yourselves then at least do it for your wives!!  If you aren't married...do it for your mother!  Do it for your kids! Just do it for goodness sake.

I know, I know...you hate doctors right?  Well, we wives would like you to be around well into our old age.  We don't want to do all this work together and then have no one to share our dreams with.  A husband and father a couple of doors down from me wasn't feeling well and put off going to a doctor about it.  Unfortunately, he ended up in the hospital with a heart condition and passed away leaving a wife and two young boys...without a will.

So it may have just been his time...I get that.  His wife however was feeling guilty because she didn't make him go to the doctor...she was left wondering if she should have been a nag and made him go sooner.  I know this is part of her grieving process and I assured her that she did all she could, but gentleman, COME ON...we are not your mothers.  If you haven't been to a doctor in years...make a dang appointment. This includes dentists...many diseases start with poor dental hygiene, including heart disease.  Men...listen up...whining is not attractive...it's what kids do and I know you do not want to be treated like one.  Don't believe me? Go home and tell your spouse that you have made appointments for the two of you to get physicals and afterwards you will take her to lunch sans kids.  If, after she gets over her shock of course, she isn't excited...well, I would be shocked!

Now we come to the second part of my directive: make a will.  It is cheap. It is easy.  It is peace of mind and makes things easier on those you are leaving behind.  Even if you live in a community property state where everything is left to your spouse in the case of your death, when you neglect to leave a will...your spouse will still have to go through a pain in the rear legal process that takes forever.  For example, because my neighbor did not have a will, his wife could not sell his car until probate was complete and still had to make the payments.  If he had had a will, it would have gone much faster.

Levi and I have a very simple will.  It says that the spouse left behind will receive everything and if God forbid something happened to both of us then we have stated who would care for our children.  Do you really want the state to decide who will care for your children?!!  Do you want your remaining family fighting over them?  We didn't.  We also chose someone responsible to be our executor...someone we knew would work hard selling all our junk so our kids would be taken care of.  We added an addendum notarized and signed by Levi and I to list things we would like our children or other family members to have which is all that is required in our state.  If you are not done with your family, you can add under the names of your children a phrase that says "and any subsequent children from this union" or some such.  Every state is different and I am not a lawyer so you will have to check the laws in your state, but wills make everything easier and don't you want it to be easier on your spouse if he/she is grieving your loss!

So pull on your big boy pants and go to the doctor and then the lawyer's office.  You can even have a will made online!!  Ladies, for the very few of you who have not been to the doctor either...GO!  So many possibly dangerous things are found from simple check ups.

I will step down from my soap box now...thank you.

Hotel Sex

Sometimes you just have to get away.  For Mother's Day, Levi got an overnight stay and breakfast at a local fancy hotel...you know the kind that actually has turn down service with a chocolate on your pillow.  Sneaky man...this present was as much for him as for me.  ~smirk~  I let him get by with it though, because he knows that sometimes I just need to get away.  We don't get to do this often...like once a year without kids, but it makes a huge difference for me...and hotel sex is just fun.  We sent the kids off to their grandparents' this weekend and checked in.

Being a stay at home mom has certain challenges...the biggest one for me is always feeling like I am "at work".  I have tried certain things to help this...completing housework between 9-5, taking a lunch break where I would watch tv or read a book to escape for a little while, doing something fun for me at least once a week like meeting a friend for coffee...but lets be realistic, shall we...sometimes these things don't work when you have young kids.  As the kids have gotten older, it gets better.  I have even left my 11 year old in charge of the 8 year old to run to the store and such.  I can't quite leave him with the 4 year old yet, but we are working up to that.  I hope when that happens that maybe a walk around the block BY MYSELF will work wonders on a woman's mood.  It was much worse when the kids were little...sometimes I would feel like the walls were closing in.  I was active and found moms groups and such, but there was always work to be done and it was always the same work you did yesterday.

I am not saying I regret it by any means, nor am I arguing for or against working or staying home...I truly believe that is a choice that each family has to weigh and decide what is best for them.  But just like working moms have certain challenges like having to run errands during busy times instead of at 10 on a weekday with the blue hairs like I do, stay at home moms have them too.  Levi thankfully realizes that.  I am sure hotel sex is a big motivator of course.

Hotel sex rocks.  I think because I can truly relax and focus during sex.  I am not distracted by the cobweb in the corner...when did that get there? Didn't I dust corners last...crap, a month ago?  I am not concerned about the kids hearing me and can truly live in the moment.  I am not thinking about the things I didn't get done today and the things that I have to do tomorrow.  I am not thinking that that noise is the kids coming down the stairs or did I remember to put the wet clothes in the dryer?

Hotel sex rocks.  I am also not as concerned with the time.  I am not thinking that we have to hurry through this because we both have an early morning or crap, I am going to be tired tomorrow if I don't get to bed.  He could even wake me up at 3 am and I wouldn't get grumpy because I knew that I could sleep in and there wouldn't be any little people needing my attention at 6 am.

Hotel sex rocks.  Hotels are awesome because I don't have to clean them.  I don't have to cook.  I don't have to make the bed, wash the dishes, clean the windows, scrub the shower, sweep the dog hair.  I didn't even have to pull back my own sheets!  The room is already spotless.  The linens are crisp and clean and they always have a ton of fluffy pillows.  I love fluffy pillows.

Hotel sex rocks.  We got to spend the entire day and night focused on each other.  We swam together without little ones vying for our attention or having to take turns watching the youngest.  We could talk and laugh and just sit in calm SILENCE.  We swam, drank, ate, and even hiked as the hotel had a jogging path that was beautifully landscaped.  We slept in and had an amazing breakfast.  It was like a mini vacation and we were both a bit sad to see it end, but I am still seeing the effects of this little getaway.

Hotel sex rocks.  We were going to try out one of Levi's "spices" he wanted to try, but he ended up surprising me with something totally different.  And it was INCREDIBLE...WOW...BY ALL THAT IS HOLY.  Yes it was that good.  Several times that good.  Levi even mentioned another thing he would like to try!  I have apparently awakened a sex god.

Hotel sex rocks.  Levi enjoyed his time too.  He says he can tell that I am focused just on him and US and what we are currently doing.  He says I am not "mommy" even if just for a day, but am his "wife".  Obviously, I need to work on this at home...being able to turn everything else off and be present with him.  We even talked a little about making our bedroom a welcome, relaxing, sexy place to be.  That is for another post.

So if you haven't figured it out, I am encouraging you to have some hotel sex.  One of the best dates that Levi planned for us was a surprise hotel stay a couple of years ago.  He had taken care of everything (except remembering my medicine...fyi...in case you are planning this...bring your spouse's meds and a few toiletries) and it was a complete and total surprise.  He had checked in on his way home from work so we ate in the hotel restaurant and then he took my hand and led me to our room.  SHOCK AND AWE!

I still have that little secret smile whenever I think of our time this weekend...then the kids will ask...Mom, what are you smiling about...UM!  NOTHING!

Back to the real world...