Confrontation

I have made an observation, often when I am preparing for confrontation.  I seem to fill with frustration and aggravation due to some unmet expectations and inability with articulation.  The infuriation builds until my husband is likely to feel some deprivation of ejaculation.

I find myself lying down at night with exhaustion and prostration.  I have an inclination to fill with indignation about my perception of the disputations occurring in my imagination.  Levi comes to me with affection, hoping for an assignation and a celebration of our love.  Instead of capitulation, I have a continuation of irritation.  I slow my respiration and attempt some meditation.  I wonder if my frustration is hormone fluctuation or maybe indigestion.  I just can't seem to find my motivation.

I know that I should have a conversation about my continuation of the frustration I am feeling and the explanation I deserve for his secret fascination, but Levi has now showed indication that he has fallen into hibernation.  Then my body is in oscillation trying to get comfortable and deal with the fallen expectation of said confrontation.

The words are stuck in formulation and I can't seem to bring them to proper enunciation.  I know the confrontation is necessary, but my heart is having palpitations just in its contemplation.  The implication of this altercation has me ill in anticipation.  The temptation to ignore the speculations is great, but I know the confrontation must occur.

I am unsure how he will take the revelation of my declaration of his secret.  I waited until I had affirmation for the accusation and that it hasn't reached ANYTHING close to devastation...YET, but must be brought up for mutual examination and consideration.  I am trying to keep my mind from its own fabrication of explanations.

I accept with resignation the need for confrontation, at least for alleviation of the cumulation of stress and shorten the duration of anticipation as that is often worse than the confrontation itself.

I hope and pray that the diction and inflection of my words produces proper reception and prevents a horrible altercation.

Too Spicy?

Levi is a salt and pepper man.  Salt and pepper are important in all dishes of course but there are other spices that I would love to add to the dish.  We could try some oregano, cumin, or maybe even some cayenne every now and again...even cinnamon mmmm.  Nothing too spicy!  I don't want to dump the whole jar in, but just a shake here and there.

 Levis says, "But salt and pepper is so good, do we really need anything else?"

"Well, no, but it might be nice to try something new every once in a while?"

My attempts at adding some spice every so often has been met with a certain lack of enthusiasm.  It makes one quite nervous to introduce any new spices to the dish.  There have even been times that I have spent extra time and effort preparing the dish and I think Levi just wishes that we could stick to the salt and pepper.

So what is a wife to do?  The salt and pepper is great, of course, but cannot be the only spice Levi ever wants to use, can it?  I am a bit timid in talking about spices.  I am blushing as we speak, in fact. He seems equally uninterested in speaking about possible spices we might both be interested in.

I am scared to mention that certain spices might interest me.  What if Levi thinks I am aiming to be a master chef or something?  What if he thinks I don't enjoy the salt and pepper anymore?  What if he thinks I am a freak?...it's just oregano for goodness sake!  But I am not sure that I could ever bring up spices again if he thought that or reacted badly.

I love salt and pepper, but when you have salt and pepper all the time things begin to taste the same.  If you had to have the same dish every time then you wouldn't get too excited about it.  I don't want Levi to think that I am tired of salt and pepper by any means, after all, I only want to enjoy these spices with Levi.  How can I get him to understand that spices are a good thing?  Any thoughts?  I am slightly embarrassed that Levi and I can't seem to talk about spices very well after 14 years of marriage...is something wrong with us?

Where you go, I'll go

When I became determined to follow my husband's lead, I expected him to jump at the chance.  I expected an enthusiastic...Finally!...to escape from his lips and for him to immediately take up those "pants" and run with them and I had my running shoes on, ready to go.

Well that isn't exactly how it has happened.

I was there with my running shoes on, stretched out, feet on the starting blocks and ready to follow wherever he might lead us and then...

nothing happened...hello, all the blood is rushing to my head over here!

At first, I thought, okay, I'll give him a little time...after all, I stole those "pants" and he hasn't had them on in a while...maybe ever.  Give the man a break, right?

So, I shook out my muscles, after all, I was getting leg cramps in the starting blocks...

I tapped my fingers on my thighs trying to contain the energy...

tapped my toes...ran in place a little...

put my flip flops on as it was obvious we wouldn't be running anywhere soon...

And I might have thrown the running shoes across the track in a fit of metaphorical temper...

became frustrated...

stewed...

have I mentioned I am not a patient person...

Then I would slip up...he would try to lead and I would fall back on old habits...give my reasons why I thought my way would be better and he folded.

I would apologize and secretly kick myself for not giving him a chance.

So I would wait again...

determined to wait patiently THIS time...

twiddle thumbs...

Agh! would you just lead already!!

afraid it would never happen...

During this process I was told, in their own words, by three different male bloggers that have taken the lead in their marriages, that my husband will not lead just because I want him to.

At first, I was like, "Say what?  Doesn't every guy just want to lead and have his say?  I thought that was like a guy's dream come true or something?

God knows I am a stubborn woman and needed to hear this several times from several people over a period of months in order for it to sink in.

Now that I started this whole thing though, I don't want to give up.  I NEED him to lead now.  Not because I can't do it myself (I've been doing that for years), but because something happens when he does.

I like the person I become when my husband leads and I follow.

I feel softer, loved, less stressed, and a contentment I can't explain.

But those pants sit there a lot...

waiting for their owner...

waiting, waiting....

And then I realize something as I stare longingly on the pants...

I am focusing on the pants...

Um, the pants that aren't mine...

Oops.  Well crap! Focusing on those pants was really like I was still fighting for them.

I should be focusing on my own clothing.

So I put on my girl pants, skirt, shorts, whatever.

And focused on those...and a funny thing happened...I heard him.

My husband is a loving, extremely intelligent, funny, and a QUIET man.

I am...well...not quiet for sure!  But, when I started focusing on my own "clothing" choices instead of those darn pants that I thought Levi should put on...I heard him.

He is leading...quiet as a mouse at times...but leading.

So I started listening, and following, and that girl is back...the one I caught glimpses of.

The soft one, the content one...and weirdly enough I feel prettier, too.

We still aren't running anywhere...Levi's pace is more like a sedate mosey.

So I put on my flats and try to show him that I will go where he goes.  I will not leave him or abandon him to go it alone...and isn't that what we all need anyway...someone to do this life thing with.

I got your back babe.

Minimalism: Media

10 VHS tapes.   Yep, that is how this weeks project started.  I chose our media for this weeks attempts at realistic minimalism partly because my son asked me, "Hey mom, how was it that you used to watch movies when you were a kid...those big black things, right?"  I told him we had little ones too...(remember those Beta machines?)  Geez...nothing like your kid making you feel ancient to encourage you to get rid of some of your antiquities.  I will say though that the only VHSes we had left were in fact Disney and with the genius of that company, only allowing you to buy their videos when they are out of the "vault", I did not want to get rid of them at first, only to not be able to replace them for ten years.  Then I realized looking at them that the kids had not asked to watch any of those movies in years and yes, sadly, we do have a VHS player...it's one of those DVD/VHS combos.

I started making a pile of other movies the kids had not watched in forever and a couple of them that drive me absolutely batty!  Like those stupid Wonder Pets!  Oh my gosh there is this one on there where they help a puppy get outside the house so he can go potty and then they all have to go in the yard...the kids kept begging to act it out.  My attempts at convincing them that they were not a duck, turtle, or hamster fell on deaf ears.  Ugh, and that song...Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets, we're on our way!  I quickly hid that one at the bottom of the pile just in case the kids wander into the room and declare that I can't possibly get rid of that movie because it is their absolute favorite! (Note: they have not watched this movie in a couple of years, but that won't matter because as soon as I want to get rid of it, then it is their absolute favorite!)  Speaking of the potty, since my children are all potty trained then I can also get rid of this equally annoying Potty video!!!  Hallelujah, Amen!

I am able to get rid of a couple of movies of ours as well for a grand total of 18 movies!!  I even alphabetize ours, but not the kids as that would be ridiculously silly and short lived.  We actually don't have too many movies...my parents have an entire wall of movies that they probably never watch twice.  I remember as a kid going to Blockbuster and begging to be the one to stick the movies in the slot and choose a movie for this week's movie night.  Now we just see what is on On Demand from the comfort of our couch.  Not quite as exciting, but it at least saves gas.  I also remember to recycle all of the cardboard covers for the movies that have them...partly because Levi finds them extremely annoying and superfluous...also his view on pricey greeting cards, but I digress.  Pretty soon, we will just be buying digital copies of our movies and the BluRay will be a thing of the past and our children will be the ones feeling old...Ha!

I organized the few Xbox games that we have...can't get rid of anything in that pile.  I also organize the kids Leapster and DS games and throw out some directions that I am quite sure that we don't need anymore...like how to install batteries into your controller.  I find a couple of Leapster games to donate.  I attempt to organize the bane of my existence...the Skylander basket.  People complain often at the pain that occurs when you step on a rogue Lego or Barbie shoe...they have obviously never stepped on a Skylander.  My boys for a while there wanted to collect them ALL...darn brilliant companies that have figured out how to suck us dry. Because of course in your quest to have the kids save up and collect them themselves, they come out with a new Skylanders game with a new collection of figures to collect...and then if that wasn't bad enough, they do it again!!  Of course, they hardly ever play it as they are too interested in playing that cheap game with 80s graphics that has no end and no winner...Minecraft!  Levi told me a funny story from Cub Scout camping where all the kids knew what obsidian was...at least that silly game is teaching them something along with preparing for the zombie apocalypse...wondering what subliminal messages I can convince the creators to add in the next mod update.  Oh, how fickle are our children.

I cleaned out our random electronic drawer that holds a couple of extra remotes(remember when we didn't have one...now we have six, no matter how many times they swear they have made a "universal" remote...we still can't get less than three), little DMV video tapes from our old school video recorder, walkie talkies, Monster cleaner and a rag for cleaning the TV screen (remember when we could just use Windex?), and those two random things that we can't figure out what they go to so we can't git rid of them until we figure it out and we probably don't even have it anymore.  (deep breath...sorry for the run on)

I opened the cabinet with our remaining CDs and close it again as I decide that that may have to be a separate project.  We got rid of a bunch when we moved and we eventually want to save the rest on our computer and keep a very rare few for posterity.  I did pull out an old cheap 35mm camera that I used in college.  I guess I will donate it, but I can't imagine anyone wanting it...do they even sell film anymore?  This project is making me feel medieval.  Kind of like when my kids ask if they had cars in the 70s when I was born.  What are they teaching these kids in Social Studies?

I start to feel accomplished and then remember that we have a Wii in the play room...Gosh doggit.  I go through and find a couple of games to donate and wonder if I can get Levi to ditch the Guitar Hero...will have to ask him...when the kids aren't around as again...well, you know...hmm...maybe the getting rid of it incognito will work for him too...eh, better not.

Any real minimalist is probably now horrified at the amount of things we still own.  I think there is probably a healthy balance for us between this:

which has all the warmth of a hospital waiting room...and this:

which quite honestly just gives me the hibbie jibbies.  I got the kids to clean their rooms once by making them watch hoarders...questionable parenting practice, I know...but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Okay, so my house has never been quite as bad as the last pic, but it can get a bit cluttered which drives Levi crazy and if I am quite honest with myself stresses me out too.  So thanks for going on this journey with me to become at least a little more minimalist.  Although I sometimes wonder if having one of those shipping containers to live in would be a whole lot less to clean, I know that in reality I would feel claustrophobic and unhappy in that environment.  

kinda cute though, like your very own clubhouse

To each his own of course, and who knows maybe someday small spaces won't make me freak, but I doubt it.  But I do want to limit the "stuff" that we accumulate not only to kick the clutter to the curb, but to save money and be able to spend more time and energy on the things that are important.  Namely Levi and those little rugrats that make me feel old...and those things I want to do...hike, learn to salsa, travel, and all the other things I haven't thought of yet.  

By Royal Proclamation: Unplugged

We just got back from a relaxing few days on a free vacation.  Oh, those are the best kind, are they not?  We were invited to be families' guests at their timeshare on a lake nearby...for free.  Um, let me think, well, I don't know, ARE YOU SERIOUS?  Of course we said yes and helped with meals and such, but the rest of the stay and most things on site were free including free activities.

As we were getting ready for our trip, Levi made a royal proclamation.  The King says...No Kindles, no DSes, no computers, and phones for emergencies only (he did have to check in with work a couple of times...joys of being the boss).  Yikes!  I knew when he made his proclamation that it was a good one, but part of me was thinking of my sanity.  Selfish, I know, but sometimes I just need a little peace and quiet, and a house full of three kids does not lend itself to peace.  Sometimes, I will put on a movie, or TELL them to go play their video games.  Now before you rail on me, I don't do it all the time and the kids actually have screen time limits for summer and no video games during the week in the school year.

I got to thinking about our typical preparation for vacations.  Charge three Kindle Fires, two DSes, one Leapster, two phones, and one computer...for a weekend getaway.  That is a bit ridiculous.  Okay, I will admit to you that I wasn't exactly enthused about his decision, but stood behind it none the less.  I even stood behind him when he broke it to the kids...smart place to be.  They weren't too thrilled.  We did allow them to bring one movie each because we knew that we would get some rain.  We told them to bring some books and choose some board games.  This seemed to mollify them a bit and they know that once we make a decision then that is that, so they grumbled a bit, but it wasn't that bad.  I suppose since we watched a few movies and some soccer that we weren't 100% unplugged but we watched these things as a family so it was better than sending everyone off on their own devices.

When we arrived and put away our things, we headed off to bed, as it was late.  The next morning we enjoyed putt putt, swimming, and ice cream.  We played games, ate, watched a movie while it rained and then took a hike.  The next day we played tennis, swam, played on the playground, archery, shuffleboard, horseshoes, ate, played some more board games and watched a movie.  The last morning we played tennis again before packing up (they really liked that) and let the kids watch another movie as we cleaned up and got the cars packed. Three movies...I know, but we have three kids with very different tastes (Pirate Fairies and Clone Wars don't mix well) and we had PLENTY of active time in there.  I am pooped.

But a strange thing occurred and I did not realize it until we were on our way home.  NOT ONCE, not once did the kids ask for or complain about their lack of video games.  They even had an arcade there and other than a quick game of free air hockey (from someone who abandoned their game when the kids were checking the arcade out), they didn't ask for quarters or ask to hang out looking at all the games.  It was a pleasant shock to be sure.

This may be the start of a family tradition...VACATIONS...UNPLUGGED.

Here are a few pics:

Sunset over the lake.

Horseshoes...yes, we stink...note the horseshoe outside the wood to the left...yep, that was mine.

It was fun anyway.

Now archery is another story, this was one of mine...I rock, and I am humble too.  

Things got quite competitive on the range.

This is a little toad the kids discovered on the putt putt course.

Little things you wouldn't notice if you don't slow down!

I made my eight year old get my ball:)

Something about being truly present with the ones you love is really special.  

I hope you can UNPLUG AND PLUG IN with your family too!

Minimalism: Bathroom Cabinets

I am going to warn you now that this isn't nearly as entertaining as my delicates drawer, but I told you that I would share, so here it is:

This week I tackled the master bathroom cabinets, linen closet and medicine cabinet.  What is really sad about this is that I thought that I had pared down when we moved less than a year ago.  Apparently I was in a hurry, because I found things that should never have made the move!  I will also tell you guys that I am not going to be like these people who have two toiletries and a toothbrush...I am just not that good, so if you are a minimalist, you may be appalled at the number of things that I have kept.  I am taking baby steps people...on a scale where you have hoarders at one end and minimalists at the other...well, I want to be on the minimalist side of things but I'm still hanging near the middle.

I started with the medicines.  We have two big baskets, one for kids meds and one for ours.  I keep my everyday meds in the kitchen...thyroid, vitamin D, etc.  These are our cold meds, pain and stomach meds.  I keep them in the linen closet...our bathroom is quite large and we use the fan, so I don't have to worry too much about moisture.  Now, I know that I went through these meds last year, so I was surprised with some of my finds.  I had pain medicine from the birth of my daughter...4 and half years ago!  And a half dozen expired meds, including 4 Epi-pens, an inhaler, and (lowering head) vitamins I always forgot to take.  I am much better at taking my vitamins now as I have a little pill box...geez, I am getting old.   I organized our first aid container as the kids aren't very good at getting just ONE Bandaid out of the box and it was a bit of a mess.  Levi keeps his meds in the medicine cabinet along with razor refills, etc.  Um, his was much easier to organize as the man never has to take any medicine!  Makes me sick.  I think the only reason he needs insurance is for me and the kids.

I went through our travel section and threw out the little hotel bottles.  I won't use them, the kids can't use them and I usually just get the refillable bottles so that we can use our own stuff.  Levi grabs them every time we go anywhere.  I find that I have not one, but two spare glasses so the oldest is going to be donated at the eye doctor.  We have 5 little toothpaste kits free from the dentist with a little bag, toothpaste, toothbrush, and floss.  Levi and I use Sonicare so I am not sure why we have these still...I decide to keep two up in the guest bathroom for our guests who may forget, and donate the rest.  I rethink that and dismantle one for our travel stuff...I take the toothbrush and put it with cleaning supplies and the rest in our sample size travel gear.  I then take a couple of the sample shampoo/conditioner things out of the trash and put that in the guest bathroom too.

So I don't bore you with the rest of the experience I will sum up quickly: I got rid of curlers that I have had since HIGH SCHOOL (and I think that they were my mom's before that!).  I am about to celebrate my 20 year reunion people.  I am not even sure that they work as I probably haven't used them in 10 years.  I gave up trying to get my hair to hold curl a long time ago.  I got rid of 5 bottles of lotion and still have quite a few left!  How many bottles of lotion does one person need!  Why have we let the world convince us we need 10 different lotions for our body?...one for feet, one for hands, one for face, one for neck, one for firming, one for softening, one for massaging...etc. If I used all of them it would take an hour to lotion myself up and I would smell like a Bath and Body Works.   I found nail polish that was permanently crusted shut,  and 10 emery boards...I don't really file my nails...like ever.  I found sunscreen hiding from two years ago and Chapstick from who knows when, but it looks funny.  It is REALLY annoying when people don't put expiration dates on things! I got a permanent marker and wrote the date on things without so I will know next year how long it has been there.

Ugh, I need new makeup...mine is getting quite old and broken...I don't wear it everyday so it takes a while to use it up.  I am running out of everything at once...that is going to be a pricey trip.  Levi is going to have sticker shock and I don't even buy the ridiculously expensive stuff.  If it weren't for him, I wouldn't ever wear it, so hopefully he appreciates it.

I reorganized everything using the containers I already had.  I do want to get a container of some sort for the cotton balls, so they are still in their bag at the moment...I have heard the dollar store is good for that sort of thing, but I want to wait until I have been through the rest of the house...I may find something to use.  It doesn't have to be pretty in the closet.

I threw out three grocery sacks of trash!  I wonder if having all this space makes one subliminally want to fill it up.  I do solemnly swear to you all that I will not buy another bottle of lotion until I use them all up!  The cleaning part is the easy part...now I need to focus on not buying things I don't need!  No more Bath and Body Works sales for me:)

This is been more fun than I thought it would be and I keep going to stand in front of the linen closet with a goofy grin on my face.  Levi was very excited as he is the more organized of the two of us and rewarded me with a big sloppy kiss and a butt pat and boob squeeze...such a man.

His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: A Book Review

I have been taking the kiddos to the library lately and checked out a book called His Needs, Her Needs for Parents by Harley.  I had heard of His Needs, Her Needs:Building an Affair Proof Marriage in Sunday School.  I have never read the original book, but picked up this one in hopes of learning something new to apply to our marriage with very busy kiddos.

His Needs, Her needs is basically about the fact that all of us have very similar emotional needs in relationships but when men and women are asked to rate the importance of these needs they are very different.  Our priorities are completely different...in general, of course, as there are always exceptions.  According to Harley, women's highest needs include affection, conversation, family commitment, etc.  Men's highest needs include sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, and an attractive spouse, etc.  He describes everyone as having a love bank that your spouse is either making deposits or withdrawals in, due to their behavior or lack of fulfilling your needs.  He talks about love busters as being things that make withdrawals in our emotional bank accounts, such as disrespect, selfish demands, angry outbursts, etc. and therefore we make our spouse lose their love for us or become less lovable.  He also suggests something called the Policy of Joint Agreement where basically both you and your spouse are supposed to be enthusiastically in agreement before a decision can be made.  So that is a very brief description of His Needs, Her Needs and the for Parents version he does go over all of this again in a shortened way but then talks about what happens when you add kids to the mix.

I have some big problems with a lot of the things Harley talks about in the book.
1.  First of all, I am a statistics girl...He says that almost always, each gender lists these needs in a particular order.  How many people did he ask? What were the variations in answers? etc.  Maybe he goes over this in the original book, but I like my evidence not just someone making huge assumptions.  Plus I think that you should ask your spouse what is most important to them and not make assumptions yourself.
2.  I think that both you and your spouse coming to enthusiastic agreement on EVERY SINGLE DECISION is completely UNREALISTIC.
3.  He suggests that you spend quality time with your spouse in order to fulfill a wife's need for conversation and a husband's need for recreational companionship...okay, sounds good.  He suggests 15 HOURS!!  Then in order to make sure that you are being a good parent and fulfilling a wife's need for family commitment and a husband's need for domestic support you should spend another 15 HOURS as a family spending quality time together.  He had rules for this to: couple time is completely without kids and sex does not count.  Family time is focused quality time...pretty sure going to the movies together would not count.
4.  Also, he alludes to the dangers inherent in having a hobby that does not include your spouse.  You should not have a hobby that your spouse is not doing with you.  Quit all those hobbies that the other person doesn't like and choose all your interests together...What?  Say What?
5.  The Love Bank thing sounds good, but I think that I would be obsessing about making sure that I was making deposits so that Levi would continue to find me lovable...doesn't sound healthy to me.  Sounds codependent.
6.  He has a very cynical view of the possible success of blended families.  I have seen many blended families prosper...to be so negative is not helpful.

So what good came from reading the book...cause I always try to find something that I can use.
1.  It is very interesting to see how men and women think and feel differently.  I am not sure that I learned anything new, but a reminder that my husband has different primary needs than myself is helpful.
2.  The Love Busters and Love Bank seemed overcomplicated for what it was, but I gleaned a little information from it.  Don't be rude, selfish, disrespectful, or annoying.  Got it.  Do things for my spouse that will fill his Love Bank...have sex, do fun stuff with him, cook dinner.  Got it.
3.  15 HOURS! I just can't get over this one...Okay, I understand that he is trying to get you to spend more time together, which I would love.  You don't want to become passing ships and wake up one day and have nothing to say to each other.  But this guy surely doesn't have three children, right?  Then I read his run down of his time...8 hours for sleep, 8 hours for work, 1 hour for drive time, to him leaves plenty of time for our quality time.  Here is the problem or problems: Levi works more than 8 hours a day.  His drive to work is an hour so his total commute is 2 hours...hey, it is better than the four he was doing before we moved.  And meal time and childcare alone takes up most of the rest of the day.  I talked to Levi about this guys time requirement, and after he got over the initial shock of thinking this guy has lost his marbles and surely my lovely wife does not think this is possible, he saw the merit in being more intentional about spending time together.  We decided that we could try for 7 hours with the occasional week of a whopping 10...go us!  He could also see that being intentional about spending quality time with the kids is important.  That one is a lot easier for us as we do a lot as a family.  We can very easily meet the 15 hours there.
4.  Be careful when enjoying hobbies that don't include your spouse to guard yourself from getting too close to someone of the opposite sex that enjoys the same hobby as you...completely agree.  Don't leave yourself open to temptation and opportunity.  I think it is completely healthy to have a hobby for yourself, but I think you should carefully balance those with hobbies that you and your spouse can enjoy together.
5.  He says you should talk about your views of child rearing before you have kids.  I say, just understand that once those kiddos come along that some of your best laid plans will be thrown out the window and you and your spouse will learn to make kiddo decisions on the fly.  Cause you know...before you have kids you believe that YOUR kid will never be THAT kid that is throwing the fit in Target or having a meltdown in a restaurant.   Good luck with that.  But talking more about kiddo issues...good idea...got it.

So there you have it.  My first book review.  So if my choice is skip it, read it, buy it and give it to all your friends, too:  I say skip it.