Why do I Surrender?

Why do I surrender?  People have noticed.  My kids have noticed, friends have noticed, and my husband has surely noticed.  Everyone so far has been very supportive.  Do I feel different?  Yes.  But not in the way that "the world" would tell me I should be feeling.  I don't feel powerless.  I don't feel oppressed.  It is very difficult to describe the changes in our marriage so I have decided that occasionally I will give you a little before and after of an incident or moment in our marriage.  Part of it is for me.  I need the reminder every so often of why I am doing this too.  There are days that I certainly fall back on old habits.  If I can keep the memory of the things that have made a difference then I will be more likely to continue doing them.  Some may be small things like the one that I will share today and some may be big things.  Hopefully they can help someone else "see" how life can be.


Before: (before will be what would have happened had I not begun to make the changes I have-so this didn't really happen but I am not exaggerating...this would have really happened.)

Levi decides that he is going to put together the laundry room cabinet.  There are five children running around the house as our kids have friends over.  I am starting the dishes.

Me-"You are going to do that now?" said while pointing at running children and the dishes.

Levi-"Yea, I thought you said you needed this done."

Me-"Well, yes, but not now!"

Levi-"Well, this is the only time that I am going to have to do it," starting to get annoyed.

Me-"Fine."  I continue doing the dishes and the kids are running around everywhere and I slam things a little so that he "sees" what I am dealing with.

Levi pulls all the parts out of the box and finds the directions.  A couple of times he mumbles something about stupid directions are some such and I take it upon myself to "offer" help.

Me-"Do you need help?" said in a horrible tone while still finishing dishes. 

Levi-"No, I got it."

Me-"Wouldn't it be better if you held it this way?" said while grabbing said part.

Holy cow, I am sure you could tell how the rest of this went.  Levi would either have thrown up his hands and walked away and let me do it or he would have suffered through my direction.  The dishes were not finished.  I felt annoyed and righteous.  Levi felt emasculated and irritable.

After: (so this is what really happened)

Levi decides that he is going to put together the laundry room cabinet.  There are five children running around the house as our kids have friends over.  I am starting the dishes.

Me-After seeing that Levi means to put the cabinet together, "Hey guys, why don't y'all play upstairs for now so that you are out of Levi's/Dad's way."  I see that the kids make it upstairs.  I give Levi a quick kiss and say thanks for putting this together for me.  I am going to do the dishes, let me know if you need help."

Wander off to the kitchen and do the dishes.  Now before you think that my mind is silent...think again.  I have made changes to my attitude and what comes out of my mouth but I was still thinking to myself that now was not the best time for ME to tackle this project.  But then I told myself that my husband worked all day, took a walk around the neighborhood with five kids and was building this cabinet for me.  So I told my inner shrew to shut the hell up.

Levi pulls all the parts out of the box and finds the directions.  A couple of times he mumbles something about stupid directions are some such and I take it upon myself to offer a beer.

I call from the kitchen, "Hey babe, would you like a beer?"  Now inside my head I am thinking...maybe I should have just done this myself.  Hey, I am not perfect and I didn't SAY it.  I am working on the thoughts but old habits die hard!

Levi-"That would be awesome!"

I take him a beer and finish the dishes.

Levi-"Can you hold this a sec?"

Me-"Sure."

Levi-"Ok, thanks...I'm good."

I go to sit on the couch and relax.

Levi finishes and I help him put it in the laundry room and then give him a huge sloppy kiss with a huge "You're my hero smile". 

Me-"Thanks, Babe...you rock"

Levi-While slapping my rear walking out of the laundry room, "I am going to rock something later:)"

I felt accomplished(by completing the dishes and not being a shrew) and excited about my new cabinet.  Levi felt (I am assuming cause I didn't ask him) accomplished and horny. 

So there is my first before and after.  I don't know how he lived with me before but I sure am glad he is still here for the after:)

Have you seen my mojo?



 

 

Levi would like for me to initiate more.  He has said that he can usually tell when I am in the mood, but would like for me to....well, jump him.  I am excited that he felt like he could come right out and share that with me.  That alone shows that we are making progress.  My initiation is usually more subtle in nature.  I might dress nicely, make sure that he can see my cleavage, cuddle up to him at bedtime, etc.  Apparently he would like something a little more aggressive in nature.  Oh, WHY does this strike fear into my stomach?  I am not entirely sure.  I have periods of time when I am more confident for a few months and then...not so much.   

Right now my confidence is shot.  I am not sure where it is and what happened to it, but I am not happy with my image in the mirror right now.  I like me as a person, but am not happy with what I look like at the moment.  I know that my husband finds me attractive, but to be quite honest it doesn't really matter right now.  If I don't find myself worthy of his attention then I find myself in this blah place where sex really doesn't interest me much.  This weird roller coaster isn't monthly so I really can't blame the hormones either.  We had sex in the morning one day and I seriously kept worrying about my husband's view the whole time because...gasp...it was light outside! 

I am an average woman.  Since no one has actually seen me (ok, maybe like two of you), then you know that I am not fishing for compliments.  I will never be a 10 and that is okay, but I do not believe that I am where I need to be.  My weight loss struggle is foremost in my mind, but it will take a while to see results on that front.  I know that I need to lose 25-30 pounds, but since I can't wake up tomorrow and have that happen in a healthy way then I need to do something else to help me feel less discouraged.  I have been very negative about myself to myself lately and it is only making me feel more negative and I continue to sink into that wallpaper that I talked about.  So I decided to make a list of physical things that I do like about myself.  Maybe if I focus on that and the small things that I can do immediately then I will begin to get my confidence back and find my mojo again. 

What I do like (physically, like I said, I like myself as a person so I won't go into personality traits):

Smile - I have been told that I have a nice smile, nice full lips, and straight white teeth (my mother would say "You better!" after all the money she spent on braces:))  I wore braces or retainers for 7 years!!  Of course that was before they had all this cool stuff that doesn't take as long.  Sometimes I can still taste the glue...ewww.  My friends would tell you that I smile all the time so I do have laugh lines, but I figure those are better than frown lines any day.

Hair - Although I get rather frustrated with my hair, I still recognize that my hair is a pretty color. 

Curviness - Although my curves are a bit too large at the moment, I am thankful that I am proportionate. I do have a waist.

Ankles-Ok, I know this one is weird and maybe I read too many historical romances about well-turned ankles, but I have a friend who hates her ankles and she has told me that my ankles are perfect.  My calves slim down and my ankles are slender....no cankles here, other than when I was pregnant, but I couldn't see my cankles then so it didn't matter:)

        

 

Levi's favorite part - since they are my husband's favorite then I suppose I can count them in the parts I like, although I wish they were as perky as they once were.  I can't help but think of Sixteen Candles Long Duck Dong's new American girlfriend and when the grandparents proclaim that Samantha has "gotten her boobies."  Classic.

 

Complexion - Although I wish I could tan, my complexion is clear.

 

I think making this list is already making me feel better...
What I can do now:

 

Exercise - With all the moving and having three kids home all the time I have not had time to do much exercise, but I am trying to sneak it in when I can.  Even though I won't see results right away, I know that it will make me feel better and more confident.

 

Eating Well - Ditto.  I have done really well with that this week as I have finally had time to plan meals and shop.

 

Grooming - I am in need of a haircut, manicure, pedicure, and brow wax (no one notices the brows but me since they are so light).  I know that I feel more confident when I am well groomed.

 

Closet - My closet is in sad shape.  I very rarely buy clothes for myself and it is showing.  I think I feel guilty because I stay at home and am not "making the money" and if I do go out shopping then I usually come home with stuff for everyone else and not me.  Levi has never made me feel badly about clothes and often encourages me to go shopping if I need to, so this is my own guilt not someone else making me feel that way.  I need to get over that, set a budget, and go get some clothes.
 

 

Maybe if I can start on this list then I will find where I lost my mojo and will feel more comfortable in the bedroom again.  Maybe not.  But it couldn't hurt, right?

Have you noticed the wallpaper?

Isn't it funny how something random can spark big thoughts in your head? 

On our recent house hunt we saw a lot of beautiful homes and a few that were not so beautiful.  I am really good at seeing the potential in a home. Levi, however is not or maybe he is, but he just doesn't want to.  I can see things through the eyes of what it could be and he doesn't want to open those eyes at the moment.  He does not want to have to fix anything that isn't a little paint and some new carpet.  Projects sounded fun to me, but after six months of a long commute I understood why Levi just wanted to be home.  Home in the sense that it was already cozy, comfortable, and relaxing.  We are settled and unpacked, well, as long as you don't look in the garage:)  Sure we want to paint eventually and get some new appliances, but he can come home and relax. 

There is something that we both agreed on when we were looking for homes: NO WALLPAPER.  Both of us cannot stand the stuff, regardless of it's recent comeback.  I think we have nightmares still from helping some friends of ours, 12 or so years ago, remove wallpaper from every room in their first house.  Regardless of the cool tools they sell now to remove it, we were just not gonna have it.  We even nixed a gorgeous house that had wallpaper in one bathroom, leaving our realtor quite baffled.  Wallpaper...ugh...shivers.

So all this wallpaper business got me to thinking.  There are times that I feel a part of the wallpaper.  Times that Levi or the kids forget I am there unless they need something.  And then they remember, oh, Mom isn't just a part of the "wallpaper" so to speak.  I saw this artist's work one time when searching for something long forgotten and thought to myself...yes, that is how it feels sometimes.  You can see the person, but only if you really look.  The artist's name is Emma Hack...here is one of her photographs:

 

Google her...they are pretty neat, some are sexy and some are downright cool...like this one:

 

 

 

Ok, I got totally off subject...back to the wallpaper.  So I was talking to a close friend of mine about our loathing for wallpaper.  She hates it also.  She has some wallpaper in her master bath that she has wanted to remove since she moved in, but just hasn't gotten around to it.  She admitted also that she just got used to it.  I have seen this wallpaper...it is HIDEOUS...it is difficult to fathom how anyone could get used to it!  But I understand what she means.  When you see something every day then it can tend to blend in and be taken for granted.  It is the same principal as that pile of crap that you have in the corner.  After a while you get used to seeing it and forget it is there.

 

Don't worry, I am getting to the point.  If you got lost in my round about way of getting here?  I will sum up.  So if I sometimes feel like part of the wallpaper and I want to get upset with my husband or the kids, maybe I should take a look at the wallpaper.  Maybe the wallpaper is feeling blah lately and isn't much fun to be around.  Maybe the wallpaper needs a day at the spa for a haircut and a sprucing up.  Should Levi and the kids appreciate the wallpaper?  You bet your tush, they should! But maybe the wallpaper should make sure that it looks nice and is attitude free.  Maybe I should make sure that I am not "blending in" with the surroundings and am engaging.  I don't want to be annoying and needing constant attention, I just do not want to be overlooked.

 

So instead of becoming a part of the "wallpaper" around my house, I am going to try to stand out a bit:)

 

               

All photos are by Emma Hack...you can see her work at emmahackartist.com.au

Where in the World is Bea?

In our new house...Yipee!!!!

 

 

 

 

And just in time for my 100th post!  We are settling in and making our new place a home.  We only have a few boxes left to unpack and are looking forward to our new life here.  I will be registering the kids in school this week and school starts at the end of the month. 

 

 

I keep thinking about the last six months and feel like we just crossed the finish line after a grueling and long race.  We are both feeling the after effects of being past a stressful situation.  Isn't it weird how sometimes you feel it after the event or period is over?  We are both very tired, but very excited and hopeful.  Well, Levi and I are.  The kids are nervous and sad but I think they will be fine once school starts and our new street has a ton of kids on it.  If I can get them off of the bad video game habit we have gotten in during the move!!  We are all enjoying Levi's much shorter commute and him being home in time for dinner. 

 

 

Now we can relax and enjoy the end of summer...until the next race begins:)

 

 

 



When all is Said and Done

Blogland has lost a treasure,

but he will be in our hearts a good long while.

 

Farewell Bas.

 

Keep me in your Heart
Warren Zevon

Shadows are fallin' and I'm runnin' out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while

When you get up in the mornin' and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There's a train leavin' nightly called "When All is Said and Done"
Keep me in your heart for a while

Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while

Sometimes when you're doin' simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for a while

Hold me in your thoughts
Take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes
Keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north up to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for a while
These wheels keep turnin' but they're runnin' out of steam
Keep me in your heart for a while

Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Keep me in your heart for a while

Such a Man

So I told Levi how much I liked the way he calmly stated that the bathroom needed to be cleaned that you can read about in "This Room Needs Attention."  He kind of looked at me a little funny and didn't seem to remember what he had said, but was very happy that the bathroom was sparkling and we got busy with the kids and the conversation just ended.

We got the kids to bed and headed off to bed ourselves.  He was sitting on the bed when I walked in our bedroom door and pointed at his package and said,

"This needs attention." 

"Oh Really? I think it has had attention several times this week," said while trying not to laugh at his clever come on.

"This always needs attention," said with his sexy smirk.

"Hmmm....I should get right on that then."

Bwahahahaha...Love when love is like this:)

This Room Needs Attention

"This room needs attention."

This is what Levi said to me yesterday while we were getting the kids ready for bed.  I gave a noncommittal hmm, as I was in the middle of wrestling pajamas on a wriggling three year old.  The room in question was the bathroom that our three children share that also happens to be our guest bathroom.  We quickly became busy with the bedtime ritual and neither of us said another word.

I thought on it later and instead of the reaction I was expecting of myself...something along the lines of feeling irritated, making excuses, and thinking: well, if it is bothering you so much, why don't you clean it...I surprisingly wasn't upset at all.  In fact, I knew that that bathroom had not been cleaned in a week and was getting kind of nasty.  For those of you who can't imagine how gross it had gotten in a week's time and may not have three little ones using the same small bathroom, it may have looked something like this:

 
Add some toothpaste on the sink, beach towels and swimsuits thrown haphazardly over the tub, close the cabinet doors and add a step stool with a wooden boat made at camp on it...oh and pee on the floor, as my boys still somehow miss the toilet, and this would be pretty darn close.

I knew that I needed to make it a priority to clean it today as it would embarrass us both to allow guests to use it.  I knew that we have had a very busy week and I had not been on the kids to accomplish their chores which included a wipe down of the toilet seat and sink every other day.  But I was still surprised at myself that I wasn't upset by his proclamation. 

He said it calmly, without negative inflection, just a statement of fact.

His normal reaction to something about the house that is bothering him would be to sigh, huff and puff loudly while he banged things around a minute and walked away...very passive aggressive and unattractive, and usually would cause me to be very irritated and wouldn't exactly foster closeness between us. 

I have friends whose husbands have reacted in similarly negative ways such as: "This house is a wreck...what do you do all day?"  "Is this the best you can do?" "When are you going to take care of this mess?"  All of these men are good men and are probably just trying to express something that is bugging them, but it all seems to insult and automatically puts their wives on the defensive.

"This room needs attention." 

You are right...it does.  Guess what room I made sure the kids and I cleaned today?  I need to tell him that I really liked the way that he told me that the messy bathroom was bothering him and I can't wait until he sees that it is done and sparkling. 

It is amazing to me sometimes how it is the little things we say to each other than can

make a world of difference.

Hmmmm...the kids are going to have to hold it until he gets home. Just kidding...they can go outside.